Simple Is Beautiful: Challenging Norms And Creating A Better Way Forward

Welcome to beyond you'd why Podcast, where we go beyond just talking about your why and actually help you discover and then live your why. You see, we believe that knowing your why, that driving force behind every decision you make and every action you take, is the essential first step to really knowing yourself. It allows you to move forward faster and have a bigger impact. If you're already a fan of the show, then you know that every week we talk about one of the nine whys and then we introduce you to somebody with that why so you can see how their why has played out in their life. This show will be more powerful for you if you've already discovered your why. If you still need to do that, head over to whyinstitute.com and discover your why today. It'll only take you about five minutes. Now let's meet today's guest. Welcome to beyond you'd why Podcast, where we go beyond just talking about your why and actually helping you discover and then live your why. So if you're a regular listener, you know that every week we talk about one of the nine whys and then we bring on somebody with that why. So this week we are going to be talking about the why of simplify. So if this is your why, then you are one of the fabulous people that make everyone's life better. You have the unique gift of reducing the number of steps required for almost any task. If most of us believe that a procedure requires eight sequential actions, you see how it can be done in six. You constantly look for ways to simplify, from recipes to business systems to how you organize your garage. You feel successful when you eliminate complexity and remove unnecessary elements in a process. You streamline things for the benefit of all and break things down into their simplest form. You operate from a perspective that the world is a better place when kept simple and as a result, constantly find ways to help the rest of us improve efficiency, save time and reduce aggravation. So today I've got a great guest for you. He is known as a dual threat innovator in the world of sexual and motivational psychology. His name is Brandon Wade Alcassar. He is a top selling author, college professor and and DJ whose focus involves promoting erotic intelligence and maximizing the power of arousal states for life optimization. During the past 12 years he's influenced thousands of students and social media followers with his entertaining and thought provoking lectures, posts and novels on improving happiness, health, social skills, sexual expression and relationships. Aside from his academic and writing careers, Brandon has served as a DJ for 25 years known for infusing neuroscientific concepts into the creation of workout mixes on SoundCloud, millions of fitness practitioners, fitness instructors, and gym owners throughout the world have used his productions. These music mixes follow a specific strategy designed to boost dopamine during workouts, thus increasing the likelihood of a fitness habit formation. Brandon, welcome to the podcast.

Hey, I wish I had my DJ equipment hooked up. I do the DJ horn.

Say your last name because I'm not sure I said it correctly.

Actually, you nailed it. It's Al Cocer. Al Coser. You did it just right. And actually, one of my things during the pandemic, I did a Google search on my last name and they have a way to pronounce it. Apparently in Spain, where it's kind of my ancestry is from, it's alcocete, which I've never said it that way in my whole life, but kind of cool, a little more exotic alcacede, you know, so. Yeah, yeah, but you nailed it.

Well, awesome. Well, tell us, how did you get into being a dj? Tell us, where were you born? Give us the quick story of how you got from where you were to becoming a DJ and then onto your next career.

Okay, well, the first place I want to start with that to kind of add a paint the whole picture is that I've learned that I'm what's called an hsp. Highly sensitive person or highly sensitive personality type. And which means that from a very young age, I've been observing human behavior probably on a level that's not typical of most people. I've been gathering data my whole life and whether it's musically. So if I go to. My parents took me to a lot of parties growing up, and I would always observe the dance floor and see people either dance or not dance. What music did they connect with? What music did they not? And I was always kind of compiling data, listening to radio, seeing how women interacted with the music, seeing the effect that that had on the dance floor. And just an extreme amount that when I talked to my other buddy, who's 10 years old, he'd say, dude, just throw me the ball. What are you talking about? And so that's kind of been a. The way it's been my whole life is this hyper attentive, you know, personality towards human behavior. So DJing, it was just. I love entertaining people and I have a musical ear. I've never played an instrument, never learned music. I just have this sense and it's just always been there that I know what's the right song that this group of people want to hear that's going to make their head explode on the dance floor. And so I'm not a music with some music file or whatever where people just love. I don't really care. I don't pay attention to lyrics. It's just what's going to give these people dopamine really is how I understand it now and did that. I started DJing parties at 13 years old. And actually there's a really cool story with that that if, you know, if we get back into this, I'll tell you about. My dad teached me kind of my first business lesson with that.

So tell us. Okay. Well, I'm 13 years old and picking up doggy doo doo to try to earn money to buy turntables. And at the time it was tape decks and little Walkman CD players and a Radio Shack mixer. Just whatever I could get my hands on. This is before the Internet, where you could download everything. And I had records and recorded songs off the radio. And I said, dad, I want to start working events. And he just said, well, book it and figure it out. Probably the best lesson my dad ever taught me, book it and figure it out. And there's some people who are perfectionists, and I'm actually the opposite of that. My rule is just get a B. Just get a B on it. You don't need to get a. Just get a B. And what that means is I do a lot more with that attitude. So going back to book it and figure it out, I booked this Sweet 16 party. I was 13 years old for 20 bucks, four hours, and it was, you know, and it went okay. But, hey, they wrote me a check. I didn't know what to do. I don't even have a checking account. I had no idea what to do with it, but I got paid. But what I learned was I booked that I had two weeks to get all this music together. And I. Because the pressure was on for me. I'm also adhd. That's when my brain kicks into gear and I actually focus. If I would have waited to, you know, eventually I'll get a gig, but for now, I'll try to just develop the skill. I never would have been that focused. I would have lost interest, probably moved on to something else. So for somebody with my brain type, for sure, it's book it and figure it out. I've been using that model with just about everything that I'm doing. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And because I've always. I'm an athlete. I grew up playing basketball.

