How to Heal After a Breakup | Free Your Mind & Move On

Good morning everyone that is watching this in the UK. Good afternoon and good evening to those that couldn't join me live today but are watching the replay of this. For those of you who haven't met me before, my name is Heather Prince and I am a certified relationship coach, and today we're going to look at How do we heal our heart and free our mind? And as you can see on here, my nickname is the Root Master. That's the name of my website that you can see at the bottom of the page. And I'm nicknamed that name because I get to the core root of what's going on. So let's have a look at what we're going to, uh, do today. So first of all, for anyone that hasn't come to Lunch and Learn before, very welcome. And for those that have, welcome back. And I want to give a shout out to 3 people that voted for this subject in my Facebook group, Fearlessly Moving Forwards: Susan Gemma, Kayla Conley, and Sonia. I'm not quite sure how you pronounce your surname, Sonia, but you know who you are, and thank you so much for voting for this great subject, which I hope you will learn something from, and the many other people that are drawn to watch it will gain an insight. So let's have a look at the introduction here. Healing from heartbreak is not the same process for everyone. We're all unique, and it, it varies within the same person throughout their life, in fact, changing from one relationship to the next. I spoke to one woman that said that, you know, Her divorce from her first husband wasn't so bad, but after she'd had her second relationship with someone for a few years, when that, uh, didn't work out, she was devastated. So it changes, and nobody can tell you with any degree of certainty how long you will need to heal, but there are some ways you can make the process of mending a broken heart into an opportunity to learn more about your wants and your needs. And ultimately, you can use these insights to develop and strengthen your healthy coping skills. And the growth that you experience will help you navigate future relationships with others, as well as the relationship you have with yourself. Because I'm a great advocate of starting with self. I call it the selfies, and we will go into that a little bit more. So in the immediate aftermath, just know that it's okay to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the future that you anticipated that you were going to have. You don't need to jump straight into problem-solving mode, because a lot of people think that they do. In fact, Doing so when you haven't allowed yourself to fully embody your feelings may make the process more protracted and difficult. Now, in the early days, try to resist the urge to isolate yourself because sadness, guilt, confusion, and other intense feelings may be Overwhelming. Reach out to other people who care about you. To come to terms with the changes in your life, you'll need the support of your family and friends. And a lady that messaged me yesterday said, I'm not near my family. But with FaceTime nowadays, with Zoom, with all of this technology, even if you're not near each other, make sure that you connect. Make sure that you surround yourselves with people that love and care about you. And if you've got friends close by, ring them up and say, I'm not in a brilliant mood, but I need to talk right now, or I need to go out for a coffee, or, you know, what's on at the local cinema? Let's go and see a movie. Whatever it is, make the effort, because if you don't, no one else is going to. It has to come from you. And when you're ready for the next step, here are some dos and don'ts to help guide you through the process of healing. Don't let your emotions rule, and know that the end of a relationship is not a failure. If you agree with that, Please comment, send me a heart, give me a thumbs up. If you don't mind StreamYard knowing your name, give it permission. Otherwise, put your name into your message so I know who's watching and so we can interact. And I'm happy to answer any questions if you just comment. So you're not a failure if a relationship ends. Instead, think of it that it was an opportunity for you to learn and grow. I call it a learning curve. It doesn't matter if it was your first relationship or if you've had others before. It doesn't matter. Everyone, whether they're age 20 or age 50, can get to know themselves better and work on improving their relationship skills. You know, we're always learning. Every single day there's more to learn. And part of the grieving process is feeling angry at the end of relationship. You know, there's 5 stages to grief, and the end of anything starts a grieving process of the future that you believed that you were going to have that's now not going to happen. And you may even be attempted to exact revenge on your ex or fantasize about interfering Or in disrupting their life, including their new relationship with somebody else. And remember that hurting another person won't lessen your pain. In fact, it's more likely to make you feel worse and will slow the progress of your own healing. You know, go and punch some cushions, shout and swear. Um, if you like going to the gym, you know, go and, uh, get that punching bag going on. Maybe local to you there's a boxing class, but get the anger out, um, because if you don't and you suppress it, it comes out into a physical ailment and it will make you unwell, and that's the last thing that we want. So it's time to take self-care, and that is on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Each person has their own unique needs in each area, but there are some general acts of self-care that are beneficial for almost everyone, such as a nutritious diet— eating healthy salad, fruit, vegetables— taking regular exercise, even if it's a walk around the block or your local park, or if you're lucky like me, I live near a nature reserve, which is so