In this solo coaching video, certified life coach Jo Renshaw explains why many people set boundaries incorrectly—often by saying "no" while blaming, controlling, or trying to manipulate the other person. She introduces a more effective, love‑based approach: first, clearly state what behavior you want the other person to stop, then specify a concrete consequence you will take if they continue. Using the example of a guest smoking in the house, she shows how to request the behavior stop and follow it with, "If you keep smoking, I will ask you to leave," thereby giving the other person a choice while protecting your own needs. This method respects both parties, frames boundaries as self‑care rooted in love for yourself and the other person, and encourages listeners to practice this responsibility‑focused boundary setting in their own lives.
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Hi there, I'm Jo Renshaw. I'm a certified life coach, and today I would like to talk to you about one of my favorite concepts to talk about in life coaching, which is boundaries. So oftentimes we've been setting boundaries incorrectly. Now that's not because there's anything wrong with us. It's not because There's a problem with us. It's just because we've never learned this particular way today, which I'm going to teach you. So up until now, we've thought that setting boundaries has to do with saying no to the other person and then telling them all the things that they've done wrong, telling them what they should do and how they should show up in the future, controlling and manipulating them, and Making sure that they're taking care of our needs. And I wish this would work, but it's just, it's not an effective way because people don't want to take care of our needs. They want to do their own thing, and adults can do what they like, right? So the great way that I know how to set boundaries, and something that I found really effective Is to tell the other person what you want them to stop doing and then make a consequence of what you will do if that person continues to do what they are doing. So let's take the example of somebody smoking in your house. You have a guest come in and there's a rule that you have about people not smoking in the house. Now you don't need to announce this to everybody who walks in the door. Hey, don't smoke in my house. You just know that that's the rule. And so a guest comes into the house and they start smoking. Now you have an option. You can either say, hey, you shouldn't do that. How could you do such a terrible thing? Get out. Or we could make a request to that person, say, hey, I want you to stop smoking in my house. And then we can set a consequence. So we'd say, hey, I want you to stop smoking in my house, and follow it up with, and if you keep smoking, I'm going to ask you to leave. Now what happens here is we give the other person the opportunity to stop doing the thing that they've been doing that we don't want them to do. And we also give them the opportunity to carry on doing it while we get what we want by taking responsibility for what we want to have happen in our lives. So when we set the consequence of saying, I'm going to ask you to leave, if they want to keep smoking, they can leave and they can keep smoking, and it's no big deal. And what I love about this is that setting a boundary in this way comes from a place of love for yourself, where you're taking care of your own needs and your expectations. And it also comes from a place of love for the other person. So it allows the other person to be who they are. So in this example, it allows for the other person to keep smoking because they enjoy smoking. And it allows for you to be someone who doesn't like smoking and doesn't want it in their house. So I really would encourage you to practice this when you have an opportunity. If there are things happening or people are doing things in your life that you don't like, that you want them to stop doing, this is a really great way to stop controlling them and to take care of and take responsibility for your own boundaries and your own self-care and your own personal and emotional well-being from a place of love for yourself and for other people around you. All right, my friends, have a lovely day. Bye.