To the best of my memory, I've hit every game winning shot I took. Not, I haven't taken a lot, I don't think, but. But I won our league championship on a game winning shot and several others. I might have missed a few, I don't remember. Maybe that's selective memory, but. But the whole thing is I know I perform better under pressure and that's again, understanding my brain type. I know that not everybody's wired that way, but for me it's actually when my brain is most at peace. I love speaking in front of large groups of people. It's very natural to me. And so that's where I navigated into. I did stand up comedy for a few years and then navigated my way into being a professor because I thought, okay, well I need to get a job. What's a job? I can't work in an office. It's just not stimulating enough. What's something where I feel like I can do stand up comedy all day and basically that's got the idea of becoming a professor. Turns out I actually like learning. It just took me a while to get there. And the thing I wanted to teach was happiness. Social psychology, which going back to my HSP brain, observing human behavior. 10 years old, 11 years old, I saw all of my parents, my friend's parents, they always seemed unhappy in all these marriages and relationships they that eventually got divorced. And then observing relationships at school and then in college and all these things, I can't help but think we're all trying to do this approach to relationships and nobody's stopping to admit, hey, why don't we do something different? And so I took that kind of question through college and didn't learn much because there's not much information on it. So I've had to kind of figure out my own way. And it's been gradually growing each year and blending in neuroscience and coming up my own theories and things like that. So after college, which I got my regular degree in family and consumer studies, which is basically family sciences, it's a study of human behavior. I could have gone the psychology route, but that was focused when I was going through school more on depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, the negative disorders, which is fine, but for an HSP it's debilitating. Studying that stuff just kills my energy and oh, and for people who are listening, if they don't, if they've never heard of an hsp, highly sensitive person, give a couple of examples. If I watch a scary movie and the monster, let's say Jason Voorhees with the hockey mask is stabbing somebody. It physically feels like I'm getting stabbed. And then for the next week or two weeks or even month, throughout the day, I'll get a tinge where that stabbing occurred in the movie. And I know it's fake. I know it's for entertainment and all that stuff, but I can't get that tick out of my brain. I physically feel it, which means I have a hyperactive central nervous system. And it doesn't apply to everything. There's all kinds of variety with it. But that's an example. And then another example of it is being highly empathetic towards other people. So if you and I, and let's say your wife and whoever, we went to a brunch at a nice. At a nice restaurant, let's say Marina del Rey. I think it was Trader Vic's back in the day, and they had a great Sunday brunch, and they have a famous chef in there, and somebody orders egg over. Over easy, and it comes out over hard, and they get angry and they send their food back. Well, for me, as a highly sensitive person, I'm thinking, oh, my God, what message is that going to send the chef? The chef who went to school for all these years is going to feel low on that day, when this is their biggest day of the week. They got to make a thousand brunches for people. I want to go back there, talk to the chef, and say, hey, I told these people how great of a chef you are and how great of an artist you are. Is it possible to redo this egg? And the other thing I want to do is order a dessert from you. Chef's choice. Whatever you think is the best dessert that you would love to eat, send that our way. Because I think you brilliant artists and I support everything that you do, and then I go sit down and. And so what that. What I'm saying with that is hyper, hyper aware of how other people feel. And I want them to feel so comfortable that they can maximize their performance. And so let's talk about that for a second.

When we talk about hsp, what actually are you doing when you're being hypersensitive? What's actually going on in your head?

It's.

You can feel pain of other people or.

And it shuts down all the other mechanisms in my brain of some people can block it off and go focus on something else. And for me, it just. It just can't. It just overwhelms it to where you kind of. For me, I almost feel paralyzed, like, and I'll have to just a lot of times I'll say, I'm going to go to sleep, it's 5pm I. I just got to sleep it off and the next day I'll feel a little bit better. So in a way, it's one of those things where it's a superpower and I've had to learn how to use it for good because it can easily turn against yourself. And as far as the heavy neuroscience of what's going on, I don't quite have because to be brutally honest, I only got diagnosed a month ago.

So I'm still learning about it. But man, did it pull everything together for me. And it helped me understand why I'm doing all of this stuff and my perspective on things and all that and how it's unique.

Well, let me ask you a couple of questions then. So what is the result that you get after you've been through an episode of being hypersensitive? What actually then happens? Because you then take an action, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I wish I could think of an example right now. Understanding human behavior.

It'll usually end up being a scene in a book that I. So I write erotic self help thrillers and my first book, the Experience, which we'll get into. And then I'm working on my second book. It doesn't have a title yet, but I'll get some lesson out of it that has a unique twist that maybe other people didn't see it.

The way. The way I see it. So I guess after an episode it's a level of clarity that I think is a nuance that might be different than what is the status quo. So in a weird way now when I have these episodes, I can sit in the mud, so to speak, and just, okay, I'm going to get something really good out of this. Let me just have it work its way through me.

So when you think about. So when you went through and discovered your why of being the why of simplify taking complex things and simplifying them down to something that's actually useful, stripping away all the extra stuff that's going on and getting to the point, how does that feel to you?