lovely. Have a social support system and strategies for coping with stress, such as doing deep breathing and meditation, and I've just named just a few there. Most important is to be patient, to be gentle, kind, and giving towards yourself like you would your own best friend. And it may help to know that the pain of a breakup is not just emotional. Research has shown that people can also feel physical pangs of loss. It, you know, affects you on a physical level, and that's why, you know, people can become quite unwell with a broken heart, and it's very important that you take that self-care. Now, the big picture is you may also need to work on restoring the big picture perspective, because when you're in a romantic relationship, it may be a central part of your life and But romantic love isn't the only kind that can be nourishing. Continue to nurture relationships with your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself. If you feel guilt or shame about your role in a relationship that has ended, it may be hard to be a good friend to yourself as you work through these feelings. But keep in mind that practicing compassion towards yourself makes it more likely you'll going to attract that kind of energy from others because like attracts like. If you find you can't let go of a relationship or feel that you're unable to cope with the loss, even with support from friends and family, as time goes on, you may want to seek professional support. And working with a trustworthy knowledgeable, skilled, and compassionate therapist is good self-care during any period of major change in your life, but can be especially helpful when you're coping with loss. And don't get stuck in the past. We all have the tendency to look back on our lives or certain relationships, and we put on our rose-colored glasses. And the effect of rosy retrospection is that you may refuse to see the problems and only focus on the good parts, which you're likely to miss when they're not there anymore. And sometimes both the good and bad memories may feel as though they're playing on an endless loop in your mind, and these intrusive thoughts can slow down the process of healing and can be quite distressing. And although it may be difficult, don't lose perspective. No relationship is all bad, but none are perfect either. If you're glorifying the relationship or find you continue to put your ex on a pedestal, it may be a sign that you need to give yourself some emotional and perhaps physical distance. Um, for example, you may struggle in this digital age to refrain from checking up on your ex via social media. And if you can't resist the temptation, it may be time to unfriend them or block their profile. And you won't be able to move on with your own healing if you're constantly being drawn back into their lives and thinking about what once was as well as what will never be. So if your ex starts a new relationship, seeing them post on social media, even if it's not always an accurate representation of their reality, it may cause those old feelings to resurface for you. It can also fuel preoccupation with any unresolved aspects of your relationship with them. It's not healthy for you. So do appreciate the good memories. You know, even if your relationship ended on a sour note, uh, chances are it was not all bad. It's normal to look back at what was good about it, and you may find you miss certain things about your ex and the love you shared. And at the same time, you may feel overwhelmed by the empty space that's left when the relationship ends, or You might harbor resentment about what happened that led to its dissolution. Now, riding out these shifts in emotions is part of the healing process. So when a happy memory comes up, allow yourself to feel grateful for it, but remember, move on. And don't deny your needs. Being honest with yourself about your needs, especially those that aren't being met can be a painful process. You may feel it would be easier and less painful to simply ignore them, and while it may feel better in the short term to numb yourself to the hurt, it will only make it harder for you to heal in the long term. And pretending you don't have needs makes it impossible for you to grow, both in your relationships with others and the one that you have with yourself. So do reevaluate your needs, because following a breakup is a good time to think about your wants and your needs in a romantic relationship. And you might find it helpful— and I really believe it is helpful because I tell all my clients to write in a journal or make a list— and ask yourself the questions: have I been choosing partners who are not capable of a loving and mature relationship? And was I hoping this person would change, or that I would be able to change them? Because it can be painful to admit that your previous relationship wasn't able to meet your needs. Taking the time to honestly reflect can be hard work, but once you do it, you'll be able to clarify the qualities to look for in a future partner. Because the truth is we can't change anyone. The only control we've got is to change ourself. And please don't jump into a rebound relationship. You may feel a sense of urgency about finding a new romantic partner, but so-called rebound relationships prevent you from working through your previous one. Hi! Whoever has just said hi, please share your name, and if you've got any questions or anything that you want to say please do comment. So we're talking about reflecting on a relationship that's recently ended, or it might have ended ages ago, because you may end up repeating patterns or making the same mistakes in the next one. And that's why it's so important to focus and work on yourself first before jumping into a rebound relationship. It can be hard to break free from old ways of thinking and behaving, even if you know it's not helpful. But recognition is the first step to making changes and to realize, oh, all the