Episode #69: Helping Your Child Get "Unstuck" from Their Mental Health Issues, with Dr. Roseann C...

Hi, I'm Dr. Tabitha, the functional gynecologist. I'm a board certified OB, GYN and functional medicine physician. I've embraced the world of functional medicine and wellness through my own personal health journey. And I'm super excited to share my wisdom and unique perspective as it pertains to women's health. So if you're struggling with hormone imbalance, weight gain, period issues, anxiety, insomnia, you name it, then you've come to the right place. I want to be your functional gynecologist. So welcome. Hi, ladies. Today's topic is super important, so I hope you'll stay with us the whole time because we are talking about your children's mental well being. I know we've all been affected by the pandemic, right? And I see women every day who are feeling uber stressed. I've been there myself, like many days, just feeling overwhelmed with what's going on and having a hard time managing it all. But I've been really concerned about, like, what the, the effect has been for our children. I think it's been a lot harder than we might even realize because they don't necessarily verbalize what's going on in their heads, right? They don't have that language capacity or even that higher brain function to understand what's going on with them. And so I'm really excited about today's topic because it's super important to all of us because your children might be showing signs that they have stuff going on and they might not verbalize it. So it's really important to kind of clue into the verbal signs they're giving you. And what does anxiety and stress look like in a kid? What does depression look like in a kid, you know, or what are the tools that we need to give them to help them cope with stress and manage it? And so my guest today, this is her life's work. She's a mental health expert who focuses on children and she has some amazing insight into all of this. So I think it's really going to be a great episode and I want you to share it with everybody, you know, because this is affecting all of us. We have grandkids or our own kids or aunt, you know, nieces, nephews, whatever it is. We know children have been affected by the pandemic and we are all in this together and we need to help each other out and give our children tools to, you know, turn into amazing grownups. And it all starts with how we handle things. And so I want you to just take away some golden nuggets from this, like what should I be looking for in my kids behaviors? You know, how can I talk to them if I think something's going on? You know, what are the best ways to help them understand their feelings and manage their stressors and deal with their issues? And Dr. Roseanne, who we're going to talk to, just has such amazing insight and golden nuggets on how to handle all of this. And the best part is she has a summit coming up. So it's called the Get Unstuck Parenting summit. And it's April 23rd to the 25th. And I really encourage you to register for that and sign up and watch it. It's totally free. But it might be life changing for you and your children. So the link is in my show notes. We're going to talk about that. But you're going to get so much valuable information just in this episode today. So stay tuned. Before we get into all that, I want to say sing her praises. So Dr. Roseanne Kapanahaj, she's a mental health trailblazer. She's founder of the Global Institute of Children's Mental Health. She's changing the way we view and treat children's mental health. Forbes magazine called her a thought leader in children's mental health. Her work has helped thousands reduce and reverse symptoms associated with the most challenging conditions facing children today, such as adhd, anxiety, mood, autism, learning disability, Lyme and pans and pandas. So she's used her holistic therapies such as neurofeedback, biofeedback and psychotherapy. And these techniques are proven to work. She's amazing. So she's the author of the first ever book on teletherapy activities for children and adolescent therapists called the Teletherapy Toolkit. Her mission is to teach parents how to reduce and reverse their child's symptoms using proven natural therapies. In her book It's Gonna Be okay, she talks about all this and in her Get Unstuck program. So she shows parents how to do all that. And she is a media expert. You're gonna love listening to her. She's hilarious. I love her. She's been in feach, you know, featured in dozens of outlets, Fox, cbs, NBC, Forbes, Parents, New York Times. She teaches about these natural tools and techniques and therapies that build resilience and improve your children's mental health. So awesome. She is a trailblazer. She's doing amazing things and I'm honored to have her on today because this topic is important. Ladies, I see you Stressed out, trying to manage your stressors. And now we gotta, you know, deal with homeschooling and all these other things that we never had to deal with before, and it's adding to our stress. But our children feel our stress and they have their own stressors. So this topic is just super important. So here we go. Well, welcome, Dr. Rowe, to the Functional Gynecologist podcast.

Well, Dr. Tabitha, I'm so excited to be here and have this conversation about moms and kids and all the stress that they're experiencing in 2021.

This is such an important conversation because every day I see women in my office who are stressed out, and the pandemic has only made it, like, all the worse. And honestly, a large part of their stress comes from their kids, right?

Oh, of course. Yeah.

So what I've been seeing a ton is that, you know, women who have these professional careers, they're doing it all, having it all, being it all. Now they got to be a teacher and homeschool and deal with all this lockdown and their kids not being in sports and outside and playing. And it's just kind of, you know, it came to a head for sure. And I think we're kind of on the downslope, but I feel like the results of what we went through are just beginning. Am I right?

