The Best Father’s Day Gift: An Honest Conversation!

Happy Father's Day. In this week's house call, I want to tell you about one of the best gifts I ever got. It was actually for my kids, and it was for my birthday this year. I had the most meaningful conversation with my kids I've ever had. I'm sharing this with you on Father's Day because I wish on every parent and every child the family relationships that I now have. And I want to tell you how I got here. When my life isn't working, it kind of spills over into all my relationships, including my kids. I've always had a great relationship with my kids. I raised them myself as a single dad. But I knew we had bumps and there were things unsaid and unresolved and that were keeping us from having the deepest relationship we could possibly have. I knew I made mistakes, so I wanted to clean it all up and say everything. And I wanted to hear everything from them in a safe way so we could heal anything that was in our way. Also, I wanted my kids to have a deeper relationship with each other. I knew I also had to own up to how my choices had affected them and the ways I really fallen short as a dad. So I invited them to spend a day with me to go deep. I asked for it for my birthday, actually, and I asked them to bring up all their list of complaints and concerns about me. And I promised I would listen with an open heart and open mind and I would bring my list too, and we'd all get to come clean. You'll never guess what their biggest issues were. I knew some of them, but some surprised me. Little things that I said over the years had a huge impact on how they felt about me and themselves. I once told my son offhandedly when he had trouble doing his homework because he kind of had bad eyesight and we really hadn't figured that out yet. I said, why can't you just do your homework like your sister? And I crushed him. It affected his self esteem and how he thought I perceived him for years and years, or when I decided to get married again and my daughter was opposed to it. And I said to her, I'm the adult. It's my life. I get to make this decision. And all she heard was, we're all on our own in this family. And that affected her for years. So we have to be so aware of what we say to our kids now. Some of the things I learned were things I'd already felt guilty about for years. There's times I'd been too busy with Work or preoccupied with my partner to really take care of their needs and their feelings. Times I'd put my head in the sand when they were in pain. I focused instead on my own needs. I listened and I heard, maybe for the first time. And then I apologized for the ways that I didn't hear them or take care of them or pay enough attention to what they were telling me in the moment. Not because I meant to do any of it to them, but because I could see it had caused them pain. And. And in the presence of that, I was really sorry. One of the toughest things to own was how I talked about their mom after our breakup. I know logically that it's hard on kids to feel like they have to take sides with their parents. And I knew they wanted to understand and think well of their mother. And I had to admit I had really undermined that. I could see that they were moved by my admission of this and my remorse and apologizing for what hurt them, whether I intended or not, was a huge release and a huge healing for all of us. Now, in order to feel that you deserve the understanding and forgiveness of somebody else, you first have to give it to yourself. I also wish I could say that I was able to facilitate this whole conversation by myself, but actually, I asked my close friend and my life coach to help create a safe place to have this conversation with my kids. Acceptance and healing are the most meaningful gifts in this life. And I was grateful to receive those gifts from myself and my kids, those I love the most. When I finally stopped defending myself and I took in and owned the criticisms my kids had for me, I was really set free. And then more miracles happened. We all got on the same page about what we wanted, what we needed from each other. My kids started talking to me about what they could do to make the family closer. I got to address my concerns on my list too. And we were able to make real promise to each other about how to go forward. We didn't just have a feel good moment, we also made agreements. We. We promised to make times together and to commit to family vacations and how often we speak on the phone and how we deal with issues that came up in the future. I got this message from my son about the experience. He said, dear dad, I'm just so proud of having a dad like you who wants to do deep work to keep us close. Avoidance and pretending everything is okay are kind of a family tradition. And I know you had issues with your family and you saw them repeating and you want to do something about it. And I love you for that because I don't want to repeat it either. Thank you. I respect you so much for this. I've learned so much from you by watching you change issues in our family dynamic. My future is now insured because I will know how to deal with my family when stuff comes up. Love, Misha. Well, he shared with me what it meant to him to have a relationship with his dad, me, that was more like an equal. And even though my son had been a, quote, grown up for many years now, I had to admit that we were both acting like he was still a kid until we had this conversation. What a relief to be no longer expected to be perfect or godlike, but also to be forgiven for the times I'd failed and called upon to do better. I have found that the more accountable I am to our relationship, the more my kids are too. Our family time now is generally characterized by mutual respect that comes from honesty and the trust was born out of a practice of speaking and listening to each other's truths. Now health is so much more about what you eat and what medicine you take or what supplements you take. The reason so many of us want to be healthy is so we can enjoy the people in our lives for lots of years to come. So take a minute and ask yourself if your relationships are as healthy as they can be and if not, do you realize how much power you actually have to change that? If you're a dad and it's Father's Day, it might be time to ask for your kids list on you as your holiday gift. And if you're reading this and you're someone's kid reading this, send this to your dad or your parent figure and start a real dialogue. Everybody wants understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and healing and anybody in the family can start the ball rolling. So. So forward this email and ask for a meeting. Start working on your list and get ready to say sorry for the things you know will be on their list. Real non judgmental and listening conversations are super healing, very powerful and the Handel Group coaches taught me how to heal my relationship starting with the ones that I had with myself and those important conversations that I have to those close in my life. So that's why I recommend them to people to give it a try both for their own relationship to themselves and their dreams and to others. Others you can actually schedule a free consult with them and learn lots more about their coaching service and find out how they can actually help you and be happy and live a great life. Now I want to hear from you. How is having honest and often hard conversations transformed your life? Comment below or on my Facebook page and if you like this video, share it with your friends and family on Facebook and Twitter. And be sure to submit your questions to drhyman.com and and maybe next week I'll make a house call to you.