It minimizes the overwhelm. And that's what an HSP really is all about. We just create these environments where we minimize the overwhelm, you know, and that's where if somebody's creating a team, the HSP is good to have on the team because we can kind of see that maybe there's a lighter way, because it's going to save energy for everybody, you know.

Yes.

And of course that's obviously, you know, circumstantial, but. But that. That's a big part of it.

Why do you think things should be simple? What happens when they're simple?

It.

Or I guess simplified there?

Well, there's less stress, which means the brain works better. And, and there's people out there that. And I think it's one of your whys where they love challenge. Right. And I think of, you know, I've been listening to a lot of your shows and there was a gentleman on who's a basketball trainer, and he talked about working with Kobe Bryant and that stuff, which I, you know, I grew up loving basketball and I respect his talent. And similar to the Michael Jordan in the documentary that came out and everything, but those are very, very specific personality types that most of us don't have. And if we all trained like Kobe Bryant, we would be head cases. And a lot of people don't talk about the emotional issues that were on his team. And yeah, he won five championships, but I bet if he got, you know, if there were some ways to tweak his brain, which you can't, but if there were to make him a nicer human being, maybe he would have had 10 championships and. Or. Well, the flip side of that is if you take away that detail, focus that killer in him, then. Then he won't be as effective as an athlete. So I get that. I guess I've got jumping all over the place, but.

I think simple means there's going to be more space, less stress, more room for creativity, and people are going to be happier overall because then there's less.

People quitting and changing jobs and all that kind of stuff.

So when you think about.

The music that you create.

Or choose, you're wanting people to have an experience, right?

Yeah, absolutely. A sensory experience.

Yeah, a sensory experience. How do they do that? Does. Do they do that by having a lot of complex things going on all over the place, or do they do that when they're able to focus in on what you're trying to.

What you're trying to have them experience?

So with the music. Couple caveats. One, this is with the assumption that I'm the dj. The stuff that I've recorded, it's in their genre. If somebody only likes country, and I don't really play country, then obviously. Yeah. So it's within their genre. Right. But with this, in my mixes, I create what's called a mashup, which is where you'll take the lyrics or the acapella of one song and then the beat of another song and you line them up perfectly so you might hear, you know, the Beatles and then like a gangster rap beat and it's like, oh, and what that does. The number one way to release dopamine in the brain is nuance. And in this context, nuance is taking something familiar where you're somewhat familiar with it and you just add a little twist to it. And that gets the brain to have that, that spark of new dopamine, which is actually just interest, where you say, oh, that's interesting. That when you have that, oh, that's interesting, that's dopamine. And so I take a saw and going to the gym, it's that they don't change the design of the gym very much. You've been going to the same gym for five years. It smells the same, it looks the same. Weights are in the same spot, same person there that was there at 4 o' clock, was there yesterday and the day before. It all looks the same. So how are we going to bring nuance to this situation? Well, one way is the thing in your ears. And if you listen to the same Beatles album over and over and over again, okay, that's going to lose its effect. So how, how can we do. And so with these mixes, I take every genre and just turn them all around into a way that's pleasing to the ear and, and high energy. And so that's where people, they use that with workout or with cleaning the house, whatever it is, they're more than likely going to create a habit around that because of the dopamine, you know, release that's in place. So that's kind of my strategy as far as the mixes I make. And that's. But that's different than what I would do for like a dance floor or at a nightclub. So these are specific to. Or you could say, you know, working out or just habit creation.

And then what got you from DJ to erotic books?

Totally. So being adhder, lots of interest. I get bored super easy. Jump around from one project to the next. There's lots to have, multiple projects. It keeps my brain occupied, but also for the listeners. I'm not doing stuff all day long. I might work maybe two or three hours a day. The rest of the time I'm just laying around meditating, trying because I get over too much stimulation and I can feel myself just shut down. And so. But during those two or three hours is the equivalent of somebody else's 10 hours. They are hyper, hyper, hyper focused. And it's like the zone that you just lock into. And I think anybody's been in that kind of workflow state. I just know that my brain, because of it, you know, it goes there. So sorry, I went on a. Oh, how did I get from that to erotic books? Okay, so the DJ thing that started out as just a hobby and I DJ to get through college and everything and it, and it ended up just being this thing that I could work a couple hours a week on and it just built on its own. And then as far as the erotic books, I have always been observing human behavior. In my 20s, every girlfriend I had, I had three wonderful girlfriends. But each of them were unfaithful at various times in the relationships. And I was somebody who was teaching dating and relationships in 05 and 06. I was a matchmaker and dating coach in Beverly Hills and I worked at a firm that specialized in helping millionaire women find dates. My job was to coach these women into understanding their sexuality and things like that. And I would have lines of students after my classes asking about jealousy and what should I do about this and that. Meanwhile, I go home and walk in on a girlfriend with somebody else or whatever it might be because I'm thinking I'm doing stuff by the book, but it's not working. Whatever I'm doing that's by the book isn't working. And so finally, after the third time that it happened, that was my 29th birthday, I just said enough's enough. And during all this time I've been fantasizing about Vegas. I've always been obsessed with Vegas from a human behavior perspective. Like what is this place where you can just go and be free and there's all these lights and shiny objects. What is this? And I'd been a lot during my 20s. On my 29th birthday I just kind of dropped everything. And from LA to Vegas, about a three and a half hour, four hour drive. I drove to Vegas twice a month for the next seven years. And I put. And I realized that whatever is being studied on human, on sex and relationships isn't really accurate. You can't get much from a lab when people are filling out a form because they're not going to be brutally honest. And so by me going to Vegas, I got to really observe human behavior and be. I'm the professor who's just a fly on the wall. I'm with a pimp and six women and a multimillionaire and a mound of cocaine and Pizza being thrown all across the room at 4 o' clock in the morning in this, they're sweet at the Palms. And for me I'm saying, well, this is some interesting human behavior. Taking notes in my mind because I know that guy's married. That guy is a government official. That guy is a, is a, is a, you know, celebrity, such as all this stuff that's quote unquote, behind the scenes. There's something about human behavior that we're all ignoring. And so that ignited the spark in me to. And what I started doing was I would do all that on my drive home. I would listen to podcasts on neuroscience, I would buy audiobooks on, on, on neuropsychology. And really going in the deep of it and then piecing all of these pieces together. And what I think is modern dating, modern sexual expression, and it really boils down to radical acceptance and understanding who the f you are.

