You don’t need an perfect life to recover

Hi there, welcome to Bend and Snap Active People Getting Back on Track. Please say hi if you're here. Anybody that's new, massive welcome to the group. I'm Joanne Smith, Joanne Lee Smith as Facebook and Instagram and social media, just because Joanne Smith's not easy to find. So I'm here today Hi, Mark, it says you're watching, so that's great, it's working, always a bonus because I now go from my mobile phone, I've given up with a laptop. I've forgotten the title for my session tonight, but basically it's all about not needing the perfect life. In fact, I remembered, you don't have to have a perfect life to recover from chronic illness, chronic symptoms, Whatever it might be, that's the subject for tonight. So I'm here to spend the next 30 minutes just going through some general shares really from my own recovery journey and experience, things that I've realized along the way following a long, long journey with fibromyalgia and other chronic symptoms. Including jaw, ear, eye, leg, all kinds of, all kinds of different symptoms. So this is why I thought for tonight I'm going to talk about this, because a lot of people— and I've just realized that the lights are on and I hope they're not too distracting in the background, but hopefully they're not bad because if I turn them off I think it's going to be dark. I'll try it. I'll try it. Let's try it like that so it's not too disturbing because I know when I watch videos back I don't like having the lights in the background. Okay, so here I am following hula hooping on the park. That was fun tonight, we had really good weather and we had a new lady join us which is always nice. We normally end up with people that walk by that notice us and they come along and they find out who we are and they're like, oh, Do you do the hula hooping? And I'm like, yeah, it's exclusive, it's only for locals who— don't tell anyone about it because we don't want it to get too, too big. Anyway, so yeah, let's just take a little moment just to relax because what I'm gonna go through next is gonna be how we can separate life stress, stress from physical and getting well. So just have a nice slow breath, drop the shoulders. I've already done my relaxing with the hula hoops. So yeah, just remind yourself that you can do this and it is possible to recover no matter what's happening in life, no matter what life stresses are going on, because we're not able to control those things. But what we can do is how we respond to that. Like, many, many people are all dealing with all kinds of different responsibilities— work, family life, health worries, fears, scares, whatever it might be, relationship situations, friendships, social things. I know even being a volunteer can come along with its challenges. Leading groups, general chaos of life, general washing machines breaking, whatever it might be, you're not on your own with that. Like, it doesn't mean that if you've got a bit of chaos going on in your life, if you're homeless, if you've, you know, financial issues, all of these things, all kinds of things happening in the background, there are still many, many people that are still able to eliminate their physical conditions or symptoms with this understanding. So I'm just here to share really, shout it from the rooftops, because I, I, I, the same as other people, have challenges going on, different things that I need to deal with. This week's been a funny one, my mum decides to get a new phone and that's been a A massive amount of extra things to deal with. You wouldn't think just getting a new— your mum getting a new phone would be a big drama, but I won't bore you with the whole story. But anyway, the phone's not right for her, so I'll leave it at that. And I spent quite a lot of hours messing around with it anyway. But I don't need to hurt just because I'm having to deal with something boring. So yeah, I think I've gone on long enough about that now, about external stresses or triggers, some people call it triggers. Then I just want to reassure you that that isn't the problem, it's just what we have learned, what our brain, our nervous system has connected together Okay, so what can happen is, like, the issue itself is not necessarily the problem, but it's what's happening inside of our brain that is connecting that. So it may have made the decision that— let me think of an example. So my dad, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Then that's the stress, that's the trigger. My brain could perceive that as a danger, and then that equals, whoo, increase in symptoms. Migraine, migraine, migraine, back pain, back pain, back pain, whatever that might be. So it's connected that with the sensation of the pain, for example. So when it gets challenging, when life gets challenging, And our brain responds as if it's got to warn us that there is a real legitimate danger and threat. But that doesn't mean that it's the— that, that's causing the issue, the stress that's causing the issue. It doesn't mean that there's something physically wrong with you. Um, so a really good way of maybe responding slightly different might be To, um, like looking at it in a different way, for example. So instead of being like— a lot of people believe that they have to have this perfect life, they have to, um, oh well, when that's sorted I'll feel different, or I'll feel better, or when, um, when my job's sorted and I found my dream career and I'm not doing this one anymore, Then I'll feel like I'm gonna begin to get better, or whatever it might be. But actually, that other thing doesn't need to change. It's what's happening inside of us that, that can make all the difference. So we don't need to wait for that special moment in the future that hasn't even happened yet. We