Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un | Lex Fridman Podcast #382

You know who drank? It's Churchill.

That's my whole. And that's my guy. Yeah, you know that's my guy. Right?

So he, he did champagne.

Well, let me. You don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill. He. I found out about his daily routine. Yeah. So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, egg, sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed. And he'd sit there for three hours and then he'd get in the bathtub and drink champagne. And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose with more champagne. And then he'd take a nap. And like, I love that. So every year on the day of his death, I think it's January 24th, I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did. And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all day. That would be the guy to drink with.

The following is a conversation with Bert Kreischer, a stand up comedian, podcaster, actor, and a man they call the Machine. I've been a fan of his comedy and podcast for many years and I highly recommend you watch him on Birdcast 2 bears one cave with Tom Segura, his cooking show called Something is Burning. And finally, the new movie that tells the story of the man, the legend, the Machine. This is the Lex Friedman podcast. To support it, please check out our sponsors in the description. And now, dear friends, here's Bert Kreischer. I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway.

Love him.

There's a quote, there's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Do you agree with that?

I agree. I agree. Well, I agree with that with journaling because I can't write. I can't write stand up. Like I can't write a bit. But if I journal, I'll find something that I go just write. Kind of writing where the pen's moving faster than your brain and they're kind of like doing it together. The thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway, this is so stupid. I'm a little dyslexic and so I'm not a good reader. And so he wrote very simply. And it wasn't until after I read a bunch of Ernest Hemingway. I was working at Barnes and Noble and this person said, don't you love his titles? And I was like, yeah, Sun Also Rises. And they're like, yeah, but no, the Sun Also Rises. And I was like, yeah, Sun Also Rises. And they're like, no, this? No, the Sun Also Rises. And I went, oh, oh, yeah. That is badass. Yeah. And then I'm like always late to the party with anything. And then that night we were all doing coke and it was like five in the morning, and we ended up on the roof of my apartment in Greenwich Village. And this. The, like, I'm a sunset guy. I grew up in Florida, but sunrises in New York are electric blue. Like, electric blue. And I was like, the Sun Also Rises. Yeah.

He was so good with just a handful of words.

Yeah.

The simplicity, the choice of words. Like, basically his process is carving down right.

Drunk edit. Sober. Right.

Drunk at it. Sober.

Yeah. But he was good at like. At like a small amount of words to. To get a point across. I'm the exact opposite.

Well, he's also said the first draft of anything is always. Is that. Is that true for you?

I think so.

The best one I have, it goes downhill from there. So for you, editing is destroying the original.

The first time I tell it, the first time I tell it, it's perfect. It's perfect. It just. It works. And then I go, great. And then I take it and I try to fix it and make it better and jazzier. I just joke and razzle dazzle about my daughters and I driving past a deaf child sign. And I just told it on stage. It just happened. And Louis was in the audience because I love that joke. I said, really? He was, yeah. And I just told it and I went, done. Louis CK says he likes a joke. It's fucking. It's in the special. And I tried to fucking razzle dazzle that joke into like a 15 minute bit. It got to the point where it was so obnoxious, it was so bad that I told him, I did a podcast with him. I said, what did you like about that joke? Because I can't get it to work anymore. Because it was just simple. It was simple that your daughter didn't know how they figure out where deaf kids lived. I went, that's it. He was like, yeah. I was like, nothing about gun control. And he was like, huh? I was like, oh, fuck, man. I really fucked that joke up. And then I had to go back to the beginning of. But that first time, that's when the joke comes out purest for me. And then it's always chasing back to get that first telling. Some jokes are different. Like the machine obviously was a much longer story and escape room for this one. The longer stories take a little work, but the simple ones, like the deaf child in pajamas and those first times are perfect.

What do you think is it about the machine story that works that was so captivating for people?

I think it's a. I think. I don't know. I really wish. I don't know. I think it's a good story. I think it's a good story. I think everyone has something similar that happened in their life where they had a crazy night and that no one believed and they told their friends and their friend and. Or they experienced that with a friend like that, and. And I think. I think that's got to be it. I really don't know. I think there's a part of. I think there's a part of the. Like, our community of. Of comedy fans that were. That early death squad. That was fun to watch someone take something from the podcast and turn it into a bit on stage. Yeah, I think there's a lot of that, but I think people identify with a wild, crazy night that got out of control that they've probably had, too. I. I think. I don't know.

Do you think Putin knows who you are because of that story?

I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. But there's. There's a part of me that. That you got to understand is like, I'm not. I say stuff like that. I'm sure there's someone hears that and they go, who is this narcissist? You're like, no, that's not it. I'm just telling you the truth. Like, I understand what I'm supposed to say. Well, you know, I don't know. I. You know, I. I don't know. That's hard to say. But I don't fucking give a shit about that guy. I'm not that guy. I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth. The second it comes out, I'm going to be 100% honest. I don't know any other way to live. I kind of hope so. That would be fucking cool. And I. Look, I know he's a bad. I guess he's a bad dude. I don't follow politics. Done. But it'd be cool if, like, one day someone's like. He's on his computer and some guy goes. And he's like. He's like, duh. And he's like. And it shows it to him, and. And then he's like, fucking this guy. Huh?

It's not out of the realm of possibility that Putin has watched it. And this. This podcast has kind of made me realize how, like, small the world is. I've gotten to meet some incredibly.

