Radical Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Hi, I am Dr. Jameca Cooper. Before we continue, make sure you like this video and subscribe to this channel. Today is another day on our 30 Days of Radical Healing. This month we are doing every day of something that's going to help you be healed from your issues or toxicity and to walk into the new year in a much better way. In a very different format, we hope. So my other videos, I've talked a little bit about what radical healing is, so you should already have the gist of it. But today we're talking about radical healing from narcissistic abuse. So how many of you have encountered a narcissist in your life? Most people, I would say. And the term is thrown around a lot now, so I believe most of you have encountered someone that's either been diagnosable narcissistic, or you feel very strongly that they are a narcissist. So today we're going to talk about how you can heal, radical healing from narcissistic abuse. And I want to go through a couple of different things that are components that are going to just really help you get to the other side of the healing that you need. So for those of you that have dealt with a narcissist in your life, you already know those traits, right? Gaslighting, making you feel like everything is your fault, so blame, ignoring, ghosting, walking away, outburst, just not taking responsibility. And there tends to be a vicious cycle of how this has gone on in your relationships. I'm sure you can all attest to this whole cycle of, oh, you're great, what, what which is what they call love bombing. So, this idealizing stage of, "Oh, you're great," maybe showering you with gifts and affection and words and attention and time. And then from there, something happens. There's some transition, whether you call them out on something, catch them in a lie, and then it goes to that other side, the dirty, the doggy, the nasty side, the devaluing disrespect, 'Who are you?' Maybe talking about you, calling you out of your name, ignoring you, making you feel as though you're lying or you're crazy. And then from there, it could go to totally dismissing you, ghosting you, or just continued disrespect. Again, that is the other transition point because from there, then they're back to the idealizing as if nothing happened, typically. So either you've dealt with a true narcissistic personality disorder individual or someone who has narcissistic narcissistic traits. Either way, it's horrible. You don't want to deal with it again, but you have to get to a stage in your life so that you don't continue having to deal with narcissistic people in your life. So, we're going to be healed from it. And this video today is going to give you some tips on things you need to do in order to move past this maybe not so beautiful stage in your life to get to the next stage. So, one of the things that you have to remember about radical healing is you always probably have to go back to the very first video, day 1, of the 30 Days of Radical Healing to get some of the background so that you can tie these pieces together. But one of the very important things that you have to do to heal from narcissistic abuse is to get away from the abuser, to get away from the narcissistic individual. Distance, space. So if you live with them, you should not live with them if you can help it. Now, some of you might not have a choice, but if you can live somewhere else whether you're married to them, roommates, parents, children, relatives, the best thing for your healing is to not be with them. So, to get away from them because when you're around them, you're going to have a tendency to fall back into those same patterns and behavior, and we don't want you to do that. So, distance. You have to totally disconnect from a narcissist in order to really start the healing process. It's hard to heal in the same environment that you got sick. It's like sitting in a room full of individuals with COVID and wondering why you still have COVID. You have to get away from the source of the trauma and the source of the abuse in order to start the healing process. So distance is the first thing that I would recommend for anyone. The second thing I would say is awareness. Awareness means, how did I get to this place? How did I get here? And one of the components of radical healing is being aware of oppressive forces that work to push you down, to make you feel less than in your own life. And in my other videos, I've talked about examples of what those oppressive forces can be. They can be racism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism, um, any of those things. But the one thing I didn't say was an oppressive force could easily be a person. So So it could be your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, your parent. It could be any of those things. So the awareness is usually what needs to happen first. First, be aware of the oppressive force in your life so that you can work on it. Part of the awareness in radical healing also comes with an acknowledgment. How did I get here? What brought me here? What were some traits that this individual had that wooed me in, that drew me to them? And usually those are the traits. If it's a romantic relationship, it's usually those traits that come with the idealizing phase. So the traits of affection and attention and showering you with compliments and words, usually that's what draws you in. But at the root of a narcissistic person tends to be insecurity, and it tends to be a lack of emotional connection and a lack of empathy. So you have to ask yourself, How did you get there? How did you end up in a long-term or short-term relationship with someone that has these traits? What is it about you and the type of people that are attracted to you that makes this easier to occur? Has it occurred before? Think about your past relationships, your past friendships. Are there certain traits that are prominent with narcissistic individuals that are attractive to you?