S4 E09 - Hott Goss

For those of you who are in a relationship and you crave an incredible, healed, loving, non angry, non fighting, super beautiful, romantic, gorgeous, loving relationship. This episode, Brittany and myself give you some absolutely banging tips on how to be in a gorgeously loving relationship.

Cliffhanger. I know, but this is a good one.

Tell me everything.

So I'm with your boy, Rob Wallace, and his fiance. Yeah, it's me, my wife Jason. That's it. So we're in a cabin, their cabin up in New Hampshire. And the previous night, me and Rob, we had some drinks, we wrestled. It was a great time. Me and him had a great time. Svet and Kenny had a great time. They did their thing. We did our thing. The next morning, nine or so in the morning, it's just me, Svet, she's in the kitchen. She walks up to me, she says, jeremy, oh, man, we need to talk.

Oh, man.

Yeah. And as soon as she said that, right? I mean, every guy's worst nightmare, essentially, I was like, what'd I do last night? Like, that's what my brain think I did something terrible. And she goes, just had an attack on our relationship. Now I'm like.

I don't know what that means. She said one of your exes reached out and said some very concerning things about your behavior.

And when she said that. Here's the best news, though. When she said that, I was like, I have no idea what ex she's.

Talking about, but long list. There's a roster.

It's the shirts.

It's the shirts.

But the good news was I knew for 100%, 100% certainty that I was in the clear. That's the best news.

Yeah. You didn't do anything.

Because as soon as she said X, I was like, oh, thank heavens. Oh, my. It's an X problem. We're good. So I was like, baby. That's why I told her, too. I was like, oh, my gosh. I thought something was actually the problem. That's why I told her. I was like, baby girl, tell you right now, nothing to hide. Here's my phone. Open it. Go through any Instagram, any social media.

Major hot points, gentlemen. Listen to that.

Yes. But the truth is also, gentlemen, for those who are listening, I didn't have anything to hide. Big takeaway. But second takeaway is in that moment, I knew she was scared, she was worried, she was terrified, all the things. Because she really felt that there was something substantial in this text message from an ex. And this ex had given some bullet points of how I was lying, how I was cheating on Fet. Yeah. Giving her some really specific details. And it was one of the more recent ones, obviously. And so Svet had to kind of go line by line and read them out to me. And I was like, hey, cool, here's some of this evidence. Here's where I was. Here's a photo of that situation. Giving her point by point, letting her.

See the phone, building that trust.

Building the trust, opening up every single thing. So when you're talking about. And this whole story came from this really, really good example you just mentioned of when you have a past trauma, men, you're causing it 99% of the time. It's usually your fault. Sorry, guys, you're a holes.

Okay.

Number two, can be. Can be, you can be. And you generally are. So since it's generally your fault, you're going to have to find ways to let the nervous system calm down. And it could be two or three years, maybe even a little bit longer sometimes. But figure out, number one, stop doing bad things. Hello.

Cut back.

Number two, really allow that openness, the communication lines. If she wants to check your Facebook. My personal opinion, and I could be wrong. Brittany, wide open. I do not care.

Right?

Here's my password. Here's my passwords of my emails. Here's my bank account passwords. If I'm married, what do you want? I don't care.

So amazing.

Doesn't bother me.

But that's real man status. You know, a lot of other guys that I have encountered in my lifetime would say, why are you accusing me? Ugh. Why is this? Why are you doing this? And immediately get an attitude and start yelling at this person for even bringing it up. But that's that environment of trust that she felt she could even bring it up.

There's.

That's amazing that you've built that.

Thank you. But there's no chance that they're not doing anything wrong if they don't want to let you see it. I don't. I'm saying from a man's. Man's perspective, I do not believe that there's any boundaries. You're like, well, you don't just trust me. That has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with security. Those are two different things.

Yes.

So you're telling me that you're not going to lock your doors or put a home security system just because it's safe outside.

Right.

It's like, no, no, no. You're still going to do it. AKA you'll still let your wife look at your things. Even Though there's nothing happening. Those two, they don't go hand in hand, right? Let her do whatever she needs to do to make yourself secure. Make yourself feel secure. If she needs locks and securities on your door, you're gonna do it. So why don't you let her just get into your phone. If you have nothing to hide, let her do the thing. Dude, it doesn't bother you anyway, who cares? There's no boundary. If that's. And I know we're on the subject. I'm sorry. I'm getting heated.

Hey, don't say sorry.

It's because she has past trauma with it. Dudes, you probably did something before, or if it wasn't you, which it probably was, then it was her ex or she was cheated on in that way. And so she has unresolved healing. And that is a gift that you gentlemen can give her.

Yep. You get to be the knight in shining armor and help be part of that healing experience because you just wrap them up in your arms. But I'm telling you, 99% of the. I would call them weak. A men who are not conscious, who are not awake are. Their automatic reaction is to blame and to get angry. Why would you even ask me that?

Why would you even ask?

