S5 E14 | Parenting Pro Tips 1

For another episode of Broke to Oak, we had synergistically aligned brainwaves. We wrote down the exact same thing at the exact same time because we were both pumped about talking about parenting pro tips. That's it. I got questions and I have three answers. Maybe, Maybe four.

Well, you're just far enough ahead of me. Yeah, Jason is, too. And a half. And you also have a 14 year old, so this is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah. You got boys. I got a boy. You got another boy on the way.

Yeah.

I'm sure you're learning at an accelerated.

Rate based on my beard.

You know, quick pause in the parenting pro tips. Let's take a quick deep dive.

Each season you have had a different looking beard. What are you telling the people, the viewers, about your life and what's going on inside you with your current state beard?

You know, I, I like this length. The. The super, super long. That was my wife.

Yeah, she.

She begged for that one.

Getting you to look like roomie.

Yeah. Yeah. And I. Sure, why not? It's. I'm great at growing beards. One of my talents.

You got hair.

I got everywhere.

You got some hair.

It just doesn't stop.

It's a person of hair.

A person of hair. Yes, exactly. I am a person of hair. Yeah.

So your current state beard, you're getting a little gray.

Yeah, there's some.

A little gray. Rooski, you've gone real gray, like Obama speed of gray in the last year.

Yeah.

What. What's going on?

I don't know. I don't know. I think it's just happening.

Yeah.

Yeah. I feel good on the inside. But my dad, my dad went great early. He was fully gray by 41.

Well, he had six kids.

Facts.

Do you think each kid is adding to the grayness?

I think it has to. Yeah. But Svet takes part of some of that. She's mentioned it. She's taken ownership.

She's graying you out.

Yeah, she's taken. She's mentioned that a few times.

What does she think she's doing to gray you out?

Oh, I don't know. We'll probably talk about in a future episode.

Oh, man. All right, so my first parenting pro tip.

Yeah. Hit me.

You know, everybody's got a different situation. Yeah. Of course, sometimes the man's the provider, sometimes the woman's the provider. Some people are breastfeeding only, you know, there's a lot of different situations that can, that can come up with this. But what I've heard when, you know, polling my friends, because we all had Kids, at the same time.

One of the top things that keeps popping up for people is resentment. It's typically the woman resenting the man because she is left with doing all the work, quote unquote, for this kid. She's the one to get up at night. She's the one to make the bottle. If there's bottles being made, she's the one to clean up. She's the one that has to take care of the kid all day. Gets to, of course. But what are you guys doing to prevent resentment from entering your relationship again? You've got a two and a half year old full of energy. He's a, he's a little wild man.

Yeah.

And you got another one on the way, which I put Bear's foot on her belly so that he could give you a calm child. So, so tell me, what do you guys do to prevent resentment from blocking your joy and your love and your passion in your relationship?

Resentment is the secret killer. He, that's the one that's going to, that's the one that's going to build up and that, that will cause relationships to crumble because it's not going to happen in a day, Right? Gentlemen, if you're listening to this, when your wife blows up at you because it's a win, not an if. When she does, it's not because of one thing you did incorrectly or one thing that you didn't do incorrectly. It was all week or last two weeks or the last month of things that are building up. And so ladies, please don't let it get to that point.

Yeah, right.

Have some courage to mention. Hey, I would like to ask you, what can I do to help you more? This is what my wife says, like, what can I do to help you more? When I ask you to take out the trash, is there something I can do to help remind you to do that, Right. So she'll start making it go on her, essentially. And I told you this in the car yesterday when I realized that my wife's love language, acts of service, directly translated to me doing chores for her because I thought acts of service was something else. Like massages, right? Like, hey, sure, she wants a massage, I'll massage. That's easy. What a great act of service. Cleaning, vacuuming, taking out the trash, cleaning the car, going and getting the mail. I didn't think those things were acts of service. Turns out they are. So.

Absolutely they are.

Yeah, for sure. But I had to shift that. I don't think a lot of women tell men exactly what we need Some do, I'm sure. But if you're listening, one of the best gifts you can give us. Dumb brick faces, right? Because there's no brain in here. It's just a dinner plate that wants a steak on it. That's the only thing that's inside of our brain.

