S3 E05 - Don’t Call Relationships “Work”

There are very specific tactics that can be used to improve the quality of your relationship with your friends or your spouse. Brittany Turner and myself will be sharing those communication strategies with you right now for free in this episode of Broke to Woke.

I love working with you. This is amazing and inspiring and incredible. The last episode we talked a little bit about me. Gotta turn the tables for a second. You also are married now.

Hey. Hey.

What?

He put a ring on it. Good job. A crazy connected life with a crazy, amazing, incredible person. Let's dive into that a little bit. What's that look like right now?

Yes. So I found somebody that fit the bill. Somebody that is what I prayed for ever since I was little is somebody that cares about saving babies even more than I do. That was the sound bite since I was a little kid. And it's hard to get him off the road now because he's out there literally saving babies every single week. And so I married a now ex Green Beret. He retired this July 2021 and he is full time aerial recovery group out doing disaster response and rescue work. And it's just been amazing. And one of the top questions I get, I mean I do get to go on most of the missions, but Brittany, you guys are both doing so many different things. You're still running so many companies, you're still working out, you're doing all this work all over the world and you do spend a lot of time away from each other. How do you stay connected? And I think it's important to stay connected if you are in totally different parts of the world or if you're in the same room. Because I'm less far away from my husband than the person that can't get their husband to stop watching games non stop or playing video games or being on a dinner date and you're both on your phone. So how do you organize a connected life? Because relationships I actually hate when everybody says it's work. I guess the word work is branded poorly most of the time.

I agree.

And I think that when you view anything as work in the way that I've been sold that word, it's like begrudgingly showing up and doing something you don't want to do and or selling your time in exchange for something else.

Right.

You're only ever going to do what you want to do. And that's the most important thing about a relationship is it's not work if you want to do it. If you really do love that person and you want what's best for them, then you are Willing to find ways to encourage, empower them and show them that they're loved. So for us, we've come up with communication strategies, and that's a much better word than the word rules. I found coming up with the word rules, people feel caged, especially people that are, you know, two alphas in a relationship, which is my preference. I want. I definitely wanted that. Now, that doesn't mean, like, I'm ever trying to be the man or what, like any of that crap, but, you know, respect is earned. Respect is earned in both fields. And we both are excellent in our different worlds and lead in our different worlds, and they go together so well, but they also could clash really hard, really fast. And that's, I think, a lot of relationships. So what are the communication strategies that will lead you to success? Because we do not live a balanced life. What most Americans would call, quote, unquote, balanced. Go to work from these hours to this hours. Come home, have weekends off. No, no, no. Does that mean we work till midnight every night? No. Does that mean we would do sometimes? Yes. Does that mean we're never not talking about it in some way? We're always doing something because our work is an expression of our purpose and our mission and our missions have collided, and they're better together. So it's really fun. I mean, last year, we responded to the Haiti earthquakes. We were still doing work after the Honduras floods. We went to the St. Vincent Volcano as first responders. We were Louisiana hurricanes, Kentucky tornadoes. We helped out with the Afghan crisis and the refugees that were going to Tajikistan. And we've got a team currently in Ukraine. And my husband's about to head out there right now. And so being apart, being all over the world, what is the most important thing to make that person feel loved? And that's one of my favorite things Tony Robbins shares is he gets couples all the time that are either recently broken up or about to break up. And they say, I gave her everything. I gave him everything. Yeah, he says everything except for what they needed. So pro tip hack of a lifetime is ask the other person, what do you need from me?

Sure.

Because we all build up this huge expectation or it's never good enough or all they do is complain, blah, blah, blah, blah. Most the time in relationships, if somebody's acting up, it's because they want your attention or they need to feel loved by you. For a guy, they're acting up because they feel disrespected somehow. For a girl, they're acting up because they don't feel safe. I feel like they need to control the situation because you've proven it's not safe, or they don't feel secure or they don't feel loved. So it's normally those two. And so it's a cry for help if they really love you. Some people are just terrible and they use the word love, but they're not truly a loving person. They're just a controlling or.