You're accusing me. All you do is accuse me. Yeah, that's not fair. That's not right. And it's not. Honestly, it's not very manly. And so we're constantly looking for y' all to be our knight in shining armor. We want you to be able to handle our storms, as I think Tony Robbins would classify that. We want you to be the rock in which we can fall upon. We want you to hold us tight and say everything's going to be okay. I will never leave you. I would never do this things to you. And if you're not with a woman that you can do that with, go be with somebody else. You know, I'm not telling anybody to, like, go get divorced and all this stuff, but honestly, audit your heart. Are you with somebody worth fighting for?

We can have this conversation 400 different hours. Because here's the truth. What you just mentioned is the pro tip of all. Pro tip for men. Gentlemen, next time you're in a fight, because we're going to do some things wrong. Hold your woman pretty tightly, by the way, and just say those exact things that Brittany just said. I love you. I got you. I would never do that to you.

And I will never leave you. You are worth the world to me.

Because, gentlemen, women, regardless of how they're feeling emotionally. Their hormones do change a lot more than ours do.

And science, we didn't mean to. We didn't ask for it, but we're bringing life. We're doing things.

So there's gonna be times where we just have to sit down and go, all right, she's upset. She's emotional. For whatever reason. It could have zero basis, but she's upset to you, right?

To you.

To me, right?

Yeah.

Zero basis to me. So I'm like, babe, I'm sorry I didn't take the toast out in time. So you, come on, you hold her, and you really don't do it sarcastically. You do it from a place of love. You do it from a place of security. And. And, yeah, you can repeat those words anytime you're in a fight, and automatically the walls are going to come down because that's all she wants. Women want a man who will fight for them. That's what they want.

Yeah, that's married to a Green Beret. Hey, he's also a sniper. Married a snipey.

But he would fight for you, and he did.

Yeah, right.

And so I think that there's just a very, very important understanding there where, gentlemen, you have the opportunity to heal those trauma. You can be a healer for your woman and look at it as that. Look at it as your opportunity to go, hey, it's all good. No worries. I got nothing to hide. What do you need from me? And eventually, it will go away. It will subside.

Absolutely.

100%, absolutely.

That trust is built. And again, even if there is something that pops up, it's like they get to start defeating those demons before you do and taking your side and being able to stand in those gaps. But again, that's the beauty of relationships, and it is different. We need different. If you want her to be a safe place for you, a peaceful home, you want to have somebody just be kind to you, and you've had a hard day. Like, you've got to build that trust. If she feels she's got to have the walls up, walls are up, you know, and so it's annoying that it starts with you. I mean, as a female, I'll say. It's like, I wish I could just control that part of it and be in charge of it and not have to, like, depend on it. But there's some kind of magic when you speak that life over us and you hold us and you, like, build that assurance. There's no. There's nothing we can't accomplish. And there's no level of peace and, like, I don't even have the words for it that we can bring into the home. When you have made it safe for us to feel we are secure in this relationship, that secure relationship is the game changer. When we feel insecure, we gotta take over. We're in charge. You're not trustworthy. You're destroying the home. You want a really controlling woman to prove that you're not trustworthy. Control is a response to untrustworthiness.

This is the best relationship podcast episode of all time because you're giving amazing insights, but they're actually 100% accurate as well. Because, gentlemen, if you feel like she's being the old ball and chain, right? Always checking in on you, it's not.

Because you've been an idiot.

Always controlling you, it's because you haven't been trustworthy. You said, hey, sure, babe, I'll take care of that. Guess what?

Don't do it. You break your promises. Everything from not taking out the trash to getting trashed on Broadway to cheating, to all those things. Like, if you've built patterns of distrust, women are gonna protect the household. If we know that you won't, because we're not gonna let the kids die. Right. That's that whole nesting thing.

Sure.

And we'd rather you be the protector. We'd rather you do all these things, but if you're not going to, they will freaking step up. And you can pretend like your ball's got cheap just stomped on, but you probably deserve it.

Yeah. Yeah.

But that trust can be rebuilt. It just can take longer than a week.

And truthfully, men want to take a week. Ladies, for those ladies who are listening, because you have a huge female audience, I want all the women to know. Men, we forget how long things take because it takes two different time frames for men and for women to do anything.

Well, you guys can punch each other in the face and be over it in five minutes.

Correct.

We don't forget. And a weird analogy is, like, women take things in and we turn them into things that could be good or bad. And you guys just kind of put stuff out there. So.

We put stuff out there?

Yeah, you put stuff out there. I don't have a better way to describe it, but I can say, like, we are making a baby out of whatever you give us.

100%.

You want a demon baby that's angry and furious and super controlling. Prove to us by putting poison out there, and you're building a demon baby. You know? But if you want a loving, wonderful household you know, continue to respond the way Jeremy Newsom just responded because. Because that is extremely manly, and you're going to get a lot of points for that.

Guys, the hold the hug that you're mentioning, that's the. That's my go.

Everything. It's everything.

There you go, guys.

Just hold us.

Just hold us. Because there's going to be that fighting, that tension, that anger in whatever situation for eight, maybe nine seconds.

We're literally going.

And then boom, right? And then. Now then it's an actual conversation because she's going to use that initial rage at whatever she just found out that you did and it wasn't correct. That initial rage is gonna be there. And if you are gonna try to have this conversation from two places of argumentation, it's not gonna work out.

