8 Steps for Overcoming Fear of Judgment & 3 Key Questions to Level Up the Next Three Months (90 Day Check In)

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Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves, they conform to the tastes of others and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And his daily law from Robert Greene says, if you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become. An individual. A master. The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in right now to become happier, healthier and and more healed. I feel that this episode is going to be a pivotal one for the rest of your 2024. This is going to be one of those episodes that you're going to feel the difference immediately because you checked in, we're already 90 days in, right? With three months in, effectively 90 days in. And we're a quarter of the way through the year, three months down. And it is so important that we start living our years in quarters, right? A lot of us wait for New Year's Day, New Year's resolutions to restart, to reset, to feel like we can gather momentum again, get that energy back. But here's what I want to tell you. The highest performers in the world, the highest performing companies in the world, the brands and the organizations that hit their pinnacle, all of them are measuring things every week, every day, and definitely every quarter. Now, I want you to have a year that you look back on and say, 2024 was one of the best years of my life. How many of you won that year? Raise your hand right now. Nod your head right now. Right. So many of us want that year, but we almost wait until the end of the year to see, what did I achieve? What have I done? Where did things go wrong? Where did they go? Right, this is your quarter one. Check in to help you level up, to help you upgrade, and to help you get to the next stage in your acceleration. So here's how I want you to think about this. These aren't just any old questions. These aren't just easy reflection questions for the end of the year, end of the month. These are the ones that are going to feel a little bit uncomfortable. These reflections are going to be challenging. And I want them to be because I really want to uncover what's blocking you. I really want to uncover what's getting in your way. I really want to uncover what is it that is holding you back when you know what you need to do, when you know what you need to build, when you know what's on the other side. Now, here's how I want to approach this. You've heard me say this quote before, but I have to share it again. Charles Horton Cooley once wrote, the challenge today is, I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. Let that blow your mind for a moment. Charles Horton Cooley said, the challenge today is, I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. Which means we live in a perception of a perception of ourselves. Let me break that down further. What it means is if I think that you think I'm smart, then I feel smart. But if I think that you think I'm weak, then I feel weak. A lot of us base what we're chasing, what we're doing, what we're building, how we spend our time on what we think people think of us. Some of us don't try to do the thing we really want to do because we're scared of what people think of us. So many of us don't chase our dreams because we're scared of what we think people think of us. So many of us don't date the person we want to date. We don't try the thing we want to try. We don't launch the thing we want to launch because we're so worried of what we think other people think of us. And this block, this fear, not of failure, but of the judgment that we'll get if we fail, holds us back eternally. So here's how I want to start excavating as our quarter one check in today. The first question is, what is the most difficult judgment that you're afraid of? I told you it was going to be a tough one. I told you it's going to be uncomfortable, right? I told you I was going to challenge you today. What is the most difficult judgment you are afraid of? Right. What's that thing that you're like? I don't want people to think that about me. Right. I don't want to think that about myself. But what is the thing that you think? I don't want people to think that about me. That's why I'm not doing X, Y, Z or Z. Right? What is the most difficult judgment you're afraid of facing that's blocking you from living your best life that's made this quarter slower, less productive, less effective than you want it to be? Now, this is a really interesting one because we all don't like being judged. And that totally makes sense, right? That none of us want to be judged. But this is really more about the idea of we're scared of a judgment that we haven't received yet. Because we're predicting that if we take a certain step or action that we might get that. We're scared that if we upload that video, our friends will think we're losers. We're scared that if we announce our new plans, our friends will say they're not possible. We're scared that if we tell everyone who we're dating, they may not approve. We're scared that if we really tell everyone the truth about what we want to do and what we're focused on, people will laugh at us. What is that most difficult judgment you are afraid of facing? What is it? Second, who would you be if you didn't worry what people think about you? How many of you think or overthink how you laugh? How many of you overthink how you cry? How many of you overthink how you Behave in social settings and then just limit yourself and then act even more stupid, right? How many of you feel that where you're trying to avoid acting in a way that you judge yourself for, but then you actually end up acting worse? Who would you be if you didn't worry what people think about you? Who would you allow yourself to be? Who would you allow yourself to express yourself as? What talent? What habit are you holding back on? Who are you scared of being? Would you be kinder? Would you be more loving? Would you be more empathetic? Would you be more bold? Would you be more courageous? Who would you be? And then third question is, what would you do if you didn't worry about what people think of you? What would you do differently? What changes would you make to the way you act and behave into your life? It's really interesting. When I studied the Vedic literatures during my time as a monk, they talked about how we develop our identity based on three key things, and they are positions, possessions and people. Right? Our identity has become about positions, possessions and people. Let me break it down and give you an example. Position. I am a CEO. I am an author. I'm a podcaster. I'm an influencer, whatever it may be. Position. Second possession. I'm a homeowner, right? I'm a car owner. I'm a pet owner, a possession. And then people. I'm married, I'm a fiance, I'm divorced. All of our identities are based on positions, possessions and people. And that's why when we go through transitions in those areas, we're always intrigued to see what people think of us, right? You get promoted to another position, you wonder what everyone thinks. You get demoted or lose a job, you wonder what everyone thinks. Possession. You get your first home. What does everyone think? You are still paying rent and feeling judged for it. What does everyone think? People? You get married and you think, what does everyone think? You get divorced and you think, what does everyone think? So not only are we constantly wondering about what people think of us, our identity is also wrapped up in things that are based on what people think of us. And we rarely ever ask ourselves, what do I think of myself? Even right now you might be thinking, oh gosh, what's everyone thinking of what I've achieved? This first quarter, I came out swinging. Maybe I over announced my New Year's resolutions. Maybe I haven't hit that goal of weight gain or weight loss. Or maybe I haven't hit that goal of I said I was going to post one video a day like, oh, no. Now my friends are laughing at me. I told them I was going to do this, and I haven't. So many of us and our reflections are actually just overanalyzing what we think others think of us. It's not really based on how we want to focus, how we want to refocus, what we want to build. There's a great page that I love in the book the Daily Laws by Robert Greene. And in that book, on page 41, he writes, Become who you are. Some 2600 years ago, the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote, become who you are by learning who you are. What he meant is, the are born with a particular makeup and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate. It is who you are to the core. Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves. They conform to the tastes of others, and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And his Daily Law from Robert Greene says, if you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become. An individual, a master. Wow. Right? First of all, wow. If you haven't read the book the Daily Lords, I love it. It's a great daily book to read. And becoming who you are. I'm more interested in you becoming who you are than I am in any of the goals that you set. And the reason I say that to you is because I really believe that if you're closer to becoming who you are, everything else will follow through. The problem is we're becoming who they want us to be, or we're becoming who we think they think we want us to be. And that means we believe they're thinking about us in the first place. How many times a day do you sit there and think about what everyone else should do with their life?

