Brian J Bill, NCC, LMHC & LCAC - IU Health

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Everybody has. They need attention, they need affection, they need affirmation and they need acceptance.

Ooh. Yet attitude means, how can I proactively change the way I think? How can I proactively increase my life? How can I proactively create better relationships and better work situations for me to enjoy it and welcome to the Gap, the Get Attitude Podcast. The Gap. Bridging the gap from who you are to who you want to become and from where you are to where you want to be. Hello, my name is Glenn Bill, founder of the University of Attitude, author of the number one international best selling book, the ABCs of Attitude. And I've been fortunate enough to help tens of thousands of people get attitude. And this podcast, well, this podcast is going to help you get yours. We know that, that when it comes to life and business, attitude is the main ingredient for success. So if you're ready, let's get some. I want to welcome everybody to Attitude booster number six, Control your emotions. And baby, don't we all need that. Please remember to subscribe, to rate and to review us on your favorite podcast platform. We are so grateful for all of you followers, all the comments, all the emails, all the text messages and all the reviews. It's been humbling and I could not do this without people that follow me, that don't share me. And so the bottom line is the world is getting better one attitude at a time. Not only because of me, but because of every single person that does that. And today, let me tell you something. We got a hell of a guest. We have a guest that probably looks a lot like me because why? He's my brother. We have my brother, Brian J. Bill, LMHC and lcac, which means licensed mental health counselor. Mental health counselor. And licensed clinical addiction counselor. Clinical addiction counselor. So any of you guys have mental health issues? Any of you guys related to people with mental health issues? Any of you guys have addiction problems? Or. Or if you're related to people with addiction problems, I think you're really going to enjoy this podcast. Brian. Welcome to the Get Attitude Podcast, doctor.

It's an honor to be here. Thank you, Glenn.

Very good. So Brian, you're a licensed mental health and addictions counselor in Indiana. You've been professionally addressing mental health problems with youth and adults since 1990. You've worked in a variety of settings, including outpatient and intensive outpatient programs, partial hospitalizations, acute care, and residential treatment. So you've been running into some people that need some attitude.

Correct.

Or that have some attitude.

A lot of attitude.

A lot of maybe negative attitude or addiction attitude. Right.

And to me, all attitude is good. We just, we try to make attitude a healthy attitude.

Right. And so when. Let's start with mental health, let's just go to. Let's go to. Well, first of all, let me ask you this. What does attitude mean to you? If you had to define it, when you think of attitude, right. What does attitude mean to you or how would you define it?

To me, attitude is really. It's getting in. It's having an understanding that we can have really healthy attitudes and unhealthy attitudes. And where do we, where are we in life with that and having that awareness of where we're at or where we're going to.

So you see, on the, on the mental health spectrum, obviously there are healthy people and unhealthy people. We say attitude is the way you dedicate yourself to the way you think. And we know that attitude also has to do with your feeling and. Or your emotions. We know that the way you think affects the way you feel. I'm always like, well, how you know you're thinking like that? How does that make you feel? Or if I talk to people and I'm like, you know, why you feel like shit is because you think like shit, right? So when we talk about mental health and attitude and we talk about healthy or unhealthy, what, number one, how could our listeners. Our listeners are called gappers. How can they self assess? Maybe if they got a mental condition or if somebody they know or love has a mental condition, what's a way to spot that?

Sure. And I think what can be really helpful is, you know, we all have some mental health need we need or need to take care of. And if I could kind of take a step back, if we could help the gappers really understand there's a difference between feeling, emotion, and mood. And so when we look at those three elements, feeling, we're talking about duration, feeling comes real fast. It's like the tide comes in and goes back out. Your emotion lasts, you know, a little bit longer, a day maybe or two. People say, oh, oh, man, it's been an emotional day. And what does that mean? What does that look like when you get into mood? You're talking about a longer three or four day period. God, it's been a mood this week. So we look at those three elements, we look at where that is. We look with emotion, mood and feelings, positive and negative. And then we look at intensity too. So we're looking at a spectrum there.

Right. And so the people you're working with are obviously on a high spectrum.

It all depends. It can be some people I've worked with, I've worked with couples and the number one complaint from women are my husband doesn't get me, he doesn't connect with me emotionally.

Right.

And so that's the biggest complaint and it's not a complaint. So it's really just how do we turn that volume up for the males in our society or for the men or for people that don't really, they're not in tune with those emotions and those feelings. Right.

And so when we talk about controlling your emotions. Right. And so I think this is awesome. He doesn't connect with me. Right. That's the number one thing we hear.

Usually the number. Yes. Okay. Yes.

And so how do we control. And that probably makes them pretty emotional. And my guess is there's a lot of damage and harm. And we'll get to the men and why they suck next. But for the women who feel like their husbands don't connect or communicate enough, can they create because they don't control their emotions, does that cause problems? And do. I'm sure it's not real positive when you tell them, well, you know what, obsessing about this and not controlling your emotions around this probably doesn't help. Let's answer. Let's take the women there first. Like, do they get too emotional about it? What do you tell them? What do you, what do you like? Well, here's what you need to maybe consider. So let's say I'm a gal that's pissed off because my husband doesn't communicate and doesn't connect. Jason, you probably never had this problem, right? Never once. Uh huh. And so Brian, what would you tell these gals when it comes to controlling your emotions about their feelings are real, but does it run away and does that cause more problem? Right.