Oh, like, especially the people, interesting people. Like, that's. I mean, that's the thing where I go, it's gotten really crazy. The Internet's really insane and Netflix is really insane. And the reach of, like, people that, like, this is really simple. But, like, I'm a big fan of the show Drink Champs. I didn't think in a million years Nori would ever know who I was. And then he offered me to come do his podcast. And then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine, and I went, like, I remember moving to New York listening to you and Capone. Like, I'm sitting there going, wow. Like, and. And then. And the phone calls I've gotten since the movie came out and since Razzle dazzle came out have been really insane when you realize as much as I know about people and I, I like, there's people I'm fans of that don't know who I am. That, that, like, that are like, they're like some pitcher in Florida that I follow the kids I like. I, I fun to watch him pitch. There was a softball player in Tempe that she do catching drills, and I was really into softball with my daughter, and we watched her catching girls. There's a girl Deglazer, who me and my daughters would watch her dance videos, and then I hit her up. She's like, you know who I am. And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the way the world works.

What world leader would you drink with if you could see Russian Putin. So Putin doesn't drink much. Yeah, Zelensky drinks more, but also not much.

Horse Yeltsin would have been a good one. He would have been a good one. I mean, like, I, I go. Hitler was a. Like, he, he drank wine with a, With a, With a spoonful of sugar in it.

You never drank, what? Churchill.

That's my whole. And that's my guy. Yeah, you know that's my guy, right?

No, I don't know. That's your guy. So he. He did champagne.

Well, let me. You don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill. He. I found out about his daily routine. Yeah. So his daily routine was a big breakfast. Cigar, coffee, eggs over eggs, sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed. And he'd sit there for three hours, and he'd hold morning breakfast, and that's. They'd come in and he'd run through his day, and then he'd get in the bathtub for an hour and drink champagne. And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose or whatever the fuck they ate back then with more champagne. And then, and then, and then, I mean, and then he'd take a nap. And like, I love that. So every year on the day of his death, I think it's January 24th, I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did. And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all fucking day. That would be the guy to drink with. That would be the guy. If you could pick anyone to drink with.

He drank every day throughout the day.

He lived like 94 and was one.

Of the most heroic figures in human history. Never, never surrender.

I mean, what a fucking badass thing, you know. He taught, he taught the queen. The queen was like, like a, like a window licking idiot, right? Like she was, she had a third grade education. So like her dad dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever. The first thing they do is they pull her out of school. They're like, you're done learning. You're just gonna be the queen. You gotta know, this is what you need to learn. Don't make, let people make eye contact with you. Put your hand out like this. Don't let people touch you. So she like, she had like a really. I saw the, by the way, I didn't do this research. I just watched the crown, okay? And Winston Churchill kind of taught her about world politics and was. They like coming. And she'd be like, Winston, what did we do in Africa? And he's like, this is going to be a tough one. And so. Yeah, so, but Winston Churchill is the badass. But if I had to drink with someone living like, drink. There's like, there's a two obvious one. Like obviously it's Kim Jong Un, right? You kind of want to he drinks. No, he does. You think my IVs are good in the morning? You know Kim Jong Uns IVs are next. You're like, I feel up. And he's like, it's amphetamine. He would be a badass to drink with.

I think he drinks hard liquor.

I think it's scotch. Johnny Walker Blue. That's what I've heard.

I don't know where you heard this, but I like this.

Okay? So I say things like that, but then I'm sure I, I, I, I, I, I don't know if you've ever party with someone who just parties a little different than you and then you Notice like. Like, sometimes celebr. Like athletes. And then, like, you're at a strip club, and then they. They talk weird to a woman. You're like, oh, that's not me. I'm so sorry. So that would be the thing. The atrocities would be hard to get past with him.

Not just the atrocity, but the way of being. I agree with you. I actually don't like drinking with rich and powerful. There's something weird about them.

Yeah.

Not. Not all of them.

And I don't, like. I don't like a drinking meeting. Like, when someone goes, like. Like, people go like, hey, I'm taking you out tonight. We're drinking.

Yeah.

And then I go, oh, that's not the way I like to do it. It gives me anxiety. Like, our lives are very different, you and I. Yeah. Were you in a fraternity?

No. We could start there yet. No, I was not.

Okay.

And the differences continue from there, I'm sure.

So when you get your pledge pin, they take you out, and their whole thing is, you're gonna. We're getting you up.

Yeah.

That energy is not my energy. I don't like that. Like, it's. I just go, why don't we just get drunk and feel really good about ourselves? Like, I never, like, took mushrooms to see Jesus. I just wanted to enjoy rain X on a windshield. Like, so. Like, that. That, for me, is, like, one of my things. So if. If Kim Jong Un flew me to North Korea to drink with him, I'd be like, I'd have to start really getting blackout drunk on the plane to enjoy drinking with him that day.

What's your favorite, like, different occasions. What's your favorite drink? What's your favorite way of drinking?

It's. It's. I've got. It varies.

So what are the different contexts here? It's like, one on one.

One on one.

Like, you sit down with. I don't know, Rogan invites you. Like it's a godfather to sit down and finally have a talk about something.

It's gonna be whiskey. It's gonna be, like, a nice whiskey neat. No, I like it on the rocks, and I like lots of rocks. It won't be something expensive because Rogan is not. He's not a fancy boy, you know? Like, he's a real regular. He's a really regular dude. He's gotten less regular the more millions of dollars he has. I think there's parts of him where you're like, yeah. Like, where you're like, oh, wow, we can do this.

Yeah.

But he's A race. He'd be like Jack on the rocks. Or like, probably Buffalo Trace or one of the. Maybe a little whiskey he's buying. Rogan be whiskey rocks. And then, like, that's a good. I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves. I take that back. I was with him the other night, but, like, it would be cool. My times with Joe's are. Are always on podcasts. Yeah. And his. I missed the times where it was where you just have you and him at a. At a. At the store, late night.