Genuinely?

How often do you think about that? How often do you sit there and go, I know what so and so should do with their life? I'm guessing never or 1% of the time that's exactly how much they're thinking about you. How many of you, how much time you spend every day thinking, I know whether that person should quit their career or not, or I'm not sure they should do that or not. Well, Maybe there's a 10% of your conversation, but that's it. If you're only spending 10% of your time thinking about others, that's how much time people are spending thinking about you. But we think it's a lot more. We almost think that everyone's always constantly thinking about us. Every Instagram story they post, every Instagram reel they post, every quote they put up, every message on the group chat is all about us. We're constantly self reflecting and self projecting everything that we come across right all the time. And it's so fascinating to me that this happens again and again and again and we rarely stop to ask ourselves, what do I think about myself? Who am I? What is important to me this year and what is blocking me this year? And that's where I want you to start. That's where I want you to focus on.

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Now, some of you may remember this, but Jamie on the Man Enough podcast with Justin Boldoni a few years ago now, this was quite a While ago, asked me what did I used to value that I don't value anymore? And you can see me really think about this on the episode. And I stumble trying to figure out what's true to me in that moment. And I say, being misunderstood. I said, I don't value being understood anymore. I'm okay being misunderstood. And that is a work in progress. It's not a place that I've reached.

It's something you're constantly working on.

