Marisa Peer | Break Free from Survival Mode: Unlocking Self-Worth and Confidence

You know, I was working with a little kid recently with depression. He was saying to me, no, I'm not good at math, I'm not good at art. He said, I'm good at it. I said, but that's your gift, darling. You're only supposed to be good at one thing. Imagine if everybody was good at everything. We'd never go to a restaurant. We'd never get someone to do our garden. We'd never go shopping. Oh, I can make my own clothes. I can cook my own food. I can design my own house. I can do everything myself. You see, schools do this thing that I don't agree with. They make you study every subject and some kids are never going to be good at art or maths or English. And then they make make you feel bad. In Finland, you only go to the lessons that you like. You self choose your lessons. Kids who love it are in it. Kids who love art are in art. And it's working out very well that they're actually being educated in a subject they're probably going to go into as a career.

Welcome to the Radical responsibility podcast. I'm Dr. Fleet Mahl and I'm excited to guide you on a journey of authentic transformation. In each episode, I'll bring you insights from leading experts to explore trauma recovery, mindfulness practices, positive psych psychology, and innovative breakthroughs in health, wellness and life optimization. This is a space for real conversations that inspire meaningful change, helping you find alignment with the person you were always meant to be. Let's get started. What if the beliefs holding you back could be rewritten in minutes? In today's episode, we're uncovering the secrets to rapid transformation with Marisa Peer, globally acclaimed therapist, best selling author and creator of rapid transformational Therapy. Marissa has spent over 30 years helping royalty, CEOs, athletes and individuals from all walks of life reprogram their minds to achieve confidence, resilience and lasting self love. Together, we'll explore the science of neuroplasticity and how language and mindset can shape your reality. Discover how to reframe primal instincts, overcome limiting beliefs and harness your brain's full potential. Plus, Marissa offers practical strategies from her revolutionary Dietless Life program designed to help you cultivate a healthier relationship with food and yourself. If you're ready to transform your mindset, tap into your potential and rewrite your life's narrative, this episode is for you. Let's dive in. I'm really excited to be here today with Marisa Peer from uk. How are you, Marisa?

I'm very good thank you for asking.

Well, it's wonderful to have you be part of this. And your work is renowned around the world. It's an honor to meet you. So, Marissa, with your work, I'm just wondering how that sort of for you fits into that. I mean, it's a bit of an analogy. It's maybe an oversimplification of the brain a little bit to say rewiring the brain, but it's still. It's a valid analogy as well. And I'm wondering how that fits in with your work. I mean, you were doing this work before some of the more recent advances in brain science and getting fabulous results. But I'm wondering how this current knowledge about neuroplasticity, neurogenesis, epigenetics, and all that relates with your work or informs your work.

