T. Harv Eker explains that people-pleasing originates as an early-life survival mechanism where approval was necessary, but when that conditioning runs adult life it causes harm. He outlines a three-step reconditioning approach — awareness of approval-seeking behaviours, understanding their origin, and practicing new habits — and offers a live exercise used in his program to diminish concern about others' judgments.
Basic survival from early on, that we learned to survive meant we had to have the approval of others in order to survive. It was necessary. You understand that. And as a very, very young baby and whatever, and a toddler, and literally until you're like, you know, 14, 15, 16, as an adult, as a human, you need the approval of other people in order to survive, because if you don't, you're pretty well dead. The problem is, for most of us, we are conditioned for approval, that they need approval. We're all conditioned for that. It's a survival mechanism. The problem is that that still runs most of us in our adult life. It just takes a different form. So there's nothing wrong with looking for approval. You're going to do that, but when it runs your life as an adult, you don't need that anymore. But we're still running it habitually. And then when it hurts us, then it's a problem, you see? So we have to understand that inherently it came from something and that the only way to offset that and overcome that is to develop a new what? A new habit. So how do you develop a new habit? An awareness and a practice. So first, we do always do the same thing. It's a reconditioning process. Number one is. Is awareness. You have to become aware of when you're doing this. So how do you go about trying to get approval from other people? What do you do? How do you do it? Write it down. Well, you know, I boast. So when I'm in a group, I come in there and I'll say something and I'll boast about what I've done or what I'm gonna do, or I'll do favors for people. You know, when they say, come and do this, or, can you do this? Yes, yes, yes, I'm a yes, sir. Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Yes, I will. Or. And then. But then I'll resent it. Right. So you start. So you start to feel how it doesn't serve you. Like, if you're just helping people and you enjoy it and you love it, and there's no issue. There's no issue. What the f. There's no issue. Just help people, you know, do things for people. I get people all the time. I'm going to, you know, in the questions, they'll go. Something like. In the coaching, they'll say, well, I've been a mother, you know, my whole life, and I gave my entire life to my kids and to my husband, and I cooked and I cleaned and I did this and this. And nobody appreciated anything. And I spent 25 years doing this and I'm sick and tired of it. And I resent it. And I don't. Yeah, you got a problem, right? Because you did it for the wrong reason, baby. Sorry. That's not the way you do, you know? That's not how you do it. You do it. You do it like that, you're gonna resentful. That's the problem. The problem isn't that you're doing it. The problem is the resenting of it. You understand that? The problem isn't what you're doing. The problem is the resenting of it. Get it? Do it. Do the same thing without resentment. It's not a problem anymore, is it? Remember we talked about the beginning? We create our own story. So someone's. One person says, oh, yeah, I did this and I didn't get appreciation. They probably did get appreciation. They just. Nothing not is appreciating enough. Because they're a. What starts with a V. What are they? They're victims. So you can't be a good victim if you're happy about doing stuff, right? You can only be a good victim if you're. No, this is bad. This is terrible. People are taking advantage of me, right? Then I'm a victim, right? Okay, so the first thing is the awareness of what you're doing that is the issue. A lot of times it's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it, right? The second thing is the understanding of where it comes from. It comes from everybody. The same place it comes from. When you're a baby, you needed approval in order to survive. You're still playing the same game. That's all. No big deal. But the third thing is that they're saying that is that you don't need that anymore. If this person doesn't like you, you're not gonna die, probably. Okay? Get it? Period. They might not do something for you, or they may not like you. Who gives a shit? You're not dying, okay? Someone doesn't like you, so what? Okay, there's only 780 billion more people to give a shot to, right? No big deal. But when it runs your life, it's a problem. So, number one, awareness. Number two, understanding. Number three, recondition. It's a practice. It's a way of coming into things. It's an ability to be able to say yes or no based on your authenticity and who you are and in your own integrity of what you really want and be able to I always said in the million minds that the true, true courage, true integrity, is being able to decline an invitation for dinner without giving a reason. That's power. That's true power. That's true integrity. So, Harv, you know, Friday night, we got a few people over. Would you love. We'd love to have you. Would you like to come for dinner? No, thank you. Well, okay. All right. Thank you for the invite. Appreciate that. No reason. No Washing my hair? No. I gotta go to town. No, I wish I could, but I'm working on this. No, no. Just a simple no, thank you. See, I'm not worried about what they think. So in everything, it's just the way you look at it. But if you don't want to do it, if you feel like you're spread too thin, you're trying to. People, please, et cetera, et cetera. One of the things in our Secrets of Inner Power program is a great exercise, but I would highly recommend that you get that if you don't have that one. It's called Secrets of Inner Power. And there's a great exercise that we do in it, and it's. Whereby people are. When we do it, live, especially people are walking around and they're shaking hands. And the goal is to walk up to as many people as you can, shake their hand. Listen to this. Shake their hand, look them in the eye and say the following words. You say, I love you and I respect you, but I don't give a frick about what you think about me. Have a nice day. Now, we use a different word other than frick in the course, just so you know, okay? So it's stronger, more emphasis. I love you and I respect you. You're real. But I don't give a frick about what you think about me. Have a nice day. And then the person says that to you. And then you shake hands and you go to the next person. And we have people doing this, literally for 20 minutes. They're doing. And it only takes 30 seconds a shot, right? They're doing this 40, 50, 60, 70 times. And by the end of it, they say, how do you feel? They go, I really don't care what other people think about me. And I care for them, and I love them and they're great and they're wonderful, but I just don't care what they think about me. You know, Eleanor Roosevelt said, you know, she says, what other people think of me is none of my business. It's their business, isn't it? You think people think a lot about. They don't. They think about themselves. They think about themselves. Everything is through their own filter. It's not even about you. It's a. You know, if you do what they like, they like you. If you don't do what they like, they don't like you. What does that have to do. It's about them. They're like, not. You understand that? It's none of your business. It's them. Judgment says more about the person judging than the thing being judged, Sam.
