Small Talk Big Ideas - David Morrison - The Optimised Dad

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Talk Big Ideas podcast, a podcast to.

Enrich your soul where we have conversations with inspiring people about all things property, business and life. And now, the host of Small Talk Big Ideas, Ian Yegarte. Hey, welcome to Small Talk Big Ideas. And today I talk to David Morrison from the Optimized Dad. He's a former former executive tile corporate style worker who realized that maybe life was much more than actually the nine to five grind. And a specialise in helping fathers to get their full output out of life by integrating their life with children and getting a work life balance. Please enjoy today's podcast and if you like, please subscribe and follow us on all the social media outlets. And we've got David Morrison here, executive worker in the past, but completely change. He's now the founder of the Office Optimized dad movement. Welcome David.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Great to be here.

Tell us what about the movement's about. Tell us before we get into your life, how did it come about? What's it about?

Okay, so in essence, it came about through doing a lot of coaching and working with men in different capacity. And I started to see some common themes and traits as to why they just weren't having happiness in their life. Bottom line, like, everyone wants to have happiness. Like no one wants to walk around angry crank. And this common thread that I saw for a lot of men was they weren't, they had a real lack of standards and living in integrity in their life and they weren't making the best use of who they were as an individual. And that's like kryptonite for a man. And ironically when I started looking at that and coming from a corporate career where they use the word optimized ad nauseam across every kind of business, vertical or channel, I actually like googled it and optimize meant to make the best use of. I was on Wikipedia or dictionary or whatever and I was like, right, okay, well that's my name. I mean, I'm not a marketing expert at all, but they always talk about you should try and use language that connects with your audience and all that kind of stuff. But it did really hit home for me going, right, well, if I can help more men make the best use of who they are so they're not just letting themselves just wither on the vine of life or whatever you want to call it then. Well, I knew that when I did help men do that, that transferred into greater sense of confidence and certainty which allowed them to lead more in their life. In their marriage and with their kids. So I'll stop there because that's just really the genesis.

I mean, so you've distinguished the fact dad, I mean, the word dad is in your movement. So do you work with men that aren't fathers?

I certainly do. I just, I narrowed that focus down there just because I'm a dad. I've got three daughters. And that in itself is. There's a fair bit of stuff you can help people with. And I was like, right, well, I'm going to just maybe just nail down onto dads, because that in itself is a pretty big journey. And I thought from a halo perspective. And I do attract men that are maybe about to become a dad, for instance. So it's in there in their sphere of influence or whatever you might call it. But yeah, I certainly do, absolutely, 100%.

Because I often talk about this. You know, you obviously have a whole bunch of women that led movement and they do women only things to the extent where sometimes you can almost argue that it's politically incorrect to do that. You know, the, the, the men's baths at Clovelly as an example in Sydney, you know, they weren't allowed to have women in there. And obviously, of course, no, you can't do that. But now we've got gyms that are women only gyms and you've got only. Yeah. And so you think, okay, well, I understand the complexity of that, but I often see a lot of.

Women in particular that focus on women only education events or women only groups. And I look at it from the perspective of, you know, what if you've got a high feminine energy and you actually do actually like being around women because they've also got high feminine energies. So aren't you just isolating 50% of your marketplace now? You're very niche, obviously, niche within the fact that you're 50%. And then of that, the fathers of that too. What was the catalyst for you to decide? I think I can help other fathers.

The catalyst for me was when I started to see, when I started to solve some of my own challenges as a dad, particularly how I was so troubled in myself that I had these beautiful young kids, but yet I was so frustrated and angry every day, and they're the embodiment of love, yet all I was doing was just spewing my own anger and frustration onto them. And I was just like, this has got to stop. Like, but why, why are they getting that from me now? That the catalyst of that was there was like, you know, we all know the power of leverage takes some. Sometimes you can have a massive smack in the face and you go, right, shit needs to change. Mine was a lot of smacks in the face. There's certainly, like, moments where your kids. You picture your kids starting to play out some of your behavior patterns that are coming from your own insecurities, your kids. And that's pretty like, I'm grateful that I had that level of awareness. To see that and go, right, that's not cool. And then I saw my wife and myself, Lisa, and our relationship. I was. I caught myself blaming her. I caught myself.

Not understanding her. Her level of questions and uncertainty she had in her life was not her picking on me all the time. She just need to know what the fuck was going on. And I didn't know how to admit that I didn't know what the fuck was going on. So that probably happened when the kids, my first two kids were aged around about 2 to 4. And look sitting in the background, man, like, I had some massive substance abuse stuff going on, like just holding it all together. If this is not the right forum, you just tell me, no, mate, you go feel it.