Identity.

Yep. An identity that's, that's really unfiltered. Like, like if somebody grows up and they just think, well, I'm going to get married, have two kids and a white pink pants. Why, where, where did that idea come from? Have you looked at the history of that idea? Have you looked at the amount of oppression for females that that idea has caused? Well, my religion said, okay, well, did you. Which religion is it? I don't want to bash religions. I think they all have their purpose. But there's certain religions where, you know, at least, you know, for the first thousand years of their existence, they thought that women didn't have a soul. Why are we still practicing that same thing? And the metaphor I give is, is like in the 70s and 80s, everybody thought they had to take karate because karate, you'll learn how to fight. You ever seen karate in a street fight? Doesn't do a damn thing.

Now we have mixed martial arts. We see. Well, that can probably work in a street fight, right? But this, this kata and it's beautiful and it's artistic expression, I get it. I'm not, I'm not knocking it, but it's, it's a, it's a, it's a solution for something that's not really accurate. And I think we're doing that with dating and relationships. And so through all of my experiences in Vegas, thinking of it from a scientist perspective, that's what led to this book. And I chose to write it as a story instead of a step by step guide because I think people learn better through story and studying the brain. The brain opens up a lot more to Absorb the information when we feel like we're the character living it. And so that's why I chose to write it this way.

So let me ask you a question. You went to Vegas to study.

Do you feel like you studied typical normal everyday people or was this out of bound, you know, out of the normal type scenario?

And yeah, and I gave a very extreme example and that's, that's to keep the listeners attention. But also very regular people, married couple who they're just real estate agents from Kansas. But guess what? They came there to swing a little bit to meet somebody, bring somebody back to their room that you would never know. I've had, you know, and there's also people that just. They go to have a good time and have a couple beers and listen some music and that's fine too. We have a great. I have a great laugh. I learned about them as well. So I've seen all types and there's plenty. And I'm not saying that if somebody is married with a white picket fence with two kids and all that stuff, that there's nothing wrong with that. No, that's great. My whole thing is if you did that and it still doesn't feel right. Well, it's okay to explore the why. What it's okay to look for other, other options. And one caveat with, as we go deeper into this is everybody has a different level of sexual expression or sexual comfort scale of 0 to 10. Some people are a 10, meaning they want to get into adult films and they have no psychological issues. It's just in them to express themselves that way. Zero would be just completely asexual where it's just. There's just nothing there. Age can play a part of that as well. And so wherever somebody is on that spectrum, I just hope that they've explored it. So if somebody's an 8 out of 10, but they've lived a life following a doctrine that wants them to only be a two, well, there's going to be a lot of, you know, discomfort and insecurity and not knowing self there. And so a lot for this book, it's for those people that they don't quite know where they stand. And they followed what everybody said, but it doesn't quite fit. That's kind of the angle angle I'm taking.

So what did you learn? Yeah, give us what did you learn from your studies?

Sexual expression is a superpower that most people have not tapped into and that it seems that we live in a system that wants to keep that at a minimum because it makes us easier to control.

And, and this, there's a lot of. You can go way, way back in history and find, find examples of this. And, and, and, and I know that on a lot of podcasts, they want, they want hardcore science and things like that. It's really hard to measure sexuality through science. It's going to get better as well. I'll tell you. Here's a future thing to worry about. Sex robots are coming. And, you know, think of the Jetsons, the house cleaning robot, right? Okay, well, what, what most houses are going to have in probably five to 10 years is a house cleaning robot that'll also watch the kids. And if you, you know, you pay an extra couple thousand dollars, it'll look like a supermodel. And you'll have it. We'll have it. You know, I'm just going hypothetical here. We could have a chip in our brain that if you choose to have sex with this robot, it'll also measure what's going on inside of your brain, the different things that are firing up and all this kind of stuff. And it'll give you a printout of what you're going through. And with that data, we can then figure out, or the. My hypothesis is they'll be able to figure out then what parts of your body need to be touched that are lacking.

You know, I don't know, sensory connection.

And. Sorry, getting ahead of myself. What did I learn? That the erotic sensory experience wakes up part of your brain that might be dormant and it brings an awareness to life that you may never know existed. And so what I was talking about, the sex robots is if you have a partner that can't quite figure it out, we can get to, we're going to get to where we have these, these things that almost that are like therapists, where if there's post traumatic stress or if there's things like that, they'll know how to touch your body in a way or speak to you in a way that builds your brain up in a way that you can't necessarily do it yourself.

