It’s Not What You Lose, It’s the Confidence You Gain in Menopause

Real quick, before we dive into this episode, I have a little sleep secret I want to tell you about. Look, sleep is crucial for your fitness, but it's crucial for just plain old everyday life and function.

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What are you waiting for? Good night.

If you apply to be a guest on the Flipping 50 Show, there's a good chance you might make it. However, if you apply to talk about self-doubt in midlife and how it creeps in and overwhelms us, you'll get rejected because I'd rather talk about the confidence that you gain, wouldn't you? I'm Debra Atkinson. You're listening to Flipping 50. I started this podcast over a decade ago to answer questions about fitness in menopause and beyond before you knew to ask them. The goal to help accelerate your results with science and the practical application of proven protocols while living your best life. There's no more powerful health influencer in the world than a midlife woman, and it's not just about you but the 3 generations that you influence. My unique 40-year career, including being a university senior lecturer in kinesiology, an industry subject matter expert, and an international speaker, to founder of the first and the only exclusively made-for-menopause and beyond fitness membership in the world. Every week I interview experts behind the scenes and the science of optimal hormone balancing, fitness, and longevity, and share answers to our community's questions so you can have the vitality and the energy that you want, need, and deserve.

Confidence you gain in menopause could light a fire under you like never before in your life. I mean, what's not to love? You've raised kids who are good people. You like them. You survived stuff, you know, real drama, and you're done with mean girls who have time to leave comments on your social media platforms. And here's why and when this came up. If you apply to be a guest on the Flipping 50 Show here to talk about self-doubt in midlife, you'll get rejected. I'd rather talk about the confidence that we gain And here's all about that. I recently, very recently vetoed an application for a podcast to Flipping 50 based on going from self-doubt to, to confidence. And I was a little offended. The premise was that women in midlife go through menopause with hot flashes and night sweats and insomnia, weight gain, and they feel unsure and uncertain about themselves and their futures. And I couldn't disagree more. So I ask you, is that what you want to hear? Do you want to dwell on the way we're uncertain because we don't feel comfortable in our own skin? Or do you want to focus on the you who isn't willing to settle, who is adamant about, I'm going to find solutions. I don't know what they are, but I'm not willing to settle. I've watched that women get stronger. You're not going to get that here, by the way. If you want to hear more about self-doubt, I want to be very careful personally, and I want to be very careful because I think I have a personal responsibility. If we have a voice, if we have over 100,000 downloads every month and every episode, it's my responsibility to put something out that If you're putting earbuds in your ears and going for a walk, to me, that's like I'm whispering in your ear. It better be good. I think it better be good. It better uplift you. It better, maybe it shakes you up. Maybe it makes you think, ooh, this is a limiting belief I had and I don't think it's right. Not everybody thinks about it the same way as I do because I have the benefit of talking to so many people, I also get to see and hear so many more perspectives that I can bring back and share here with you. So I want you to know this, you know, after talking to another woman on the very same day that I got this email application, this proposal to be a guest on Flipping 50, I talked to another woman. And it was an extreme opposite conversation. Now you have to know a little bit about me. So if this is one of your first listens and you haven't heard a little bit of my background, yes, I'm a 40-year fitness professional. It's been a full-time gig. It's not been a part-time, I've done this for 40 years, but it's only 5 hours a week teaching, teaching exercise classes or training. It's literally what I've done, a master trainer for trainers a teacher at a university level in the department of kinesiology. There's been a multitude of things that have gotten me to this place, and yet I also love endurance training. So though I know it is somewhat the nemesis to a woman in midlife, it doesn't stop me from wishing and wanting to get back to it and do it