I'd even like you to go down to the type of substance abuse you were in.

Yeah, absolutely. So I was doing everything and anything.

My substance abuse evolution started in mid-20s with a lot of clubbing, a lot of ecstasy, because that I had externally very confident person, but internally extremely insecure. And that allowed me to connect to a social group because you felt valued, right? And I didn't have that anywhere else. And so then you form a habit, becomes an addiction. And that was. That was a. That was not a daily thing, but it was a weekend thing where my weekends would just disappear. And it allowed me to, you know, sex, relationships, got me validated, all those other kind of things.

Then I moved more into still heavily drinking, but more cocaine abuse when I was working in the PR industry. Probably no big surprise if you worked in the PR industry particularly. I happen to work in music and sport, which is a pretty good epicenter for it. And that was more.

Maintaining the facade of this is who I'm supposed to be for success, because you're surrounded by other people that were doing the same kind of thing. Then that continued to get worse and worse as I moved to London for three years to work in more pr, which was not the greatest place to go to for when you're living that kind of mindset, headspace. But that's where I met my wife, Lisa. And, you know, I brought those habits back home with me. And they probably got worse and worse as I struggled to understand my own personal, my own emotions and my own feelings and usually from a huge amount of lack of self worth. And that was huge amount, then massive amounts of anxiety and stress. And the only way I knew how to dull that down was alcohol and drugs because I couldn't process it, intellectualize it or express it because more ashamed and embarrassment, but still holding in a multiple six figure job.

Yeah. And so how did you, how did you kick the, you know, the, the major use of it? I mean, I don't know whether you've still got minor use or not, but how did you kick it?

No, I kicked was a gradual process. Like it was not like, bang, it's done. I started just to get healthy again, to be honest. I used to be really, really healthy, but I just let it go for so long. And I found more pride and personal satisfaction in the discipline I built through becoming very, very fit. Ironically, what that did was it removes a lot of fog, right? Like as in the fog of alcohol, drugs, bad food and all that kind of stuff, the sedation, if you want to call it for better part of a word. So then you start to see clearer, but then the frustration doubles down because you can see the destination. And now you just sabotaging yourself even more and more and more and you're like going, what the fuck is going on here? Like, I know I can be having this. Everyone's telling me this, but yet I am still carrying on this way. I'm doing this. I have these patterns. I keep running and running and running. And then eventually, like, you know, you have a bit of an eruption or a blowout because you haven't been able to process it all. So that took me a few years, to be honest. And when I say like a few years, by the back end of it, it was like maybe once a year I'd had some kind of like head fuck blowout. Whereas now, like, it's been a couple of years. Like, I don't know the exact date, but it's been like two years.

So did you start to wind down and get fit before the kids?

No, no, no, no. So like I'd gotten married and things, things slid faster downhill because I wasn't coping with the expectation. I mean, I was doing an interview about this the other day. Like, you go from being a man, a dad, a man husband and a dad in nine months. Now you believe you prepared for it based on the story that you tell yourself about. Well.

I wanted to be A dad, partly because family is something that I'm passionate about. But yeah, like, my upbringing wasn't. I didn't have. I had a great upbringing. Right. Nothing bad happened to me. Well, actually, that's a live one. Another, something not so great happened a long time ago when I was 13. But my parents are awesome. They got divorced, all that kind of stuff. Like, you know, 53% of marriages in the 80s ended in divorce. So if you're 46, 47, you're probably coming from some kind of dysfunctional family unit, which had an impact on, particularly men, I believe, more than women. So the, yeah, the whole moving into kids thing, like, yeah, I thought I was going to be. Yep, 100% all prepared for it. And then it just, it had just imploded and it actually got worse. Like, you know, more. More crap food. Like, I had no relationship with good food, no nothing. As long as I was earning good money, then that was my excuse to let everything else slide, basically.

So, I mean, 80% of our makeup is, you know, ingrained by the age 6, some say 8 years old. And so you're watching your parents parent you that then correct style. And then the other 20% is probably perceptions and lies to yourself as well. And I'll give you one example. I was doing, like, going through a whole process of understanding where all of these emotions or anger or whatever was coming from. And the. She said to me, the therapist said to me, so let's go back to a time where your father hit you. So I had started my fatherhood as a. As an authoritarian and I. I went back to a point where dad had smacked me. I couldn't for the life of me if I can think of one time where he'd laid a finger on me. And so, yeah, then I had to stop in the middle of that session, went outside and I rang my brother and I said, my brother's nine years older than me. Do you remember dad hitting me? And he goes, nah, dad used to belt the out of me. But he never laid a finger on you once. And I went back, I had to apologize to my father because here I am parenting my children the way that I think he was parenting and not that I was consciously doing it. Did you have any of those situations where, you know, you go, oh, that was my dad. That just came out then?