— what are some traits— let's look at it a different way. What are some traits that narcissistic individuals have that may be packaged with other traits that you might like? Like, fly dresser— do they wear nice clothes? Well, that could be a part of one of the other traits, right? Are they outspoken? All outspoken people are definitely not narcissists, but sometimes is that packaged with another trait that may be more, more likely to be one of a narcissistic individual. So, you have to start looking at those traits. What is it about your relationships? What is similar about your past relationships that you can really narrow it down to so that you start to understand the issues that got you in this situation? Also, look at your family background. So, are you coming from a dysfunctional immediate or extended family? Has one of your parents suffered from narcissistic personality disorder or had narcissistic traits? Has one of your parents been addicted in any shape, form, or fashion? Because sometimes that can breed some of the same traits. Awareness is very important. Healing is based on your awareness of the situation and how you got here. In other words, let me say it a different way: you cannot heal and move past something if you have no idea how you got in the shit in the first place, okay. So, you have to be aware of those factors. Don't be afraid to look at them because if you don't look at them, you'll end up in another situation just like this and then another one and so on and so forth. And then, we'll be right back here doing another series next year on the same thing. So, awareness, got it? That was the second piece. Third piece, do not be afraid to grieve. When you get away from someone, leave a relationship, or have to put distance and space there, It's a sad situation sometimes. There is a loss of a person. It doesn't mean the person died, but sometimes it can feel very much like the person died. It can feel like, um, a big letdown, an empty space in your life. Now, when you're with a narcissistic person, that space is usually taken up by energy, conflict, chaos, and mess. But not having that in your life can still feel like a loss.. It can feel empty. So, you have to deal with that transition of what that feels like. Be okay with that loss. Be okay with that emptiness and that space and what it feels like. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to be sad, but make sure you don't spend too much time there and make sure you don't spend too much time blaming yourself because many times that comes with it. Journal if you need to. That can be an awesome way of writing out your thoughts and feelings. About how you feel as you move through this process. Grieving is a very normal process of ending a relationship with a narcissist and healing from that abuse. Fourth thing that is very important for healing from narcissistic abuse is you have to spend the time building yourself back up, because being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual is so —trying, so much of a burden, so much energy is used for that. Many times you come out of those relationships feeling less than yourself. You're feeling unworthy. You're blaming yourself for being in the relationship in the first place. You feel like you don't have the same amount of value that maybe you had when you entered that relationship. So, you're going to have to spend some time, take some time building yourself back up. Now, one of the components of radical healing is using your resources to overcome adversity. Resources— what are resources? Resources could be people, it could be books, it could be services in your community. But this is a great time to tap into your social support unit, your friends and your close family, those people who can pour into your cup and make you feel that you're worthy and yes, you deserve to be here. So that's one way of using supports. Another thing about radical healing, another component of radical healing, is using supports that we have. So that would be people, and it could be community supports, um, collectively, because I want you to think of this in this way: it's not so much that you yourself, your one person, is healing from narcissistic abuse, but in a lot of ways, many people in the community are also healing from narcissistic abuse. It's a different way to look at some of the racial stress and discrimination that goes on in this country, but we're all healing from some situation where we've been told, "Hey, that's all your fault. I didn't do anything. It's your fault that you're in that situation you're in. You're to blame." I don't know what you mean. I have no idea what you're talking about. We've all been in those situations before. So healing, you can look at it as more of a collective approach because we as women of color, we all have to heal from these type of situations and relationships. And again, they don't have to be romantic relationships. They can be friendships, they can be parenting, they can be other family members. But in this case, you need to heal from a narcissistic abuse in a relationship, and hopefully you've gotten some of the tips from me today. I've talked about 4 very important components of healing from narcissistic abuse, not just healing but radical healing. So remember, like this video, subscribe to this channel, and stay tuned for more videos on 30 Days of Radical Healing. I'm Dr. Jameca Cooper.