S6 E04 | No Trust, No Lust

Are you a marriage professional? Do you want to be? If you want to be a marriage professional. In this episode, Brittany and myself are giving you banger pro tips on how to be the absolute best in your marriage.

That's a cool word. Marriage type.

Marriage type. Not every marriage is the same.

No. They're probably all relatively different.

How would you label your and Svetlana's marriage type? And then I want to hear some pro tips for those who want to mimic this type of marriage. How can they do it right?

I'm not going to say soulmates. That's so cheesy.

Based on what you've learned.

I'm not going to say that word. That is the cheesiest word ever.

Me and Tvet, if I think we. I'd actually like you to text her later and ask her what she would say this question. Yeah, I think she would say our marriage type is lovers.

Oh, that's true.

I think that would be the word lovers. We're just lovers.

Yeah.

She's not my best friend. I'm not her best friend.

Oh, I thought I misheard you just now. Okay.

No, you didn't. Yep. Like, I have best friends, and they're male.

Hey.

And she has best.

I thought I was one.

Well, you two best friend.

Clarify.

I have best friends that are male, and I have brain Turner, who's my best friend.

Thank you.

And she has a lot of women like you that are best friends, and she has no real male best friends, which is fine because I'm jealous. So, I mean, honestly, I think you're my only best friend. Woman. So appropriate. Yeah. And to that point, like, we know we are friendly with each other, but I'm there not to be her friend. I'm not there to be her therapist. Like, if she really needs something, she has therapists. She has coaches. She has people that she can lean on. I'm not going to just get emotionally insanely upheaval about something and then bring it to her all emotional and pumped and masculine and try to bulldoze her over. I'm not going to do that either. I'm going to call Calvin or I'm going to call Rob or I'm going to call Sam and we're going to talk this out, and I'm going to process a little bit Kalpal and have discussions. Yeah. And just have discussions and go from there. Like, all right, what am I not seeing and what do I need to see?

This is if it's an issue between you two or.

Or just an issue in general. But I'm Exactly.

She's not the first one you go to.

No.

Wow.

No, because I want to process it. I want to make sure that if I'm very emotional or angry or frustrated or upset, guys, hashtag dudes. We tend to take that on our women. We probably shouldn't. We probably shouldn't take out our anger and frustration on women because women can't handle our anger and frustration because literally, that's why we're designed. We're designed to be revelation. We're designed to be battle axes. And if we come in swinging in the door and our woman there, she's going to feel attacked, she's going to feel abused. Not physically, obviously, but she's going to feel like she is being attacked and we're stronger. So she. Now she feels scared and worried when she sees us. And that's going to be in her biochemistry forever. And it's very hard to get that resentment out. And when a woman stops feeling secure, she stops feeling trust. And when she stops feeling trust, she has no more lust. When the trust is gone, the lust is gone.

And that's the truth. Right. So we start damaging our women, we start scaring our women because we're angry, then she's not gonna trust us anymore. So to that point, gentlemen. Yeah. Don't let your woman be the very first person that gets all of your rage.

That's a good one.

Thank you.

Dang.

Don't let her feel all of your rage and let her feel all your anger. So me and. Me and my wife are lovers. And when I see her, I want to be the embodiment of love. I want to be kind. I want to be gentle. I want her to see me and feel protected and feel safe. I do it as much as I can. Yeah. Not 100%, but that's why we always hug and we always kiss and we're trying to be really kind to each other.

Yeah. You don't just kiss. These two make out, tongue out, make out in public all the time. And we're like, oh, my. Oh, my gosh.

Is our PDA a little too much?

It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a whole thing.

There's a whole underground of people talking about the tongue out, make out situation that you guys have.

You asked me for a marriage type and I gave you an answer.

I think he nailed it. I think he nailed it.

Thank you. I want you to ask her, though, and see if she has the same answer.

I had to, like, talk to the camera people like, hey, don't. Don't get that in the shot. Like, crop them making out like wild teenagers out of the shot when we're filming on the island. It's cute.

Just crop it out.

It's a lot.

Crop it out. It's a lot. So, pda. I've always been a pro. What would you say that you and Captain America.

Oh, yes.

What's your marriage type?

I would say that we are purpose partners. Purpose partners. So it's a different way to think about soulmate. And I believe that.

I believe we are best friends. And I think that in our very essence, we can have a ton of fun together. And that's really how we started. Because when I met him, I was on a rebound date, as you know, and I didn't think this cat had any potential.

No chance.

I fell for him like a ton of bricks when I saw what set his soul on fire, which was serving humanity. And it's not like I looked at him for his skills, even though his skills are pretty frigging hot to me. Back off, hoes. I will kid you. They're very hot skills. I mean, they're very manly to me. They're very.

