Deepening Your Friendships | Holly Furtick

So today our final session is called the Five Foundations. And I'm going to talk you through what I believe to be the five foundations of friendship. I want us to open up in prayer and here's what I'm going to pray. Just so you know, I'm going to pray that the Lord would open up your eyes to one of these five areas that he wants you to focus on over the next few weeks. I believe that small steps are the key to long term success. You can kill yourself and get a beach body in 90 days, but when those 90 days are over, I don't know if you're like me, actually. I don't know if I've ever done 90 days. But 30 days are over. You are so sick of eating cauliflower rice and washing your hair every day because your workouts made you get so sweaty that you just don't want to do this anymore. And then you go to the beach and you eat everything in and you gain back everything that you possibly lost. But if you simply just committed to exercising maybe even just two times a week for an entire year, the result would be a lot more gradual, but you would have longer lasting success with your health. I'm totally not trying to tell you how to manage your health. I'm trying to set you up for success in your relationships. And today, as I teach, I'm praying that the Holy Spirit would encourage you on some of the ideas and that he would challenge you on others. So let's pray. Holy Spirit, would you come now and do what only you can do? Would you open up our ears to hear what you have to say? When you affirm us, we will receive it. And when you challenge us, we will obey in Jesus name. Amen. So every year I force my family to get dressed up and take a picture for our Christmas card. I'm not gonna lie, I go to great lengths to make sure that we coordinate. But we aren't too matchy. And last year I was thinking about what I wanted to do for our Christmas picture. And I decided that I wanted to get a picture with the skyline of Charlotte in the background. So our amazing photographer, her name is Cheyenne, she's been taking our family's picture for years. She said she knew just the place. She said it's on the top of a parking garage just outside of Charlotte, right at the edge of uptown. And she. So the day came and it was unseasonably cold and windy. It was November. And here in the south, it's not usually cold and windy in November. But we got dressed and we got to the top of the garage. And when we stepped out of the elevator, Cheyenne was there waiting for us with a ladder. And she pointed to a ledge that was about this high. It's about 4ft high, and it was about 1 foot wide. And she said, okay, y' all carefully get up here. And I looked at my husband and I was like, I promise I did not know that we were gonna have to stand up there. Okay, so don't panic because we were actually in danger. The ledge, it was like a partition on the top for the parking spaces on the top of the parking garage. So if we fell off the ledge, we weren't plunging to our deaths, but we were probably in d of breaking a limb. Also, I had on four inch heels, which I could barely walk in. You know, sometimes we just suffer through things for a picture. And I have to remind you that this was a family picture. So I was going to have to stand next to my children. I'm sure your children don't do this, but my children turn into complete demons when we take a family picture. So I grabbed them by the arms, some of them I might have held by the face, and I immediately went into mom lecture mode. And I said, don't lean on me, don't pull on me, don't even touch me, and don't even think about touching each other. I'm happy to report that we stood on that ledge in the freezing wind and nobody felt. And I'm also happy to report that Cheyenne captured the best family picture that has ever been taken of us. Do you want to see it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So here. Here's our family picture. Isn't that amazing? And here's a picture of my shoes. We zoomed in, so we made it. We didn't fall. The reason I'm telling you this story is because the first of our five foundations is stability. Years ago, I preached a message called the orchid and the oak tree. In this sermon, I talked about how we have to strive to be a source of strength for the people in our lives. Not a drainage. Oak trees are something that you can lean on. They're a refuge from the sun. They have deep roots that sustain them through a storm. Orchids, on the other hand, they have to be coddled. They need water, but not too much water. They need sunlight, but not too much sunlight. They need the perfect temperature. Not too hot, not too cold. Are you an orchid or an oak tree when it comes to your relationships? Let's just take a minute and be honest as Women, we all can have our dramatic moments. I'm standing here with all of you today and saying, I have my dramatic moments. But orchids are constantly in crisis, or they're always hurt by something someone said, always offended by something someone did or didn't do. Orchids need constant coddling, and this is exhau for their friends. I love Psalm 1 because it reminds me of who I am. Look at this. It says, blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take, or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever they do prospers. That is our goal. We want to be planted, not perfect, just growing stable. All right. The next foundation is vulnerability. There's a lot of talk about vulnerability these days. I think it's because we live in a world where we're constantly sorting out the fake from the authentic. Vulnerability is the key ingredient to deepening your relationships. If you feel like you struggle to connect with people, might I suggest that you haven't risked anything emotionally? Colossians 4. 6 says this. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. I like to say that vulnerability in a relationship is like salt. Not enough vulnerability, and the relationship is bland. Do you have anyone that you work with that you could say, I've worked with them for years, but I don't really know them? That's because connection often comes through vulnerability. Now, too much vulnerability and the relationship can be spoiled. Have you ever been talking to someone and you get that look where you realize that you said too much? One time, I was talking to two of my really close friends about our message. Middle schoolers. And we were just bonding over our shared pain of how we were all. All of our children. Our oldest was in seventh grade. And so one person said something about her daughter's attitude, and another one said something about how their child's mood could just change from minute to minute. And I said, do you ever just imagine punching your kid in the face? And they both went like this. You know, that emoji, the big eyes and the flat mouth. And so I had to recover and say, I mean, I don't. But some of these kids, I could imagine how their parents would. Little bit too far. Sometimes we just share too much too soon. We haven't invested the time needed to build trust and rapport in the friendship. And we can make ourselves seem a little bit crazy. Nobody wants to have a crazy friend. But just the right amount of salt and the flavor of a dish is perfectly enhanced. Shared connection happens. You yell at your kids, too? Same. I do too. You eat ice cream every night. I do, too. Vulnerability is not always about sharing your soul and your struggles. I think that's what we think a lot of times when we hear that word. It can also be about simple things like inviting someone into your home. Have you ever noticed that when you invite someone into your home, how all of a sudden your house looks messy and you just notice every little thing everywhere? That's because you're putting yourself out there. When you bring people into the place that you live, it's about asking for help or cooking a meal for someone. What if they don't like it? I'll just give them a gift card. Some of us need to just give a gift card. Don't feel any pressure if you're the person that needs to give a gift card. But if you can cook and if you have the time, make someone a meal. Because when you do that, it says, I see you. I've been here before. I took time to make a meal for you because I care for you. Giving a gift is another thing that's vulnerable. Praying with somebody, shopping with a friend, and trying on clothes. How many of you ever shopped with a friend that won't come out of the dressing room? Hello. Let me see. Sharing something that you've created and just being able to put yourself out there. You don't know if they're gonna like it or not like it. Here's another big one for me. Exercising with others. When I first started exercising, not that long ago, I felt so exposed. But if you find a gym partner, everything is so much better. Sharing your accomplishments. Well, I don't wanna brag. I'm not saying post on social media that you got a raise, okay? But how can the people in your life be happy for you if you never share anything with them? Remember, just a little bit of salt goes a long way. Never underestimate the power of vulnerability in your relationships. The third foundation is positivity. So every friendship has this secret balancing scale. I read this in a book by a lady named Shasta Nelson, and she says that in order to maintain healthy relationships, you must have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This circles back to the whole idea of being an orchid. Please don't hear me say that you can't have a crisis. Obviously, that's what friends are for, is to come alongside us in crisis. If you've been through a difficult season, maybe you had a really bad breakup, or maybe you have had an ongoing issue in your life like a chronic illness or an unhealthy marriage. Just be aware that you need to pour some positivity into the people who are supporting you. This can be anything. Like maybe a night out where you don't talk about your ex. Or. Or it could be something super simple like a thank you text to the people who are standing there beside you, supporting you through your difficult time. But it's not just crisis that can put a strain on a relationship. Another form of negativity that can cause a huge rift in your relationships is complaining. I know this is a hard one to hear. Does anyone know a woman that nothing is ever good enough for them? You know, the way her family celebrated her for Mother's Day wasn't good enough. Or her children's teachers are just always the worst. Or it's too cold or it's too hot. Or her food wasn't right. Look at this proverb in the passion translation. I love the way it says this. The endless drip, drip, drip from a leaky faucet and the words of a cranky, nagging wife have the same effect. Can you stop the north wind from blowing? Or grasp a handful of oil? That's easier than to stop her from complaining. Ladies, complaining can become such a bad habit. It's like biting your nails and you don't even realize it. And the next thing you know, you have a bleeding finger that nobody wants to shake your hand. Here's another really tough one for me. Gossip. Now, when I'm talking about gossip, I'm not talking about processing, okay? There's a huge difference between processing something that you're going through with a trusted friend and gossiping. There are times where I'm dealing with a situation and I need to talk it through. That's great. That's what friends are for. When I say gossip, I'm talking about. Do you remember one of my favorite movies is Steel Magnolias? If you've never seen that movie, it's old, but you need to see it. It's a classic. But there's this scene at the Christmas party where Clary says to Truvy, if you can't say anything nice, come sit by me. That's funny. But gossip is so dangerous, we don't realize how detrimental it is to our relationships. Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors, says that we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hotwire connection. She teaches that gossip is actually counterfeit connection. It feels like you're connecting by putting someone else down. But deep down, I know that if she will talk about her to me, she will talk about me. Look at these proverbs. I have them in my notes here somewhere. Proverbs 20:19. Just listen. A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid anyone who talks too much. Proverbs 26:22 says, the words of a gossip are like choice morsels. They go down to the inmost parts. You see, gossip feels good when I'm talking about someone, laughing about someone else. It's funny. It feels good in the moment. But when I walk away from a conversation where I've been talking about someone, a lot of times I feel all the wrong emotions. I feel guilt, I feel fear, I feel shame. And all of those emotions lead to emptiness and sometimes even loneliness. We have got to push ourselves to have real conversations with our friends. It's easier to talk about someone else, about their problems, about their rude children, about the mistakes that they're making, about their marriage. It's so much easier to do that than to actually be vulnerable. And remember, vulnerability is where the connection happens. That's the true connection. Speaking of positivity, your friend wants to feel like you are on her side. I like to give advice. Does anyone else like to give advice? And my husband is always telling me, holly, most of the time people don't want advice, they want affirmation. And what he means by this is when someone comes to you and they have something that they're processing through, they want you to listen. 