Selfish. So somebody who truly does love you will act like it. And if that person happens to be acting up a little bit, ask more questions versus just accuse. And so this has. We talked about just living a crazy, connected life again. How can you connect on multiple fronts with your person? You know, cerebrally, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in your missions. Because a lot of times God brought you together and people don't ask deep enough questions to realize what they can accomplish as a unit.

Ask deeper questions. That's very true. One of our communication strategies, stealing that, giving you no credit. Come on. Pro tip. Is to ask very, very specifically, you know, when you talk about asking deeper questions. Some questions me and Sved ask probably on a weekly basis. Again, all the time. She'll start with hers, and I'll start with mine. She'll say. She'll say things like, do you feel respected?

That's great.

Do you feel satisfied? Do you feel admired? She'll pick certain words, really big words, and I don't think I give her enough credit on this, but she speaks really well. She has a phenomenal vocabulary, and she.

Can go in multiple languages.

In multiple languages. That's right. She can go through gorgeous vocabulary that really enunciates and pours light over what I might be feeling. So to come back full circle, one thing that we're not allowed to answer for my married folks out there, I'm not allowed to say, fine.

Oh, right.

That's not an emotion. Good is not an emotion. So if she says, how are you feeling? I have to answer something.

That's great.

100%. And it's super easy for her. It's harder for the guys out there.

Yeah.

So I'm allowed two responses. Three. I can either give the answer how I'm feeling. I can say, I don't know yet. Let me get back to you. Yeah, I don't know what emotion this is. Let me get back to you. Am I hungry? Am I angry? Like, what's going on? Or I can go, I don't want to talk about it right now. Can we discuss it later? Those are pretty much the three. That's a really good communication strategy, though, also for the ladies out there, because again, if a guy is asking you, hey, babe, what's wrong? We can sense something is wrong. And a lot of times they'll say, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. I think every one of us knows it fine. It's not fine. But on the ulterior motive that's just giving you an ability, gentlemen, to ask a different question. Ask a deeper question. How can I support you more? Right. What can I do to help you at this exact moment in time? Because you need help. Show up, ask a question that's different. Get her or get him off of their edge or ledge that they're on emotionally at that moment. And just learn from them. See what they need.

That's really important. And, you know, the question is, as long as you're not in a selfish relationship where you're literally just using that person, and as long as you're not just sitting there using that person, you actually genuinely like them and you want them in your life, you find them impressive, amazing, incredible, inspiring, somebody you want to love, you know, that's. That is a love connection worth investing in. So if you're saying, this is the person I want to spend my life in, then, you know, living upset at each other, living angry, and harboring or hiding is going to do nothing but create a rift between you. When you've got to have that connection, especially if you're going against the darkness together. If you're facing tough challenges and global issues, then it's really important you stay connected. Because, of course, the attack is going to be directly pointed at that thing. And so we recognize that. That this is a point of potential separation. And so you have to be aware of the kind of things that could mess up your calling, that could mess up your. You're calling together as a couple, your potential in the world. So one of the things that we do to stay connected. Cause I love him so much, but, you know, he's military, and they're used to just, like, not sharing because they're not allowed to talk about things. And so you're like, you really have to bullet out of it.

Totally. But it takes time.

It does. It takes trust. Two, I can't beat him up for something he shares with me either. But one of our favorite things, and if you've ever had dinner with me, you know, I'm gonna ask this question at dinner. We say, what were your wins of the day? And what were your top takeaways? And A lot of people are like, we also say losses. I'm like, we don't do losses because what you focus on expands and we want to celebrate the wins. It's all a form of gratitude. And it's a really nice conversation starter. It gets people to talk about their day instead of just kind of going through a task list of completed items.

I did this, I finished this. I feel good.

So it's a really nice way. And I highly recommend people do that with their kids, too, or any dinner guests. You have.

