A first-person account by Dr. Kristin Neff describing how self-compassion helped her cope with fear and anxiety after her son (born 2001) was diagnosed with autism about three years later. She explains that self-compassion creates safety—through mindful acknowledgement, connection to others, and warmth/kindness—which reduces overwhelming anxiety and allows clearer presence and response.
Questions this video answers
2001
About three years later (≈2004)
Chapters
For me, probably one of the most difficult challenges I had faced was when my son was diagnosed with autism. So that was back and he was born in 2001 and he was diagnosed about three years later. So kind of just after I had published the, the theory, the scale article. But I'd been practicing self compassion for some time. And I remember, you know, I knew something was up with them developmentally. And I remember when I got the diagnosis, you know, the mind just started generating these fears like what's it going to be like, you know, how am I going to handle this? Is he going to be okay? Is he going to ever live a normal life? And it just kind of started spinning and you know, even before I could be mindful. Okay, just Kristen, you know, watch the thoughts. The thoughts that kind of almost came later for me. My ability to have self compassion to just say, this is so hard, like, I am really scared, I'm worried, it's only human. I'm not alone. Many other parents have had similar situations or the same situation. Once I actually gave myself some compassion and warmth for how scary the moment was. Then actually I was able to kind of not be so. To be a little more mindful, ironically and not be so identified with the thoughts and be able to say, well, we don't know what's going to happen. You know what I mean? So, so moments like that and then just I talk a lot about my son Ron, because I think it's something people can relate to. Everyone who has kids has challenges with their kids. And we know our hearts are, they're so fragile. You know, we worry about ourselves, it's one thing, but when we worry or have anxiety about our kids, it's a whole different level. And so over and over again, just as he grew up and even now, you know, whenever I have worrying thoughts, I go to self compassion. So what self compassion does is it allows me to, it does allow me to feel safe enough to be present with the worrying thoughts or fears. It reminds me that I'm not so alone. You know, it connects me to others, which helps me feel, also feels safer. And then the warmth and the kindness in addition helps you feel safer. And that's one of the reasons self compassion is such a good antidote to fear and anxiety because it generates safety. By knowing when we know we have our own back, our own care, our own presence, it actually makes us feel safer, which means that the anxiety isn't so overwhelming.