Yeah, I'm okay with podcasts. Like, I. I used to think this is like, performative or something like this, but it's not really. No, it's just a chance to really sit down.

I enjoy it because of the people I could never sit down with.

Ah.

Like David Cross. I wouldn't never sit down with David Cross because we don't run in the same circles and. But it's nice he has something to promote. And then he comes to my house and. And then we can sit down for an hour and talk. And then. And then. Or Kevin Smith. Like people. I would never really hang out with Tom. I enjoy being alone with Tom.

More off mic.

Yeah, we have a lot of history. There's a lot of things. Secrets we know about each other. And there's a lot of secrets going on in each other's lives that I would never share on podcasts that I. That I can talk to him about. And I really appreciate his. And I know this isn't on brand of us beating each other up, but, like, I really appreciate his insight as a. As a dad and as a dude and as a son. But. But he makes me giggle harder than anyone. So doing a podcast is fun.

So there's something on a podcast that's performative for you with him. And then there's a part me and.

Him because we're trying to make each other laugh. But I'll tell you, if we're going back to drinks, I'll tell you like a great. A great afternoon drink is a Campari Spritz. It's my. One of my favorite drinks in the world.

I don't even know what that is.

Oh, Party Spritz Campari is an interesting alcohol because I think it's a bitter or it's a liqueur, and it's got a weird, rooty, earthy taste. It's red, so it looks like Kool Aid. That's why I got into it. I thought Party on Ice would be oh, so nice. It was an old Commercial, but, man, it's like sucking the Green Giant's dick. It is earthy.

What's earthy?

It's like. It's. It tastes like roots. It's.

Oh, nice.

It's not. It's not. It's. Oh, there's a bitterness and like a. It's just not great. And then someone introduced me to a Negroni, which is Campari and gin and a little soda water, and then Campari spritz. Campari spritz is Campari, Prosecco and soda water in, like, a wine glass. And it is so enjoyable. It's got so many different profiles to it, where you get the bitterness but the sweetness of the Prosecco, and then it flattens it out with the soda water, and it looks like Kool Aid. So I love it. That's one of my favorite drinks to share.

In what context?

Oh, you're in Italy, and you've been walking around Venice, and everyone went their own ways, and the whole family comes back together, and you meet at a statue and. And your wife's sweating and she's uncomfortable, and Your daughters are 16 and 18, and they're like, what are we gonna. What are we doing with the rest of the day? And you go, hey, guys, it's Europe. Does anyone want a Campari spritz? And everyone goes, I don't know what that is. And you go for Campari spritz. Now, it's minor and alcohol, so it's not going to light them up, but it gives them a little bit of a buzz where they're like, dad, these are nice. Isla didn't drink her, so I drank hers. I. Georgia had hers, Leanne had hers, and we ordered another round. I ordered an. And they're refreshing, and the buzz is perfect. It's not too much because it's just a little bit of champagne and some Campari. It. The buzz is perfect. And then a couple of them, and then they kind of disappear, and then you're just walking around again. That's a great drink.

You have a drink alone. So there's a. Two kinds of alone. One is alone, like, at a bar. There's other people, but they're strangers, right? They're kind of, like, out there.

Keep going. Yeah, keep going. Tell them, walk me through all the alone, and then I'll tell you the rest.

All kinds. There's all kinds of. There's a alone on a train. Transporting. Alone. Train. Plane. And then there's just alone in the. In an empty home or a hotel room. Hotel. And it's Sunday Night, Sunday night.

And you're packing your bag and you got a flight at 6am yeah, but Roadhouse is on. And you're like. So you go down to the front desk and go, is the bar still open? And they go, yeah. Can I order some to take to my room? Sure. How about six Heinekens? Six Heinekens? Yeah, my wife wanted one, too. She's not up there. You murdered. And you just say to yourself, I'm just getting six, so that if I have four, I just know I have two extra ones. And then you go through six and you're like, oh, man, I'm not done yet. Dude, I've drank in every alone scenario you can possibly think of. I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude who didn't know I was drinking. He was like. I was like, can I drink in here? And he's like, absolutely not. And then I poured it into a flask and opened it and drank it. And he's like, dude, we're in a fucking helicopter. You don't think I smell that? The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion. Now we're getting to the weeds. On it is alone behind someone's back.

What do you mean?

Like when they don't know you're drinking, but you're drinking, like. Like Christmas shopping. Ah. And. And your wife says, all right, let's all split up. And you go, cool. And it's like. It's like 11 o' clock on a Sunday. And they just opened that bar by the elevator in the Beverly Center. And you just sneak over and you go, hey, man, can I get a double check on the Ross Ox Rots? And they're like, sure. And you just have it. And you just go, that's just. And then you're off. And then you're like, yeah. And then you just little sneak one. Sneak it, sneak it. And then.

And then buzzed and nobody knows.

And then your wife's like, wait, have you been drinking? You're like, do I? Yeah. I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall. Yeah. On Christmas. How sad do you think I am? And then you go, yeah, I am.

What about Mood? Do you ever drink in. In a dark place?

So I broke. I had a chick break up or a chick cheat on me when I came back from Russia and she slept with my best friend. And I didn't know how to deal with the emotions I had. And my buddy Mike Osborne said, I can tell you this, if you drink, they go away. And I went, okay. And that was the first and kind of last time I ever did that. Because I did it. I've done it. I've done it a couple times. But I try to avoid. If there's emotion going to alcohol, like, meaning I. Not when it's anxiety, but, like, depression.

Yeah.

I kind of sit in the depression because. Or anxiety. I lean towards alcohol. Like anxiety, like, about flying or. Or just, like, getting worked up on over something. But with depression, I try to avoid alcohol and just sit in it because I. Because I've gone there before. But anxiety is. I land. I land all the time.

