In this instructional talk, Jo Renshaw explains that many people set boundaries incorrectly because they have never been taught the proper method. She defines a true boundary as a two‑part process: (1) a clear “no” or request to stop a behavior, and (2) a stated consequence that is applied only if the boundary is violated again. Renshaw contrasts this with reactive actions driven by anger or fear, which she says are not genuine boundaries. She highlights common misconceptions, such as believing that saying “no” plus an explanation equals a boundary, and points out that people often lie to themselves and others to avoid saying no, leading to self‑care failures. Through a personal anecdote about a roommate‑dog situation, she illustrates how saying “yes” when you mean “no” creates confusion and resentment. Renshaw emphasizes that boundaries are for self‑care, not to control others, and that clear boundaries allow both parties to understand limits. She also differentiates “standing up for yourself” (an emotional, often angry reaction) from setting a boundary (a calm, pre‑planned request + consequence). Finally, she offers a practical example of a smoking rule in a house, showing how to phrase the request and enforce the consequence, and encourages saying no without needing to justify it, framing decisions made from love as empowering.
Chapters
Most of us have been setting boundaries incorrectly, and that's not our fault. It's nobody's fault. We just haven't been told how to set boundaries properly. We think we know, but we don't. So we often think that saying no And then telling someone how they should behave is a boundary. But really, a boundary is saying no and following it up with a consequence. So it's only required when there's been a boundary violation. So let's imagine your house. The house is your boundary, and when someone comes into that uninvited, they've Violated the boundary, they've crossed the boundary. And at this point, you can either say, no, stop, and then yell at them and scream at them and throw things, or you can say no and then follow up with a consequence. Say, if you do this again, I'm going to call the police, or I'm going to leave— I'm going to leave the room, or I'm going to put the phone down. So I'll give you an example. Oh, before we do that, I want to just say we're often afraid of saying no, and we often tell a lie instead as an explanation and in an effort to control the way the other person is thinking about us. So we often set ourselves up for boundary violations because we say yes when really we mean no. So I'll give you an example of something, an experience I had with a friend who I violated a boundary for her, not knowing, and I'll explain a bit why as well. She— I went to I rented a room from her and I had a dog. And at the time my dog was living with my sister and I was missing my dog. He'd been there for a month. And I think that my sister had also had enough of him being there because it was a very, very big dog. If you scroll down my Instagram feed, you'll see how big he was. And then my friend who I was living with also had a dog the same, and the dogs knew one another. And I told her that I was going to go to my sister's and collect my dog and bring him back. And she said, okay. And we had a couple of weeks, and as the time went on, I began to notice that the atmosphere became more and more frosty. And eventually she lost her shit and she yelled at me. and told me how to behave. And this was really confusing for me because she had said yes, and really she meant no. She said yes and she meant no. And I, in that moment, wished she had said no to me. She'd, she'd given me a clear yes. And so it seemed good. So it was a shock when she said no. And so I want you to think about that with people in your life. When you say yes, if you really mean no, how is that for that other person when, when they hear later that you really meant no? So we need to get good at saying no so that we can say yes more often to the things that we really do want. No is always an option. We don't ever have to say yes when we mean no. We want to be in a place where we are choosing to say no or yes. But when we don't say no, we're choosing to do the thing that we haven't said no to. So in the case of my friend, when she said yes, she didn't say no when she really meant no. She chose to have the dog come in the house. So some of the thoughts that we tell ourselves, and we lie to ourselves about it, are, you can't say no to that, he won't like you anymore, you'll get in trouble, I'll be alone. That thought, I'll be alone, kept me in a relationship for much longer than I ought to have stayed in a relationship. That thought, I'll be alone, created a feeling of fear for me and kept me perpetually in a place that wasn't serving me at all. So boundaries are really a great way of practicing self-care. They're really a great way of taking care of ourselves. They're created for ourselves. And not for other people. If we don't have clear boundaries, people don't know where the boundary is. So if we're really clear about what we expose ourselves to and what we, what we stand for, what we will and won't stand for, then we know where the boundary is and other people know where the boundary is. When we know where our own boundaries are and we're willing to say no, Then we have respect for ourselves. So once we've established the boundary for ourselves, then we can let other people know. I want to have a word about standing up for ourselves, because we often think that standing up for ourselves is a way of setting a boundary. Well, it's something that goes in the action line of the model. If you remember the model: circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. So standing up for ourselves is an action that is driven often by fear, by worry, anxiety, by anger. It's not a boundary. It's taking place from— it's taking action from a place of exasperation and anger, from negative emotion. If you haven't told someone the truth and then all of a sudden you're standing up for yourself, They may not understand. And that was the case with my friend and the dog. She was standing up for herself and what she wanted in her home, but I didn't understand in that moment. You can always say no. You don't ever have to give an explanation, and you can do it with love. That is the ultimate in self-care. Something that my coach said on a coaching session I watched with her the other day, she said, You can make decisions from love, and then you become empowered. So the boundary— 2 parts always to a boundary: a request to the person to stop violating the boundary, something you want them to stop doing or, or do, and then a consequence for the boundary violation. So that's what you will do if they continue to do the thing you want them to stop doing. So let's just take the example of someone smoking in your house. Maybe you have a rule about someone not smoking in your house, and that person comes in and they smoke in your house. Then you can say to them, please stop smoking in my house. And if they continue to do so, you would say, stop smoking in my house, I'm going to ask you to leave. Now that's a very gentle example, but you can apply that to all sorts of situations. You are allowed to say no.