Yeah, predominantly more because my mum raised my brother and I. What I see now you start to. So my. I still see my dad ironically, even though I don't. I have very little contact with him. And we have a great relationship. It's whatever. There are still things that he does that, even though I've not been around him, that are just ingrained like that. Very, very freaky with, with my mum, you know, single mum, raising, raising two boys by herself in Sydney, you know, massive amount of scarcity, massive amount of fear, working three or four jobs, trying to pay rent, send your kids to school. So I, I, I saw a lot of that constantly playing out of me. Like, fear of job security, fear, which is like, you know, a poisonous thing for a man to have that pattern running all the time, right? And, and her, she, she always had a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety and the stress. And so like that's, that's something that I've, you know, it's still actively work to push out, to push out. Like it's a lot better than it used to be. Is it 100% gone? No, like it comes up like sometimes and you gotta be able to have good process or a pattern to catch it and go, right, that's not like, maybe I'll call a friend, whatever, just interrupt the pattern. So it's more catching myself. Not overreacting to situations is an overlying theme that don't require it. Because then we all know that creates a negative anchor with kids because they go, right, well I was just doing something pretty random and, and here's this person who I, who's the center of my universe and you're losing your shit at me. What the fuck's that all about?

Yeah, yeah. And then that's adding to their patterns in the future as well, you know, so totally.

Because then they'll go, right, well, I was myself in this situation and the people that really love me, that I'm center of my universe, reacted really badly. So then they go, right, well, oh, I don't want to speak up or I feel funny if people laugh at me. And you see it happening in your kids now, like they're creating little patterns. So then we've got to re coach them and re coach them, talk to them, get them to reframe what they're doing. Not using that language, obviously, because their eyes glaze over when I start talking that way just like, dad, please, not for the coaching.

So just quickly, I've got a little theory here. So.

A guy that I used to employ years ago, he was very worldly, actually fought in the second World War. And with the amount of loss of life that they had in men's lives because of the war, when they all got back to the uk they fed the mercury tablets and the reason they gave them mercury tablets was because the mercury tablets, the male is the gender picker. XY chromosome that would stop the amount of males that were being born and there would be more females. And the idea was to repopulate. We need more females where multiple men could inject multiple females. Right.

Yeah.

So then I started doing a little bit more research and you know, you've got three daughters and iron men always have more daughters, high mercury levels. And I have four daughters. Right. So, you know, I started doing the research. Now, as it turns out, it wasn't because of my fitness. My dad being a plumber, used to get the towns gas in Sydney, used to pour out the mercury out of the gas meter and bring it home for me to play with on the kitchen bench. Right. So like highly toxic. And I used to play with this stuff and here I have, with four daughters, I went. That makes perfect sense. Like now, you know, so what's your mercury excuse?

I don't know. Well, I was relying on the one that I certainly wasn't fit when I was having kids. I was fit when I had the third one. Yeah. I don't know. Like I just always, once I had one daughter, I was like, I just know I'm going to be that guy that has a lot of daughters. Look, I. The way that I reframe it. No, not that it needs reframing. They're your kids. Right. But I just go, right, well, I've got those women in my life because.

I need to be an example to them about what a loving, caring man is and what a loving relationship is. And so they've just been. I've got. What's the word for it? I've got designs on what my life can be and what I can do with it. And so I look at those three girls and my wife, that they're in my life to hold me accountable to what that is.

Right. And so, you know, for me, I look at it exactly the same way. I would hate for my daughters to be in a relationship with a guy that I was even six months ago, you know, and it's just this evolution of.

Your kids just want to feel safe, that's what they want.

Yep.

And when you're an angry man, they don't feel safe.

Cranky. Cranky dad syndrome is a diagnosed condition.

Yeah. And the irony, actually, the irony for me, and I know about for you, was that every time at the birth, the first three, we didn't find out what the gender was in the last one. We did want to find out, but the ultrasound lady got it wrong and thought we didn't want to find out. So she says, I think it's a girl. But every time at every birth, even the last one, I still expected a male to come out. And there was nothing wrong with it. Like I just went, 10 fingers, 10 toes. There's just one appendage missing. I'm okay with it. You know, it's just interesting how it's play with stuff like that. Tell me, can we.

Yeah.

Would you want a son?

Yeah. Really good question. So I, I actually used to run a story in my head which I don't run anymore. And this is when I had a really low opinion of myself that I actually wasn't a son coming into the son wouldn't come into the world because I actually wasn't man enough to raise him is what I used to tell myself. Which is a fucking horrible story to run.