But depression, heartbreak, all that, you just sit in the feeling.

Yeah, heartbreak's a weird one for me. So, like, the last time I got my heart broken, Leanne dumped me. We were dating for, like, four months, and she broke up with me. And my instinct was to have a drink. My friends went to this. This Middle Eastern restaurant, and I told him what was going on. And my buddy Corey's like, let's get a cocktail. And I was like, I don't want one. I gotta figure this out, because I want this chick. And if I start drinking, I'll be like, ah, fuck it. So I gotta figure it out. Like, I wonder. I'm gonna find out my dad dies one day, or my mom. But my dad will be the rough one. My mom will be equally as rough. My dad and I were really close, and I wonder if I've thought about this a lot, if I'll have a drink dealing with that. Like, I think about that a lot. I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra. My dad. My dad had a 100 blockage in his widowmaker twice. And both times they saved his life. And he got a stint, I think, 12 or 13 years ago, and then he just got a stint this last year. But so everything I get to do, I feel like, is extra. And so, you know, he was just at the premiere of my movie, and he got to see that, and he had a very emotional response. And I got to. I got that from him, and I was like, that. That's a little icing on the cake. I did. You know, the arena in Tampa was the first time he ever saw me do stand up that was like a little extra. So all these things I'm getting with him are all extra. So I have. You know, and he's 74, so. Yeah, that'll be a tough one.

Well, at the premiere, he was, what, proud?

Yeah. He came out, he was sobbing, crying, and he goes, I've underestimated you. Your whole life. And I was like, what? And he's like. And he just. And he was shaking. He goes, I just underestimated you. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know you were this. I didn't do. Whatever. It was really hard to understand him, to be honest with you. I don't know totally what he said. He might have just not liked the movie.

I think you were hearing what you wanted to hear. What'd you learn about life from your father?

It's not gonna make sense. I want to feel like sometimes I'm like a professional wrestler, because all I care about, you come and see me do stand up. So whatever I got to do to get you there. But the number one thing, my one takeaway from that man's humility. And I applied. I've applied it in different ways throughout my career. On my 26th birthday, he gave me a really aggressive speech. He. I was hungover, and I just thought he was going to say happy birthday. So I picked up the phone, and I was like, hey. And he was like, you are a tremendous piece of shit. And he broke me off. You have no humility. You have no this. You'll never succeed at anything. You're lying to yourself. You're lying to everyone around you. You're not doing what you're going after your dream. I broke you. I failed you as a father, this and that. I was like, I thought you were going to wish me happy birthday. And so in that speech, he told me, if I wanted something, I had to go at it, and I had to go after it as. As hard as I could. And I had to do whatever it could, I could do to achieve that. In this case, it was working. Offering to do anything at the comedy club to get on stage. He told me. I told him, man, that's not how it works. And he said, no, that's how it works for some poor kid from Harlem, because that kid needs it. He goes, you've grown up with privilege your whole life. You don't need it. You think you're going to be fine. And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door. But it's humbling. It's really like. It made me feel uncomfortable. And so that humility is. It's the first time I really understood humility, and I've applied that in many respects in. In, like, getting to be a paid regular at the Comedy Store. That happened late in life for me, which I think most people would give up and be like, fuck that I'm already a touring comic. I'm on tv. I don't need that. But it's something I wanted and I knew I wanted, so I. I just humbly went after it. And then I think I. I still apply it when it, when it comes to selling tickets or selling a project to fans or even to doing podcasts, I try to be as honest as I can about whatever I'm going through or whatever I'm dealing with. But when it comes to, like, selling things I don't have, I don't have a problem trying to make fun of myself or get in front of people so that they know that I have a show. Because the thing I'm good at, the one thing I know I'm good at, stand up. And I say that humbly, but I want them to come there. So I've heard people make fun of me before. They're like, yeah, I'm not somebody. Not some clown in a speedo who's one who's gonna. I'm a real comic. And I go, okay, but I want it. I want them at my shows. And you can be that guy and I'll be this guy.

Yeah, the clown and the speedo.

Yeah. It's like, what are you gonna do? Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off, like, I guess behind my back. No one ever does it to me. Like, no one would ever. Comics aren't. Comics aren't. Comics aren't that manly. Yeah. Yeah. But I always go like. I always go like, who? What do you care? What am I? What do you care?

And you love taking shirt off more than anything. You know, when something becomes meme and becomes super popular, becomes easy to not love the thing anymore, to get tired of it. You still love it.

Well, more than anything, I like being shirtless more than having a shirt. I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt.

Yeah.

Like right now. And I have tactile issues. Like, I have legit tactile issues. I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans with a loose fitting belt and then these shirts. Exactly. But I don't. I like more like a V neck. I feel I can feel this on my neck right now and I can feel it on my arms. And so I'm. I'll sit a certain way because it just rubs me wrong. Be a more comfortable shirtless. I can never wear what you're wearing. Yeah.

Well, this is my shirtless. We each of us have to find our place in this world in terms of fashion.

I would love to be able to Wear what you wear. Yeah, because it looks good.

It feels like an escape from convention.

You or me?

Both of us.

Yeah.

Because this. Nobody wears this unless you work security for somebody.

Yeah, but it looks good on you.

Does it? I don't know.

You know, I think people think. I don't. Like, they say, like, what. What if you lose weight? You can't take your shirt off anymore. Go. No, I can take my shirt off. Yeah. You out of your mind? I'm gonna take my shirt off all the time.

You mentioned early on heartbreak after the Russia trip with a girl who slept with your friend. Let's go back to Hemingway quotes. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them. So to go all in with the trust. I love Hemingway so much. Have you been betrayed in your life?