Was that Hurricane Dorian?

Hurricane Dorian is when I first looked at him with real potential, because I saw him smile with what he calls his purpose smile. I saw.

Yeah, it's a great story.

Get past just being a goofball that drank a ton back then to starting to be a man of honor and somebody that I could respect and look up to.

So when you invited him to come down, were you just like, hey, I need help?

No, he invited himself, first of all, which I like. I like. He was very forward with me, which I guess I'm intimidating.

What? Who said that?

I've heard it before. I don't know where that comes from. Probably just one person.

I think it's one.

I don't know.

It's probably a rumor.

But he was not intimidated by me at all. And he, you know, held my hand when he wasn't supposed to, kissed me on our first date and.

What?

Never had a guy kiss me on the first date. But, yeah, anyway, he invited himself, and I was like, free security. I did hear they are gunning down helicopters where we're going so I could use this guy. So it's kind of me using him.

Was it just you and him?

No, we went with a group. We went with a group. But as we have continued to. As I took him more and more seriously, you know, I gamified my little exercises of finding out people's purpose. And so I could really see where he's going, because people get married hoping that love is enough and hoping that they're gonna stay. But to me, you know, this is your life part. Right? That's how marriage can be defined. Are you even going in the same dang direction? Does the essence of what they want to do and what they're called to do on this earth make sense with what you're called to do on this earth? And I think you two are still purpose partners very much. And what you guys love to do, how you like to give life, you do it in different ways. It's really cool to watch. And we do too. You know, he had a vision of wanting to help veterans, which was not on my list because I never spent any time with veterans. The only one I had ever spent time with sadly took his own life the summer after I met him. And that really stuck with me as something that didn't make any sense. And I didn't know it was such a thing. I was like, but now we're going to say, let's make this not a thing, and we're doing that, which is great. So he had a thing for helping veterans, and I wanted to rescue kids. And we still didn't put the idea together for a long time. And so to me, aerial recovery is something we have built from the uniting of our two callings and seeing how God has really created this cool concept. And if it wasn't with aerial recovery, we're going to help the world in another way because we just love helping people. And I knew he was the one, or at least possibly the one, when he was super late for me one day and most girls would be really mad. And I was like, hey, where are you? What are you doing? And he's like, oh, I'm at this old lady's house. And I was like, what are you doing at this old lady's house? He said, well, I was at Home Depot getting the thing for your house, which is my love language Acts of service. Thank you. And this old lady was buying a refrigerator, and she didn't have a plan for getting it to her house and installing it. So I'm here installing this old lady's refrigerator by myself. He's like, picking up a refrigerator 100%.

He is also hot, of course. Yeah.

I really discovered in a previous relationship that not everybody cares about people. Some people genuinely only care about themselves. And I'm like, what?

Sure happens.

So weird. I can't even fathom what that feels like. And so you're either an others centered person or a self centered person. And I'm not saying one's good or bad can say. For my marriage, I needed somebody other centered that cared about the needs of the world. And so I really loved his heart and I celebrate his heart and my gift, my biggest gift of service to somebody else and the way I love them is to take their calling and help them organize it into reality. And so that's really what aerial recovery turned into, was taking his gift, taking my gift and turning it into this thing. So I would say we're purpose partners and that comes with all kind of fun complications. And you work with your spouse, which is not easy to do. I work with my spouse. We are doing, you know, we're working together, we're managing employees together, we're making decisions together. We have a kid together. You've got your own, like houses together. So I want to hear some more tips from you on how are you guys successfully running businesses, household, family, and maintaining your lovership throughout it all. And when have you gotten it wrong? And now what have you learned from that? Because again, we want our ceiling to be your floor.

Yeah.

So give us some tips, sir.

Yeah, I think for me, big, big tip is to hold her for more than a minute.

I love that.

Right. So just, just the physical embrace and when she's all squirmy and angry at me because I did something that I don't know that I did because I got to figure it out because she didn't told me, you know, I got like read between lines. But guys can't. We don't know what lines are.

I'm so dang direct with what my husband does wrong and he doesn't love that. I don't know why. And I'm like, I could just make you play the game.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe play the game a little bit. You know, make us figure it out. It's like a treasure hunt.

Too direct. He's going to lose interest in the problem. If I just make him play the game.

He won't.

Yeah.

So that's that. So hold it, hold it for a minute. Right? A lot of guys when they're hugging their women, we've seen like, I see this a lot. It's like eight seconds.

She just. Like a fish.

Yeah, exactly.

Trying to get out of the hug.

Yeah, exactly. Like eight second hug. It's like, that's not going to work. Hold it a little bit longer until it's uncomfortable and then a little bit longer. Past that.

I love that.

So that's a big one. But of course, big for us is we also realize the two things that we're both bad at. We're both hangry people.