It's not a, the woman's too emotional and the male's not emotional. It's not the male's too emotional and the woman's not emotional. It's that, you know, people are more, sometimes people are a little bit more cognitive so they think More first, right? And other people are a little bit more emotional. And so that emotion comes in. So what we teach people to do is. And you hit on this earlier. You know, your thoughts impact your feelings, your emotion. And how do I get in touch with that? Hey, what's the thought? But what's the situation? And trigger that triggered that automatic thought which creates the feeling. And so when you get into that work now, you start really getting in some change, because people will come in if I give you a situation or trigger. Somebody just cut in front of me. This is one. When I do anger management with men, right? You're not going to disrespect me, you son of a. You know, whatever.

Yeah, you can cuss. It's okay.

Right? And so we have to walk that back, because that's an emotion and a feeling that came in for a guy, right? And it's like, nobody can disrespect you. And so when you tell people that, they just look at you with, like, you know, stars, and they don't get it.

Right?

But it's the, you know, it's that thought that comes first. Oh, I'm thinking I'm being disrespected.

Right?

So.

So do you really believe that people cannot disrespect you?

Correct. I totally believe it. If a guy walked into my face, right.

There you go.

And just lubed on me, like, in a group. It's like, I'm not doing your effing class.

Right?

And I know he was coming from a place of intense shame, right? He is being disrespectful because that's his. It's his attitude he's throwing at me, right? So.

And that's helpful.

And so it's like, why should I get caught up in that disrespect? I can't disrespect myself now. If I got up and threw a chair at him, now I'm becoming disrespectful. I'm not really honoring myself with what kind of behavior is that? As a licensed therapist?

Right, Right. So that's. I mean, that's really. I was gonna say, yeah, if a person walks up and pees on your leg, right? Like, but then you would say, no, that's not disrespectful. He's coming from a place of disrespect for himself.

Right?

And that's why you're enlightened, and that's why you have these letters after your name, because 90% of us morons go, no, that's bullshit. That Guy's disrespecting me.

Right?

What a great. What a great lesson to learn. We become very, very emotional, and maybe it's, you know, you gappers. And I think what I'm hearing is that especially people who feel disrespected, that that's more of an emotional reaction. It's not controlling your emotions.

Correct.

Possibly. And that we need to learn. I mean, could you imagine what life would be like, gappers, if you never felt like anybody could disrespect you? Like, if you walked out of this podcast and that's the one thing you learned? That I will never feel disrespected again. My guess is that's probably very healthy for a person's mental state.

It's extremely healthy. And if you were to look at, you know, since we're talking about controlling your emotions, we look at what are your emotional needs? Well, I call these the four A's, Right. You know, everybody has. They need attention, they need affection, they need affirmation, and they need acceptance.

Ooh, that shit's good. Jason, you like that?

When you don't get those four A's met, you get people that act out, they get it in some way, hence getting spit at, getting kicked at, those type of things. They're trying to get that met at a deeper level.

Right.

But so lot of our society, we're just detached. People are thinkers or they're feelers, and they can't line the two up.

Right. So let's go through those four. The first one is acceptance.

The first one's attention.

Attention. So obviously, people that do not control their emotions and fly off the handle, which is what we just talked about, they're doing that because they're trying to meet their emotional need of attention.

That could be it.

Well, go out, tell me what else you're thinking.

Well, you know, also, you know, bringing another. Your early life experiences, bring this in. So if you had somebody that modeled anger and rage and they got attention that way, then they're just going to repeat the same pattern.

Right?

So people will commonly say is, I need to do something with this anger. I got to do something with it. And my first response is, I don't want to do anything with your anger. I don't want to take that away from you.

Right.

But I do want to, like, get that in a healthy space. So it's like, when people rage out, that's when they blackout. That's when a lot of harm is being done. Use your anger to cue you in so you don't Go up to another level. Don't cause harm to yourself or other people. Don't get into that rage. Once my anger. Guys, I've had a couple angry women. Once they get like, oh, you're not taking my anger away. No, let's just think about this differently. So it's like people will say they can't control it, but with self regulation, understanding what this anger is from 1 to 10, or it can be any feeling, for that matter, or emotion.

Right.

Then it's kind of like a paradox. You do feel a sense of control.

Yeah. So we went in from appreciation. Is that number one.

The first one was attention.

Attention. So we went from attention, and then we. We walked into anger. So what's number two again? The second A. Unless you got something else you want to give us about attention.

And then, you know, you just, you know, how do people get attention? People get that in healthy ways or unhealthy ways. And you keep hearing me refer back to that.

Well, that's your mental health counselor.

So I do that, and I do that on purpose because I don't. We don't shame people. We don't get in the right or wrong. Now, I know in the business world, it's a lot different, too, but we try to make it a safe place so people can really pour their heart out and get a sense of this.

And this is not a business podcast. This is a personal development podcast.

Perfect. So we're perfect.

So you're. That's why we have you.

Okay. Okay.

I mean, you know, we know that the more personal development that people get, the more successful they're going to be not only in life but in business. So that's, you know, we're coming from a place of safety. We want everybody to feel safe here.

Yeah. So the first one was attention. The second a is affection.

Right.

How do we get affection?

Right.