So what. Yeah, back to what did I learn? That's one thing that people are craving to be touched. And the pandemic is we see a lot of examples of how powerful that is and not just touch, but touched in a way with hands that care.

And the example I give is if you've ever gotten a massage, you can tell when the masseuse genuinely cares about your experience versus when they're going through the motions. And if they go through the motions, you could Walk out of there with more knots than when you came in, you know.

So.

And then the other thing that I'm kind of dabbling with is studying ancient civilizations, like ancient Egypt and things like that. And they talk about, they'll show on the walls. All these hieroglyphics are very erotic scenes, but they seem to just skip over it and try to get to, well, this king did this, and they were praying to the sun. And I'm like, but what about all these erotic images? You try to figure out, how did. How are these pyramids built? Well, maybe they were more connected to. Because they had orgies all the time. Maybe there was something there. If you look at the brain when it's in a sexually aroused state. Well, let me show you this. These are drawn with markers. But if our conversation was just about money and motivation, you just see a tiny part of the brain light up. A lot of people go through their lives ignoring their sexuality, their sexual expression, and they have to use willpower and grind it all out. If we bring in erotic energy, you'll see the brain light up a lot more. Okay, so this is. This is the sex brain. Now this is. It's a big exaggeration to prove the point, but. But what I'm getting at is there. There's a superpower that most of us have been conditioned to ignore. And if somebody on that sex scale is at a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and they're not in tune with that, they're going to always feel like. Like something's missing. And. And it. Me being an hsp, it just, it hurts so much to see people go through that.

So if they live out there, what sounds like you're feeling like they should do, they should live in alignment with their.

How they're wired sexually, then what?

Self knowledge. There'll be a better understanding of self. Because if there's a disconnect there, I mean, most issues are rooted in where A lot of issues are rooted in sexual expression, whether it's sexual abuse or not, allowing this kind of beast to come out. We're the only animals on the planet that do erotica. We're the only ones that have some type of artistic expression with our sexual expression where it's not for reproduction, not only for reproduction. And I just think there is some kind of hidden power there. And the reason why I say that, I've experienced it. And then people who've read my book, who've ran away from cults and certain heavy, heavy structures from small towns that have kept them bound they have this sense of freedom. Oh, my God, I'm me. It's the equivalent of somebody who.

Comes out of the closet and all of a sudden they feel alive. That's. That's really what I'm getting to. And again, I. It's not. Everybody has to do this. And this doesn't mean you got to be single and go off and have an orgy. You can be in a. In a relationship. Absolutely. And just you and your partner can explore that more. And. And, you know, is. Is the sex just the same thing over and over again or, you know, they say change it up in the bedroom. Right. And even when I hear that, I'm like, okay, let's go deeper. How could you know, what are some of the ingredients? Well, if you do it in the. In the exact same room, the exact same house, but the same smells and everything, it won't feel all that different. But a lot of couples, when they travel, when they're in a hotel, all of a sudden it's real spicy.

Yeah.

There's something about the hotel. Why is that? Well, you're away from everything, but really the hotel is a totally different. In that room, the smell, the design of everything, completely different. There's this. You forget about the inhibitions of whatever's at home in this kind of cocoon that you built at home. And so part of it is then me seeing that in Vegas, where people totally let loose. That's why I can't help but think there's something there. And I haven't totally figured it out yet because, again, the research is really hard to do. And when the sex robots come out, it'll be easier to get data on it that's really, really accurate. And I know it sounds crazy, people. Like, I don't imagine it. Look, everybody has a sex robot right now. Everybody has one. It's their phone or their laptop watching adult films on that. It's the same thing. You just, you know, you don't touch it. But it's, you know, the technology is. Is there. So brains are being shifted as a result. I'm looking forward to the research that's going to come out, you know, because of that. And in the meantime, I'll keep, you know, kind of spreading this message that, look, we have to. We have to get connected to it. Study the history on why systems are trying to keep you down. Because Hitler did a really good job of that. He changed his whole country's belief system. As a result, he made masturbation illegal and arrested women that had sex that Weren't married and created a bunch of fear around that. And that's one of the key factors. He was able to switch the brains of these young men and to get them to believe what he believed.

So are you kind of feeling like people should give in to any of their feelings? Let's say it's a feeling. Like in this case, it's a sexual feeling. Let's say it's a feeling of. Could be anything else, you know, stealing something or whatever. The feeling is, that's what I should do.

So the. Bring in the moral aspect, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

And, and so, yeah, what I, you know, how do they. How do they fit together? And that's, that's where it's tricky. And I think by exploring. Okay, what. What is sex? Well, just two people touching. How bad is that, really? Well, we. If you're in a committed relationship, there's all these other dynamics, and I absolutely get it. And, and we may have an impulse to steal, let's say, a candy bar, but then the thing comes up in your brain, well, no, I'll get put in jail. It's probably not the right decision. But with, with sex, if that thought comes up once, no big deal. Comes up twice, no big deal. But 30, 40, 50 times to where it never goes away. Maybe not act on it, but seek help to understand, okay, why is this there? I'm in a committed relationship, but there's something in me that wants to go explore what is that? And if you, you know, you might go to a therapist and they, Depending on how they've been trained, they'll either guide you to stay in the relationship or help you to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your partner. So the caveat with this.