people that I've been in a relationship with have been a certain way, or I've jumped in to rescue them because they needed saving, or whatever it is. You will notice a pattern, or somebody that you've always been with has been an addict, whether they've been betting on the horses or they've been a heavy drinker. So do try again when you're ready. Sometimes people have a hard time coping with being single when they had become used to being part of a couple, and this may be especially true after a long-term relationship ends. I know that myself. I was with my ex-husband, uh, since I was just before I was 16. That's 34 years I was with him. So I know I've been in those shoes. And if you're struggling with your identity as a single person, try to remember that your value comes from who you are, not who you're with. And being on your own gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself. That is not selfish. And it can be hard if you're used to taking care of others. I've got 3 children And they all left home, and I had empty nest syndrome as well. Um, but you get into the groove eventually of focusing on your own needs. And sometimes people who aren't as confident socializing on their own are more comfortable in social situations when they're part of a couple because it's what you're used to. And others may enjoy being social whether they're in a relationship or not, but they might resist going out after a breakup. And that tendency to avoid those social situations is often a mix of worrying about seeing an ex-partner or someone you know who might ask about the relationship, combined with wanting to avoid places or activities or people who remind you of your ex. But please, please don't isolate yourself. You don't need to go out on a Friday night, um, if you'd rather stay home reading a lovely book, um, but do spend time around others. Um, don't spend all the time on your own. Um, and if you want to go somewhere, just ring up a friend and see if they'll go with you. Now, a great question that people always ask is, what is mindful dating? Do you know what mindful dating is? Because I'm going to share it with you. While you don't have to rush it, you may begin to open up like a flower to the possibility of another relationship as time goes by? Why not? You're worthy of love, aren't you? I, I know that I was worthy of love, and I started to go out, um, 11 years ago when my marriage broke up. And I won't pretend it was easy, but it's like a muscle. The more you work on that muscle, the stronger that muscle becomes. Now, it might be scary to think about falling in love again, especially after you've been hurt. But try to remember that as deep as the pain of a broken heart can be, it means that you experience love just as deeply. I know I did. And you may not even be looking for relationship when love finds you, as it can show up in unexpected places. And if you're looking more intentionally, be open to meeting others when you go out and choose the places and activities you enjoy. But remember, like attracts like. So you need to raise your vibe first and heal so that you meet someone in the same place. If you go out vulnerable and needy, you're going to attract somebody that's also vulnerable and needy. So whether you like joining a rambling walking group or a book group, a sports team, or if you like to spend time in the local library, you're more likely to make positive connections with others and find lasting relationships. Um, with friends or even a future romantic partner, uh, in a place where you're safe and comfortable because you're being yourself. And then you'll find the like-minded people. So you might ask the question which we started with today: how do we heal our heart and free our mind? So do forgive to free The mind. Forgiving your ex may take time and may not come easily, especially if you were hurt or betrayed or abandoned. It's important to note that forgiving someone does not mean that you condone their hurtful behavior and actions. In fact, sometimes the act of forgiveness is not so much about the other person. Arriving at a place of forgiveness Gives you permission to stop investing time and energy into a person and situation that is no longer healthy for you. So to mend a broken heart and move on, there's someone else you need to be ready to forgive— yourself. You might find it easier to forgive your ex, but remember that the longest-running and the most powerful relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. Whether you're single or you're in a relationship, you can always change behaviors or shift your paradigm to prevent repeating mistakes. Allow yourself to grow and continue to develop self-love. Now you can opt into my freebies if you haven't already. There's a meditation audio forgiving your ex. You can listen to it as many times as you feel that you need to. There's a workbook if you're feeling lonely, uh, that's very helpful, and an affirmation audio of I am enough. Because so many people that I've worked with said, oh, I'm not young enough, I'm not slim enough, I'm not tall enough, I'm not clever enough. Let me tell you right now, you're enough, but you have to Feel it. So working on the affirmation of I am enough will certainly help you if you repeat it, repeat it, repeat it. We need to change the answer machine on your old phone message. There you'll see my email if you'd like to email me, heather@heatherprince.co.uk. And there is the website again, www.therootmaster.com. So I hope that you have found this of benefit today on how do we heal our heart and free our mind. If you feel that you would like a no-cost, no-obligation clarity call with me, don't hesitate to reach out. So thankful that you joined me today for this Lunch and Learn. And I look forward to receiving your comments. And if you know anyone that would, um, gain something from what I've shared today, please do share. Sending lots of love. Take care, everyone.