Oh, you're getting weird here. Getting weird?

We have no brain. We just need to be told what to do.

Well, let me throw this one out there.

Friends of mine have said when the woman does speak up and is a little more directly and so kind about it, they've been labeled nags.

Yeah.

So if you want to be told what to do, or more direct, or asked what to do when a man filters these requests as the woman being a nag, even if she's not.

What'S your advice on that one?

Keep asking questions for the ladies. Like, again, how can I address this situation without you feeling like I'm nagging you? There has to be a solution. There has to be a win. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking away your freedom. I want you to know that I truly care about you. If you feel like I'm nagging, then I'm doing something wrong. So really, really smart women and smart men are going to always take the blame. Great leaders, right? Jocko Will. Nick says it's all about your fault anyway. So if you're a man or a woman and there's a miscommunication, which will build into resentment, that's the way it works. Miscommunication builds into resentment, for sure. And resentment will kill your relationship very, very fast. The way to overcome that is to take ownership on yourself, make it your fault for a period of time, and find out how you can communicate better with the other party. Very simple. So I've asked my wife numerous times, my love, what can I do exactly to help you leave the house when I would like to leave the house so that we arrive on time? Like, what exactly would you need me to do to help you more? And she's like, I would love for you to give me more notice. I was like, oh, cool. How much. How much notice exactly would it take for you to get ready to leave when I would like you to? And she said four hours. I was like, okay, I can do that. So now I know. Now I have this threshold. So now I know. If it's after four hours, I'm not going to assume. I'm just going to ask, hey, is this even a possibility? Can we remotely pull this off?

Right?

So for My ladies, if your men is asking that, and a lot of men will because they feel like their freedom is being taken because they have to do the dishes. Poor guy. Oh, my gosh, a whole thing of dishes. What we need to do as men, for my men who are listening, is realize that your wife probably has more things going on than you think of. Right. The reason I said that guys have a dinner plate with no steak on it in their brain. We think of one thing at a time. Women think of 465,312 things instantaneously that are going through the brain all the time. And that's just an interesting thing that we don't have. We can't really even comprehend what that's like. So I think what we need to do, gentlemen, is just assume that we are here place on this earth to do one thing, make our wife's day easier. And if our wife's day becomes really, really easy, all she will do is love on you. That's the way I view it.

That'd be amazing. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's exactly right. And it's not that some girl is bossing you around. Gentlemen, if your wife's asking you for help, she needs it. She's not a straight up, like, psychopath, you know, total jerk person. If you know she loves you, then take the time to hear her out and see what's really going on. Yeah, I think it's important. I do have a friend who she is the breadwinner. She takes care of the household. She's. She's just a very organized and smart person. And whenever she asks for any help, it's, oh, I can't do this. It's, oh, you're so naggy, blah, blah, blah, I'm so tired. And like, just push back, push back, push back. And then he walks out. Like, just walks out. And then so she's left with everything. And I know they love each other and I know he loves her, but I don't know if there's something that went on in his life to why he's filtering any request she makes as a nag. And so in those situations, I think a little more extreme.

He's even called her like a bully sometimes when she's using a normal tone. Like, any advice on those kind of specific situations where somebody's really is saying it nicely, not playing a game of questions, I obviously gamify it and put it on yourself. But like, in a more extreme situation where somebody is really hearing you wrong, what advice do you have for that.

Try to do your best to listen to what the other person's saying. So in that example of your friend, I heard you say, in the guy's tone, I'm so tired. Okay, so, ladies, I have other things to do. Yeah, maybe he does.

So he doesn't value anything in the household.

Sure. But hold on. Give me a second.

Right? Yeah.