Yeah.

What do you think about trust?

That's an interesting question. I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple times by really close friends. And I'm not someone who can. Like, I have a mantra that. I mean, I'm. I don't know if people have heard it or not, and I hate. I hate sharing it. But it's. But it's true. The mantra is, so you think I'm weak? Like, you think it's like, that's my thing. Because I feel like people take advantage of me. And I go, so you think I'm weak? You forget everyone that like. And I'm named. The. The people that have betrayed me. I'm a larger man than all of them. And. And. But I. And so that's what really with me is. I go, so you think I'm weak? Like, where I grew up, when you do stuff, there was physical consequences. I grew up in Florida. Like, I've been beaten up a bunch. I'm not saying I can fight, but, like, I'm not scared of getting beaten up. And the. The times that I've been betrayed and. And even. I know, even, like, by Ari, whichever. People see that drugging as a betrayal, and I did for a period, but it was. It was only because it was Ari, and he was my. One of my best friends, and me and him had to work through that because I couldn't not love him. Like, I couldn't not have him in my life. He means a lot to me. He really does. He's a great friend to have, but he's also. I don't know what was going on with him at that time, but he made a bad decision, and I had to forgive him for that because I knew he Knew my mantra. I think I'm harder to trust people now. I'm not as apt to trust people at all. But there was a moment. I don't know if I've ever shared this, and I don't know how this will sound, but there was a moment that information got leaked about a thing, and all my managers and agents, both. Both Tom and my Tom, and our managers and agents would like to separate. Either separate us or one of us. One of them. Get both of us. It's just more lucrative for them. Sure. So they have always kind of pitted us against each other a little bit. And they do it subtly. They'll do it to me and my team, and then his team will do it to me, and then my team will do it to him, and his team will do it to him. And there was a moment where information got leaked about this thing I was doing, and my team was like, just so you know, your. Your boy Tommy is. Is the rat. And I had to. It was the one time. And Leanne said, do you think Tom would do that? I said, I. I don't know how faith works. Like, I'm not a super religious person, but I will tell you that I believe in Tom, and I don't think he did it. And I will stand by that ignorantly. And. And I will. And I will ride or die with him because I cannot live in a world where I don't trust him.

Yeah.

If I don't trust him, then I am so. And. And it wasn't him. It wasn't him. And it was. It's a cool feeling to know that you could. Like that you could blindly trust someone. Blindly have faith in someone. Know that they have your best interest at heart. But, yeah, it took me a while to get there. Rogan helped me get there because I wasn't trusting him or Joey or Tommy or anyone. I wasn't trusting anyone. I'd gotten in a bad thing, and I just wasn't trusting anybody. And Rogan was like, yo, man, we're trying to be your friend. And I was like, yeah, I don't. I don't need friends. I couldn't understand what. Why Rogan was interested in me. And I was. I said to, like someone. I was like, is he gay? Like, what the. Yeah. And then he was just a nice guy. He was just a nice guy.

That'd be hilarious. If Joe was sexually attracted to you this whole time. This whole time is the reason he keeps inviting you back.

I would be more excited. I would be more excited if just if he tried to kiss me on the lips once, just. And just in, like, in a Scotty, Scotty J way from Boogie Nights, where he's like, what, do you like my car? Yeah.

You know, nobody would believe that story.

No one. Yeah, if I was Joe, I would kiss dudes all the time and then be like. And then. And then when they didn't kiss back, oh, you know, no one will ever believe you.

Yeah. When you trust people like that and they. You over, that can really, really, really hurt.

You end up on a treadmill in a hotel room fighting with them. You fight with them all the time. You fight with them all the time. You fight with them all constantly. And it's. And I. And I. I have this thing, like, I ruminate on an idea and I can't get it out of my head. And I hear the words they say, and I.

And so all in your head on.

A treadmill, in your head, just fighting, just fighting.

And then.

Yeah. And then one day you get past it. Like, one day you just go, yeah, them. I'm not gonna give them real estate. And then you just forget about them. And then they reach out and they'll. They'll try to be a dick or a bully because they're bullies. They're bullies is what they are. Don't ever forget it. They're bullies. And they got bullied. It's not their fault. They got bullied. And then they try to bully you and you. And you don't have any connection anymore. And you're like, oh, you can go yourself. You can actually go yourself. You're not my boss. You're not my wife. You don't me. You don't pay me. Get the out of my life.

But this kind of mantra of that, you're not weak. You still want to be able to be fragile to the world and appear weak almost.

I am. I am. I mean, that's the problem is I think I am pretty fucking weak. Like, I'm not the strongest dude out there. I have really thin skin. I get my feelings hurt all the time.

Yeah.

And so. But like. But it sucks when you watch, like, your friend see something in you that you go. They go, fuck him. He's not paying attention. Him. Let's just. Him, let's take his money. You know what? Him. He doesn't know what the he's doing. Look at me. He's a drunk alcoholic. And you go, oh, no, I pay attention. Like, I'm. I'm wide awake. I'm here. I'm Working my ass off. You're not gonna.

Well, that's the tough thing about, like, you and Tom Segura. You're at the top of your game, on top of the world. Some most famous comics in the world. And you could see money start to creep in, like business decisions.

Yeah. I don't know.

It's a tough. It's a tough place.

It's really tough. It's really tough, you know, especially as we're growing. And. And I'll tell you what, it. I don't know how much I'm allowed to say, but I can tell you this. We had a business deal where feelings were getting involved and money was involved in that, and the money was causing the feelings. And one of us said to the other person, our feelings are more important than the money, so let's just split the money. And it was. And it was. And it was. And it was really, like, a solid moment where I. Where both of us were like, that is how we should run this. Yeah.