It's almost as if you have to be. To bring a man into this world, you actually have to be softer. You have to be the opposite way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and that's what I I reef. I eventually like got that out of my head. But I did run that for a while, right. I was just like, as I would have more daughters as, as one of them's trying to get into the room right now.

Breaking in. Yeah. Oh, lettering. Okay. Yeah.

You know you've, you're fully broken.

Okay.

This is Summer.

Hello, Summer. How are you?

Say hi.

Big smile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been on lots of zoom calls and interviews. So this is Summer. She's nearly two. She's very busy. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The other two are, the other two are much more easily occupied versus she is busy and she's very, very in love with dad.

Right.

And wants to see me all the time.

Eat your blueberries.

You're eating blueberries.

So tell me.

Yeah, yeah.

How did you transfer from corporate, what you're doing now?

Yep, that's a good story as well. That's a really good story. So one day I was out to breakfast with a mate of mine and.

I'd been, I've been like wanting to get out of full time corporate for a while. I don't know whether, Look, I was 40, so yeah, maybe I was at that age where I was kind of like I could be doing other things with my life. And I think this generation that we live in has been is an interesting one because there's obviously an Overload of information about, hey, you can go out there and do it all. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, everyone's selling the yacht, right. I had a good friend of mine that we were out having breakfast one morning and I'd already built up. My wife and I had built up a couple of, like, little side businesses that were bringing us an income. And he was like, he's an accountant. He just kind of went through our numbers. He's like, well, technically, there's nothing stopping you resigning today. Based on what he told me, it's only the security. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then I just walked into work and resigned. So that was about two and a half years ago.

That's pretty similar. That's pretty similar to what happened to me.

Oh, really?

Well, yeah, working with a life business coach and Christine and I together, and Christine says, I just need to go to the bathroom. And by the time Christine had got back from the bathroom, I'd already resigned. Like, it was done, you know, because you held onto this security. What if, what if, what if? Now I had a bit of a buffer because I had long service that I could take and I took it half pay just to make sure it was right for me. Did you do something similar?

Yeah, I did. Look, I mean, I, you know what, my.

My stepping out of, like, let's call it paye, right. World to entrepreneur world is an interesting case in when we remove ourselves out of a security. And I think it's a cautionary tale for a lot of people that go out there into business as well for themselves. It's like, you know, I went out and then, you know, the realization of, like, right, this is all sitting on me right now. Like, I took on all the pressure, Everything, everything. And under pressure, just like in sport, you know, your skill level gets shown up.

Yep.

And not only your skill level, you know, for me, you know, what got shown up for me was like, you know, I, you know, I touched on it before, like, you know, when I was much younger, you know, I was abused as a child by someone I worked for. I had a second job at school. And unfortunately that was, you know, it wasn't a great situation for me, but I'd compartmentalize that for 30 years, like, literally. And leaving corporate world just brought all that up because of the pressure that I was putting myself under. You, you can't hold that. You can't bottle that stuff in anymore. It just comes out, right? Yep. And. And that was basically, you know, getting like, suppose. What do you call it? Diagnosed with ptsd and that then led me. Everything's a gift, right? And I've reframed that as a gift as, like. As much as I would not wish it on anyone else. And I do say that, like, you can be all really positive about stuff, but it sucks. Like, it's not cool to happen, right? You can sit there and open up books and go, it's the most beautiful thing ever. And it's gave me this gift and strength, but it wasn't. However, I've chosen to give it a meaning that allows me to keep moving forward, not looking back in anger and frustration, because that's where you're completely fucked. Jump into your team.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a year ago, we did a Facebook Live. I was doing these Facebook lives while we were jogging, and Darren was filming it all in. And it was exactly that point. You know, those people where you're feeling down, just think positive. And, you know, I came up with the analogy, like. Like, you know, I've got my. I got my ball sack stuck in a vise, tightened up as hard as I can. What's. What's the positive? Well, at least I don't need a vasectomy. Come on, give me some fucking. That's bullshit. It's just such bullshit, you know? Yeah. But like you said, you can reframe and look at it in a different perspective, because if it wasn't for that, you wouldn't be who you are today.

Absolutely. Yeah. And that really started me on the deeper path of, like. Well, I went to heal myself first.