Where did you learn about this? Where did you learn that this is better than reacting and going off on her for even asking you questions or for asking for that level of security?

One of the mentors that I had in that regard was the very famous, presently Jordan Peterson. So I've been following my boy Jordan for a while, and he has a great relationship course on marriage. He just now created a new masterclass for married couples. But he's just very whimsical and just very romantic and masculine and manly smart. He's very wise, and he gives great tips. And so a lot of times it is these basic tactical things that we just have to do as men where we can realize, hey, this happens. Secondly, a lot of failed relationships, because I've told you and everyone here knows my first marriage that I had ended because I was a cheater.

Didn't you have your clothes burned in one of these relationships?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the ex wife. I've had a. I've had one. Did she just. When she was burnt, burned all your clothes.

You're dying. Cheated.

I came home and the clothes were in a pile of flames. I said to myself, yeah, yeah, I deserve that one. Because she found out, right? She found out I was cheating. And I got it. I understood. I was even mad. Racked up my credit cards, stole my car, burned all my clothes, all the things. I was like.

I dug my key.

Brittany. I knew it was my fault, but now. This is gonna be terrible to say. I felt like at the time. I'm 23. Give me some grace, guys. I felt like that was my only way out of the relationship. I was married. We didn't want to be married. We got married for the wrong reasons. But I felt like the Only way I could fully. Boom. Huge separation. Cause carnage was to go that direction.

I'm sorry to say it, but I love that she burned your clothes. That's so terrible. But awesome at the same time. You go, girl.

Yeah. Shout out to you, haley, you're awesome. But the beautiful part is too, we've healed that relationship. Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah. Her and I, full circle. This is probably six years ago now. We reached out, connected, had many phone conversations. She came to Nashville. I bought her dinner, sat down. Yeah. And just had a whole conversation about the whole thing. I was like, listen, you now know that we have no animosity. You don't need anything from me. I don't need anything from you. Ask me any question you want about.

And girl. She had a feeling. Of course.

We all have lists. She was not forgetting.

What about Kristen? Did you cheat on me with Kristen? I was like, no, I cheated on you with Jenny.

A.

She was like, jenny, I didn't even. Right.

Yeah.

The person she thought I was cheating on her with was even cheating on her with.

Oh, man.

Anyway, I let her tear me a new one. I bought her dinner, we had some drinks. I hugged her. And for that long hug. Right.

That was so wonderful for her.

And she has, boom, full on transformed since then. And so have I. And so have I. Right. I found the love of my life two and a half years after that moment.

Yeah.

So it healed both of us. It allowed me to move on. Allowed her to move on. And you're absolutely right. These are things. These are applications that men. We get to do. When you're having these relationships, when you're having these arguments. Arguments are only caused from built up resentment over time.

Yeah.

And that resentment is built up because you didn't provide security and safety. And you failed to be a man of your word. And so heal from it. Heal her. Allow her to give her time. She doesn't need nine months. You need nine seconds. Okay. The truth is, these different amounts of time. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that's just called biology. That's just how it is. There are two genders, and we are wired two different ways. And that's okay.

Right.

But know that you can heal. And then when you are truly married to a healed woman.

It'S the greatest expression of love. It's so amazing. It's so easy. It's so simple. You don't have arguments. You don't have fights. Shout outs to Paulie and Becky. Can I do that?

Oh, my gosh. I love them.

Unbelievable. They were here for the Abundance Summit. 14 years married by the time this comes out. But be closer to 15, I'm sure. And I just want to celebrate them because they are flipping in line. Love. They are so not like, you know, whatever. They're in love. He's always complimenting her. She's always complimenting him, rubbing his back. She's heard all of his stories and.

Still 100% all about him.

And she's engaged. It's like she's looking at.

She is.

What's happening? Did we sell that property, Paulie? That's how her face looks like to me. Yeah. And. And also we're going to talk about this maybe the next episode about that limiting belief about the mansions thing. Oh, she had some really good information. Tell me about. But long story short, shout outs to Becky and Paulie, who have been married for 14 years and they are my new favorite like couple to just emulate. Be around the people that you want to be like, I'm married, obviously. Brittany's married. We want to be with couples that have been together for a long time, learn from them, grow with them and get their experience and wisdom.

That's the only way to become great. I've probably got a few tips that could save us a few wrong turns around the block. And a beautiful, healthy, happy relationship is success because it all boils down to relationships anyway. So we're going to talk more about that in the next episode. We'll see you there.

Let's face it, men are pack animals and we have to heal together. The best way for men to heal is once we are broken and we are in pieces and we get reassembled by someone who knows exactly how to piece those parts back together. In my men's program, I'm going to be working with you, my man, to change your life, to heal your soul, to reconnect your relationships, and to really start calming down that anger, that rage monster that lives inside of you, using that energy to become a force for good, powerful, incredible man, for your family, for your wife, for your children, and for your legacy. It's time to step up to be incredible. Pop over to broketoak.com check out more information below where you can join my men's program and finally get true revitalization of your spirit.