Yeah. I mean, we're not really talking about the long term impact of this extended quarantine has had on us from homeschooling, massive zooming, technology overload, lack of activities. I mean, just stress. People, stress is real from changes in finances, jobs, and, you know, whoever thought they would be a homeschooler. Right. Like, this is something people choose to do. And, you know, this has really had a huge impact. And, you know, the American Psychological association does an annual survey. It's called the Stress in America survey. And so in it came out at the end of 2020. And so no surprise, 70% of parents reported a high level of stress due to the pandemic. And working from home and educating from home. I mean, and stress overall in all adults, adults in 2020 is 20% higher than the year before. So, I mean, the high level of stress is a real thing. And as you know, and educate people on every day, it always has a impact on physical and mental health. You cannot avoid the impact of stress no matter who you are.

Yeah, I mean, I was really surprised at how differently my children handled the lockdown and the homeschooling. You know, my son, who will sit on the iPad 24, 7 if you let him did horribly with the zoom classes and the, the online interaction. It really had a negative impact on him. And so I was really surprised. Like what is that about? And my daughter who typically wants to be outside playing, she did just fine with school. So I think that, you know, we think, oh, they love being on there, it's great for them but maybe it's not, maybe too much is dangerous. And so I would love for you to talk about that.

Yeah, I mean, so let's talk about the impact of technology and learning. So first of all, I mean let's just acknowledge like when we start off this conversation on the long term impact, I mean there's going to be a lot of long term and you know the impact and one of the impact is on the learning of our kids. Right. So every parent should just expect there's going to be gaps in learning and as I always say is like my mug says, it's going to be okay. So everybody is going to have some, some impact because we've had the wild west of education in 2020 and 2021 and probably into next year we're going to get better at it, but it's not going to look the same as it did in 2019. It's just not. So we need to come to terms with that. Don't yell at me on the screen right now. But so you know, education truly looked very different and I work with people all over the United States and the world and it really was so some people's education was really not largely disrupted. So I have two kids, one of my kids already was homeschooled and my other child goes to, I want to call it a very alternative school but it's not, it's just a very hands on, very science driven, small, tiny, tiny school. Less than 40 kids, K through 12th grade and did a lot of multi age work. So in these private schools, the majority of private schools has not, they haven't missed school. They've either been virtual in the latter the first part of 20, 25 days a week and then this year, academic year, almost everybody know goes to a private school, is in school five full days a week. Right. So the disparity between the kids in public and non public is huge. Right. So that has effect of what kind of delivery method are these kids getting? Right. So some of kids were getting like a Google Meet and the teacher would show up an hour and then the rest of the time is fully work that they have to do on their own. And kids need instruction people and we are not Trained teachers. I know the parents are probably like, praise the Lord, Roseanne, we are not trained teachers. Okay? So when I say I was a homeschooler, first of all, I'm trained as a. My doctorate is an educational psychology. So I have a trained. I worked with for 20 something years with kids who learn differently. And a large part of my work was teaching people about how to what we call differentiate instruction. So I know how to break down things for different kinds of learners. Does that mean I was awesome at teaching my own kid? No. Hell no. I had a tutor when I homeschooled.

And I'm a gynecologist. I don't know how to teach math.

And to four, don't even talk to me about math.

Oh, gosh.

I was listening to my tutor talk to my son about algebra yesterday, and I was like, oh, my gosh, get me out of this room. And I don't want to hear about it. And I was like, huh, that's what that's for. They, you know, they were just talking about exponents. And I was like, exponents. And so we are not equipped. And also, most people were working.

Hello.

Trying to teach your kids. Hello. Hello. Not possible, right? No. So we. We also didn't understand what learning looked like for kids, so we thought our kids had to sit for five or six hours. What I think they. Most people didn't know. And as somebody who homeschooled at one, at one point, had homeschooled my kids for a very long time before we found a school. And then my son wanted to go back to homeschooling, which is fine. And is that one to two hours of direct one on one, one to one instruction. So one to two hours of direct one to one instruction equals a full school day of learning.

Wow. Okay.

So parents were unsure how to navigate this, but you still need direct instruction. That means they still have to do reading, silent reading on their whole own. They still need their specials and, you know, doing all that. So we're just not trained. The delivery wasn't there. Teachers didn't know how to do virtual. It's like therapists, right. I wrote this book, Teletherapy Toolkit, because therapists didn't know how to do virtual psychotherapy. And they were doing things like playing Minecraft with their patients and Scrabble and reading it in the Facebook group. And I'm like, I can't imagine a parent is thinking that they're doing Minecraft therapeutically. So very, very stressful for parents. Finding routine and structure in that stride has been a challenge for people. And it's an evolutionary process. And as more schools are opening up, like, so as of February of 2020, we're in March, 40% of kids were still getting primarily virtual instruction in the United States. That's rough.

It sure is. And I want to talk about, like, how children show their stress and their anxiety that developed from all of this situation because they don't have the capability to say, hey, I feel anxious, I'm stressed out. Right. So it shows up in different ways. My son retreated. All of a sudden he was staying in his bedroom and not wanting to interact with the family. And luckily I realized that that was a warning signal. But I don't know that people necessarily know that or we're so busy trying to balance it all that we don't necessarily realize and it's an issue. So I would love if you would just like, tell the listeners what are the big ding ding warning signs that your kids are being affected by all of this?