That's the interesting things, like, with bands. You have, like, popular bands that split and even.

Yeah.

Even though it's clear that the contribution is not even. It's like, there's a front man and all that kind of stuff, but it's ultimately the right thing to do to say you to the money for the most part, and prioritize the feelings.

Yeah. Especially because, like, I couldn't do it without him. He couldn't do it without me. We do it separately. We'll have guest bears on. Some will blow up, some won't. You can never figure it out, but when we're together, it does well. And so we need each other for it to work. And we've, you know, like I said, we're on a handshake deal with two bears, and no one likes that, but we're like, hey, I mean, we. I don't like, to the point where, like, he'll call me and go, yo, we have a deal to do this for X Amount. Are you in? And I go, yeah. I don't check the books. I don't need to. I don't. I don't. I know him. I just know him.

Yeah. What do you love most about Tom Segra?

We saw a gay couple one time.

It was a good start.

And there was one guy was in khakis and one guy was in jean shorts with a python around his neck.

Yeah.

And Tom goes, if we were gay, which one would you be? I said, I'm python. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I'm Khaki. And I go, really? And he goes, yeah, that's why we work. And he goes, all relationships for pythons and khakis. And I went, really? And he goes, look at you and Leanne. Who do you think you are? I go, I'm python. And he goes, she's khaki. And he goes, me and push. I go, oh, she's python. He goes, and I'm khaki. He goes, I'll always be khaki. And sometimes I'll have a relationship around the python, but I'm usually a khaki.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I am a little bit of a lunatic. I'll tell you a moment that explains me and him that the world will never see. It was just a great moment. We got stem cells with Rogan one weekend. Yep. And one day, and I'd had surgery in my arm, and I didn't want to do it. I was terrified. And Tom just said, just come out and meet up with us. Tom knew he was going to make me get them, and so I got them. And he, you know, Joe's there, and so we're just all talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm. And Tom can see that I'm spinning out a little bit. And I get in the car, and, you know, Tom's got a Porsche. So we're, like, right next to each other, and I just want to feel if it's swollen. And it is a little swollen because I just got an injection. And then. And Tom's driving, and he's got his hand on the thing. He just puts his hand on my arm, and he goes, you're okay. He's just. He's watching. He knows me so well that he knows that I'm spinning out of control. He's like, you're okay. And then I was like. And I felt okay. I was like, you're right. I'm okay. What the fuck am I doing? My brain's that brain, man.

That guy got so much love in him, dude.

He does. He has. You know, he had a fantastic relationship with his dad. And. And. And I think whatever that did, that dude did to create that dude, he hit it out of the park because he has so much love that he doesn't need reciprocated, like, at all. Like, he can just love. And then he feels good for him to give and to, like, take care of someone. And, like, you know, he started the whole birthday gift thing because. And he didn't need to. He just was like, hey, man, I had this bike. I Thought you'd like it. And then, of course, I've turned it into a bit, and now we're upside down. I'm 120 upside down on a race car that we can't make our money back on.

I love it. What do you love most about Joe Rogan?

Oh, that dude. I could go on and on about Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan is the most selfless individual I've ever met. He doesn't care if he has you on the podcast. He wants you to be the funniest person in the room. He wants you to be the smartest person in the room. Let me tell you something. Joe Rogan is 10 times smarter and funnier than me. He wants you to shine. He wants you, he wants to put you over to his fans. That shit did not exist before he started doing his podcast. People didn't share you with their fans because no one was like, hey, man, come on, on the road with me. They brought you on the road because they wanted you to suck and they put you in bad scenarios. Joe Rogan wanted you to shine. He gave, he gave so many people beautiful career. Gave them careers, gave them. Joe could have looked at his podcast as his thing. This is my thing. I bring on these guys, I'm gonna be the funniest guy in the fucking room. I know some guys that have done that. Might be me, might be. I might talk over people and not listen. Really? Well, Joe did the opposite. Now, look, I've tried to learn from Joe on my POD and do the same. That guy, when you think about it, you name 10 of his friends. I bet eight of them are doing arenas right now. They're all doing theaters. All his friends do theaters. All his friends do theaters. He is, he is just, you know, I, I, he. And he won't accept this compliment. I tried paying it to him in, in Austin, when I was in Austin last night.

Well, he's not good at accepting compliments.

I gave him a gift, too. And I said, hey, I need, I need to show you. I can't just tell you this because it's going to fall in deaf ears. I need to give you a minute so you have something so you know that I think about you. And I'm grateful for having you in my life a lot for many reasons. I have more friends in my life because of you. He taught me how to trust people again. I have a career because of you. I have a major motion picture because of you. I do arenas because of you. Without you in my life, a lot of these Things maybe never would have happened. I never would have told the machine on stage. I wouldn't have gotten. I would have never started a podcast. I wouldn't have three podcasts. Like, I mean, all these things are things. He, not just, he didn't just take me to the water one time and give me a drink. He. He gave me a machete and he said, this is how I get to the water. You got to cut your own path. But just giving you a heads up, you can also use my path whenever you want. I mean, he, he is the most selfless individual. He will go down in history as one of the 10 most important people in stand up comedy. Without a doubt, he changed the game. It didn't exist like this before him. And, and he won't accept that compliment.

What was the gift you gave him?

I can't tell you.

Is it a dildo?

It was a dildo. The double sided dildo. I go, hey, when you get free time, can we scissor fuck each other?

You're happily married for 19 years, so I think you're a good man to ask, how do you find love? How do you find, how do you date in order to find a love of your life, a lifetime?

This is going to sound off, but don't, don't tie yourself down. Meaning, like, don't spend time with those little mini shrimp and peeling them every night when you know you're looking for a lobster.