Because I was hurt, and that was that that moment was connected to a lot of the drugs and a lot of the alcohols and a lot of the patterns and behaviors I had because of what that did to my. My head and, you know, my mind and my heart. Right. About who I was as a person as a boy, then as a young man. So then that path of learning more about, like, Right, okay, well, I can. I can choose what this now means. I can learn how to, you know, through healing and all that kind of stuff, let go of. Because I had a lot of anger and a lot of hurt that I had to let go of because it was just my family was getting it. I was. I was. I was punishing myself through alcohol and drugs that way, and that wasn't going to end well. So I. That. That process then meant I did all that. And then I actually, obviously, like, you know, once you have a great experience doing something. Well, not obviously it's my experience, but I then learned. Okay, right. Well, I Know, I'm not alone a in this. This.

Struggle for men today is significant about who they are and how to be a man and how that then impacts their life, parenting and marriage, et cetera. I think I wrote an article about ages ago, I called it the Clio Effect. Like we all remember Clio magazine.

Yeah.

And they were, you know, in the 80s, it was all about sensitive new age guys. Right. Snags. Right. It was about this bringing men out of the Neanderth to be able to emotionally connect. And there was this huge swing because if you weren't this way, majority of people weren't going to get in a relationship, they weren't going to get laid, they weren't going to have a family. Just basic things that men crave. And then when you have the other swing of, and rightly so, women are having more equality and more recognition of who they are. You just have this complete depolarization of people that don't. No one knows how to lead or when or if they do lead.

They are cast in this shadow or this picture of them being misogynistic, whatever it is. And then women are told that they must lead and must be independent, but they're doing that also at the sacrificing of understanding what their true femininity is. And so then they can't really. All they attract into their life is these incredibly feminine men because they actually can't experience any femininity at any depth of level.

Yeah. And then we then the kicker.

Yeah, and sorry, go on, give me the kicker then.

The kicker is they. You attract those people as a husband and wife. But then the pressure of parenting, family and all that stuff gets applied to that pressure cooker. And then, and you probably know like, when we're under our, when we're under our extreme pressure, we always revert back to who we were at our core that we haven't truly evolved from because we're full of a lot of people that are saying they've evolved, but under pressure they haven't evolved. And that's one of the big issues. And like, that was my own personal experience. My wife was. Is a massive alpha female. I've had to, I've had to grow more into the man to allow her because she doesn't want to be an alpha female. But it doesn't mean she's not a person that has respect for herself and is a incredible human being just because she likes to have fun and drink champagne on the weekend.

Yeah.

Like that's her favorite thing to do.

Yeah. So I mean David, the work, the work we've done with David Data is exactly about that. It's actually about being able to sit in your energy, whether it be your masculine energy or whether it be feminine and you, when you turn it off and turn it on and really it's truly about being back in your essence of who you are. And you know, during, we did some intensive three day and five day courses and in there we had, you know, he decided to go 14 males and 14 females. And in that group there was a whole bunch of, there was actually two in particular that had a high feminine energy male that happened to be brought up by a single mother. So there was, there was the impact of that that came into the relationship as well. So it's really interesting aspect how, how we all evolve and look at things differently.

So is that. So have you found that you've been able to learn how to balance masculine and feminine or is it that you had to grow your masculine or.

Oh, I had to probably more grow my masculine because I had my feminine energy. I describe as I was very good at women, felt found me very approachable, always have and can feel safe in my energy and have very, very deep connected conversations. Right. And however that's awesome in terms of meeting people but when you get into a relationship where like everything like if there is, if there is no direction, if there is no momentum or growth and look and those sayings get thrown around in the world of personal development a lot but they are true. There is no, there's nothing that you're working towards or connecting now that takes. That's a dance and it's a dance where you both lead at some point in time but it's understand like having an understanding of each other's time. When my wife me developing my skills to go, Lisa's struggling today, she doesn't want to lead for shit. I've got to step into that and I've also got to understand she might react a little bit weird to that. She might have a bit of a crazy bitch moment I call them. But I don't need to take that as her being a crazy bitch at me. She's just getting something out of her head. So I've got to be a bit stronger in that moment.

Yeah.

So sometimes the, the masculinity is just being like, you know, like being a, like think of a big oak tree just standing there strong and a woman, a woman's energy is that feminine storm and you've got to sit there and weather it for them and Then they'll.

And all the movement happens.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah. All the movement happens in the leaves. That's the feminine. I mean there's actually one of the, one of the most beautiful moments in my life was actually a David Data event. And it was on the last day of an intensive and I asked that question because I, I'm misinterpreted what had been said in the previous two days about being masculine and feminine. So here I am, I'm like, I've stood on stage with some incredibly masculine women and the reason that that act worked is because I've had, I've been in my feminine at that those times being a stage, because if we, if I went in my masculine, we would have butted heads.

Weird. Yeah, yeah.