And it's getting, you know, we're not. We can talk hugs, pat on the backs, high fives. Just that. That affection that people display.

Booze, alcohol, lines of coke and marijuana. A lot of people get affection that way. Right.

You can get it that way, but then it leads into addiction where you're really not getting your emotional need met. You're getting into really the shame of yourself, and you're really avoiding that. You're numbing your emotional self.

Right, Right.

I mean, everything it's about, you know, a little bit's okay. A lot is. Whenever in trouble, people lose themselves.

Right.

So.

So a little bit of cocaine's okay.

Probably not a good Idea.

Okay, Just check it. All right.

So affection. The third one is affirmation.

Well, hold on. Let's stay with affection. Right. So you work with a lot of couples, which is great.

Yes.

And I'm guessing a lot of guys are saying, she's not giving me the affection I want. My guess is a lot of women are saying, I don't get the affection I want. And my guess is they're talking about two completely different things. So why don't we go ahead and jump on that deal?

Precisely.

So let's work through that one. How do you. How do you. You know, I'm not giving him infection until he gives me affection. Right. I'm not going to give her infection. I'm not gonna do it. So how do you tell our gappers how you work through that issue with people?

So with couples you work with, you know, having the man identify what's affection for you, you know, and is this. How is this done in a way that's respectful, where there's consent, equality, and respect?

Ooh, I like that.

Those three areas we look at, you know, is this, is affection just more than sex? Let's just be real. Some people will say yes, some people say no. It all depends, right? So how do you get that those affectional needs met as a woman, as a guy, then how do you each, you know, water that in the relationship?

Right.

You know, I always say each couple, you got to fill each other's love tank. It just can't be. You can't give yourself away. Right. And please the other person all the time. Then you're going to be empty. Your forays won't be met. And you're going to usually develop an anxiety disorder or depression. And then we're going to work on that. Not all the time, but so we look at that. What's affectionate mean for different people? And being able to say that and put that on the table.

Yeah. The first thing that comes to my mind is like, well, no, bullshit. I want them to go ahead and empty their tank on my ass. Right. And that's what people think. But it's not healthy.

Correct.

Right. And that. And that creates some emotional uncontrol, Right. When your tank is empty because you've been watering the whole time, you are probably not going to stay into emotional control.

Right. Then you're going to get emotionally distant, right. You're going to disconnect or, you know, you're going to. You're just going to. You're going to turn away. And so that's Going to make the relationship go sour. So since we're speaking guys or couples.

Yes.

Learn what your partner's affectional needs are.

There we go.

You know?

Right.

Maybe your. Your wife wants a foot rub. That's what she wants. Okay, well, maybe you want to get in this sack. Okay.

Right.

50. 50. Yeah.

My wife likes me to work my ass off around the house, so her.

Love language is work, work, rake the.

Leaves, clean the house. I mean, we all got it, right? Ah. And it's usually what's funny is, did.

You marry my wife? Yeah.

No. Right, Exactly. And so what's funny is a lot of times your need for affection is probably oftentimes like the thing that you hate to do most. And is that maybe where it really comes from? You know what I feel affection. As long as you're doing the shit that you totally hate doing. Because then I know you love me.

You're. You're spot on because. Right. It's all hardwired. Right. Early age. Oh, here's how we give affection. Or here's. Here's how we don't give affection. These are the rules. Your core beliefs are set 85% by age three.

Right.

So the work comes in, oh, I gotta reboot this. And it's not a character assassination on our parents. Sure. It's a learning and growth and development and a self help deal. Yeah.

And we always say, you know, our attitude coaches, unfortunately for us, are our parents or grandparents or guardians, whoever it is. And yeah, no attitude checklist. No attitude. How to raise a kid with a good attitude. Your attitude coaches are who they are. And that's why we have the Get Attitude podcast. We know that people are hardwired. We know that people crave love in different ways. And we know that people, in order to receive love, have to behave in certain ways. And that's the hard wiring that goes into it. And the Get Attitude podcast is here to help you identify how you're hardwired. And we Talked about psychology 101. Whose love did you crave more? Your mother's or your fathers? And who did you have to be in order to get that love? Right. That's like about as basic as it gets. And so that's one simple question to ask, how to identify that? Do you have another question that you might ask that people could ask themselves to say, okay, why am I hardwired this way? Is there anything else?

I just want to say, people don't ask that question. They don't look, they go through life blinders. These are Called intergenerational family beliefs. They've gone on for hundreds or long period of time until you wake up. And I say you got to break the trance. What kind of trance am I going to. You know, with new trance and the, you know, the gap.

Right. There we go, baby.

Let's break the trance. Let's reboot this computer, which is our belief system, and get in a healthy direction.

Right.

Can we move to the third one or not? Or do you want to keep staying there?

Jason, are you liking this? I love it. I love it now. But you are probably so damn good and mentally healthy that you don't even need this. Do you know all this, or was. Is this hitting home with you at all? I'm learning a lot. Renee will appreciate it. Don't let her see this.

Never.

All right, number three, what's our third? A.

Our third one is affirmation. And this is one of my. My favorite ones, because a long time ago, Glenn, you turned me on to a guy by the name of Zig Ziglar. Yes. And I just. I never heard about giving yourself positive messages before. I went to graduate school, and, boy, I jumped on full board with this guy. And, you know, I learned that by the time a person's 18, they've heard over 750,000. 50. 750,000 times no. Or you can't do that.