again. And I spoke with a woman who humbled me, who made me feel like I, even having done 8 iron distance triathlons— let me clarify, trained for them, there's a story behind that. I've actually completed 6, started at 7. One of them knew it would be a mistake, so I didn't even start. I did the training all but the last 3 weeks when I knew this doesn't make sense and I'd probably be asking for an injury or depleted immune system at the very least and said, I gotta pull out. It's just a dumb thing to do. So I got a very expensive backpack one day, and it was really hard not to be involved with that. But you have a little now about who I am. But I met with a woman who does things so far greater on the adventure scale than that, that I was like Oh, okay, I've been humbled here. I'm like, I don't know that I could do that. And there was a question about, I don't know if I want to. My idea of camping might be the Marriott, so it might not work out for me to do some of the things that she proposed that we might do. But stay tuned on that. But the conversations were so very different. The proposal about talking on the Flipping 50 Show about the lack of confidence and the not feeling good and the way we're so bogged down in signs and symptoms and insomnia and hot flashes and night sweats and all of that. Conversation about that and how to get confidence back to me sounds like we're drowning and we're trying to come back up. The other conversation was completely different about what's possible and why wouldn't we think it was possible. So yeah, not easy, but when you put it out there, you put it on your calendar, you begin to train for it. You begin to think of yourself as somebody who does it. You have seen me on camera many, many times with a visor that says Ironman on it. That is not for you. It is for me so that when I look in the mirror, when I put it on, I think of myself that way. I have a bathing suit that really has lost most of the elastic, and I probably shouldn't wear it, but it says Ironman across the chest, and I can't bear to part with it. And I wore it yesterday. I probably should not wear it in public, but I wear it because It reminds me of who I am. I did that. I did that not once, but I did that several times. When you start doing things, whether it's lifting weights and you've never lifted weights, you think about yourself differently. You carry yourself differently. Your energy is differently. You plan differently. You guard your time differently. All of those things are so very important. And when we dwell on the Although yes, we do need to talk about the things like the insomnia, getting better sleep, though we need to talk about them, I think, in a way that just feels uplifting and look at what's possible. Not every woman has insomnia, so why would that be? And what can you do about yours if you do? We need to talk about it from a proactive, a positive slant, and that yes, if you have this right now, it's temporary. We're not going to own it. It's a sign, it's a symptom, but it's like when you have a cold or the flu and you have a fever, you don't own that. You're not the fever, you're not the menopause. It's just something you're going through and it's going to be over. And that is what I want to bring you here. But I want to also talk to you more about how you feel at the end of conversations here, because my wish for you is that you feel inspired, you feel like you can do something more, like you may have limiting beliefs because we all do. I do. On that phone call, that Zoom with the woman who is doing really very, very adventurous things that feel like a reach, it was exciting to begin thinking about possibilities like, why not me? Why wouldn't we partner to do something like this to prepare women like you to do those things with other women just like you that can, that want to, that we're done, you know, waiting for someday. Because, you know, I think there is a very powerful compulsion that comes over you in midlife, and it's like, this can't be it. Like, I'm not gonna settle for being tired because I have insomnia. That's not gonna be a life sentence. Is It's not the rest of my life. I don't want to settle for losing muscle, getting weaker, and then looking ahead at frailty. I don't want to go there. But after talking to that woman, I saw possibilities and I was feeling inspired. Now, I will— true confessions. So 5 years ago, I did my last iron distance triathlon. For those of you that don't know the kind of nuts that goes along with that, they give you 17 hours from start to completion to cross the finish line. It is a 2.4-mile swim. Generally it's in the ocean in the case that I'm in, or in a lake, open