90% of the time, they've already decided what they're going to do. Being affirming doesn't mean that you always have to agree, but what it means is I support you no matter what. So when your friend is telling you about a decision, instead of automatically jumping to, well, if I were you, just highlight what they are doing right? And if you can't even do that, affirm your love for them. There may be the rare occasion that you do need to advise, but advice is also like salt. Use it sparingly. Nobody wants to have a friend that they feel like is always telling them what they need to do. Remember, the same holy spirit that lives in you lives in her. He can handle the advice. You just make her feel like you believe in her and that you will be by her side the whole way. All Right. Let's review so I know that you're with me. The first foundation is stability. We are an oak tree, not an orchid. The second foundation is vulnerability. We have to risk emotionally in order to go deeper with our relationships. Our third foundation was positivity. Remember, five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Now, that doesn't mean that you keep a score pad like an Excel spreadsheet. It's just a guide for you to remember you need to have more positive than negative in your relationships. The fourth foundation is intentionality. Have you ever noticed that it's the smallest things in life that make you feel connected to another person? I heard it said this way before. Just like, you know, the three laws of real estate are location, location, location. The three laws of relationship are observation, observation, observation. The people who give life to us notice us. Like when somebody brings you your drink from Starbucks. Or one time, my boys happened to be on the same baseball team, and their team made it to the championship game, and several of our friends came just to watch them play. And then on top of that, my friend Jamie brought her portable grill and grilled hot dogs for everyone. These are the small moments that build our relationships. Have you ever noticed that sometimes the most thoughtful gift from a friend means more to you than a really expensive one? Let's just talk about gifts for a second, because I love gifts. And you know why gifts are so hard sometimes? Because a good gift speaks to the person who's receiving it. A good gift says, I know you. One time my friend Rachel wrote me this little card that said, thanks for teaching me that bacon grease is the key ingredient to cooking vegetables. And then she gave me this little spoon holder that said, rest in grease. A good gift says, I was listening to you. One time I mentioned in passing that I would love to have a barred owl house. We talked about the barred owl last week. You know that I would like to have a house for my barred owl. And so a few of my friends got together at Christmas time and got me one. I don't have an owl living in it yet, but I check it regularly and I will let you know if one takes up residence. A good gift says, you are valuable. To me, it takes a little bit of vulnerability to give a good gift because what if they don't like it? Yeah, but that's what vulnerability is, right? It's risking. Because what if they do like it? It's going to make your connection with them even stronger. Now, this is not an excuse for you to give your friends a hard time because they don't know that you like a tall half calf soy latte with one pack of sugar in the roll. This is an opportunity for you to be intentional with the ones that you love. We feel noticed when a friend takes the time out of their busy schedule to drive four hours to a funeral of a loved one or when they check on us because we miss a weekend at church. Noticing was the ministry of Jesus. He saw others that people didn't see. He saw Zacchaeus in the tree. He healed people that others walked by every day. Like the man at the Pole of Bethesda. He reached out and touched the man with leprosy. Small touches make the biggest differences. If you want to deepen a relationship, you are going to have to be intentional about it. Stop waiting for someone to notice you and start notic the people around you and our last foundation of friendship is generosity. Generosity in friendship means assuming the best about the ones that you love most. Let's go back to our passage in Colossians 3, but let's read it in a different version. This is the NLT version, and it says this make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. I love that wording. Make allowances for others faults. She didn't intentionally leave me out. She's just unorganized and forgetful. She says hurtful things because she's a hurting person. She talks without thinking. She would never intentionally say something that she knew would hurt me. Or maybe she hasn't called or texted because she's busy, not because she's mad at me. Generosity means understanding that we all have faults. We all make mistakes, and most of the time the ones we love most are not intentionally trying to hurt us. The problem that I have is when I make a mistake, I expect grace to be extended to me. But yet so many times I can be stingy when it's my turn to extend it to my friend. When I say something blunt or rude, I think, well, she knows I didn't mean it. But when someone else is rude to me, then I get hurt. Proverbs 19:11 says, A person's wisdom yields patience. It is to one's glory to overlook an offense. I like to call this Mastering the Art of Overlooking. Overlooking doesn't mean that I pretend it didn't happen. It doesn't mean that you don't set up boundaries when someone continually hurts you it means that I am making a conscious decision not to be offended. On the regular on my good days, I want to be the kind of woman who is generous with grace to the people that I love. Grace means I understand that not everyone is like me. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have different ways that we see and respond to the world around us. And just because she didn't react or respond the way I would have doesn't make her a mean and spiteful person. Grace means that I look beyond my pain and I'm able to see her pain. I am going to clothe myself in love. I am going to extend the same grace to my friends that Jesus has given me. Hey, thanks for watching. I hope that that encouraged you today. Make sure that you subscribe so that you don't miss out on other videos like this, and I'll see you back here next time.