Yeah. And it may be really confusing to people, Tabitha, because of the increased need for sitting with this overuse of technology. And so they may not understand that. They want to constantly sit. Right. They're like, oh, I can't get them off their device. Well, why? Right. So our friend Dr. Krista Burns from the American Posture Institute talks a lot about digital dementia. And if anybody ever gets a chance to talk to her, she is unbelievable. She's one of the guests speakers on my summit. And you know, we have this technology drain and overuse of technology does have a cognitive and physical effect, and stress can be one of them. But we are not designed to be sitting and slumped over a device. Our posture is affected. She's a master at talking about different exercises for this. But once we're spending more than 20 minutes on a device and we're getting blue light exposure, the brain is either going to get under stimulated and overstimulated. And so this constant repetition does interfere with our autonomic nervous system. And one of the results can be stress anxiety, you know, withdrawn behaviors. And so what are signs of stress in kids and how is it different from clinical anxiety? So kids show us their difficulties, they don't tell us. Right. I often use the example. So I'm the mother of boys, and my little guy, John Carlo is like a 57 year old and he came out that way. So. And like we had a parent teacher conference today and they do things differently. It's actually a child teacher conference and we're there to just listen. So it's really cool. So they go to a school that really teaches them to be independent thinkers and really have, you know, and we parent, we do autonomy, supportive parenting. So we're really into letting our kids fail and cope with stress. So my younger one will say things to me like, I'm feeling worried, but he's an old soul and he's had 10 years of practice. And I teach him to connect to his body sensations. So kids will show their stress. They'll have stomach aches, they'll complain of headaches. They'll be cranky. They might be nasty to you. They might slam doors. Now, some of this stuff is normal adolescent behavior, but when it's unexpected or at a level that is disproportionate to a situation and is constantly happening, we want to be like, our kids are stressed. What I want to say to every parent, just like, we're stressed right now. You should expect your kids to have some type of stress impact from this pandemic. That doesn't mean we should wash our hands and say, well, oh, everybody's just going to be stressed out. That's it. No, there's things we can do to mitigate that. But some kids are showing anxiety, depression, ocd, clinical symptoms that may have been there at a mild level before the pandemic but have exacerbated. And some people have had no symptoms before. I have to say, Dr. Tabitha, I don't know if you feel this way. I have truly never seen adults be more stressed than I have during this pandemic. I've seen people, even in my personal life, basically become hot messes and lose their. Lose their mind.

Like the most focused, you know, organized people who can always. Together they are gaining weight and not sleeping and biting people's heads.

Napping. Yeah, biting people's heads off. Like angry at the world and instead attacking people. Attacking people. Yeah. Yeah. I. I actually coined the term reentry panic syndrome because I had employees who freaked out on me when I asked them to come back to work, who just went from dream employees to incredibly difficult employees. And it was not rational the way that they were acting. And I was like, I think this is going out in the. Going on in the world. And that people as they wanted to re. Enter the world, and now we have sort of the. The part, the extension of that is, you know, Covid anxiety, that there's this whole still hum of anxiety in the world. And, you know, the silver lining in this is that people are recognizing this and they're slowing down and they're finding people like you and saying I need to take care of myself.

Yes.

And my family.

Yeah. I love the point that you made. Like it might show up physically, they're going to show, show you how they're feeling and not tell you necessarily. Because when I think back, you know, last March, last April, when we were just hunkered down, literally we're in Michigan, So it's like 20 below, you know, we can't leave our house or we'll freeze to death. Yes. And my kids are on their iPads for 20 hours a day. All of a sudden I'm hearing complaints of headaches and back pain and neck pain and stomach aches, all kinds of physical complaints. And those went on for a long time before the behavioral changes started. But it did manifest. And I would just love for people to like stop and listen to your kids actions and not necessarily what they're not saying because it's super important. And you know, you adults too. Right?

Right. 100%. These are the same things that show up in adults. And you know, the best thing we can do for our kids is to teach them to connect to these uncomfortable body sensations. So we are a culture of avoiders. Right. We are culture. And I'm no different in that there's times when I want to try to shortchange and say I can not sleep, I can overwork, I can do all that stuff. It's kind of catch up to you. Right. And even though I take impeccable care of myself and basically my whole life has been holistic, so I have the privilege of being somebody whose parents like, you know, made their own food from scratch and had a garden. And you know, my parents have a 2400 square foot garden in their 70s and 80s. Okay. This is no joke. Okay.

That's awesome.