But the reason I said that and where it comes from is that I've realized that all of us are a paradox. Take this in really, really clearly. You, me, everyone we know is a paradox. And the reason why we struggle with ourselves is because we try to deny 50% or more of who we are, right? So a paradox is something that's seemingly absurd or contradictory. And what I'm saying is that all of us have contradictions in who we are, in how we are and how we behave, right? Someone could meet you one day and say you're the nicest person in the world. And someone else could meet you another day and say, I'm not so sure about them. Someone could say you're the kindest. And someone could say you're the most courageous. You might say that you're really an introvert, but everyone else thinks you're an extrovert. We're all paradoxical. And what limits us, the reason I'm bringing this up as a quarter one check in is because one of the ways in which we hold ourselves back is we try and say we're only one thing. And that doesn't allow us. What that does is it blocks creativity, it blocks energy, it blocks frequency and vibration that otherwise we could unlock if we gave ourselves permission to be all of ourselves. It's almost like today we feel everything is black and white, right? Everything's polarized because we're not able to get into the nuance, we're not able to get into the gray. How are you gray? How are you paradoxical? What is it about you that you keep pushing down, right? It may be a skill set, maybe a belief, and you're like, no, no, no, I don't want to be that. I'm just this one thing, right? What is that for you? I remember, for me, it was for years, I was like, no, I've been a monk. That's what I am. That's who I am. And I'm not allowed to be a media personality. I'm not allowed to be other things. And I've realized that I want to embrace all of who I am. I want to embrace every skill I have. I want to embrace all the talents, all the passions that I have. And that's allowed me to unlock living a better life. And I wonder, what is it that you have blocked? What part of yourself are you blocking? Restricting, limiting. That's not allowing you to live at that level. There's a beautiful verse in the Bhagavad Gita, the book that I studied during my time as a monk, that says, attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. Let me say that again. Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. Notice how we all oscillate between attachment and aversion. This is who I am. I'm attached. That's not who I am. I'm averse. And we find that it's the same energy, right? When you're holding something close or pushing something away, it's the same level of energy. Whereas when you're able to accept, hey, maybe I'm a bit of both, maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm playful and profound. Maybe I'm assertive and affectionate. Maybe I'm organized and totally goofy, right? We often want people to be one thing, and we want to be one thing when we're all more than one thing. What part of yourself have you been blocking? What part of yourself have you been limiting because of that mindset? I also want to flip this one. Who's someone in your life you have a very black and white view of? Could you look at them differently, maybe? Do you recognize that they're paradoxical just as you are? There are parts of them that exist even if you never perceive them. It's so easy for us. We're lost in a world right now that's all about left and right, black and white, right and wrong, this and that. And the truth is, there's so much nuance, there's so much gray. I do this one exercise sometimes with a client, and we'll be walking down a path, and I'll ask them to focus on something or find some shrubs, some stone, whatever it is that kind of stands out to them, that's unique and different, something that they wouldn't be familiar with. And I remember this one client, he picked something on the path, and I asked him, before he picked it up, I said, tell me what you think it's like. And he said, it looks really rough, hard and harsh. I said, okay, great, pick it up. He picked it up, and half of it dissolved in his hand, it was completely soft, almost like ash. Then when he turned it over, the other side was really smooth. And I said to him, this is the story of us and this is the story of everyone in our lives. We have a judgment, we have a perception, we have an opinion, we have an assumption. Often we never even take the moment to experience that individual, to really try and understand them. We just assume that our opinion, our projection, our prediction, our judgment must be right. Now, even when we try to hold, when we try to come across that person, we may still hold on to our assumptions, but actually, if we open up, we recognize that they're a lot more complex, they're a lot more layered, they're a lot more textured than we thought. And the same is true for ourselves. We're so much more than who we think we are. And that's