So maybe he's like, dude, I've been going 16 hours today. I'm really tired. So the thing that you might think is super important might not be because is it going to make the house blow up if those dishes don't get done that night? Probably not. Maybe he is actually really tired. So what I would do in this. In this exact situation, because I never say this, by the way. I never say, I'm so tired, those words will never come out of my mouth first and foremost, because that's an excuse. And you know that I don't operate with excuses, Right. Real men don't live in excuses. So I would just tell it like it is. Like, my love, I would love to do this. I have other things are more of a priority. Can I do those tomorrow morning? Is that okay? But number two, if the wife is asking and the man says, like, I'm so tired of doing all these things again, for a lady, maybe respect that wish. Is it a possibility that he is actually tired? Maybe he did a lot. May you go. You know what? You're right. I'm really sorry. I. I assumed that. I assumed incorrectly. I thought that, baby, blah, blah, blah, blah, you had a long day tomorrow. I will go ahead and do this chore tonight. I'm so sorry. You're tired. Go ahead and go to sleep. Go rest tomorrow. Do you mind doing it? It's like, I don't know. I think that that would. Because someone's gonna have to do it, right? I forget who it says. I think it's Mel Robbins. Right? Like, relationships aren't 50 50, they're 100 0. Meaning someone sometimes has to go full out.

Yeah.

And. But gentlemen, sometimes that needs to be you. Right? Because oftentimes in this random world that I live in, I think it's a lot of the time, women who are going 1000 and the guys are getting a little bit of drink, they're having a little bit of smoky smoke. They're having some edibles. You know, they're relaxing, they're playing video games, they're playing sports a bunch. They're hanging out with their friends. Friends. They're going to bars, they're going to the gym a lot. And they're doing all these things. Just escape the day to day stuff. It's like, if you want to do any of those fun things, do them after everything is done.

Yeah. I have a parenting pro tip for a gentleman. Gentlemen.

Okay. Talking to me, please. I'm a gentleman.

Understand?

I'm listening.

If anyone.

If you are so blessed that someone has dared have your child, like, the ultimate sacrifice of body, mind, health, everything, like, it's just. I cannot believe people do this for free all the time. I really can't. I've been shocked.

Yeah.

At women just having kids. I'm just amazed. Women are amazing.

Yeah.

If you have ever had somebody have your child and you dare be a douche to her or meaner in any way, you deserve to get slapped in the face every hour for the rest of your life. My point in sharing this is after someone has a child, your body has just done so much to create human life to make feet inside you that your hormones that needed to be elevated to do all that work are gonna need to restabilize afterwards. And postpartum depression is no freaking joke.

It's a real thing.

And so many guys chalk women up as crazy. They're emotional. Like, they go do terrible, reckless things. I just have to get out of the house. And it's like, please have a grace that somebody was willing to build out your family. Somebody's willing to carry your seed. Somebody was willing to give you a child. Even if the child cries, guess what? They're a baby. It's part of the deal. Like, you've got to have a huge amount of extra grace and kindness that surpasses your normal reactiveness. Knowing that your person that you knocked up.

From love or not love for whatever reason just gave you this huge gift. The least you can do is be way more understanding, way more kind. And it's not getting walked on. It's not getting. Like, there's several months after that person has your kid that their body is desperately trying to restabilize.

Wild.

And so especially if you have anybody going back to work or any of that stuff, like, there's so much. Oh, my gosh. One time I was talking to my friend and I was like, breast milk is basically guilt in your boobs. Like, constant. You just feel guilty all the time. Like, your body freaks out hormonally. Like, feels like you were having a panic attack when that baby starts to cry. And you cannot help it. Like, all these different things are going on. So just have some grace.

Sure.

Knowing there's things going on you can't understand.

Well, here's a. Here's a good. Yeah, well, that is a big pro tip. And here's. Here's an interesting piece on the flip side of that, from a man's perspective, is if there's any gentlemen out there listening to this and they're like, I don't really believe in postpartum, women are probably making that up. Hold on. Bear with me. Right? If. If you're a man and you feel like that way because. Because you've never experienced it, how about sign up to go get a huge shot of estrogen and just see what that'll do to you.

Or 40.

Right. Well, because no guy's gonna do that, right? Guys will get a shot of testosterone because, like, we're men. We're strong. Go get a buttload of estrogen shot into your face or your stomach or your foot or your butt anywhere and find out.

I've never heard somebody say that.

Oh, I know. But what the reason I'm saying is because if you do not believe that hormones impact you, go take a bunch and see what's gonna.

Go take a bunch.

