In this candid YouTube monologue, Dr. John A. King shares how he navigates the emotional challenges of Mother’s Day, which trigger memories of childhood abuse by his mother and her acquaintances. He outlines three core principles for coping: (1) distinguishing forgiveness from forgetting, emphasizing that one can forgive without the unrealistic expectation of erasing the past; (2) allowing past trauma to refine rather than define one’s identity, using it as a catalyst for personal growth as a husband and father; and (3) employing hyper‑vigilant self‑management on trigger‑laden days, which for him means avoiding potentially volatile environments (e.g., skipping church) and instead engaging in low‑stress activities like watching a movie in his garage. He also stresses the importance of modeling healthy behavior for his children, actively facilitating their positive interactions with both their mother and his wife Melissa, so his own afflictions do not become inherited patterns. The talk concludes with a supportive, slightly humorous encouragement to “tuck your chin and throw punches,” underscoring resilience and proactive coping.
Chapters
Morning. I have a real challenge with Mother's Day, and I understand it's because of what I suffered as a child at the hands of my mother and her girlfriends. And, you know, it's a long way away. It's just sometimes there's dates and occurrences which make it very difficult. So I got to thinking, there's probably a few of you out there who are facing some challenges On today. So I just want to give you a couple of thoughts about how I manage it. I'm not over it, obviously, but how do I manage it on, on a day-to-day basis or around particular occurrences? The first one is there is a massive difference between forgiving and forgetting, and I spend a chapter on this in my book, Deal With It: Living Well with PTSD. You can forgive someone for what they did to you, but it is stupid to think that you will forget it. And the whole concept of forgive and forget comes out of a misunderstanding of Christian scripture. We are never required to forget. In fact, it's the opposite. We are actually called to judge people by the fruit of their lives. So if you've got someone in your life who is involved in systemic abuse, they will not change, and it's okay to assess them accordingly. But it's very, very important for you as an individual to be able to let it go. Just let it go and you move on because they, they certainly won't. The second thing is to be aware that what happened in your past on occasion is going to affect your present, and if you allow it, will define your future. I talk of my past like this, again, in Deal With It, is that your past should either refine you or define you. It'll do one of those two things. I choose to allow my past to refine me, to make me a better man, to make me a better husband, to make me a better father, not to define me as a broken man, a broken husband, a broken father. It doesn't mean that it's not a challenge. But I'm aware on a day like this, I've got a wonderful wife. Melissa is fantastic, and my kids are still having to interact with their mother, and I don't want them to pick up on what I'm carrying because your afflictions can infect you, and I don't want my afflictions to infect me. I don't want to pass that bitterness on, so I become aware of it. I have a listen to myself, how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and I'm just aware of it. Okay, this event is affecting me now. Therefore, I'm going to have to go into a hypervigilant management mode on word, action, and attitude. I may have to curb some behavior. Like today, I, I won't go to church because I'll do a whole range of celebrations of mothers and I'm just going to want to punch someone in the throat. And so it's not good for anyone. So I'll stay at home, I'll sit in my garage, have a smoke, um, have a coffee, and watch, um, John Carter of Mars. There you go, perfect. The third thing is, I think, and it sort of ties onto this, is we have to be very much aware that we are modeling greatness to our children. You know, my kids, particularly my son, because he's a man and he's watching how I interact with women, and my daughter, because she's watching how, as a woman, how her father interacts with other women, I have to be aware that I don't— as I said, I don't want to pass my affliction on, allow it to turn into affection and pass it on. So I have to be aware of that. So I will go out of my way to help them interact with their mother. I'll go out of my way to help them interact well with Melissa. And what I'm hoping is going to happen is that they will see me trying And take note of that, as opposed to focusing on what I am unable to do, but we'll focus on what I am attempting to do. So, um, I hope that, uh, I hope that helped you. And, uh, tuck your chin and throw punches. It's all good.