Yeah. So I don't even need to have a garden. We just go over there and take, we have a little garden with the victory garden as we call it. But you know, so we have to look at what is going on. And you're right, kids will show, will will see it. So like so many people come to me just like you people will come to me after word of mouth and somebody's like, you got to go to Dr. Roche. She always figures out what's going on. And I get all these high performing kids. High performing. So they're getting great grades. Okay. So the fault of the American culture is we think grades are the benchmark of our kids mental health. Yeah. I can't tell you. And it's not Just parents, it's doctors, it's teachers, it's school psychologists. Good grades does not equal good mental health. Okay? Good mental health equals good mental health. Right? So. And what happens is these people, these kids will have a history of like stomach aches and things like that. Headaches, joint pain, heart palpitations. I've had people have, you know, passing out, Vasovagal syndrome, mysterious passing out. You name it, I have seen it. And so many people have gastrointestinal issues who are high level. It's unbelievable. And you name it, they're there. And sometimes people will come to me because they're like, we went to every physical doctor you possibly can imagine. Nobody could figure it out. And somebody said, maybe it's stress. And you know, the body knows no difference between good and bad stress. It does not. You know, I have a super fun, exciting things going on with different books and this and that and summit.

It's still stress.

Yeah. It's like then if you look at the. Everybody Google the top most stressful things in a person's life. Like number two is a wedding, right?

It's supposed to be fun and loving and amazing and it wreaks havoc on your.

It does, it does wreak. Yeah. Oh my God. You know, and I remember when I got married, my photographer was like, so what drugs are you on? And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, you gotta be on like value. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, everybody is freaking out when they get married and you're so chill. And I'm like, well, first of all, I'm so chill. And second of all, I didn't pay for this Italian wedding my parents did. But I remember being so struck by that and it just really stuck with me that, you know, we had a damn good time. I just want everybody to know when our second person.

Oh, I know you did, girl.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Anybody who's Italian know what I'm talking about? If you're Jewish and Italian. Our food is the, is the, is the priority in the, in the wedding and stuff. And my parents were super cool about it and they just have such a love of food and it was a really awesome experience and it wasn't a gigantic wedding, but you know, so we, we have these things in our lives that are stressors and so parents don't think that my kid is like, well fed, beautiful life, have friends, have their own room, no financial concerns, no major stressors. And yet they can experience stress. And there's A lot of pressure on kids. And before this pandemic, kids mental health was already in crisis. And I think what I've seen is I've seen more parents reach out to me in this pandemic as like, oh my gosh, I'm connecting the dots. So my kid is really, really struggling right now. But there actually was some little bit of signs that I didn't really catch on to until now that some of those somatic things were really a big, you know, things. So parents need to, you know, be mindful that and you know, that your kid, if your kid is experiencing anxiety, depression, any of those things, or just prolonged stress, it's okay. And there are things that you can do that are natural and healthy and that can reduce and reverse those symptoms. And it's so important for parents to know that and they really can be the leader in that to help their kid.

Yeah, that is like key. So I know my listeners are thinking, oh my gosh, that is going on. I really need to address it. But, like, how do I even start talking to my kids? Or, you know, my first thought was, where do I get help? I need a therapist. You know, that's what we all jump to in America is like, let's find a therapist to help. And sometimes that works. But so much of the time with kids, it doesn't necessarily work. Right. So how.

Absolutely. Yeah.

How do we even start going down this road of getting them help?

Yeah. So first of all, what I want to say to people, and I say this all the time, is that nobody ever regrets getting help. They only regret when they don't.

Such an important point. Oh, my gosh.

And I love up all my mamas that come to me. Right? Because I'm a mom. I'm a special needs mom. Both my boys have different kinds of special needs, and I have been there and the road is freaking hard. Okay? It doesn't matter if your kid is just struggling for the first time or they've been struggling their whole life. It is a very lonely, scary road. And I could tell you stories that would make you cry of my own rejection from people and friendships that have ended because one of my boys has pans and has behaviors and mental health issues as a result. And boy, has it repelled people. And yes, those people weren't supposed to be in my life, but my God, does it hurt?

Right?

And nobody is immune from that. And all my special needs mamas know exactly what I'm talking about. So I want to just validate that for people. But where. But These moms always come to me feeling so guilty that they shoulda, coulda, woulda, and I want to say is, you're here. You do the best you can. And that little waves create big waves. So it's those small actions that you are very purposeful and you're being conscientious and consistent about that actually create change. So I'm a huge fan of therapy. I'm not a huge fan of starting with talk therapy. We know from science, neuroscience that once the nervous system is hyper stress activated that you're not accessing your frontal lobes. So talking is not efficient, especially when it's our bodies that are stuck. Right. So our kids are not going to have words to talk about what they're feeling until we do deeper work. Right. So what are things we can do? So first of all, the first thing a parent needs to do is put their own damn oxygen mask on.

Thank you, Dr. Rowe.

Thank you so much. Kids are watching us. We can. My Tony, my dad, Tony says talk with talk. Talk with a mouse is cheap, man. Right. So it's what you do that makes a difference and they really are paying attention to what you do. Yes. And, and I don't mean to make you feel bad, but I also want to make you feel bad. I want you to feel guilty about not taking care of yourself because when we don't take care of care of ourselves, we're telling our kids that they shouldn't take care of themselves.