Let me see if I can answer from another way. I just watched the Tiger woods documentary, and they covered his whole quote, unquote sex scandal, which I thought was laughable. They forgot to skip over. That was when he was the most successful golfer on the planet, when he was flying women to Australia to be with him the night before the Australian golf tournament. So he'd win the tournament. The next day, he'd fly women, a girl from New York to Australia, not his wife, but that Kobe Bryant, he won, what, three in a row? But on that, that fourth one, when they had Karl Malone, everything. That was the year that he got busted for the whole Colorado incident. And he, we know he was probably playing around well before that. Now, I'm not saying these men were doing the right thing by cheating on their wives. I would hope they had a system in place that says, well, if you're having these urges, probably better to get a divorce and then go seek it out. Because yes, there is benefit to your performance based on your sexual expression. And if it is with multiple women, we can scan the brain and you'll see it just light up like crazy. As far as how the amygdala responds when it's in pursuit of a reproduction opportunity, it basically becomes the superpower. And so that's where the, you know, so the moral aspect, those men should have had an open conversation with their partner, I would think. And if it means go to divorce, then get the divorce, and then they can play around and still be super successful athletes and maybe settle down after their career. But that's, that's kind of the angle. I take that. Yeah, it's a tricky thing, but certainly what, what's worse to be in a relationship for 50 years that, you know, you should have got out of after year two, you know, but toughen it out because it's the right thing to do. I feel bad for people that do that.

So tell us about your book then. What is your book about?

Okay, so my book, it's about a college professor. It's a semi autobiographical in that college professor, 29 years old, who teaches dating and relationships, walks in on his fiance and realizes that everything he's learned in academia is just not an accurate match towards what he thinks human behavior should be. Runs off to Vegas. And this is where then it becomes a little more fictional.

Ends up meeting a gentleman at a bar who is on the surface looks like a pimp. He's got the fedora and all this stuff, but actually he's brilliant. And his neuroscience, like neuropsychology, just drops these bombs on him that he did not see coming, that he never read in a book. And the man says, well, you learn this through observing human behavior. Not all that, that stuff in academia that are made by people that are really just looking to boost their ego by publishing some paper, whatever. It's not all, but there's a lot of that in academia. And this gentleman who we think is a pimp, his name is Wish, and he basically, he's learned all these secrets that he needs to get out to the world, but because of the people who he's involved himself with, breaking laws and things like that, he can't get these sexual secrets or secrets on just overall, well being out. He needs to get it to a young man who is credible. Finds his professor, they agree that, hey, I'll teach you my secrets if you. But you got to pass these tests because this knowledge can be abuse. You can use it for abuse. You can take advantage of women with these things or whatever it is. So it's the hero's journey story. He goes on this through all these trials and tribulations and the young man learns a lot about himself and the power of basically experiencing sexual freedom because he was actually very censored. And I was very censored. Not for any other reason, not religion or anything like that. I have no idea why I was censored. I'm still trying to figure that out. The only thing I could think of is because of being an HSP and I knew there was a power there, but I was hesitant to go because it's, it's, it was so strong. I didn't, I didn't know what to do with it. So the character, the professor does all these things and meanwhile FBI agents, detectives are chasing them. They're trying to avoid breaking the law, to really bring it all together. And you find out that the people who you think are, quote unquote, the good guys, the law enforcement, are actually the bad guys. And this is an a knock on cop. It's just the one specific character in the book. And then the quote unquote pimp who's supposed to be evil actually ends up being brilliant. And you see that, you know, the character come to success at the end. But it's a wild story. And this story, as I said, people who've read it, that the emails I get, it's one that is, it's a non traditional way of self growth and self understanding. Even if you're not into the sexual side, there's still a lot of neuroscience in there that's presented in a way that if there is some arousal going on, you're going to memorize it more than if you were just studying a self help book on how to make money. The brain, when it opens up. And that's why sex and advertising work so well. So like the super bowl just passed. 1992, Diet Pepsi commercial. Who was the woman in that commercial?

1992.

Yeah.

Gosh. I'm gonna guess Cindy Crawford, but I don't know.

Yeah. And when was the last time you thought about that? Right. It's probably been forever. You nailed it. Yeah, it was Cindy Crawford. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember where you were when, when you saw that?

No, I can't, I don't know. That's okay.