And we are both very cranky when we're tired. I don't get tired that much, but I need to know that I'm not going to be tired. Right? So you have to tell me. Hey, Newsom, we're going to go on a 48 hour. You ain't sleeping. We're doing this all day. Like, we're going after it. We're. We're saving, we're running, we're working, we're doing something cool. I need to know ahead of time.

You have to have a plan for your tiredness.

I got to have a plan of I'm not sleeping. Got it. Cool. Thank you. Now if I am, because I'm dialed in on my sleep. Dialed in?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I cannot.

Oh, yeah.

Get some sleep tips later.

Sleep. Every night it's on. I'm asleep.

What time do you wake up?

Wake up at 6. So 8 hours, 10 to 6. And I am behind. And I have anxiety as soon as I wake up because 6am Pacific Time is 100% different than 6am Central Time. Yeah, it's a thousand percent different. So anyway, I. Different. Different episode of season six is. Yeah, we get sleepy and we get angry at each other and we get hungry. So we just have if. Are you hungry? You're hungry. Okay, whatever you just said to me, I'm not gonna listen to it ever.

Is that taken with some annoyance? Like, are you on your period? Does it sound like that to her? No, no, no. It's a safe word. Yeah, it's a safe word. Yeah, exactly.

Fully safe.

Cause she can ask me recommended not to say the previous.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, don't previous. Just move on.

Do you want to live?

Correct. Are you hungry? I can ask.

You can ask that.

The word hungry really is a safe word however it comes out, especially if I'm hungry. And I ask her if she's hungry, and she's like, are you hungry? And I say, yes. Then she knows, however I just said it, can't hold it against me. So we kind of have those, like, safe words. Really, truly. It's like, hey, this isn't sleepy, hungry. Those are our two things. If we're in that world now. Again, same thing exactly with babies.

That's the same.

Here's the fun thing. You're always sleeping. You're always hungry.

Weird.

Because you don't eat. Your schedule's gone, and she doesn't sleep ever. So now that these two things are there, we also kind of realize that realizing when your partner needs you. My wife says that marriage isn't 50. 50. It's 100. 100. Be prepared to go all the way, all the time for the other person if they also go 100. Now you're at a 200 marriage. Awesome. Everyone's operating on full cylinders. Everyone's happy. But if you're 50. 50. Well, one person. What if I'm at 10 and now you're at 50? Well, now we got a 60%, aka an F marriage. We're not doing that good. So someone either have to do 90 and I'm at 10, or vice versa. You got to come help me when I. When I'm neat, when I need it. And for mothers, gentlemen, I will say this. If your wife is a mother and she's a newer mother, meaning, like the kids, 3 or younger, she's out of 10 a lot. She's like, you're gonna have to help her. It's freaking hard to be a mom. I don't know, but I can see it. I can visually see it, because her body has to make all this milk, and she has to do all these things, and she's gotta work out, and she has to eat, and she has to maintain and do the food and do the milk and get the whole.

Hormone reaction to their cry every time, right?

So a kid starts crying, Boom. She starts leaking instantly. And her whole body does some things.

Right. That's the worst.

Yeah. I don't know what that is. I can't experience that. I don't know. Although when a kid cries, I want to run away. That's the male reaction.

I have definitely prayed many times. If there are multiple lifetimes, God, send Jeremy back. As a woman, it's like, the meanest thing ever. But I've done it. I'm like, you know, every time.

Poor lock.

Yeah, he's coming back.

He's coming back as a girl. Oh.

What? No, that's the thing. Like, I don't know how lifetimes work. Obviously. None of us do, but, yeah, you better watch out, gentlemen. My.

But that's the thing is coming to you.

Go in knowing that because we view women as, like, this powerhouse, and they're all, like. They say it right? You ladies, like, we're independent. We don't need you. We can do this by ourselves.

I've never said that. For the record.

I believe you.

Never.

Never once I'VE said that.

I absolutely have not.

I believe you.

No. Somebody's got to change my tire.

Yeah.

I'm not doing it.

But my wife, the same thing. She fully, fully believes that she needs me. I need her.

Yeah.

She realizes that we are a team rowing the boat in the same direction.

Yes.

It's not a competition.

Yes. That's a huge tip, a big pro.

Tip that you taught me and a lot of people have taught me. There's not a competition. You're not trying to be better than your husband. You're not. Sure. Better than your wife doing this together.

It's your freaking team. This is it. This is home team.

Home team is you guys.

Yes.

Stop fighting with each other.