why we're meant for more. We're made for more. We're built for more, we're created for more. But we keep focusing on less. We keep thinking we deserve less, we keep thinking we're made for less. We keep thinking that we're built for less. We keep settling for less and less and less, not realizing we're made for and meant for so much more than we set ourselves up for. What parts of yourself have you been hiding? What parts of yourself have you been limiting in quarter one? What parts of yourself have you been restricting? And what parts of others have you been limiting as well? The degree to which we can't accept our own paradoxical nature, it becomes harder to accept others. That's just the reality that we face. It's just what we're going through. It's just the challenge we experience. Now, finally, I want to focus on a bit of strategy. I want to ask you three questions. What do you need to add to your life in quarter two to get it in the right direction? What's the one thing you can shift? Is it your sleep routine? Is your workout routine? Is it protein in your diet? Whatever it is, what is that one thing you need to shift and add to your life? Just one thing. Not a million things, just one thing. What's the one thing you need to add to improve your life? A lot of us try and do too many things at the same time. A lot of us go, well, I failed already. It's all over. I can't do all of that. I'm just going to do none of it. What's the one thing you need to add to quarter two to make 2024 a great year by the Same token. What's one thing you need to stop doing? What's one thing you need to let go of? Could be socializing on a Monday night. It could be, you know, saying yes or no to something a little bit more. What is it that is holding you back and that you need to let go of? One thing that you need to leave behind in this quarter. Just one thing. What is that one thing that you're going to leave behind? What's one thing you're going to add and what's one thing you're going to Minus. It's basic math. And then what's one thing that you're going to multiply? What's something that you've been doing that you're going to keep doing that you're going to do more of? What's one thing that's working for you that you know if you multiply it, it could transform everything. Now, I've asked you some tough questions today. I've asked you some difficult reflections today. I've asked you some challenging things today. And I did that because I really want to mold, to help mold your mindset. I realized so many blocks that we perceive outside of ourselves are really in our mind. There's a belief system shift required. There's a inherent pattern of thinking that we've developed that's holding us back, that needs to be shifted. And often I find that we're trying to solve these external problems, not realizing that so many of them simply exist in our minds. And I think for me, what's so fascinating is that I want to get to a point where we don't keep living in this world where we're trying to solve the problem outside of ourselves. I think it's really, really easy to constantly think like, oh, quarter one was wrong because that came up and that happened and this happened and that happened and that. And I'm saying that we don't have valid excuses or reasons. We all do. But what I'm saying is that those are rarely the things that help you shift or move. And what really helps us move and shift for a lot of us is high stakes. Are the stakes high enough? Right. When people hear that they're pre diabetic, they'll change their diet. When people hear that their partner maybe wants to break up, divorce or leave them, they may get more organized. Are the stakes high enough in your life? And stakes and stress are different, right? Stakes are something you set. Stress is something that comes of its own accord. Notice the difference between stakes and stress. I don't want you to stress yourself out. But I want you to raise the stakes. I want you to raise the stakes in your life. If you were meant to be going after 10 leads, go after 100. If you were meant to make, you know, one video a day because that's what you committed to, what are the stakes of why you can't miss that video? Who's expecting it? Who needs it? We need to raise our stakes, not raise our stress. Often we add more work to our plate and I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to add more worth to your work. Raising your stakes means you're adding worth to your work. Adding stress means you're just adding work to your work. Raise your stakes in quarter two. Reduce your stress in quarter two. Thank you so much for listening to on purpose. Make sure you leave a review. Pass this episode on to a friend who needs it. Listen to it with a friend. Thank you so much. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain.

If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over 100 murderers and their brains are very damaged.

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