Right.

That's a lot of negative crap.

And so that's a good number.

So really rebooting that and saying, no, wait, I get positive affirmations. Where do I get that? Where do I get from people to fill me up? However, it is good to say, wait a minute. Give me some other feedback, too, that can be corrective, maybe not be too affirming, but let me learn from this thing as well, too. So affirmation is a great, great thing. And when you get into that, you get into the self talk, how do you really talk to yourself on a conscious level? But the change comes when you do this in a ritualistic way, in a subconscious way, then you're really changing that belief.

So you're kind of coming from the self affirmation part of it. What about people that only seek affirmation from others? Right. That if they don't get the affirmation from others, that drives them totally insane, and they are not in control of their emotions because they're not getting the affirmation they need? I mean, talk to us about the disorders that are around not getting the affirmation you want from. From others or if you shouldn't ever look for affirmation from others. Right.

So when you don't get that or people that are constantly seeking that, we call that codependency usually. Okay, so I need somebody else to fill me up. I need somebody else to tell me that I'm okay. And there's a degree of that where we want, but it needs to really come from within. Right. So you know, if we, if we really love ourselves, not that we're narcissists, we love ourselves and so we do in such a way that we can respect ourselves and what other people say that we can, that can come and go. Our belief system and our sense of self doesn't hang on what other people say.

And so on the flip side of that, certainly some of our gappers live with people or related to people or might be this person that has nothing good to say to their partner, their friends or anything. They constantly point out the negative. They are the antithesis of affirmation. And that obviously happens in self talk too, which is probably leads to suicide. Right. All I'm focusing on is what I can't be, what I can't do and I can't have. I'm depressed, I'm going to kill myself. But, but why do people, and I think I know, but number one, how do you deal with people that are very negative, that are never affirming of you as a person and all they're really doing is criticizing, jabbing, mean spirited comments. Certainly some of our gappers are experiencing this in their relationships. How do you help them through that?

Sure. Well, a person has to want that help first. Right. They have to want to change that. But it's been my experience of 30 years in this work that people are that negative and filled with anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. So if you were to pull back the anger, you're going to get to the core pain of a person. Somebody that angry is in deep, deep emotional core pain.

Right.

And for anybody to really share that deep emotional core pain, they you need to have this, you need to have truth. Telling and truth comes with two things, physical safety and psychological safety. So maybe they've never felt physically safe, maybe they've never felt psychologically safe. And so nope, let me keep everybody away. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be trust f the world. I'm going over here.

Right.

And people have a choice to do that. Yeah. If you want to do that, that's fine. But then what's the consequences? It's pretty lonely and miserable and I have 93 cats that I'm living with instead of anybody.

There you go.

But it's a choice, you know, it's a choice if, you know, after a period of time. Yes. Yeah.

That's like the hoarders. That's where the hoarders probably get it from. Right.

I don't know how angry they are.

Right.

What do you think?

Why do you think people hoard?

I'm not an expertise I don't have an expert on. I haven't watched too much of that, so.

All right, so what's our fourth and.

The last A is acceptance.

Oh, baby. All right, so talk to us about acceptance. These are our four emotional needs. This is why everybody does, why they do things. This is why you say what you say, you read what you read, why you do what you do. Because you're getting one of these four period, Right? Correct.

It's all the time and it's happening very quick, right. Through non verbal, verbal communication. So acceptance is all about, you know, who accepts me. Do I accept myself first?

Right.

If I accept myself first, then who else, you know, where do I get that acceptance from? And, you know, is it healthy acceptance or is unhealthy acceptance too? Right. So we get on. Some people are living these emotional needs, but they're just leaving it. That's why I mentioned the unhealthy way, because they haven't found that. That way to get healthy and find that thing called inner peace. Right.

And so how do you, how do you get inner peace? How do you dial people in? We may. There's. There's somebody, you know, I say it every, every podcast, walking on the beach, sitting in the car that's going, I can't find inner peace. I can't find the acceptance. I don't, I don't feel good about myself. I just went through a financial reversal. I just went through a personal reversal. And you know what? I don't accept myself. And I. And. And I can't find inner peace. And I don't think I'm ever going to find inner peace. And then, oh, my God, it gets worse. And now I'm out of control because I can't control my emotions because I can't accept myself. Right, right.

So what you just said is just. There's a lot of gold nuggets on what you just said. Because I think a lot of times people will come and they feel that lost, they feel that distraught. I've worked with suicidal people that have tried to commit suicide, attempted, and they get to that point and hopefully nobody's there at that point. But I say thank you for acknowledging the pain in your life.

Right.

Thank you for losing $1 million or you're divorced. And you. And you've been in jail. Whatever it is, acknowledge it, because once you're lost and you really admit it now, you can get on track.

Cool.

You know, how many times have we all been driving? I'll find my way and we've been doing this for hours, and it's maddening. I do a lot of hiking. I know where the trail is. Two hours later. Wait, we need a compass. We got to admit we're lost, right? Okay. And that gets into AA and NA and all the recovery 12 steps is, boy, I got to give up the control and the loss. So then now I can be found. And then you get that back in a paradoxical way.

Excellent segue, bro. All right, so we. So we got in. I think we did a good job covering some mental health fundamentals on emotional needs. And so as we look at this. LCAC license counseling, Addiction counseling, Licensed clinical addiction counselor.