Well, you know, rewiring is a word people love. I say that you're going to come in and we're going to teach you how to rewire yourself. What does that even mean? Well, it means you're like, nobody is born unable to leave food. No baby says, oh, my God, I ate too many cookies. I feel so bad, or I'm so greedy. But a lot of our wiring, the very thing that we don't want to do, is what nature would like. Nature has wired us to be so scared of hunger because even 500 years ago, it killed you more than disease, more than war. And so there's the wiring that goes against you when you're hungry. The brain is so scared of hunger, you'll eat anything. So that's an interesting concept that you're wired to fear hunger. You're wired to remember where sugar is and go back for more. You know, years ago, if you found honey that was so exciting, you'd eat it until it was gone. You wouldn't go, oh, it's a bit fattening. I'll just have a bit. And so a lot of our wiring to eat food when it's in our line of vision was what kept us alive. So the things nature's done wired you to be scared of hunger, remember where sugar is, go back or eat food when it's in your line of vision is really interesting. And again, you can't fight one. But you can write it. You can say, oh, yes, I am hungry and I am feeling weird, and I'm about to eat all these cookies, but actually, I've got an hour's train ride home. When I get home, there's wonderful food. I don't need to eat the cookies. So you can work with your wiring. You know, human beings are wired to be so terrified of rejection. Why is that? Because it also killed you. Being banished, being cast out, being marooned. Survival was a numbers game. And even though we think we're so modern and so evolved, we're really not. We are wired to be scared of rejection. We're wired to be scared of not having enough to eat. We're wired to be scared of people not liking us because those things kept us alive. And all these years later, the truth is you could live on your own with six cats, never see a soul and make you to 102. So the things that we're wired to be scared of, it's our wiring that hurts us. But when you can understand it, oh right. I feel like it's the end of the world because 500 years ago it would have been. But actually that didn't work out. But I can have another relate. I can live on my own. I can have a great life with cats, dogs, pets. So we have to start dialoguing back. Our wiring is fixed, but we can work around it and say, but this really isn't. It's a bit like, you know, when you go to the top of a building and look down, your stomach drops, your mind goes get away from the edge, you fall because the wiring says, hey, you're going to fall, you're going to die. I'm going to make your stomach plummet. So you step back. Even then there's a plate gas ruined. And I think one of the good things is understand your wiring. Go, oh, okay. My mind isn't trying to make me fat. It isn't trying to make me cling on to this person who's not right for me. It's all about surviving when that was actually statistically not an easy thing to do.

So we do have this very much fear and survival based wiring. And that's not going to go away. And it's there for a reason. It's there to keep us alive. And we wouldn't be here as a species if there wasn't that wiring. And it does seem we can, as you're saying, it's helpful to understand that and maybe reframe that and work with it. And at the same time it seems like we can create additional wiring or other wiring in the brain that other neural networks in the brain that could counterbalance some of that and maybe support. Because otherwise, you know, it's hard just to think of it in cycle like, well, I can be prepared to always have the right thoughts when that fear and survival based wiring kicks in, but that's hard to do. So it seems like we can imprint some momentum of some positive alternatives or other ways of seeing things.

I mean, just saying this expression, I have phenomenal coping skills, I have extraordinary coping skills. Bring it on is so different to oh my God, I can't cope. So when you're saying, I can't cope. And I've had many clients whose parents were so sensitive, they couldn't cope with noise or light or even the sound of a packet of potato chips being open. So they never went to the cinema or the swimming pool or the movies because the parents were this, I can't cope with sound. I said, but that's your parent. You gotta say, I can cope with anything. Noise, light, sound, heat, cold. We're actually incredibly resilient. I think humans have this belief that we're fragile, very delicate creatures, damaged for life by life's misfortunes. And that actually isn't true. We're actually incredibly strong. We're incredibly resilient and we're great survivors. Look what our ancestors went through. And if you do the opposite. So saying I'm fragile, I'm strong, I'm a strong person, I'm a strong woman, I'm a strong man, I'm strong, I'm brave, I'm capable. You know, imagine going into surgery, which I did recently. I was in there. I'm strong, I'm strong, I'm brave, I'm brave, I've got the bounce back factor. Rather than, oh my God, what if I die in the operating theater? Because we do have a choice with all this wiring. We have a choice. We can talk ourselves into something or out of something. And our words are really shaping our reality just as much as our wiring. But the great news is that when you change your words, you change your attitude. If you don't like your reality, look at your language patterns and start to change it. Because that's what neuroplasticity means. As you think thoughts, the brain will reshape itself to the thoughts you're thinking.

Well, that's an incredibly refreshing message because I think there are a lot of cultural trends today that are kind of encouraging people to see themselves as fragile and forever damaged instead of really recognizing the incredible results you have.

