Grief coach Jodi Cohen shares how she decluttered after losing her son using a three-pile system that includes a limbo pile for items she wasn't ready to release. She later transformed his bedroom into a Peloton room and discusses "decanting" cherished objects to different spaces as a way to shift their emotional weight and support healing.
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I lost a child in a car accident. It was 7 and a half years ago. And it took me a minute to kind of go through his stuff. And the way one of his friend's moms was like a, she does kind of what you do. And she came over and like helped me go through this stuff. And I was really paralyzed. And she's like, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna create 3 piles, right? One pile is this goes now. One pile is this stays forever. And one pile is I'm not deciding yet. This is my limbo pile. And that kind of made it easier because I didn't need to decide in that moment. Yeah. I'm going back through the limbo pile and I'm like, a lot of it, you know, really can go. And I was telling you before we started filming, we turned during COVID we turned my son's room into the Peloton room. Cause you know how like the Peloton needs its own room. And I never, I'm much more of an outdoor exercise person, but my daughter used it, but now she's about to graduate college. So I'm like, hmm, maybe I turn, you know, the Peloton room or my son's room into my podcast room. So it's, it's just this idea that, you know, as you, as you grow and evolve, your space can grow and evolve with you.
And those choices that you make get to honor, get to honor your son. If you want to think that, right?
Like you get to love it being a part, like he, he would have loved YouTube. He was making videos early.
Yeah. Yeah. And so I just, wow. I love the idea of turning, turning the room into your, your studio. Yeah, that's really special, Jodi.
It changes the energy too, because I think right after, you know, it's, it's, I've heard this a lot from people who've lost someone, you know, like, uh, their husband died 20 years ago and his clothes are still in the closet, you know, or, or a loved one dies and it becomes almost like a living memorial. Like they don't touch anything. And, um, I, you know, in fairness, I did that for about 6 months and then I was, you know, we, uh, changed it to the Peloton room and now I'm like, let's just make it like a functional living space.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, one thing my grandma did when my grandpa died, and this is way before me, I never met him. He died really early because of some poisoning on the farm that they had actually. I know, right? So it's, uh, anyway, when he died, she went and looked at his clothes and she chose her favorite sweater of his and kept that sweater. And then told my mom and my mom's siblings, anytime I want to feel like I'm getting a hug from your dad, I put that sweater on. And so it's just, you know, if everything is special, nothing is special. And so for her, you know, she would just go put that sweater on and all the kids knew, you know what, this is, this is where mom's at right now. And I just thought that was really, just really intentional of my grandma. To do at that time. And then the clothes were donated and, and then all used and had second lives and helped people that were going without. And so it's, um, it's, you know, there are a lot of different things to do or a lot of different ways to declutter and a lot of different ways to go about it, especially when we are experiencing grief. And so I just really thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your story right there too, Jodi.
Oh no, of course. You know, and also just if anyone's listening that's experiencing grief, it's a process. It's an unraveling. And if you're not there today, that's totally okay. You know, trust me, it took me a while to get there.
Yeah. I thank you for saying that. You know, clutter is neutral. Stuff is neutral. And there are a lot of people out there with a lot of thoughts on how you should grieve or how soon you should get rid of things. And that's all they really are. They're just thoughts. And opinions, and each one of us is unique. And, and so we get to travel our own path. Some people, right, depending on their design, they get the yes, no, yes, no, and they can get rid of things quickly. Other people want some time to kind of process and, and sometimes they'll say, oh my gosh, I've, I've stopped decluttering. I'm stuck. And actually they haven't, they're not stuck. They're just in the middle of that processing. Nothing has gone wrong. And once they get their answers, yes, this is the right time now, then they, they keep moving forward.
And so it's, yeah, I did something. I don't really understand it, but I call it like decanting, you know, like you decant the wine and you let it kind of sit. I had a lot of Max's stuff in the attic. And so I just moved it into kind of the main area. He loved tigers. He had some like kind of life-sized tiger stuffed animals that I just kind of put out and my dogs at first thought a predator was in the house, but I, but even like moving that energy, you know, like kind of changing where it lived, you know, and vacuuming up where it took space. It's, it's really interesting. Like it, it really does physical things, I think, have kind of energy attached to them. I'll never forget. Um, you know, we moved, my, my husband and I moved here from New York and we brought like our little New York couch that we used to entertain on. And then we had the babies and that's where I breastfed the babies. And then the babies, you know, like Ate on the cat, there were blueberry stains. It just, it was time to like leave. And we found this sweet family that really wanted it, you know, and they came and picked it up. We gave it away for free. And I remember like that couch that, that had been part of our lives, like being so sad when that couch left. Like it was this really, it was almost like this period of time. It represented something to me, you know, and to see it go was interesting. And then, you know, the energy changed and I got a more appropriate couch for, you know, the stage they were at. But it's just, it is interesting. So I feel like I did that. And even sometimes I, um, I used to rearrange my room constantly as a kid, which is such a weird OCD thing. But I feel like I'm doing that now with stuff, you know, like I take like these vases, I like try it there and I'm like, maybe not, you know.
You know what?
Your whole bedroom setup.
Yes. So do you want to know what's happening? This is new information to me, but I find it fascinating. So when we rearrange things and then we know once the rearranging is done, we're like, yeah, that feels better. What it is is our nervous system telling us, okay, you're now safe or you're safer than how it felt before. So Jodi, I'm the same. When I was a kid, I was always rearranging my parents' living room. They'd come home, open up the door and go, oh, Heather's been at it again. It drove my dad crazy. And as, as you know, a middle-aged adult, we just made some changes in my home. I have a small house and we moved. We made some changes. Well, my husband and our two boys made some changes and I walked in and my nervous system immediately said, no, I can't do this. No, it wasn't me being, you know, hard to live with or anything like that. It was just, I knew my body didn't feel safe and all I needed to do, cause they made some big changes, but all I needed to do, I moved one big plant away from a window and then I could see out. And for me, that's my nervous system. That's my design. I then felt safe. I said, ah, I can breathe. It feels so much better. And so it's, it's interesting, right? But I, I believe that's why we're doing it. And we make those changes until we say subconsciously, okay, now, now it feels good. Now it feels good. Yeah.
No, I like even where I sit, you know, if you're at dinner with people, like I like to sit kind of looking out, you know, maybe that's a safety thing too. Yeah. I see that.
Actually, Jodi, so we might have, so I've been having fun getting into human design and my husband basically is called a cave. He wants, you know, to block any light coming in from the windows. And a lot of people are caves. They want to create a really safe feeling inside the house. You know, don't let the outside—
No, I like as much sunlight as possible. I like really big windows and I don't actually have curtains because I like to see as much sun as I possibly can.
I have a feeling that we would be very compatible living together because, because so what you— so I am a valley, meaning that I want to see out. I want to see far distances, I feel better, I feel safer. And I always sit with my back to the wall so I can look out.
Well, you know what's interesting? I had a friend help me. I was cleaning out the pantry and she was stacking all these things like up top and I'm like, no, I'm like, I like space up top. So we moved the appliances to like the next level down.
It's fun. It's— this stuff is really fun, right? You know, so, all right. All right. Let's pivot. I mean, I could talk with you, you know, for 5 hours continuously, cause it's just so fun. And I love talking clutter with you, physical, mental, emotional clutter. I want to pivot to clutter in the essential oil industry. What, like, is there clutter in that industry? I believe there is personally, but I'd like to know what you think of that.