State Indiana. I know they're just initials as I've moved on in my career.

Pretty big, man.

I just have people call me Brian now.

So the licensed clinical addiction. So, I mean, we got. I think we got a good 5, 10 minutes. Let's talk about, you know, this thing called addiction. Let's talk about the emotional makeup of addicts. Let's talk about. I'm guessing most addicts don't have a lot of emotional control, right? So why don't you give me your. Your blanket statement on the emotional makeup of an addict and if they do have control or not.

Okay. And if maybe a quick two to three minute or five minutes, I think.

You said it's all good, we're fine.

So addiction.

We actually got 30 minutes.

Okay.

If it's. It's good.

Addiction, you know, is a disease, right? And addiction starts off for. If some of your listeners haven't heard this, it starts off with increasing tolerance and dependence. I needed maybe one joint, and I used to smoke on the weekend. Now I'm smoking over a period of time. Now I'm smoking a half bag or I needed one beer or two beers. And now over a period of time, I need a case. What addiction does to the emotional self is it numbs it. It slowly turns it off over a period of time. That's. That's the way I look at it, right? And so people do that for a variety of reasons. Learn behavior, pain, pleasure. This is what society does I was 18 and went to college at IU, and I never grew out of it. Now I'm in my 60s. You just. Whatever it is, there's. There's just a million roadmaps into addiction, but it's usually. It's a kind of a systematic desensitization process where I need a little bit more and more. And then what my good friend Mike Denton says, then it owns your ass. And it's. You're. You're. It's a bitch, right? I mean, when you're. When you deliver those hardcore lines, that usually snaps somebody else, because who wants to be somebody's bitch? Nobody. But the disease of addiction is controlling. It's that. It's that horrible when. You know, I've worked with people recovering from heroin addiction, meth addiction, and they'll be like, yep, you know, they call heroin the devil. It's no joke, and it will kill you. And I'll ask in group, how many people have overdosed and died in here? And, you know, half their hands will go up. And, yes, that much death and destruction is going on in our society.

Right.

But it's. It's the.

But they haven't died because they're there.

Correct. But they've died mentally. No. They've had Narcan or they've been taken to the emergency room. And the first thing that goes into their mind is once they wake up is, where's my drug dealer? Shit, man, you just messed up my buzz. You messed up my high by waking up. By waking up. Because. Right? Heroin's a nod. Let's go into a nod, right? But they don't. You know, people in recovery, they don't get that right away. It takes maybe three or six months for the saying, damn, I was. That. I was that unhealthy, right? I mean, I wanted to go. The first thing I wanted to go do, and I'm like, now you're being real. Now you're being honest. Now you can start dealing with this thing.

Sure.

Yeah.

So don't people do the drugs or become addicts because they're meeting these four needs? And if it. And is it true that if you're. If. If. If you're hitting three out of these four emotional needs, that's what causes addiction? Because you're like, damn, this is completely filling all of my needs, right?

That's the trap. It's. It's a. It's, you know, for people that have been through a lot of trauma or early, horrible life experience, it's like, you do this addiction and bam. It just makes you feel whole again. Sorry.

That's right.

And, you know, it just fills them up, but then over a period of time, it's not fulfilling. Right. It's the. It's just the opposite. So it's not just emotional needs. There's a lot of other things that go into addiction. If that were the case, boy, we'd be millionaires right now. But it's a huge factor.

Right. What is the worst you've ever seen? Right. And then what's the biggest redemption story? So, like, what I'm looking for is. Holy crap. I'll never forget this one dude we worked with, and it was this bad. And maybe he wasn't redeemed. Maybe he's dead now. But then I'd also like to know, this guy was jacked out or this guy was messed up. And you know what? She beat it. So let's just. If we can hit one or both of those.

And the first one was your.

What was this? Where you're like, this is completely freaking. This is disturbing.

Okay.

This cat is messed up.

Yep. And. And so when I'm working with people, I look at how this disease has the person. Right. So I'm not, like. I'm not shaming them, saying they're messed up. You know what I'm saying?

Of course I am, because I'm the podcast host. Right, Right.

But I know we take a different. You know.

Yeah, yeah, you got different words.

So. So. So I want to be respectful of what they're trying to do in recovery. But, yeah, I have. People have come into group and, you know, shooting up and being high. People have done. I've had guys and women that have stayed up, you know, 20 days on meth, and it's like, how about we walk you over to inpatient? And they're hallucinating and seeing things, and they're like, all right, run on, Mr. Brian. Thanks. Let's get you over there and then come back and then actually get into recovery and then. And then get really clean and get with a group and really do some beautiful work. So in a way, it's like, you see. You see the demons in people, and you see this thing working, but it's also. It's like the beauty in that is like, man, this is an opportunity for them to get well, too. Yeah. Well, that's cool. So, yeah. And there has been people that I've worked with that I found out later they died as well, too.

Yeah.

So. And that's. That's the reality and the nature of our work, and you just have to keep getting up and doing the best you can.

And is group therapy as effective as one on one, or is it depend on the person?

Group therapy is the preferred modality for treating individuals recovering from addiction. Just because you break that shame and you get to go in there is very common. You'll have people that have used together early in life, and now they're all in recovery, in life as well, too. Right. And it's a beautiful thing.