I put you on the spot. I put you on the spot. That's okay. But, but here's the whole thing is I remember because, you know, I was 11 years old and the whole room just froze. Men and women stopped and turned. She gets out of this red Lamborghini. And for those of you who haven't seen it, you can find this commercial on YouTube. And that led to the biggest, highest amount of Pepsi sales in the history of the company was that one commercial. She didn't do any. She wasn't dancing or anything. She just got out of the car and cracked open a Pepsi. And that was it. But she was the most attractive woman on the planet at that time. Well, what's going on in that moment? And we're all at super bowl. Just, you know, craziness is going on. Everybody stops and watches. Well, they see this attractive woman holding, you know, a Diet Pepsi. The everybody's amygdala in their brain says, whoa, whoa. Reproduction opportunity. Even if you're, you're a female, the brain says, there's somebody that is getting all the attention. I better pay attention to that. And it activates all these parts of your brain that memorizes whatever's taking place. Okay, what's going on here? Okay, she's drinking a Pepsi. All right? Pepsi equals reproduction opportunity with attractive woman is what's going on in our non conscious brain. And I was actually going to do a TED Talk on this before the, the pandemic. And then, you know, you may not think anything in the moment. The brain memorizes that, that Pepsi equals reproduction opportunity. Next time you're in the grocery store, all of a sudden you're going to check out and the non conscious brain will turn your head and say, look, there's the Pepsi. There's the thing that's going to lead you to either Cindy Crawford or somebody that looks like Cindy Crawford. And then another part of your brain might say, well, Pepsi's not healthy. I'm not going to buy it. But the fact that's how sex works in advertising. And so understanding just that concept, if you're ignoring sexual expression in your life, you're ignoring a big power source of motivation. And even some of the women that I, that I coach, I, you know, and they, they'll come up with these ideas. There was one, she said, you know, I had this big meeting with a bunch of CEOs of some mega corporation. I wore my sexiest lingerie under my business suit. Now, it wasn't showing. She wasn't trying to flirt or anything like that, but it just, she wanted to Activate that part of her brain going into the meeting. So she was hyper focused and really able to take in all of that stuff and have her power and stand her ground with whatever it was that she was doing. So there's ways and there's. That's how some of the things are covered in my book that you can use your sexual energy not to flirt. This is not crossing that line at all. It's more just for self, that there's an untapped energy source there. Can. Can you connect to it? And again, if you're 5 out of 10 or 6 out of 10, if you're 2 out of 10, maybe it's a little overwhelming for you. I totally understand. It's not for everybody, but that's, that's really the big part of the book.

Is learning that you have definitely simplified it right down.

To like one thing. And if you can handle, if you can deal with and figure out this one thing in your identity, how much more energy can that give you? How much more passion, direction, excitement will your life have if you can focus in on that part of your ass, of your. Of your life?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I. A big part, I also think is just radical acceptance of who you are. And I think when we accept our sexual self, it's so much easier to accept everything in the world. Most of our insecurities come from that because it's the strongest thing our brain's designed for. Really. Two things get you to reproduction, keep you out of danger, and the danger part. We live in a relatively safe society most of the time. So, you know, there's an untapped force there that. Yeah, I hope, I hope people, you know, they hear this and they find a way to connect to it.

So last question. What's been the best piece of advice you've ever gotten or the best piece of advice you've ever given?

Hmm, I love that question.

There's so much in this, in the self help industry, in the wellness industry. What drives me nuts is people say, oh, you got to work hard to get it, you got to grind it out, you got to be scheduled and all this stuff. And.

That never sat well with me. I'm like, there's got to be a better way. And so the advice I would give is if the person who's, if you're following a Tony Robbins or whatever it is, if you can't see yourself being really good friends with that person, if their path really doesn't connect with you, there's a chance that you're wasting your Your, your, your time with that. Yes, there's going to be some value tidbits, but I, it's, it for me. It, it takes no mental stress to get up in front of 3,000 people and talk. That's extremely comfortable for me. Would you come to me for advice on how to feel comfortable talking in front of 3,000 people? I wouldn't know what to tell you because it's natural. Well, it's natural. And so when I see a lot of these self help people, they look like they're just excellent marketers and I can't stand good marketing. If something's really well marketed for me, I turn it off. It just, it bugs me. So the best advice is you don't have to follow what everybody else is following. There's a, I'm a very, very, I'm a gentle rebel. And maybe those of you who like to rebel against the norm and use your sexual energy, then come, you know, check out my book. Cool. If you'd rather go with a Tony Robbins or standard, that's great. And they're, they help a ton of people, that's fine. You don't have to do it that way. There's lots of ways. So that's probably the best advice that I seem to share the most because then, you know, if you don't take my advice, at least you can do that and find somebody that's a match for you.

Awesome. Love it. So Brandon, if people are wanting to get in touch with you, if they're wanting to find your book, I don't think we've even talked about the name of your book.

Oh yeah? Yeah.

How would people find you?

Okay, so the Experience, I know it's coming up backwards, but on Amazon, if you type in the Experience Brandon, it'll come up and you just look for these, these eyes here and you can see it. Or you can go to my website, brandon wade books.com and through that there's links to my social media Brandon Wade underscore author. And then if you just like the music stuff and you want to check that out at DJ Brandon Wade is my Instagram on SoundCloud. It's DJ Brandon Wade and I just, just passed over 9 million downloads last month. So it's, it's, it's growing and lots of good stuff there. So yeah, any, any of that is great.

Oh man.

But definitely the one stop shop Brandon Wade books dot com.

We'll have it all.

Yeah.

Awesome. Brandon, thank you so much for being here. I wondered how our conversation was going to go I had no idea. I was looking at your bio and I was thinking about our conversation. I was like, I wonder where we're really going to go here. I didn't have a good sense, but it turned out awesome. So thank you for being here.

Yeah, I appreciate it, man. I love a good improv, you know, that's part of the fun, I think a podcast is not so structured. Let's just see where it goes. It's a conversation. Let's see where it goes, you know, so. Yeah, that's cool.

Well, you're doing some great stuff.

I appreciate it.

Thanks for being here.

No problem. One last thing. Your message is somebody I vibe with and that you really. It breaks down in personality types. All that stuff is awesome. So, you know, I keep doing what you're doing. I love it. It's great.

So if I were to look at your why, your how, and your what, if I were to take a stab at it, what I think just based on our conversation, I would say that your why is to make things simple and understandable.

Right.

Break them down to where people can actually do something with it. How you go about doing that is by challenging the way things have always been done. Thinking outside the box, imagining extraordinary. And then what you ultimately bring to people is a better way to move forward, a better way to understand themselves, a better way to understand their sexuality. How does that feel to you?