What a waste of time. And if you're all. All your. That's my advice. I'm not. I'm not a pro divorce person, even though I am a divorced person. My advice is fix it or get out. If you're not willing to fix it, then figure it out. You're either gonna stay and fix it, because marriage does not have to suck. Marriage can be one of the most beautiful, amazing, empowering, encouraging, safe places with the best, closest person you can make out wildly like a teenager into your 90s. It can be so fun. You can change the world together. You can bring life together. You can conquer, you can protect. You can do so many cool things. If you view each other as asset, not enemy. And that's my biggest tip to share, is find a way to continually stay in a place of asset, not enemy. And I think I might have shared this other one last season. But one of the funnest and best things that we do, no matter how mad we are at each other, which is rare.

But we play a game called.

Nice things. What is it? I think that says I played every night. We played it for almost two years now. Where it's I say, tell me my things. That's what I say. So every night, we have to say three things we love about each other from that day. And it's a really cool way to show appreciation. And whatever you appreciate grows in value. Right. It's a really nice way of calling out that good in that person that you saw instead of remembering all the things that they pissed you off with. It's what did I love about you today? Today? I love how you came in and you scooped me up in your arms and you kissed me. That made me feel. And you can't just say the thing. You have to actually explain it. That made me feel so loved, so seen and made me have some naughty thoughts about you later. You know, like, you can make. You can have fun with it. I really love that when you are playing with Bear, you are teaching him how to throw. It's a little dream come true that my husband is playing catch with my son. And you guys look so cute. Cause I don't even know if there's any of my genetics in this child.

I don't think so.

It's only him. I did all the work, and I.

Don'T have any bitterness, nothing.

He has one brown spot on his leg. That's my skin color. Because this kid is the whitest kid in the world. So white. Gonna grow up on an island pale as the paper that we're writing on red hair anyway. Yeah. So you just get to call those things out. I loved how you responded in our team meeting. It made me feel really respected. And it's just ways that makes me want to keep doing those things that he loved about me today. And it can't just be some old news or the same thing every day. It has to be something that day that I saw and that I felt. And it's a really cool game. And no matter how annoyed we are at each other, we play the game. And it's gotta be three things. You can throw in a bonus if you want, but that has been a really excellent. Gamified things I made up. Because I used to, like, write something I love about him every day on the mirror, but it'd be in the morning, and then now this is a different way to let him see that I have been paying attention to him, and it's worked really well. It's been really, really helpful for us in, like, deescalating. Not going to bed mad. How do you not go to bed mad? You talk about something good, which is really cool.

And the only thing I will say about that, I apologize for all the couples out there, because again, back to the sleepy thing. If we're both sleepy, we go to bed mad. Oh, I've done hundreds of times. Oh, man. And then we wake up and we're so happy. Yeah. So that's the thing. It's like, oh, I'm tired. I'm just gonna go to sleep. I'm mad at you right now. But when I wake up, oh, man, it's gonna be the best. I'm just saying to that point, I. I applaud you for that.

No, it's good. We. I make us do it, and he makes us do it. No matter how mad and tired we are. We still. We make ourselves really good. Yeah.

That's discipline. That's really good. I love that. Devotion to your relationship. That's devotion to your marriage. That's devotion to your man.

We're having fun with it. Last tip. I mean, I've got probably several more I could share, but last tip would be finding a way to have humor in this. When you do really serious work like we do.

Honestly, just dealing with employees is freaking hard enough in life. Like, they're either the best thing you've ever done, like had, or the worst thing. The biggest blessing or the biggest curse. It depends. I have a lot of big blessings in my life, but everybody always has been. And so just trying to manage that together can create so much friction. And so how do you still have fun and not only talk about work all the time and so coming up with ways to make your day fun, write like a sexy note or something like that, or be cute, plan fun dates and not try. But successfully not talk about the difficult parts of work.

Yeah.

When you are doing that. Yeah. Find a way to laugh together, because that humor can really. So when you're not just work associates, you're actually still lovers, you're actually still friends, you're still wanting to do life together, and no little turd can sneak in and be the light, joy, happy, cute girl. That's all the fun parts. And you get to be all the tough parts that are actually building something that matters. Like, you want to keep that joy. You want to keep that peace, that presence.

So, amen.

Lots of cool things to do. Marriage is a beautiful thing that is not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it. It has to have a vision attached to it. If you want to be able to transcend the highs and the lows that come with a marriage or a business or any venture out there, you have to have a vision that's bigger than the problems that are going to come, that are going to try to rob you of the joy that comes with the blessing of whatever it is that you're setting out to do. And with that, we will see you in our next episode.

If you have watched or listened to this podcast and had your heart set on fire and you're so excited to go to the next level, but you are looking for a coach. Both Jeremy, Alexander Newsom and myself have been struck by God and felt convicted to coach people now. We're not the right coach for everyone, but we might be the right coach for you. Go to broketoawoke.com reach out to us and we'll have the conversation.

Sam.