And so my question was, how could I possibly be, you know, in the middle of interaction of sex with my wife and break down in my femininity and cry and, you know, why don't she not trust me then? And he then went through this whole process long, like 15 minute answer, as David Data does. But basically his answer, his answer was, you know, in the 50s and 60s there was the housewife and that relationship was he went to work, he came home, the slippers came to him, all the dinner was cooked and whatever and that role was really clear. And then we went into the progressive of the feminists then starting to kick into the point where the equality came. And now at the point where the things that masculine people do is, you know, organize holidays, you know, ordering the dates, the vacation, the hotels and all is a complete masculine energy. Yet the majority of 20, 25 year olds nowadays in a relationship, the women are doing all of that and the men are standing in the background. And so he said that he's seeing more and more the work that he's doing with couples is based on the basis that they're starting to learn to flip in and out of their masculine feminine according to the time of day that they're in, whether they be in bed or whether they're off to work, you know, so do you find a lot of what are the type of people that you work with and do you find that that's an issue for them?

Yeah, absolutely. So I work with men from all different, you know, careers, industries, business owners to self employed are working for someone else. Right. So they all sit in a different kind of values level, sort of space. And look, a lot of it is who I work with as a product, product of the message I put out there, of course, but I do Find that they are usually confused and angry because they are behaving. It's like their relationship in their life is a bit of a car crash and they can see it happening and it's Groundhog Day constantly and constantly and constantly. But they don't have the skills to do it. And the very fact that they don't have the answers makes them feel. Get more angry at themselves because they feel stupid, they feel inept. And then in the background, obviously their wife has just had enough and she's just taking charge of things. And so there is this kind of thing like I'm. And then when you have in the background, like maybe their career and their life is not going where they want it to be. So there's these multiple levels of failing. So what I see mostly with these guys is helping them shift in. Firstly to move out of the boy and into the man. And, you know, when you think about masculine and masculine, there is masculine boy, masculine man, right. And the, the getting them to understand that, you know, where their ego plays a part in this as a, as an individual. And that if they're trying to progress forward in their relationship, they need to make some. They need to, they need to get some really deep education about how to make that happen based on what they want to see happen. Like, if you don't want the relationship, if you don't want the happy family, then I don't. Can't really help them. But when they're like, this is where things are at. Like, one of my classic, you know, messages used to be around, like, you know, are you housemates with your wife right now? Are you inconvenient housemates? Basically, 90% of people are. It's just a fact. They didn't want to get there, but they arrive there under the weight of sleep deprivation and societal pressure to make marriage work. You just arrive there and it's. And it's a shit place to be. And then people feel trapped. And then when you feel trapped, you know, when we don't feel like we have options, all the other kind of emotions start coming up. Right? So, yeah, I mean, like they, they, they're all experiencing a level of frustration and anger, drifting back into that, like, you know, immature boy versus understanding how to step into things. Now, a lot of them have also had in the past, so their partners won't trust them a lot because they have done the gambling, they've done the drugs, done the alcohol, whatever. It could be infidelities, right? So there's always a, there's typically some kind of Breakdown and trust as well, which, you know, takes time to repair and bring back.

Yep. And it's, you know, that's happened with my daughters too, you know, that, you know, previous behavior, it takes taken years and years and sometimes things happen quickly.

It's from you.

Yeah. For them to trust me because of who I was and where I'm at now and continuing to move forward as well. What's your view? I mean, you obviously came from parents who didn't stay together. What's your view on that now? Should people stay together?

No, I don't think. Oh look, I don't believe people should stay together. Only arriving at that point after you've, you know, you know, you can look at yourself in the mirror and go, did we give this 100%?

I look at my parents situation and, and they are proctor that era where you kind of got. Once you got married, you had kids and for what? Like my dad was going to Vietnam, my mum was a nurse. Like you like, it was a pretty, like pretty crazy time. And I don't even know how they got married because they couldn't be any further from two people you'd think haven't together. So they definitely, you know, didn't belong together. But I don't, I mean, I look at, look at what happened to them as like I have to look at it as a, as a positive because it's given me, you know, a drive and an ambition to do, to serve and help other people and also in my own relationship. So like with people, do they. Should they stay together? I don't believe so because I mean, ultimately, like, if you've got kids, like your ultimate obligation is obviously to yourself to be living from a place of love and compassion and whatever and at highest intention. Right. As an individual. But if you've, if you've actively brought children in the world, you have a responsibility to, you know, show up each day in the best possible way. And if that means that, you know, you guys come to the point where you've given 100%, like, and I, you know, coach guys through this, just like there's a, there's a process to work through. If you have, if you, if they're talking about splitting up and I go, well, can you honestly tell me you've given this 100% in the last six months or 12 months? And they all say no, I'll say, well, are you willing to walk away on somebody that you know that you haven't given 100% to? Like and what, and you find out what's been stopping them from giving 100% and all that kind of stuff. And it's usually stories and ego and blame and all that stuff.