Amen. Yes.

And so. So you're going to say, but, Roseanne, I don't have time. No, I'm going to tell you that I'm pretty damn busy. And I make time and I make time for myself. And I also make time to do things with my kids that emphasize self care and we do it together.

So.

And you only need 10 minutes a day is the minimum amount of time that you need. Right. But once you get into the self care mode and you feel good and your nervous system regulates, you're going to want to do more of that. But all you need is 10 minutes. I don't care who you are. Tabitha and I hang out with some pretty busy people and everybody is taking time to regulate your nervous system. So there's no rational thought is not allowed. This is a physiological response. If your nervous system is hyper stress activated in your fight flight or freeze mode, your nerve, your frontal lobes actually go offline. So stop trying to access things through this talking, thinking, feeling when it's really in your body. So the first thing a parent needs to do is take care of themselves and role model that. And also show your kids that stressors happen. You don't ignore them. You take a moment, you deal with them and you problem solve around it and be really explicit about it, right? So like here's a great example. So I talk out loud all the time. And I remember before I had kids, I would do this neuropsych testing with kids and I would sit them down on the first appointment and these appointments were like two or three hours. And I would sit down with the kids and be like, Dr. Rowe talks to herself so she can hear herself problem solve. And these kids were like, that's awesome. I do that to myself all the time. And I was like, feel free to talk out loud. And it was amazing because I would hear how these kids who had learning challenges would problem solve and how they would come to solutions. But I also let them know it's okay to do that. So. So I think just letting somebody know, like, like simple stupid things, like everyday things. Remember, it's the little things. Like I. Last night the tutor was there and I had these Italian glasses that seem to be really don't break easily. And somehow I put. Just touched it and it broke. And Giancarlo said to me, what are you going to do about that? And then he quickly said, you're going to leave it for dad, right? And I was like, you know what, Giancarlo, I am going to leave it for dad. You know me so well. But I don't want to disrupt your session. And he and I will come back and we'll clean that up. And it is so little, so little. But it let your kids know. First of all, we had humor around it. So what? I broke a glass. You know what I mean? So the hodges like to have a good time. And we're super funny and we try to bring humor into the serious situations because, you know, I had a kid with pans. You could Google pans. It's. It's a nightmare. You think your kid has a demonic possession. You don't know what's going on with them. And so we really had to up our humor game. Otherwise it's constant stress. And I think people can relate to that in 2020 and 21 that just. We were hit with so many things unplanned. So that's really, really important. Role modeling, how you manage stress being an example. Reinforcing those great responses to problem solving. Not perfection, but really trying to figure things out and trying to have light, you know, and then, you know the next part of all of this is structure and routine. Our life is very different. Kids were thriving in schools. Right. Or with chosen homeschooling because people had structure and routine. And kids need to know what to expect. So if you haven't already gotten a good structured routine that's predictable, then you need to do that. Gives your kids a sense of control. And kids need. We know, a sense of control is tied to better mental health. Everybody, all ages.

Yes, yes.

Right. And so part of this was this, what's going to happen? What's going to happen next year? And that's why I'm saying to people, I mean, we know about viruses that, you know, this. This is at least three to four years. It will look better as we move through it. But we need to still expect education in 2021. And 2022 won't be the same as it was in 2019. It'll be better as this year was better than the previous school year. But there's still going to be some things, some bumps. Right. And then teach your kids, besides how you manage stress. Teach them ways to regulate their nervous system. System. Yeah. And could be breath work. It can be prayer. It can be meditation. It could be biofeedback, which is inexpensive. It could be things like neurofeedback. There is gratitude, journaling. You have to get really explicit. And that's where you need to say, we're going to spend 10 minutes a day doing this. I don't care if you have to, you know, bug your teenager. Okay. And, you know, you don't want to be nasty about it. You don't want to get into arguments, but you really want to really set the tone and really say, hey, come on, we're going to do this. Let's go do this. I mean, people are exercising and biking. You have to do these things. This is a way to counter the stress. It's a way to counter the technology drain. And we need this for lymphatic drainage and, you know, endorphin release and all these other things that come along with movement is really, really important. But also just that calming of the nervous system is going to allow your kids to think and act in a way that's more congruent and more regulated.

Yeah, exactly. I think back to when my son was struggling. Like, the first thing I did was I said, we're going to take the dog for. For a walk. And he was like, what do you mean, you and I? And it was a foreign idea to him. And it worked. Like, I got him away from the iPad. And I just had 20 minutes alone. And I didn't like, push the subject. I didn't ask him questions. I didn't like, force him to share feelings with him. We just laughed at what the dogs were doing in the snow and like, enjoyed each other's company. And it pulled him out of that space. Right. And so, so important. Yeah.