water, and followed by a 112-mile bike ride. Now for athletes, like real pros, that might take 3 to 4 hours or less than that, but on the short side of that anyway. For those of us that are not, you know, depending on the conditions, how things go, like heat, humidity are gonna slow you down, might take up to 6 hours. And then there is after And then after that, a marathon. Yeah, like some people train for only the marathon. Oh no, no, it's like you've done a marathon in the water, then a marathon on a bike, and then you're gonna do the marathon. And trust me, every time in these last few triathlons that I've done, I get off the bike and I am like, oh, I forgot about this. Like, why do I do this again? Because you really don't feel like running a marathon at that point. It's like, could we just stop Mexican restaurant on the way home. It's just not a great, great feeling. So you got to get your legs about you, you got to get your mindset about you and pull it all together to finish that. But honestly, that's the beauty of the whole event, and that is where the fun starts. Actually, it's not there for me. It's a couple hours later as it starts to get dark and it starts to get hard. The people out there that you meet and that you talk to you won't forget those conversations for the rest of your life. And yet to be determined, I suppose. But there are conversations I've had almost 20 years ago that I still remember very, very well. And people that I spoke with only in those minutes and have never seen again. But we were doing something and experiencing something and feelings that so few of the rest of the world does, that there is some kindred kind of spirit in "I know who they are" kind of at their core, because this is what they wanted to be doing at that moment. You know, nobody was obligated. We could have all stepped off the curb and onto the sidewalk and called an Uber, for crying out loud, but we didn't. We wanted to finish. There's something about finishing that business. So what I want for you is not to get involved in the crazy life of maybe triathlon or Ironman or any other distance or crazy adventure, but I want you to know what your own are. Like, what will you miss? What will you regret more than you might regret doing it and failing in attempt to do it? Those are the things that I want to share with you here. What can life look like that we've never seen it look like yet? As people have aged before very differently than we have to. So seeing possibilities is the real piece of this. And I'm somewhat offended when all around us, what you and I see and hear very often is maybe propaganda and it's marketing and it is You know, painting a picture of woe is me and how bad is it during menopause. And this is so awful. And here's what you should expect. Here's how you know you're in menopause, but it's not good. I mean, none of the things that they're going to tell you after a statement like that is good. So if you're not also being handed, and here's what to do about it, here's how to change it, that's the red flag for me. And I just heard too much of, you know, this is where people are and they're not confident at all. And I'm not seeing it. What I'm seeing and what I'm hearing from all of you, I'll share a little bit more of that. So we've got to stop this dwelling on the negatives, dwelling on the bad, because at midlife, and maybe when we're in our 40s, it's not quite as strong and powerful. You know, for me, that was a point where I was just a couple of years past a divorce. I was figuring it all out on my own, and it wasn't to the point where I felt like I have figured it out. I'm, I'm doing okay here. We're doing this. This is great. And I wasn't feeling that for many, many reasons. And the same is true for many of you. You'll go through maybe relationship changes, also location changes. Maybe by choice and maybe not by choice, and tragedies. We've seen them. I get that many of you are dealing with hot flashes or night sweats, and it's not easy as stopping the wine, stopping the sugar in other forms, or reducing your processed foods and your simple carbs and bumping your protein and the intensity of your workouts, or instead doing more walking. It may not be as easy as if— but by the way, Those things I just mentioned, they all do help reduce your hot flashes and night sweats, or the intensity and the frequency, or both. But I have watched women in midlife who might have been worried about what people think, or unsure of what they wanted, and they're reluctant to ask for it even if they did know, but be pretty damn sure of themselves. And learn that, oh no, I've got this. I've got to stand up for myself.