Yeah.

Like. And so I think what happens, a lot of guys, they just, they're so busy in, like, just getting pussy and going from here to here to here. I was never that guy. I always wanted to. I always wanted to find someone who understood me. I always wanted that. And so, you know, granted, I haven't had sex with a lot of chicks, but that's. And it's. And it's not by choice. I'm saying, like, maybe there was times I would have done it, but I. But I know that I was always looking for someone to figure out to get me. And then, and then I will say this. When you know, you know, when you know, you know, when you think there's. I can't imagine a life without this person that happened to me. And I can only say my experiences. I had Leanne. I loved her, and I didn't even realize it. And the second she dumped me, I went, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I don't get to live a great life without her. She's the thing that's going to give me a great life. I knew it. Undisputed. I went for a run and she dumped me. I went into my shower, I cried. I went to Barnes and Noble. I bought Men Are from Venus, Women Are From Mars. I watched Fight Club in my closet. I didn't drink. I drank a lot of NyQuil to sleep. And then I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon. I was running back down Outpost by Ben Affleck's house, and. And the sun was setting and I just said, God, if you're listening, just give me this chick back. I'll never it up. This is the one. I won't it up. I won't cheat. I'm not going to be a bad dude. I want to have kids with her. I'll be there. I'll be a great dude. I'll take her out on dates. Like, I'll love this chick. And I got home and she was in my room in a sundress.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, fuck. I didn't know he was real. Yeah. I was like, shit, man, Give me like, one more night. Let me some strange tale real quick before I commit forever. But I think when you know, you know, this is so silly, but I follow that in business. Like, when you know, you know. And like, my assistant's with us, and someone goes, how did you. How do you find a good assistant? I go, when you know, you know, like, people will show you who they are. I can tell you when I fell in love with my assistant. We were doing a TV show, and. And we worked past dinner, and all the dinner places were closed, and he just said, hey, I got like four meals. I didn't know which one you'd want, so I got four different meals for you. I ordered them. They're up in your room. And just let me know whichever you want. I'll take care of the rest of them.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, that. That dude thinks about other people before himself. He didn't even get himself dinner. He just got me four dinners. And I was like, yeah, I did the same thing with my social media manager. The way she was operating was. I was like, I feel like she's thinking about me.

Yeah.

And we connected on so many levels. On so many levels. I could talk to her about things and ideas I had. And then I was like, okay, I want her, I want him. I want. I think you. I think it's got to be that thing when you know, you know, and it can be so simple as like, like a personal trainer or like a jujitsu class or like just where you Go, oh, I'm connecting right now.

But you have to allow yourself to notice that person.

You. I. I think you do. I mean, I think you have to put yourself out there, and you have to be available for it. You know, that's the hardest part, is just being available for it, because so people. So many people just want to be busy just dating.

Yeah.

I just want to have someone in my life. I don't want to be bored. I don't want to. What if I die alone? I don't want to. I, like, just be available for it.

What is it you said? Peeling the baby shrimp.

Yeah.

When you could be having a lobster. Lobster's still a lot of work, I have to say.

Yeah, but. Well, yeah, but it's lobster. This is a baby shrimp. Or like, you ever get. You ever get the ones in Brazil where you just go, it'll eat the shell. I don't care anymore. Like, I'm so hungry. And just. Handful of lobster. Like it's popcorn. Or baby shrimp? Like it's popcorn. I've done that in Vietnam. I've done that. Where I just go, it's too much work.

So when you're in it, what's the. The secret to successful marriage? What. What do women want? Be Kreischer.

Oh, that's. I'm the wrong guy to answer that, I think.

How to Make Love to a Woman by Burke Kreischer.

How do you make love to a woman? I'll tell you how I do it. Yeah. I go down on her first, make sure she has an orgasm.

Yeah.

And then I get my turn, and that's over pretty quick. It's like a. It's like, get your ears pierced, you feel a little prick, and it's over. I. I don't know if I've done a great job keeping her happy. I think I keep her interested. Like, I think I keep her occupied. I'm like a little bit of a rodeo clown. Like, I don't know. I mean, I know we're happy right now. I know we're really happy, but I don't know if I ever did as good a job as she did. Like, she's always been. Like, she's always been a gangster. Like, done did everything, just does everything. She does it all. She does everything. Like, everything. And she loves it. She just does it. And then she shows love for you by taking care of you. And so, like, I have a lot of time just been this, like, almost like, step and repeat husband where it's like, I come in to take A picture like, hey, Monday, Tuesday, all right, I'm on the road Wednesday, take care, guys. Or like Travel Channel. I'd leave for two weeks at a time. I left for the movie for three months. So, like, I don't know that I've ever done a bang up job. I buy it. Like, I go, I remember one time I was just like, I don't cheat on her. I don't hit her, I don't yell at her. I'm a pretty good fighter. I'm a really good fighter. Like. Like, I'm good at, like, going like, hey, we're on the same team.

Oh, you mean de escalation.

I'm really good at, like, I'm very self. I'm very accountable. I'm very self correcting. Like, if. If we're in a fight and she points something out and I go, oh, you're right. I go, you're right about that. You're right. You're totally right.

Oh, in the moment.

In the moment. I'm really good at that, huh? And my wife's not. She's not a good apologizer. Like, she needs to sleep on an apology and then she can do it. I can apologize in the moment if I realize I'm wrong and I'm really quick to find my fault. Yeah, I look for my fault because I go, tell me what I did. Adversely as a parent, I have pulled my daughters aside and been like, yo, that wasn't you, that was mom. Yeah, I'm giving you a heads up because I don't want. Because I got really confused as a kid because my dad always made sure I knew I was wrong and sometimes I wasn't.