You just, instead of getting stuck in the friction. Yeah. You, you shifted. Right. You use movement and distraction and it's important, you know, and you're, you know, to say to kids. Some kids, like I said, are good at connecting to their feelings, but it's really a long term gain to connect. Oh. You know, my son in the first day back to school was like, I'm feeling anxious. I mean, he actually said, I'm feeling anxious. Okay. You know, he's. At the time, he's not you for a mom, we're always right. So I. What do I say? I say, where is it in your body? I don't say why. Right. So he knows. So he said, I kind of feel it all over mommy. And I was like, okay, what do you think we could get it to tamp down? And so I was like, let's do a couple deep breathing. And then I, he said, I'm nervous, I'm worried. So then I said, do you have a sense of where, why you think you're worried? And he goes, I'm worried the kids won't wear their masks, Mommy.

Oh.

So then I was like, okay. He says, these are new kids. They're, you know, they got an influx of kids into their private school. Right. And so, and so I was like, they're new. Here's the deal. You're always such a good friend. The teachers are so loving there. They're gonna, it's gonna be okay. They're gonna talk to him about it. And then I gave him a couple solutions, like if a kid wasn't wearing a mask, like how he could help. Right? That's him. He's a helper. He likes to help. And he's not at. He's a, he's a bit of a rule follower. I don't know where the hell he got. Actually, I know where he got that from my sister. So. But he's very loving. He's very loving. And you. Oh, he never wants to hurt somebody, but he wants to help people to do the right thing. He's very conscientious, a very high integrity kind of kid. So he then gets a little uncomfortable if somebody is like, you know, like, like some poor kid. They got an impulsive kid this year. So this poor, he was like, mom, I mean come on. He doesn't listen and he talks over the teacher. And I was like, honey, hey, we gotta love him. Sometimes his break doesn't go on. He's like, you're right. And then I was like, what would help you out? And he was like, it would help me out if I didn't sit next to him because he talks all the time. So I was like, all right, can you talk to your teacher about it? And he was like, I need your help with that. And I was like, all right. And then they moved him and he was like, no more. He felt good about it. And then I was like, you got to give that kid time. He didn't know the rules there. And he's like, all right, you know, so we talk about what are things that make you uncomfortable and then we talk about solutions without blaming other people. And we are a culture of blaming. And that's not going to help your kid. And again, giving kids control and power and teaching them love and tolerance is really important. And I want to just tell everybody that high emotional IQ and empathy is one of the highest characteristics of the best leaders and the people that have the greatest success. So job success and monetary success. Because people need to hear that to feel like so you really want to develop that social emotional intelligence and empathy is one of those. So it's an important, important skill for kids and to have greater self awareness. It's those little conversations, you know, and yes, we can go to therapy and it's great, but therapy should really involve parents. It should never be just about the kid. And if you're going to a therapist who works with kids under age 18 and you're not participating in every session or at least going to in every other session, you need to find a new therapist because that therapist doesn't know what they're doing.

Yeah, I think that's an important point is you need to be involved, you need to be part of the conversation. And I love the open ended questions and the, you know, getting them to just express how they're feeling instead of answering like why, why are you anxious? Why are you yelling at me? Why are you angry? Like they don't know the answers.

They don't know the answer and it's going to be like the Spanish Inquisition and they're going to clam up. So like I, you know, simple questions that are really helpful for parents is put your hand on your, the place in your Body where you're feeling stressed.

Oh, I love that.

You know, I ask that to adults all the time because especially when you're really activated. And then a simple thing would be like, well, what do you think we could do right now to lower that down a little bit? And even if they say, I don't know, you can say, I have a couple ideas. How about would you like to try breathing or would you like to try this? Ask. Give two options so they don't have a no. Oh, I love that.

That's really good.

And then teach them. And then say, okay, what number? It's called a suds check. You can do a check before on a scale of 1 to 5, where are you at? And then afterwards, if you do three rounds of some type of breath, like a four, seven, eight, which is in, in through your nose for four seconds, hold for seven, out for eight, do that three rounds, three times, there's no way you're not going to feel better. It's physiologically impossible and it's so empowering and it's free. And we should be doing this with our kids too. So it's a great way. And kids need again, give them control, give them the tools. Life is always full of stressors. This is just a really hard time. And this is important. We need to do this work now because we don't really know the long term impact. But what we do know in research that we're seeing. So some research is coming out of the United States right now through surveys, but we have research out of China, which had a pandemic in Asia in 2019, was they already had a pandemic. So we have their research and we're seeing greater rates of depression, greater rates of behavioral issues and whatnot. So let's really know, use what works. And we know that greater coping skills and building resilience and stress tolerance is 100% correlated with better mental health. And parents can do that. Yeah.