Hey, this is Debra Atkinson, and there is one thing you can't do in the gym at your age, and that's get all the protein that you need. You've got to do that in the kitchen. To make it easy for myself, not only to get the protein protein, but the fiber, the fruits and vegetables I want daily, I started drinking a smoothie a day 30 years ago. But when I realized all the junk, the sugar and the extras that you don't want, that I don't want hiding in most protein powders, that's when I finally caved in after years of saying I will never ever ever sell supplements. Stop skipping, skimping, and sabotaging yourself in the morning after workouts by always being prepared. Look, yep, I agree, real food first, but it's just not convenient to carry a turkey sandwich sometimes. The protein— and don't forget the fiber— they kill cravings and they boost satiety. And you've got to make it easy to do the right thing. You can use code PODCAST for 10% off your first order at flipping50.com today.

Actress Jodie Foster, and by the way, she acted and directed the movie Nyad. If you haven't seen it and you doubt what you can do at the age you're at or later, Watch it. It's worth the extra subscription cost to Netflix. That was my reluctance.

It's like, I don't have Netflix. What do I want to do?

But I couldn't get it anywhere else, but it's worth it to see it.

I may or may not have watched it 2 days in a row.

It's that good. It's that uplifting. And it's so emotional on so many levels, especially if you are a woman approaching 60, just beyond it. You will identify with this. The approach to, you know, I'm a study of one, first of all, and so are you. But here's how I felt flipping 60. I spent the 10 days following that birthday completely differently than I had the approach to 60. In the approach, I started thinking at 59, I started thinking, this is my last year of the 50s, and I want to, you know, be in better shape. And And then life got away and I didn't necessarily change the shape that I was in, but I did get smarter in terms of exercise and realize, you know, I'm due for a strength training workout. I can't just say I'm too busy today. I gotta do this strength. I mean, we're closer to the finish line than we are the starting line. You could have 50 years left, but that's still, for me, I'm 60, closer to the finish line than the starting line. So it's important that we don't skip those things if we want to age really well. You got to keep your appointments with yourself, keep your promises that this is what you do. I felt like I wanted to rush against time, get as fit as possible, or see more muscle, less fat on the smart scale, or do more pull-ups. And a lot of that didn't necessarily happen. And after my birthday, here's what I'm obsessed with. Yeah, I want to still be strong. I want to maintain a healthy body composition. For me, that's not getting as extremely low because my energy level isn't great when my body composition goes extremely low, and I am really maybe more compulsive. And it's been a long, long time, so I don't know this for a fact, but I know that I'm checking all the boxes and I'm doing all the habits that I'm willing to do but I'm not willing to sacrifice my energy level, additional time, not willing to sacrifice berries for dessert if I want them. I'm not going to eliminate that kind of healthful fruit if I'm doing it specifically at the right timing. And some people are. Totally up to you. But after my birthday, I became obsessed with things that I've put off and haven't done with, you know, thinking, well, no, I'll do that later. I'll do that someday. I'll do that after I reach a, you know, a certain maybe monetary goal. No, I registered for an Ironman. More on that later. And yes, it is still the nemesis of women flipping 50. And that means a woman over 40 particularly from 40 to 50, you know, and it could be a little before, that could be also a little bit after. I didn't hit menopause myself until 56. I know I've got clients who are still late 50s and feeling they're still, you know, not in menopause transition yet. And, you know, wherever it is that you're in perimenopause, it's— endurance exercise is not a girl's best friend. And there's much more oxidation going on. Oxidation causes aging, so it may accelerate aging. My place here with this was I will regret not doing it more than I will regret doing it. I love it. I love the training. I love the lifestyle. I love the feeling of stronger me, and it's an inner and outer strength. It's, it's what I hope, and it's what I hear from women who go through our Stronger program, and that's the first time maybe that they've been able to stay consistent with exercise for a very long time, if not for the first time in their lives. And that is my goal, is that you get started and you realize this isn't that much time and it is worth it. You begin to see the muscle tone and the definition, and You feel the difference. You're already sleeping better, but you feel different internally from the shoulders up, not just the shoulders down. That is so very important. So I registered for an Ironman not to regret not doing it. It's been 5 years since my last one, so doing the last one at 56, doing this one now, I'm just feeling like my window of opportunity will slip away mentally, that I will let go of that part of me, and I just want to do it. So we shall see how that plays out. And I can't go pick this backpack up because it's in Cozumel. So maybe it will stay there for someone else and I'll have to donate it if I decide this isn't the thing. It's not working out very well. I'm willing to do that. I booked nearly a month away in Colorado this summer.

Love Colorado.

That's where I was originally before I came here. Had to move because of mold. And pandemic hit. I'm still here. You know, things have changed, the real estate. So everything is just a little bit different. But realizing that I could have the best of both worlds and starting to look at that, what would it look like if I were here most of the year, there part-time of the year, like the most beautiful part. So I also got tickets for me will be an epic concert. Love to hear if this would be epic for you as well. I'll be going to James Taylor at Red Rocks Amphitheater. So two of my favorites. I chose clearly based on core values. This is the last one I'll share with you. I was torn between doing two things. I had said yes to one and was asked about it early before I actually had a different plan. And then coincidentally, somebody else told me about an event, invited me to this private event and said, here's when it is. And I said, what? Like, when? And it was the same weekend as this other plan. And so I had to look at it very carefully. Two equal things. I was already committed to one, so I felt very out of integrity to go back and say I can't do it and want to back out. But actually the bigger incongruency was I wanted to do it. I wanted to do both and I didn't want to have to choose. But what it came down to is, okay, I'm 60, I'm going to be 60, pull up your big girl panties and just be honest. So I reached out and I said, tell me about your plans. Is it too late to change? Here's what's come up. I really want to go to this. Because do you know, sometimes the universe, it's just coincidental that someone else also had something else come up, or it's not as convenient, but they were staying hitched to the plan because they've told you. So it's always worth asking. And it was too late to change flights and the hotels and all of this stuff. So I said, okay, no, no big deal, sticking with it. And I will just, you know, it's— if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. So I explained and I said, look, I'm thrilled with the education, made my choice though. I'm going to do this.