Yeah, it will. I haven't done this, to be fair, but it. I know for sure is a real thing because I've seen my wife deal with it. I've seen so many other women who are powerful, who are strong, who are rich, who are motivated, who have all the things. It impacts them, and I. I can't quite imagine what that looks like. I don't really know. I have no bearing physically on how it would shift in shape. But what I can say is, gentlemen, this will change your life forever. When you look at the child, because every man cares about the kids so much, generally, they forget who brought it into the world.

Right.

And here's my hierarchy. And for my sons who are listening, I love you, but know this. Mom first, kids after.

Absolutely.

But a lot of problems begin when that flip happens.

Yeah.

Because a lot of mothers as well, and fathers, they start putting their kids above their partner.

Yeah.

They do everything for their kids. It's the kids. Kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids. Then maybe you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Flip that. Right. The kids come second. No, they need to know that. They need to know who is in charge, who is boss, where the hierarchy goes. And mom is going to be the most important part of my life. And the kids love them. They're perfect. They're number two. And that's how my world reacts. Right. And if mom is Taken care of and she's happy and she's brilliant and she's in her flow. Everything's going to be so much better.

Absolutely. And of course, it's very easy, I think, to prioritize the kids because for survival reasons, they need a little more attention. Yeah.

Especially for the first two years.

But when it comes to being an emotional support for each other, bam, It's. It is. I can't explain it, guys. I really wish you could feel, like, what it feels like inside your body right after you have a kid.

Couldn't imagine it.

And, like, literally bear cries for one second and the world blacks out and all attention is on making sure he's okay. And it's a really beautiful design that God put that in us to be willing and able to take care of your kid. But I have heard some really crazy stories that after, you know, with postpartum, where people have heart attacks, people commit suicide. They're like their brain flips. All their, like, worst traumas of their life pop up. And the one pro tip I have on that, ladies, is I did get my placenta turned into pills. And I just kind of sounds like tmi. I don't give a freaking crap if it helps one person. I would start feeling, like, panicky, panicky, panicky. And I would take one of those pills and it was back to not just Britney. I was pre pregnant Brittany, which was the ultimate amazing human. It was like my whole pregnancy. I was like, I'm the shadow of the person I once was. But with those, I felt my brain come back to me. I felt my emotion. I felt calm. I felt peace. And it was crazy because me and Whitney had babies on the same day when my best friends. And as soon as we did, we don't have these work. And nobody even explained these to us. We just told it's like, good for us to do. Apparently, when they'd start wearing off, we would both just start sobbing. Like, uncontrollable. Just like this deep sadness. Like, just sobbing. And so I'd take another one and then it would go away. And I'm like, wow. And so I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist. I know a lot of mammals eat that thing. Yeah.

I was just about to ask you, don't a lot of animals eat their own foods?

A lot do. And I think there's just a lot of nutrients and hormones in them that are replenished. If you find a way to ingest it again. I'm not cooking this crap on a Stove. That's horrible and like disgusting sounding to me. But I can pop a pill. It doesn't look like that thing. I don't want to look at it. I just want to take it and know that it's good for me. But I did not personally suffer what I would call postpartum depression. And none of my friends that have ever actually taken this placenta have either. Which is just needs to be talked about more. It's huge. If I had one tip for women, it is that. And also if you can't breastfeed, don't freaking hate yourself. Your kid will be okay. It's not going to be mentally disabled because you could not breastfeed. It is such an interesting hormonal thing for women. If you can't do it, everything inside you tells you you're a failure. And then everybody has saint get a lactation consultant. Try harder, try harder, try harder, try harder. And you're just like, you've got to shut it out, guys. You can only do your best. Try. If that is one of your goals, try. But you are not a failure and your child is going to be fine. Don't waste the energy, don't waste the self hatred. So I do have a couple really good tips on how to protect your children as they're growing up from online groomers, traffickers, pedophiles. We both have some advice on that. I know you've got a 14 year old, what you're doing to protect him.

And we are going to talk about these amazing ideas and strategies because avoiding the topic is not the way to success in protecting your child. These guys are everywhere. These girls are everywhere. You're going to find it more in the next episode.

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