And, you know, clear all that out. And it's like, right, okay, well, what has always been your highest intention with this? And they get really clear. Then it's like, right, well, you've got to like, this is now your turn to be a leader.

Right.

And with leadership, it can be a lonely game. Sometimes you can go for a long walk and no one is behind you because that's. Because they're probably trying to build trust with you again and get certainty in who you are.

So give it 100%. Now, that doesn't mean you take shit from people. Like, if your wife's a horrible human being, it's just like, hey, don't throw plates at me. Don't whatever. Like, you know, like. But It's. You give 100%. Now, if someone gets to the. Gets to that point, they've done that for, like 12 months. They've done everything. Then when they do decide to move forward, they can do it in a place of, like, gave it 100%. We. We've grown. There's probably a better relationship there that's going to allow them to do it from a place of, like, love and compassion versus anger and. And frustration and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah. So I was watching a documentary on the weekend, Jim Carrey, when he was playing the. The comedian on man on man on the Moon. And he actually stayed in character for that entire time. And during the documentary, he came up with a quote which actually posted on Facebook just this weekend. And it said.

You can fail at something you don't love, so you may as well do something you do love that. There's really no choice.

Yeah.

Do you love. Do you love doing what you do?

Yeah. Yeah.

Why?

Yeah, it's why I love seeing. I'm really like, want to see the. The generational shift that can take place right now in families is. Is. Is like right now. And when I know that I've impacted that marriage and that. Or that dad and that man and how he. I know how he's now showing up at home and the relationship he's having with his kids, I can see into the future what a positive impact that's going to have on their lives. And that, that, like that moment or that interaction, I know, creates a massive impact, just not only that family, but in everybody. Because I get it in feedback and stories and, you know, like, let alone it's the kids and the wives talking about how they've changed. It's their broader family because they've all of a sudden now been able to have that conversation with their parents and heal that relationship. So instead of, you know, his parents arriving on their deathbed in 40 years and they've never spoken, they've created this incredible relationship. So, you know, I enjoy it because, you know, it allows me to be me.

It allows me to continually dive deeper into who I am as a person because, like there's always, you know, onion lays to peel back.

And that onion's massive. You know, I suppose when you get down to the last skin on the onion, you're a Buddha sitting on the side of the hill. Really.

Yeah, totally. Like, you're just like, I've reached the Zen moment of just total. I'm just pure consciousness. I don't even exist anymore.

That's right.

I'm just matter floating in the air.

It's interesting to watch Jim Carrey go through that process. And I mean, if you get a chance to watch that documentary because it was probably it's day Jim and Dave, I think they call it's on Netflix. And because he stayed in character the whole time, he actually had this whole basis of happiness because he was acting out. Exactly. He was actually channeling. And then when the movie stopped, he went back to Jim Carrey and his life went, oh, look, I'm. I'm now surrounded by a set of dogmas that I have to relate to and be part of and set by the rules. So here's the. Here's the whole. Here's everyone going, this guy is nut bags and crazy. Jim and Andy. It's called. What's. What's the other bit of it? Yeah, Jim and Andy. The great.

What's it say? The great. The great Beyond Official trailer. So. Oh, no, that's not it. That's the movie. Yeah. So it's the. It's the trailer for. It's. It's Jim and Andy. So it's a really great.

It's on Netflix.

Yeah, it's on Netflix. And it's really interesting just to watch him talk about it and, and how he played this one character and then he became unhappy when he was back in his own life again. And that was really. I think that's when he got in contact with Havti Eker and then started to realize that he was a person that was named Jim. But who is he really? And that's where it all. And people think he's nut bags, but he's Actually just woken up a little bit and thought, holy crap, there's something so much more out there.

And it's often with those people, right, that when I say those people, like he's a, he's an actor, he has a, you know, an incredible energy and the capacity to project that and manifest it in lots of different ways for movies and all that kind of stuff. Stuff you often find with those people, like when they, when they're able to like, you know, either evolve out of that. I see them step into this space with like such clarity because they can just, they're just accessing something so deep within side themselves that they've been effectively manipulating for what they do for work. But now it's just like, well, I'm not manipulating anything. Like this is just 100% who I am. But now I'm actually, you know, using it in a way where I'm impacting people on such a deeper level. But yeah, no, he's a fascinating dude. He's crazy. Crazy.

And to that extent you probably think, and it happens to me too, where, you know, I'm standing on a stage or someone asks me a question, I go, how the fuck am I going to answer this? And it just comes out and you go, where the fuck does that come from? And your coaching, no doubt has had a number of those moments.