And oh my gosh. I want you to touch on another point that I found with my daughter is I hadn't been hugging her as much because we're not touching anybody. We're like, you know, you're in this new phase where everybody's going to get the COVID if you touch, if you hug. And so I had quit hugging people on a regular basis and I realized I wasn't hugging her anymore. And I wasn't hugging my son because he's older and he's starting to go through puberty and he may not want that. And what I saw was when she wasn't getting the hugs, she was acting out, she was getting mean and she just needed a big old hug. I mean, don't we need that physical connection?

Holy cow, do we need physical connection? And we are crazy hugging family, the hodges. And, and I'm super grateful. Even my 16 year old is a ridiculous hugger. And my 10 year old tells me he's not so sure he's going to hug me as much as his brother does. And I was like, oh, you are. And I'm living next door to you, Giancarlo, because that's how we roll, right? We're always so funny. But I'm totally serious. And, and no, he can live wherever he wants. But. But you. We need that. And we. There's all these feel good things that happen in neurochemicals and whatnot, but it's. It's a form of, you know, nonverbal reinforcement for our kids, right? And I often tell my little guy, doesn't it feel so good to be so loved? And I say that to him and he's like, yes, mommy. And you know, because we are very much a physical. And then we talk about things or whatever and you know, he always is like, you were just such a crazy mommy. You're always so funny. And we just go drive every morning. I'm grateful that we have, you know, we do that. And I also think some of the hugging ended too for parents because there was no routine and structure. We weren't dropping our kids off. Yes, we get home from school hugging, a kiss. And we're also freaking stressed out. So make a point to hug and do all that. I often do things like if I'm going to be working the next day, I was like, you get your butt over here and I'm going to hug you and you come sit next to me and stuff like that. But again, this takes time, right? Yeah, a lot like this and stuff like that. And their dad is really funny and is always like doing like giving us hugs and we make big jokes about it and I think really just trying to laugh and not even just movement and hugs, but just be silly. I know you feel like you can't, right? But you are funny. You are funny. Bring the funny back because we need to make light, you know. And I talk about really serious subjects all the time. And I am working with people who almost are out of hope and I always make a point to make people laugh and do all that because it just makes you feel okay for a minute. And our kids need to Know that. And it's also okay to talk to them about big subjects. Like, daddy lost his job and we have to be more budgetary. And I don't think you should ever shy away from that. And as a daughter of an entrepreneur and when my parents like how to tighten their belt, Holy crap. They sat us down. And we're like. I remember one Christmas, they were like, we got $600 for Christmas, and that's it. And let me tell you why. Because we bought a building and we did this, we did that, and we were like, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wasn't getting my Sergio Valente jeans that in 1982.

So, no, I think that's so important. Like, yes, honest with your kids. They be honest because they're seeing it. They. They won't understand unless you explain it to them. And so you don't want them to be confused and thinking the wrong thing. Just be straight with them.

Be straight. Talk in developmentally appropriate language. But always reassure. Kids are going to. We are our kids emotional compass. It is not outward. Now, yes, peers have an influence, but when we provide that anchor for kids, they have better mental health, they make less risky choices, and we want to keep providing that over and over and over again. And, you know, my son, who has pans, has had a lot of difficulties. It's been hard physically and emotionally on him socially. And at 16, I'm like, it's finally coming together. All of that good parenting, having the coolest mom and dad on the planet. No, just kidding. We really think we are, you know, because I go to front row in concerts and things like that. I'll be 70 if anybody wants to come to Duran Duran with me. And, you know, I'll be there with you, girl.

Oh, my God.

Well, Katy Perry was the best. I took my kid to his first concert front row. Katy Perry and his friend. I mean, they lost their minds.

You are the best mom.

But, you know, we like to have a good. I know what my priority are. The gift to having somebody struggle is you. You. You get clarity on what's important. And so we prioritize. Everyone has their things that they love. Maybe they love to do. Go karting, maybe they love to travel, whatever. It's experiences that make a difference in the world. And so I joke, right? But all of the good parenting nuggets, you may feel like your kid is not there. It really is not listening because they're giving you pushback, or there might be friction. But when you come to your kid with love, you're clear about what you try to match up expectations and you really are doing a lot of positive reinforcements, reinforcement and, and being physical. Tabitha, I, I think hugs. You know, when my kid would get mad, he still, even if he gets upset about things, my teenager will calm down and initiate a hug.

Oh, that's wonderful. Right, because it just diffuses all those bad feelings. It really does.

Absolutely. Put out the fire and you can some parents think, well that means like I'm not punishing them. No, we shouldn't be punishing unless it's a safety issue. Discipline is not punishment. Discipline is teaching. Right. So we want to really shift our thinking and do lots of reinforcing. And again, I think one of the silver linings of this pandemic is parents are like, hold on, what am I doing in life for myself, for my family? My kids and kids are struggling and really recalibrating. So wherever you are in this journey, you know, it's really important to think about the bigger picture and what are those little things I can do to, you know, bring, bring health and happiness to, to my family.