So have you ever sat as you were treating people and said, hey, look, you got to do a better job of controlling your emotions? Has that ever come out of your mouth in treatment?

No, because the words we use, why we use something different, right? Like they'll say they are out of control. And we call that. Let's learn emotional self regulation. What are the two emotions?

I'm gonna have to change the card, Jason.

We could change number six, regulate your emotions. There it is. And that's from neuroscience. And that's backed. And I know this information's coming along before you even set those too, right? So we look at how do you regulate. And the two emotions that people cannot stand. I'll go ahead and tell you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People just cannot tolerate fear and rejection, right? It just takes people to just that. That place, right?

And so you say to them, hey, look it, man. You got to regulate your emotion. Right? That's proper.

Yeah.

So how do. And they look at you and they go, okay, Doc, Bill, how the hell am I supposed to do that? Don't tell me about it. What. What am I supposed to do? What do you mean, regulate it?

Right. Well, language is everything in my work, right? So we employ a technique called motivational interviewing, right? So I'll say to them, tell me a time when you felt rejected or afraid and you didn't cause any harm to yourself or anybody else. And they'll be like, well, I did that. Right?

Gappers, first of all, gaffers, right? Tell me a time when you. Go ahead.

Yeah. When you experience.

When you experienced these emotions, these emotions of anger or loss or fear, rejection.

And you didn't cause harm, or you didn't cause any harm, you didn't get dysregulated.

So, like, ask yourself that if you're listening to the gap, understand these guys, they charge like 500 bucks an hour, right? You're getting, like, stuff for nothing, just for subscribing, rating, and reviewing. So that's powerful.

Yeah, that's powerful. It is. And again, then.

So that's a Great technique.

Yeah, it's a great technique. But then you think of yourself as successful instead of being like, oh, because what's usually everybody in addiction, this is going to be the last time. So it's a lie you tell yourself, and you've done that for three, five, ten years, you're living that lie and you're just crushing yourself and that self esteem. So this is a way to start building upon that success one day at a time.

Right. And so regulating your emotions, number one is to ask yourself, when have you experienced these without doing harm to yourself or others? Then what's another thing they experience can do to regulate? Yeah.

You can also scale your emotions. Okay. So on a level of 1 to 10. So say you're going to a party and there's your husband's ex girlfriend. Oh, yeah, baby, you know, oh, boom. That F and B is over there and you can just see it. It's going to be a 10.

Right.

What can you do to make that a 5 tonight? Right. What can you do to make that love that a three or two or what? What does that look.

That's really good.

What does that feel like? So when you look at it and then also asking yourself, where do I experience this emotion in my body? You know, where is that? I'm happy. Where is that? You know, I'm happy because we went. Let's just say we went to dinner, right, Man. Okay, now take dinner out. Where's happiness in your body? So then you're really sinking that into your. To your brain.

Yeah, that's cool. And so to scale it so it's, you know, when you think about not getting a paycheck and you're going broke, that's probably a 10. And then you say, now how can we make that look like a five?

Exactly.

And then people come up with answers for that.

Yes. Because. And what they're doing is they're putting a cognitive thought to it instead of the feeling.

Because thoughts are things.

Right. And thoughts right. And then the feeling.

Right, Right. Yeah.

And so there's the work that gets done. Boom. Right there.

Yeah. But we don't. You know, I know that I wish we had more time because I'm sure people want to do the work. And if you do want to do the work and if you, if you believe that Brian is somebody that could help you bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be and from who you are to who you want to become. I don't know if you're available to help people because I know you're employed by IU Health and IU Health, you don't have a side gig.

Well, I do. I work for Collaboration for Kids. But it's. I usually just do some small practice with adults. Yeah.

Okay.

So it's very small. Right. But I would suggest do your work first. Do this. Do your. Do the attitude book. Do the workbook. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how could people, if they want, if they are listening to this and they wanted to reach you, what could they do? Could they email you?

They can email me. Brianjbill360mail.com I'm more than happy to help.

Brianjbill360mail.Com yes. All right. Well, man, that was powerful. That was good. I hope that we have given you some real tools, some real questions, how you can control the emotions that are maybe raging inside of you. But we don't want you to control them. We want you to regulate them. Now we've moved to a higher level. Gappers, you know, regulating your emotions is, again, one of what most people say is the most important attitude booster that they see on the card. And I hope that our time with Brian today, talking about your emotional needs of attention, affection, affirmations, and acceptance are something that hit home with you. It's something that will make you feel better about you, but more importantly, you know, not just will it affect you, but will affect everybody that you are around. And, man, that was really, really powerful. So what we're going to do right now, we are now into phase two, which is called knowledge through the Decades. This is just a little game we play to have fun.

Okay.

We're going to walk you through your life. You are 54 years old, correct? Correct. And so we're going to take you from childbirth through 50, and we're just going to ask you the attitude lessons that you learned as you grew up through life. Right. And so I know a lot of people don't consider themselves as remembering their childbirth, but what do you believe the attitude lesson is of a newborn baby or if you remember your birth or the birth of your grandchildren or whatever, what's the real attitude lesson you can take from an infant?

Yeah, well, my birth was traumatic. I was premature and I was put in an incubator. But it was, for me, it was like, keep living. Because that's what I heard, Mom. Just keep living.

Right.