I know, I have an agony column, you know, advice column. Somebody wrote to me and said, hey, I'm at work and this boy doesn't like me and it's damaging my mental health. He's like, no, darling, that's not True. A boy doesn't like you. That's part of life. You'll find another one who does. And if he doesn't like you, he's not riving. That isn't damaging your mental health even a tiny bit. Except it is when you keep saying it is. You're just learning to deal with rejection, and not everyone's going to like you. But we now have this word, mental health. I'm not being promoted. It's damaging my mental health. Somebody was rude to me. It's damaged my mental health. And we're making this generation feel so fragile. It's wonderful to recognize that we're not all the same. But I do think we're making people feel unnecessarily fragile when really we want to feel that we're stoic and strong and it's okay. And, you know, it's a bit like if you look at Covid, HarperWorld said, oh, I'm loving Covid. I'm at home with my kids. There's no kidding other hospital. I absolutely hate it. I might as well be in jail. I'm a prisoner. And it wasn't even Covid. It's what Covid meant to you. Because it's not events that affect you, it's how you feel about the events. You're free to change what the event means to you, which, again, you can change. So even in a bad situation, when I got run over, it's like, well, actually, it's quite cool. I've got all this time off. I'm lying in bed. I don't have to do anything. Everyone is being so kind to me. So you can always. You can reframe anything if you want to. And if you can learn to reframe everything and make it better, you know, the only thing we can control are our thoughts. We can't control the weather or traffic or people. We've got Covid. We've got a perma crisis. But the one thing you can control is your thoughts. And when you control your thoughts and make them positive, life is very different. And we have to learn to do that, always take charge of our thinking. Now, most of us fear change because what if it's changed for the worse? But often it could be changed. Well, Zubi, don't you mind getting older? I'm like, well, it's better than the alternative. Of course I don't mind. It's an honor to get older. Some people never have that joy of getting older. And so it's really important to keep a reframing. I'M old, I'm single, I don't have children, whatever. But, you know, always look for. Is there anything good about that? Because if you look hard enough, you can find something good about everything, including getting older, because it's a luxury we don't all get to experience.

Absolutely. What I hear you talking a lot about is mindset and also the power narrative that. Oh, yeah, that drives mindset. And narrative is such a powerful force. And a lot of our narratives were developed early in childhood where we're making up stories to make sense of the world. They are the best stories we could come up with at the time. But carrying them through into adulthood and having them drive our lives in adulthood doesn't necessarily make sense. So your latest book, Tell Yourself a Better Lie, would seem to point to the possibility of the narratives are just that. And if we have a narrative that's really not working for us in life, we could create a different narrative that would work better for us.

Yeah. You know, our greatest pain is never from the lies. You know, imagine your partner saying, I don't love you anymore. You're boring. Or your dad's saying, well, actually, you're a mistake. And we really were trying to have a son, and we had a fourth girl, or vice versa. These lies don't hurt us as much as the lies we tell ourselves. Our greatest pain really comes from these lies. I'm an idiot. I've got rocks for brain. Everything I touch falls apart. I'm just not very good at people. I don't like confrontation. This new one, I feel I've got social anxiety. I'm like, actually, you really don't just be antisocial. And there's nothing wrong with that. That can be a good thing. I don't really want to be with people tonight. I'm going to stay home and watch my TV or just have a nice bath. But antisocial has become social anxiety. You know, we keep giving people these tremendous labels. When you label yourself, you limit even a good label. Like, I'm the good one or the caring one, or the kind one or the dependable one. And so the narrative is all about, you know, if you don't like it, why not change it? You know, just because your parents had this belief. Like, one of my clients told me this story that his father said, stand on the table and you jump, and I'll catch when he jumped. He would always say, that's the lesson. Never trust anyone. Don't even trust your own shadow. You can't trust anyone. But that was the father's story. And what I see with many clients is they make someone else the story of their own story. You can't trust people. The world isn't safe. People will rip you off if they get a chance. And there might be some truth in that, but that's another person's story. You have to make your own story. I mean, my parents story was very different to my story because it's quite exciting to go, hey, I can edit and upgrade and change my entire life. I should have been a girl, I should have been a boy. I should have been a camera. I should have been an athlete. You can just be yourself. You have a blank slate. And you can edit and rewrite anything you like by reframing something going, oh, it's like my grandmother used to say, men don't like.