You have provided so many amazing golden nuggets. Just like things that we can start to do. How we can start to look at our kids behaviors and their complaints and maybe see it in a different, different light and like, hey, here's how we can start to intervene and do something different. But you mentioned, you know, neurofeedback, biofeedback, all these amazing things that I would love my listeners to really learn more about. Is your summit gonna cover all that amazing stuff?

Yeah. So we'll talk a little bit. So I have a stomach, some stomach. I have a summit called the Get Unstuck parenting Summit and parents can to. You'll give them the links.

Yeah.

I'm so excited for this and I'm so excited. So we're really focusing on the top issues that kids are dealing with right now, including, you know, difficulty with virtual learning, but also more significant things like ADHD and depression and having high performing kids breakdown. JJ Virgin is on it. Bob Hope's daughter Miranda Hope is on my summit. I mean I have some really amazing speakers and we're really focusing on actionable tips and tools that parents can do right now. Yes, we'll talk about neurofeedback and biofeedback, but it's really about what are things that you can do regardless of what these issues are that you can start doing right away. And everybody who's there has just given so much love and value. And that is April 23rd to 25th, but we'll offer Evergreen. People can get it afterwards. And it is for free. We do have an amazing live day with some really special things. And you can literally get like thousands of dollars worth of free things if you do the VIP upgrade. But I'm excited. And then, and then I have a book called It's Going to Be okay, which is really what parents can do. It does talk a lot about neurofeedback and biofeedback. But again, I'm really, really just on this mission to teach parents about these actionable tips and tools. And we have to stop thinking and giving away our power, that there's some type of magic pill or magic wand. It's things that we do at home and I break it down so it doesn't mean, like this mysterious thing. So. And that's my book. It's going to be okay. And that's May 11, so I'm excited about that, too.

Oh, my gosh. All the work you're doing is so amazing, so important. I mean, all of our kids need us to watch this summit. They need us to start changing how we're acting at home, interacting with them and giving them tools to, you know, grow up into independent, amazing people. Right?

Independent. And parents are doing an amazing job. They are. What I like to say to people, it's just these little tweaks, you know, and so when you change your wording, instead of constantly over accommodating your kid and saying, oh, don't worry about it, no, we teach them to cope. So I give you tools on how to shift your wording. It's not. You don't have to throw out everything you're doing. So I know people are overwhelmed. I've been an overwhelmed parent, even though I'm super trained. When your kid's struggling, you don't know where to start. So we give you lots of places to start. You just need to get. Do it, you know what I mean? Like, and be consistent about it. Right. So. And that's what our kids need from us. I mean, they need love and they need care, but they need a lot of consistency in how we parent and being. We want our kids to be independent people. And they can.

Yeah, exactly. So the summit link is in the show notes. I want everybody to sign up. It's going to be so amazing, such good information, and then they're going to get your book.

Right.

You said May 11th.

May 11th, my book comes out on Amazon.

Awesome. Awesome. Well, thank you, Dr. Rowe. Your wealth of knowledge. You're Amazing. I know my listeners got a ton out of this today.

Well, this has been a great conversation. Thank you for helping me to support parents and kids during this trying time and again. It's going to be be okay. You know, we're all gonna get through this.

Amen, girl. All right, we'll see you soon. Oh, my gosh. Wasn't that awesome? She is a wealth of knowledge, and I'm sure you got a ton of awesome advice out of this episode. I just think, like, she makes so many good, important points that a lot of us know this, but sometimes we forget and we just need to be reminded, right? Like, I need to be reminded on a regular basis that my kids need structure. My kids need a plan. They need the day laid out for them because that keeps them from feeling out of control. And so I think getting organized, having a schedule, writing things down, letting them know what the plan is, is super important. Setting major limits and boundaries, limits with the iPad and the screen time, super important. Getting their bodies moving. Just like I tell you, ladies, we need to move our bodies. We need our kids moving their bodies every day. We need them out playing outside. We need free play, all of that good stuff. We need to hug and love on them and give them physical touch and, you know, we need to laugh with them, induce all those good, loving feelings. Get a dog like I have that you probably hear right now. My kids love their dogs. It really gives them a sense of, you know, purpose, having them, loving on them, taking care of them. She just has so much, much good information to say. But really, if you feel like you need to go deeper on this topic, especially if you have children or, you know, somebody whose children has ADHD or, you know, anxiety, depression, pants pandas, all of these, you know, diagnosed mental issues. Her summit is gonna be awesome. So I think everybody should watch it. You know, it's free. There's really no reason not to sign up. I think as parents, we can always use reminders on best practices and what we should be doing and maybe how to tweak it and do it a little better. So I try to always have an open mind about how could I be doing things better because. Because I really do want my children to grow up to be happy inside, full of joy, their true self, independent, you know, productive members of society. Right? I want them to fly the coop when they turn 18. I want them to go discover themselves and do all the incredible, amazing things that God created them to do. And so whatever tools I can learn about and use to make that happen, all the better. So check out her summit, okay? And otherwise, go out, have a kick ass week and I will see you back here next time. Bye, ladies.