And it's comical because when we grew up, every birthday you had, you had to hear your birth story.

Right.

So that shaped me. And they didn't tell me the part like, oh, by the way, we're going to Vegas. Stay here. Because the doctor had ordered that.

Right? The doctor, Jason. I mean, this is how cool this is. The six medicine was in the 60s, premature in an incubator, and the doctor said, go to Vegas. You freaking kidding me?

And my wife's a social worker, and she just falls on the floor. She's like, I can't believe that.

Oh, my God, that's so awesome. I forgot that.

Yeah. But I. And I what my takeaway is, boy, I just. I just learned. And so that's part of my, you know, what fighters hardwire. Yeah. And I know you're your grandson. Congratulations. Was recently born. And what a fighter. Right away, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

And he's naturally healthy.

Nothing happened. Phenomenal. So that's what it. Thanks to me. Keep on going. We're here for a purpose.

Keep living, guys. If you're a gapper, man, that's, I think, possibly the best infant lesson we've had is, God dang it, keep living. Don't give up on yourself, no matter how bad it is. Think of my brother in an incubator with his parents going to Vegas. And he was like, weren't you, like, two pounds?

I was two or three pounds, and I had stitches all over me. They didn't even take baby pictures of me. We had a contest at work this last week. Hey, send your baby picture. And I'm like, don't have any. And it was all, you know, did.

You have surgery when you were out of the womb right away?

They had some kind of growth on me that they cut up. And our older brother's like, you look like Frankenstein.

I love it. All right, so now we're going to take you from that unbelievable infant attitude lesson to being 10 years old. I think 10 years old puts you right around third grade.

Third grade. And, boy, what comes to my mind right away is my dear friend Ed Schilling, who's a basketball coach. And just a call out to him. I know his father passed away last night, but Ed and I used to play on the playground, and he was a great athlete, man. He schooled me left and right. And I actually said, hey, come to my house and you can beat my brothers in basketball.

Right.

Which he did. So that attitude was. I played football in the Salamanders, I think, right at that age. And for dad and was go out and compete, you know, at 10.

Right, right.

And just enjoy sports. We didn't have really too many video games at all. And if we had them, we Broke them. And then we're out playing basketball and we played sports. That's what you and I did and our friends.

And so that attitude lesson is the value of competition. The value of competition, how to embrace it. And even though somebody's better, number one, there's always somebody better than you. Always, no matter what it is. But number two, leverage that person that's better than you to gain pleasure by him beating the crap out of your older brothers. I think that's a hell of an attitude lesson. If there's people better than you, get them on your side and leverage them to do better things. So now you're 20, you're graduated from Broad Ripple High School, the famous high school of David Letterman. You're out of high school, out of.

High school, you're 20.

What is and or if you remembered your 21st birthday, I always like to ask that you remember your 21st birthday. What was your attitude at 20 to 21 and what's the attitude lesson?

Yes, my attitude was adventure. And as you know, I was in taekwondo when I was in my adolescence. I couldn't play, I couldn't, didn't make the basketball team. I was too short back then.

Well, they're pretty good and they were great.

And, and so I was a runner and I went into taekwondo. But so then I became very fascinated with the Orient, so I went to Korea and so I celebrated shout out to John Bryan. Yeah, I went to Korea and so I was in the army and I was a listed guy and so a shout out to my boys in the 5 16th Personnel Service Company. We had a good time.

I bet you did.

Yeah.

So adventure. Yeah, adventure at the right time, which is 20, not necessarily 50. But you know what, maybe adventure, you know, look it like me when I was 20, I had, you know, two kids and I owned a business. But if you're a person that hasn't experienced adventure, if you're a person that has been grinding since age 14 because you've had a hard life, maybe, maybe the attitude of adventure, maybe the right time is now maybe you're 50, 60 and it's time to take that in. So I'm obviously you're happy you did that, right?

Oh, extremely happy, yeah.

So you're out of the service and now you're 30.

30.

Do you remember your 30th birthday?

I do, I remember. I was, it's like, okay, I'd worked in human service field and you know, being a direct care staff, being a behavior analyst, all this really low paying work, job work And I'm like, I need to get my education completed. And I ended up coming back from the service and got my bachelor's degree in kinesiology. But it was time to really move on and get into a master's degree program. So that's when I took that plunge and said, hey, let's get serious and learn about mental health, and let's learn about addiction. Wow. And meeting my great wife and, you know, just getting. Getting serious about life.

Did you say beating your great wife? Beating.

That's what.

That's what I thought. Yeah.

Meeting. Meeting my great wife. Yeah. Maybe an edit on that.

Oh, that's like, damn. I don't remember him beating her up. So 30. So what emotion was that then? Yeah, anger.

So that's probably right before more graduate school. Getting in, going.

Yeah. So 30 was. I got to get my shit together. I got to maybe focus on my career. I got to get some expertise. And for our gaffers out there, you may be sitting there floundering, going, I don't have an expertise. And this might be the call to wake you up to say, yeah, you know what? I can do better. There's more in me. I'm fed up with who I am and where my results are now. And ultimately, seek and you will find. And ultimately, you will find riches and achievement when you focus your attention and narrow something into your expertise, which is kind of what you did. So if you haven't done that, now it's. Now's the time to search. And how do you help people find their passion or find their future?