And they were very understanding.

And about a week later, they came back and said, great news. We realized that it was a little too close, a little too tight. And so we are pushing it back and we are doing it the first week of May instead. You can do both.

Boom.

Now here's my gut feeling on this. When you make up your mind, you decide for yourself which one of these things, 'cause I have to choose, gun to your head, you're gonna have to choose. And when you choose out of integrity, you choose the right thing for you, it somehow can work out. You may be able to get everything you wanted and more. So you're thinking, what's the best way to proceed here? Which would be my bigger regret? And you can potentially get what you wanted. So here's the deal. I would love for you to tell me about confidence that you've gained since midlife struck. What's different for you now? This is one where I'm really asking you to respond and have a conversation with me. I want to hear from you. I've I've heard from a few of you things like this. You've decided to keep working because you love it and you don't love the idea of retiring with your spouse and both of you being around the house together without purpose all day. You're not being disrespectful to your partner, but you're being more respectful to yourself and saying no, no thank you, in order to say yes to yourself, those helpful suggestions. You're realizing that subtle little comments from others can be harmful to your own ability to decide for yourself, and you're asking for what you need from them, meaning you're not just letting those comments be said and then lie there knowing that they kind of bother you. You're actually speaking up about it and not complaining, but saying, you know, here's what I really need from you in terms of support. And this is a big turning point. I've been a coach and I don't use this term, but it's a life coach since 2002 when I originally passed my certification with Coach U. I funnel all of that into wellness and health coaching. However, I work in business with our fitness trainers and teaching marketing and sales to them and how to grow their business. I work with women in midlife and menopause, and when we're dealing with health and fitness, we're also dealing with everything else because the everything else in our lives are sometimes the obstacles getting in the way of pursuing the health and the fitness. So there's a little bit of this, but what you really need to look at is women sometimes think that if, you know, their partner is not positively supportive, it's okay because they don't interfere. But here's what I've always stated during coaching sessions with people: it's not a lack of negative influence or negative support that's the problem. That actually can be as damaging as no positive support. So you've got to really ask for what you want. And at the bottom line, it's you and I that are in charge of that. It's not that we should expect them to know what we need. We have to be willing to ask for it. That's when you know you've really crossed a line. It's like, here's how I'd really like your support. Whether that is be perfectly fine with starting dinner for me so that I can get in a walk before dinner, or being okay with me not coming down and sitting at the television and watching movies with you after dinner because I'm going for a walk then, or I'm going to do yoga. Than because that's what I need in order to get a good night's sleep. It's specifically, it's not, you know, having them have to take you and drive you and go with you, but it's also not expecting them to be nice or encouraging. It's literally telling them, you know, here's something you say that really has a negative effect on me. So if you could, just leave those questions or comments or suggestions out. And this would be really helpful and supportive if you could do this, but you've got to tell them exactly what. When you get to that and you know what that is, now you've really gotten there. So there is that first not taking it, not listening to that helpful suggestion, but then there's not taking that and pointing out, and I don't know if you realize this because unintentionally you're doing this, I'm absolutely sure that you would never do this on purpose, but here's the way that sits for me and I'm already struggling with that. So if you could blah, blah, blah, right? Giving it very specifically is really so much more helpful both for you and for your partner. Menopause, midlife, you know, a notable birthday. Lots of times it's one with a zero or that ends in a 5. They'll do that for you. They will give you the confidence to say, what am I waiting for? And why am I tolerating? Why am I putting up with things? Some of you learned this, the confidence that you can gain through midlife or menopause. You learned this confidence earlier because of tragedy. There's wisdom in witnessing tragedy and having to step into courage that you didn't know you had because you had to. So use it, dear listener. Use it to your advantage. Don't hide it anymore. Stop saying, "I'm sorry," for doing your job, for instance. Men actually don't do that. Do you realize that? When you're saying sorry, because you're doing your job and yet it affects someone else, maybe on your team, in a ripple effect. That is not an insult. That is not you doing something to them. There is no reason for you to apologize. But many women do, in many cases, apologize simply for doing what they need to, to either take care of themselves or take care of business. Even then. So it's really time that we give ourselves permission. I'd love to hear from you. And when you see this episode posted on Facebook or Instagram, message me or share it directly in the post. Know that we don't check Messenger, by the way. So if you're posting a question and comment in Messenger, I don't see it. Our team of coaches actually are not asked or encouraged to monitor that either. So I will check DMs, I do that myself. But share what you're shrugging off and stepping into during midlife. And would you share how fitness may have been a part of it? Because I'll leave you with this. These are the thoughts of Flipping 50. When she lifts heavy things, she can more easily weather heavy things in life. She may ask your opinion, she's not asking permission. She does not fear getting old, she got her eye on getting bold. More than she wants to lose weight, she wants to lift weight. She doesn't look forward to retirement, she's interested in rewirement. She doesn't fear falls as much as she fears stalls. She can walk with power toward things, or she can walk away things from things that don't serve her. She doesn't feel invisible, she feels invincible. We believe at Flipping 50 there's no more powerful health influencer in the world than a midlife woman. You are responsible for 85% of all household decisions, and not just in your house but in 3 different generations of households. When a woman changes her story, she has the power to change history. Show notes today will be the place where you can go and get all the links to anything else resource-wise, where to follow us on social media, and/or go to the website flipping50.com/podcast to see all the episodes there.