That. Spot on. Absolutely spot on. My gentle rebel. Feels good.

It's in there for sure. And so it would be. Your why is to simplify things. How you do that is by challenging things. And what you bring is a better way. Yeah, makes sense.

Yeah. Lots of fun with that. Yep.

Cool. Hey, well, thank you so much for being here, and I'm going to continue to follow you, and I'm going to go check out your music as soon as we're done.

Okay? Sounds good. All right.

Thanks, Brandon.

Thank you.

So if you were to.

Get in front of an audience, which you'll be doing more and more of as this opens up, and you just talk to them about your why, your how and your what, they will see what you're doing from a different perspective because they're going to be trying to figure you out just like I was, because I didn't know. I knew your why, but I didn't know anything else.

Yeah.

But now if you said to your audience, you know, my why is to make things simple and understand. Understandable. Take this concept that's very challenging and break it down to something that's simple and useful. Now, how I do that is by challenging what everybody says about it, challenging the way it normally is done. And ultimately, what I'm going to bring is a better way to help you move forward, understand yourself, and create your identity so that it works for you. Right. If you just started with something like that, then everything you say after that is going to be proof of what you just told me, and I will see it from that perspective versus trying to figure you out. Does that make sense?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very clear. Yeah, yeah.

And so I worked recently with a guy who was one of the finalists on the Voice. I was at a. At an event in Nashville, and he came and performed. I was at this guy's mansion, you know, and he knows all the. All the performer, so he always has a concert for us at his house. And so this guy came over and he was one of the finalists on the Voice. And after he was done, we had this same conversation. And so we developed his message. And then before he performs now, he sits down with the audience and he tells him his why, his how, and his what. And so I asked him, I said, so, how's that working for you? He's like, man, you cannot believe how people respond to me. Now that they understand what they're hearing instead of just a good song or something that touches them. They know why I'm doing it.

Yeah.

And it has a different meaning for them versus what I'm doing.

Yeah. Actually, I noticed an increase in. I posted a video on my Instagram, on my DJ stuff, where I explained the neuroscience of what I was doing with these mixes, and that got the biggest response, and people. Oh, and they appreciate it even more. So. Yeah, I can. I can see, especially even now that you mentioned the music side, that people understand the quote unquote method to my madness, you could say. Right. And then they're almost looking for it, and then they say, oh, and there's the. There's the. Oh, I got it, you know, and they text me or hit me, you know. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Exactly.

And it almost creates, like, a little treasure hunt for the listeners that. Yeah, that's. Yeah. And so simple, beautiful.

That's what you're looking for.

Yeah.

Simple is beautiful.

Yep. Yeah.

And if you can simplify it into something that's useful, well, how much bigger of an impact can you have? So if we can simplify what you're doing and why you're doing it to one or two sentences, people look at you totally differently, and they can actually see you for the gift that you're bringing them instead of wondering, what's he really all about? Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Especially in the world of sex. That can bring up a lot of flags for people, you know. Yeah, it's triply important. Yeah. Yeah.

You just happen to pick this world of sex, and you also pick the world of music. You could have picked anything. It doesn't matter what you. You just happen to pick those two things because they were.

Part of your life and part of some trauma and stuff that you went through.

Yeah.

But you could have easily picked working out or speaking in public or anything else, but you just pick those two things and they became your focus, and.

That'S where you're living, your why. But I'm so glad we got to meet and, you know, and thanks for being on here, and I look forward to following what you're doing. I gotta. I gotta get your book and all the rest.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. That'd be great. And same. Same with you. Absolutely. So we'll keep moving on. Okay. All right, Gary, I'll sign off here. Okay, thank you.

Take care.

You, too.

And so now it's time for our new segment. And that is guess the why of somebody famous. And so this week, we are going to look at the why of Mark Cuban. So if you know Mark Cuban, he is the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, he's on Shark Tank.

People have a lot of, you know, either like him a lot or don't like him. He's always threatening to get into politics. He's always got a comment. He does things that are logical and direct. So what do you think his why is? I'll tell you what I think it is. But what do you think? Stop for a minute and just, you know, picture Mark Cuban, Shark Tank. All the questions that he has, if you know anything about his. The way he manages his basketball team and the way he's totally involved with all of his players. I believe that his why is to make sense of out of the complex and challenging. I think he's that guy that can solve problems and do it quickly, and he takes in a lot of information and makes decisions. He's like, hit me, hit me, hit me. Okay, I got it.

Let's go.

So I believe that Mark Cuban's why is to make sense. What do you think? In the comments below, depending upon where you're listening to this, let me know what you think. And so I want to thank you for listening. If you have not yet discovered your why, you can do so@why institute.com go there. We just launched our new website. You can use the code podcast50 and you can do it for half price. If you love the beyond you'd why Podcast. Please don't forget to subscribe below and leave us a review and rating on whatever platform you're using to listen to our podcast so that you can help us achieve our goal of helping 1 billion people discover, make decisions and live their why. Thanks everybody. Have a great week.

I really hope you enjoyed today's episode and that through today's guest you heard how important it is to know your why and how impactful it can be in your life and the lives of those around you. Be to sure sure to head over to whyinstitute. Com and discover your why today. Remember, the more you know about yourself, the more you'll know about others. I'm Dr. Gary Sanchez and I'll see you on the next episode.