Sit down. When you're in those moments, when you're really sharing, figure out a way to ask deep questions. That is a way to stay connected. When you start having relationship, when you're in that dating, like, you're asking all the things you're pouring into people, and then you're married, and then people just stop.

Right.

All right, cool. We're together now. I don't have to do this anymore.

Right?

Incorrect.

Right.

You now have to find ways to play. Like you said, it's work. People say it's work. You get to pick the labels.

Right.

I have, I think, almost permanently removed the word work from my vocabulary.

I agree. That's so great. It's. I love that it is my pleasure to get to appreciate this human being for as long as I get to enjoy them 100%. I'm so happy, and I want to design a life that we can stay connected in. So our whole honeymoon, we filled out my one page plan, which we talked about last season as a couple. So we wrote, not our eulogy, but the story of our love. What did our love accomplish together? Okay, well, if that's going to be reality in 40 years or 50 years, what do we have to do in the next five years to be on track with that? How do we build a family? Who do we want to be friends with? What kind of network do we want to have? What kind of influence do we want to have? You know, what are the achievements we want to accomplish together? What do we want to build together? What does our lifestyle look like? Where do we live? How would we raise our kids? What are our normal things that we set in motion as a family? And then what kind of wealth is required to be able to have that attention? Because to bring kids in this world and then have to work 17 jobs just to pay the bills would be not fair to them and it wouldn't result in the relationship or the legacy we want to have with that child.

Precisely.

So coming up with this again, where do we need to Be in five years? What has to be true in one year? What do we have to start doing in the next 90 days? What do we have to stop doing in the next 90 days? Sounds like a lot of work, but it was really fun. We had a date out of filling out each column and having really meaningful discussion on what matters most to us. And again, it's not rules, but it's guidelines for decision making. You know, it's. There's so much good work to be done in the world and it's amazing that he has the same heart that I do and we want to just go run off into the sunset helping people. But even in that, you have to use a filter and say, if I want to have this impact, this family, this health, this wealth, all of that requires focus and it requires you investing the appropriate amount of time to know what's an opportunity for you and your relationship and what's a distraction.

Yes. And those have to be discerned and that's going to take sitting down, carving out time. But it's again, team, it's fun. If you want to be really, really difficult and arduous, okay, it will be. But are tears going to be shed? I hope so. I hope you're digging down deep enough where you don't think that you can accomplish what you're writing down on this five year plan. And the stop doing. You saved my marriage really early with that one.

Right.

What do I need to stop doing in 90 days? You remember her answer? We all laughed.

No, what was it she said I.

Need to stop licking my fingers.

Oh, you know what that'll cost you? Your marriage.

Yeah.

I couldn't do that.

Eating habits for sure. Yeah.

Eating habits are finger licking. Video gaming.

Yeah.

Non negotiables.

For me, it got cut out.

Couldn't do it. Yeah, I did. You stopped.

Yeah. I mean 89% of the time.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's improvement.

Improvement steps in the right direction. But it was one of those things. Where did I want my ego to not be, you know, it's not. Experience pain and not to have her say something is wrong with me. What? I'm not perfect.

Yeah.

These plans, these steps, this communication strategy. Guess what? You will be tested. You will things be brought to light. Fears, pains, frustrations, things you might not want to share. And as we do it, it's about the opening up that vulnerability because it's on both sides of the party. And I think it's so, so integral.

That you mentioned that.

We got to sit down. We have to do this, we have to stay in control.

You have to. Anything that you say is important to you, you have to act like. I mean, everybody's time is a reflection of what's most important to them. Just like money, where your money is, there your heart shall be also. Well, that just means you're going to spend money on the stuff you want, and you're going to spend your time on the stuff you want. So if you're going to say, if you're going to have the guts to tell somebody that you love them, you got to act like it.

Got to act like it. Well, let's keep acting like it. Hope you're ready for more next episode coming your way.