Thank you for listening. To listen to a decade of episodes and to get the show notes, visit Flipping50.com where you'll be able to find all the previous episodes. And I made it super easy to make the most of your listening time and get exactly what you want to listen to as top priority. Priority by getting the top 10 episodes in the areas you most care about, like how much protein do you need, weight loss, and other 3 ultra important topics we've identified as our community's top 5. There's no more powerful health influencer in the world than you, midlife woman. So go and listen right now. So there you have it.

All right, today we dived into a little bit of tantrum. I just went off on a tangent, but here's what you got. You know, when I opened up, I talked about, you know, the positive slant and angle that we really want to portray when we're talking about women in midlife and menopause. Midlife is just the beginning. It's different. It's like somebody stuck their spoon in and they're stirring it all up. And it's— the purpose is to agitate things. But for most of us, that's what it takes. Otherwise, we just get really comfortable thinking about ourselves the way we've always thought about ourselves. So we also helped you, hopefully, with examples of my own changes in the mentality of what am I doing? What am I waiting for? I mean, whatever is it makes me think that I will have this health and energy just if I continue to say, oh, I don't have time to work out today, I have to, you know, do this and do that. We've got to put our own selves as a priority. The muscle, the bone density, the brain health, the getting away from it so we've got more creativity all starts now.. But I also gave you some examples of other women and how they're stepping into their own strength in little ways and in big ways. You know, if you've allowed other people to influence you and your choices and your decisions based on almost, you know, what will other people think, if that's people directly in your own home or it's friends, those imaginary characters based on our upbringing, our background, that deeply rooted sense of this is right or this is wrong and appropriate for a woman at this stage of the game. It's time to maybe stick your own beaters in it and agitate it again. I hope you found this useful, and I hope if you did, you will share with a friend.

Do you have a question for a podcast? A question you'd love to ask, or maybe a story you want to tell? Did you know we have a special group just for podcast question roundups and the answers? My community coaches and I provide answers daily inside of this group, but it's also where I go when I occasionally say, okay, open call for podcast questions or tell your story. Would you like to be a guest? So if you're looking for a community of women who are also interested in optimizing their health, strengthening their mindset, and looking forward to every new year, join the Flipping 50 Insiders group. That's Flipping 50 Insiders on Facebook.