Yeah, absolutely. Like, I think one of the things that I learned.

And this is the beautiful thing right about I don't really call it human evolution or whatever is, but just learning to trust yourself more. And yes, I've done all the hundreds and hundreds of hours of qualification and work and all that kind of stuff. So I can say that I've got all that stuff. But the reality is like once you get into anything and you do hundreds and hundreds of hours of practical work with people, you see all the commonalities, you see all the patterns. Then there's this thing that I got coached when was around about. But yeah, just like not never overthinking your response.

In whatever the situation is. Like, I mean I coach clients that are like incredibly successful people. Like, you know, they've got multi, multi million dollar companies. And ironically they've come to me because they're a cranky dad. And then one of them said to me the other day, he's just like, you know, I came to you because I was a cranky dad, but you've actually helped fix my business.

And I kind of know like it's not a Trojan horse at all. But I usually know, particularly if it's a business owner and they're cranky. There will be some relationship stuff going on, but I usually then follow the trail back to their business. And especially if you've built your business, your capacity to elevate yourself and delegate will determine your level of crankiness. I've seen this common thread, because when you're a. When you're an area of genius, you are not doing what you do. Like, things are feeling very awesome. But if you don't have a good capacity to delegate so you're holding on to more things, then you get frustrated that a lot of stuff is not happening.

And there is a trusting in there that sits within your team and your business, and there's a trusting within yourself. So resolving that.

Means that you, as the business leader, you're doing more of what you're really good at, but also, you know, the systems working in the process, because it has to be a process system sits behind a business. Right. Otherwise, it's just a hobby. So, yeah, like, it's been. It's really interesting. Like when you. You solve that, but then, you know, it links back to something else.

Well, there's no mutual exclusivity in life. Like, if you're. If you're the cranky dad, you're also the cranky boss. Even if you can hide it.

Yeah.

It's gonna pop out at some point in time. Yeah. So keep going. Keep going.

No so. Or the other interesting one is the.

So they're. How do I describe them? So they're the dad in their business at work that everyone thinks is husband and father of the year.

And they kind of live that role. But then when they're at home, they Jekyll and Hyde. And that Jekyll and Hyde comes about because they're confused. You don't know what to do. And also, I'm so freaking amazing what I do over here, but I suck over here.

And it becomes like a snowball effect. A snowball effect. A snowball effect. So it's. But they can also then be the classic of, I'm cranky at work, I'm cranky over here. This is this disconnect. But there's also the other. I don't have character names for them like some people do, but I do see that role emerge. Where. And what that brings up is the wife gets even more pissed off because she sees how everyone portrays you and she sees how much you give to that, but then you're not giving to them. And it's like, what the fuck is up with this?

Yeah. Loss of trust.

Yeah. And so. And then the family's like, well, what did we do wrong? But what the man doesn't know is he's just getting so much more validation, significance over there, and he doesn't know how to get significance over here in his family, so he just ignores it. Yeah, I don't know. I'll out earn the problem.

It's very interesting. I mean, we could talk for hours around it. Tell us how people can get in contact with you.

Absolutely.

So, like, yeah, so the probably the key couple of ways is they go to my website. We've got some free resources and programs. It's the optimizedad.com they can go there and get in contact with me, join my community. The Optimized Dad Facebook group is the other place that people can get in contact with me. They're kind of like basically my two models. You can email me@davidoptimizedad.com if you're a dad that.

Knows you need to make some kind of changes because you can see what you've craved and fought for, so much to create is slipping away, then, you know, reach out to me so I can give you an help because you can make some pretty quick shifts and get back on track really easily.

It's awesome. What would be your final message for all dads?

My final message for all dads would be, you don't have to have all the answers.

It's totally okay not to know them and it's then okay to actually ask for help to get it worked out. Bottom line, pretty simple.

David Morrison, thank you for your time.

Thank you for having me on, Ian. Like I just met, just as a. As a closer. You know, I've said to you before, like, I've loved following your journey and what you've done, and it's just extraordinary. So I was really, really, really humbled and honored to be invited on to come and talk to you as well. Thank you.

Cheers, fella. No worries. Thanks for hanging around and Small Talk Big Ideas podcast. We hope you enjoyed that and pulled out plenty of information that'll help you move forward. If you want to find out or listen to more podcasts, please subscribe, follow us on social media or go to ianyugate.com to find out much more about what we do. And we'll see you next time. Thanks for tuning in to the Small Talk Big Ideas podcast. We hope we've succeeded in our goal.

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Look forward to catching you on the next episode of Small Talk Big ideas with Ian Ugarte.