So we have a. We have an exercise. It's called motivational interviewing. It's called card sorts. And so it's a. It's a values clarification card sort. And you have five categories, and you have cards, and you place out about a hundred different values, and that helps give some direction. We can do that at some time, too.

That's good. You got that at home.

I do.

All right. Maybe we'll do that with the girls after the podcast. I like it. So now, 30, you got your shit together, things are going good. Then you turn 40. 40.

40 is working, you know, professionalism, learning all I can to be the best that I can be.

Right.

Getting these initials per se.

Right.

And so that. Getting that in your 40s. Well, probably a little bit late before that, you know, I mean, by the time at all. But then really just wanting that knowledge and being hungry, right. For knowledge and experience. And I got a lot of experience in a lot of great, different Places. And that's where my. I've done every type of care from psychiatric inpatient to home based therapy and outpatient. So I've seen a lot and done a lot.

Right.

And to me, it's just. That's. That's the best.

Timing. Was that really good? And you quit drinking for a little while there during your 40s too, correct?

Right, correct.

So you laid off the booze, but he's gonna have beer with me later, which is cool. And so, you know, the bottom line on that is, you know what? Number one, if you need help, get help, but you don't have to necessarily be stuck. How did you reconcile that? Were you like, you know what? I think I'm good. I've studied this enough. I can control myself.

Well, yeah. So there was a time probably being out of control in my life where I went to therapy in this time and just met a great person and said, hey, I need to take care of my stuff. And so I won't get into my whole story, but it's like when you sit across and you go through this work and you do this work, then, you know, I feel obligated. Hey, this is what I want to become, and this is what I want to do.

That's cool. And the point is, it's not too late if you're 40.

It is never too late. I've had people come in at 70.

Yeah.

And do some work and like, you know. Or 80.

Right.

It's never too late. Good for you.

Yeah, that's good. And then you turn 50. Four years ago, four years ago, with you on your 50th.

You were not. I did a marathon up in Charlevoy, Michigan. I walked it. It was one of the slowest marathons I ever did.

So. So cool.

So kind of my theme of fitness. I've done seven marathons, maybe 100 half marathons. I think over time.

Yeah.

So it's taking a toll on my joints. So I look for movement in different ways now.

Right.

Which I totally enjoy, but I just enjoy that aspect of hiking and getting out and always. I've done that with groups of adults and with kids as well, too. Yeah, that's great.

So physical fitness. Right. The attitude thing is I got to take care of my body.

I have to.

Right. Because it goes down quick.

Yeah. And it's all about energy though, too. We're from a lot of energy. My wife has an abundance of energy. She's the only person in my life. I said I'd say this at our funeral. That called Me lazy. I've done all this physical fitness and she's like, you're lazy.

Oh, my God. Well, she's a lot older than you, too.

She's got some energy.

Hi, Carla. I thought she'd enjoy getting a shout out for her. That was mean spirited. I'm sorry, Carla, you're the best.

You can take that out.

I like it. No, let's keep it in. She'll giggle. We'll see it then. I. Here's the deal. Here's how I knew if Carla will listen to this, and that's if she kicks my ass, because I just said that. So anyway, for her, being 70 is really. She's gorgeous. All right. But anyway, so. Hey, man, bro, that was awesome. Thank you for being a part of the Get Attitude podcast.

And it's an honor to be here. Thank you, bro. Thank you, thank you.

And so here's the deal. Look at. I think the most important thing Brian talked about were the four emotional needs of attention, affection, affirmation, and acceptance. And the question I have for you is, how are you getting those four needs? Like, who are you becoming to get those four needs? Are you meeting those needs? Who meets those needs for you? And are you able to meet those needs yourself? If you answer that question, if you do nothing else, if you listen to every single podcast, if you. If you address that issue with yourself, then I think the time that we spent together has been well spent. I also think that it's important you share that information with the people that you love most. Possibly your spouse, possibly your children, possibly your employees, possibly your co workers, possibly anybody that you actually really care about. I think Brian gave us a lot to think about. I think Brian gave us a lot to converse about, especially with the people that we love most in our life. And I hope that through this podcast and through this. This specific podcast, your life has been enhanced as we try to change the world one attitude at a time. Brian, what's the last just positive thought that you can leave our listeners with? We got a gapper. This is your one time to say, you know, here's my sweeping overall philosophy on happiness, on life, on dysfunction, whatever. What do you want? What do you want our people to leave this podcast with that they'll remember you by?

I would say it's one of my favorite quotes by Lou Holtz. If you think what you accomplished yesterday was important, then you haven't accomplished anything today. And it's all about going out and accomplishing today. Honor what you've done in the past, but don't live in it. Keep moving forward. Enjoy that journey for when you keep accomplishing.

I love it. I love that saying too. That also says if you want to do, if you want to be remembered to tomorrow, do something great today.

There it is.

This is Glenn Bill with the Get Attitude podcast working on booster number six. Control your emotions. I'm so happy I was here with my brother. I think he just knocked it out of the park. Jason Jolliffe in Studio J, thank you for producing this fine content. This is Glenn Bill for the Get Attitude podcast reminding you you cannot win in life, you cannot win in your relationships, you cannot win in business unless you win in your mind first. And we will see you on the next upcoming episode. This podcast is a part of the C Suite Radio Network. For more top business podcasts, visit C suiteradio. Com.