Yeah.

And then as a kid, you're kind of up. You're like, well, how do I know if I'm wrong? And I think that raises. So I was really good with my girls going like, yo. And then. And then parenting. Georgia taught me a lot about self correcting. Self correcting was that my oldest and only. I parented like my dad parented. Like, just like, raise your voice, get up to here. That's it. No, that does it. Fudge this. How come the dogs don't have goddamn leashes, collars on their necks? And so with Georgia, I had to learn through therapy that if the, if the, if the consequences here and it. And the highest it goes is here, then why the wouldn't they lie and do everything? Because they go, well, I know what it's like to hear, but if you can vary your consequence with a child and find Some conversation in it. Then all of a sudden they're like, well, well, I don't want to. Like, this does. This does suck. I like this. I like where we talk and he says, write a thousand words on why driving around your kids in a car. Kids in a car is bad.

So threaten extreme violence every once in a while.

Just. Yeah, let them know. The dog can fucking bite.

Yeah.

The dog can bark. The dog can bite. But if you pet him on his belly, he'll wag its tail.

Yeah. Do you worry about being away too much? I mean, you're one of the most creative content pushers and creators out there. You're just constantly innovating, constantly putting stuff out there. But do you worry that pulls you away from, like, the mundane experience of life that can bring contentment and happiness?

Yeah. I feel like sometimes it cannibalizes your real life, where you start going, you start thinking in promo videos or you start looking at a vacation as a bit. Yeah, like, we should go ziplining. Why don't you do what shoes you wearing? Like, it can. It can definitely cannibalize your life. My wife's really good at going, like, no, like, no phones. The girls are really good. The girls. When I started Instagramming stuff, they started saying stuff like, dad hits mom. Guys, they're like, no, put your phone away. Yeah, dad. Dad, less boys. And I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Yeah, what's. What are some secrets, words of wisdom you can say for how to be successful online and all? Everything you've learned, you're kind of like the. The Mr. Beast of comedy, just innovating constantly in terms of how to promote stuff, in terms of how to present stuff across the different social media, across YouTube, podcasts, all that stuff.

I think the number one thing is don't be afraid to suck. No one sees the shit that sucks. Doesn't get views.

It just gets forgotten.

Yeah. Gets forgotten. The good stuff they remember, and then that's all they bring up. The stuff that sucks just goes away. And they're like, oh, yeah, did you do that? I don't even think I saw that. Fuck it. Who cares? Yeah. You know, it's like. It's like I watched one of my favorite stories about this is a guy named Sean Patton. I was explaining Instagram stories to him and Ari and Mark Norman, and I was explaining that you can set now sell tickets on Instagram stories. It was back when they swiped up, instead of tap the button, swipe up, and they didn't understand it. And I said, let Me show you. And I put up tickets for sale. And I said, you know, hey, guys, swipe up. And then I just showed them in 10 minutes. Look, this is how many people swiped up. It's 145 people. It's a lot of people to buy tickets for a comedy club. And they were like, whoa. And then I go ahead. What do you do? Stories about. I go, anything. Who gives a. Just anything. And some things work, some things don't. And I watched Sean Patton shout out to Sean Patton try for about 15 minutes to do an Instagram story about his cup of tea. He was making a cup of tea. And he was making. And he kept going, hey, okay, hold on, hold on. Let me. Yeah, I was filming him from the couch. Yeah, I was filming all these.

The whole thing.

Yeah, I filmed every single one of my, like, 15 different stories of him trying to do that. I had 145,000 views on each story. He never posted it. He never posted it. And I was like. I was like, man, if he had just posted that one, he never posted anything in his stories. Yeah, that one. 145. 5,000 people would have gone to his story to see that cup of tea being made and see which one he finally went with. And so sometimes I think the biggest mistake you can make is just not doing it. Just do it. Just post it. Turn the camera on. The idea will show up. And that. That's the number one thing. Just turn the camera on and it'll come up. You'll figure it out.

Do you do multiple takes or no?

Maybe I do three. Like, and I'm talking even, like, in the dance video I did, where I did the hip hop dance, I did two takes on that with. When I had the marching band come to my house, I did two takes on that. Once you start doing more takes, you lose the fun of it, I think. And. And then the fun ones, I mean, my favorite one I've ever done, without a doubt, my favorite promo I've ever done is I needed. They added a second show in some city, and. And. And they added a second show, like, Friday and Saturday and our third show. And I said. They just told me. I was like, I'm leaving, like, tomorrow. I need to sell tickets. So I said, real quick, girls, meet me outside. And Leanne's like, girls are doing homework. I go to take five seconds. I put on a speedo. I got the American flag. I gave Isla the hose. I gave Leanne the leaf blower, and I gave Georgia the drone. And I just had Georgia drone it back to reveal the leaf blower. And the mist you were seeing was coming from Isla and Leanne. Yeah. I'm in a Speedo with American Flag. I have Bob Seger playing Rambling Grambling Man. Yeah. And that night, Larry the cable guy texted me, and he goes, this is genius. And I was like, it was just. And it was just like, yo, just. Let's just shoot something. Who gives a fuck? Like, just shoot something. Just. Just. Just say something. And, And, And. And put a little. Just do a little movement into it. And. And those are my back. And that was. I used to be. I watched a bunch of my promo clips back from back in the day. I used to be really good. Now it's like I'm promoting so fucking many things. I'm just like. I'm almost like I'm exhausted about my promotions.

Yeah. Because, you know, the. The wall can dry up in terms of ideas.

Yeah. And it's like, how many times am I going to show a picture of my ass? My ass sells rude.