can ask ourselves, well, how else can I respond to this? Like, what other response could I do that could be more helpful right now? And it seems so simple, but honestly, because we can't control what happens around us, we don't know at what point that things are going to change in our lives, we don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, but how we respond, we have got a lot of power, agency over that. Like, how I'm going to respond when these things are happening. So we can actually begin doing a whole new way of responding, which actually our brains are capable of learning. They're capable of doing things differently. So we can just bit by bit start to tell ourselves a whole new story. It's a mindset shift. So we could be— I'll give you an example— it could be, life is pretty Pretty colourful right now, it's pretty stressful, whatever words you want to use, don't scare yourself with your words, but okay, I'm dealing with a parent that's got a really— having a difficult health issue, it's not easy right now, but I'm still safe, like, I don't need to hurt, I don't need to suffer, I can handle this, I don't need to be scared, those kind of— That seems so simple, but that really will take you in a whole new direction. Just expectation, just acknowledging, yeah, things are difficult right now, but I don't need to hurt, I don't need to suffer. We're acknowledging it in a way, you're acknowledging how you're feeling, your emotions, because emotions are a big part of, of this stuff, is recognizing and acknowledging how we feel rather than either purposely pushing them aside I ain't got time to deal with difficult emotions right now, so they can get pushed away. I mean, that would be what we'd class as suppressing. We know that we've got them, but we're not dealing with them right now, and then it can happen all by itself without even our conscious awareness. McDonald's app is pinging up. This is the only problem when you do it from your mobile phone and different things ping up. So, you can see how many McDonald's I've had recently. It's the porridge that I like, by the way, the breakfast porridge. With the jam. I enjoy that. So, um, yeah, yeah. So where I was at is I was just saying that that is a whole new, better input going in. I can actually recognize how I'm feeling. And I was just about to say that sometimes what can happen is we don't even know we're feeling anything, and it's fully repressed, like it's in the unconscious. We don't even know that that is there. And again, just by bringing some attention towards it, oh, like just acknowledging, oh my gosh, this has been a really tough day. I've had some really tough news. Well, it's been really difficult to handle. So just acknowledging and giving yourself that time can make a massive difference, and it just seems too simple to be true. like, no way could that happen— help, but it can. It can help hugely. Um, so yeah, um, things that might be deemed as a stressor may be a trigger, but they're not necessarily the root cause of what's going on. And many people, um, who start believing that— not start, who have got an ongoing belief that They need to change their job, or they need the kids to grow up. I need— a lot of it, this is a common trend of what a lot of people I talk with are like, oh well, at the minute it's impossible because I've got kids of this age, but when the kids are this, it'll be this, or when I've got that next promotion, or when I retire, or when this gets sorted, or that gets sorted. But again, that's actually unintentionally creating a dangerous message to yourself that, um, that can be interpreted by the amazing processor, the brain itself, that I can't be okay until this happens or that. And it literally does respond to all of our thoughts, everything that we believe and think. The brain goes, got you, got you, we can make that happen. So if we're living and believing that until I achieve X or Y or Z, I'm not going to be able to have any respite or relief, then unintentionally we might have ordered that. But if we start giving a better message of, actually, I know things are not perfect, but I can still be okay when chaos is happening all around me. Life doesn't need to be perfect, it rarely is. Like, what's the expression? There is no such thing as perfect, is what a lot of people say. It's what you believe. So I always say to people, I just want to reassure you that you don't need to wait For a specific calendar date, for a specific event in the future, for all the stars to line up and everything to be perfect. You don't need to wait, you can have it now. Like, it doesn't matter about what's happening outside. If we can teach, reassure ourselves that we can still get well no matter what, and we can separate those 2 things. We can separate a difficult or challenging relationship, or a difficult or challenging caring for a relative or a child, or problems, you know, whatever. We can separate the 2 things. That's a really good way that a lot of people manage to move forward with recovering, even if they're going through a really big breakup. People have got well during divorces, they've got well During losing family members, with grief, and at really difficult times where they've been going through massive changes. People still getting well with this mind-body approach. So yeah, remind yourself, once you know what it is, once you know what is the root cause, where the symptoms are coming, how it's been generated, and that if you're body is reacting to those things, those stressors, believing that they are legitimate danger, and the alarms are all being raised with inside your body physically is alarming you. Once you can separate the two and know, actually, there's no need for a panic, I am actually safe, there's no need to, um, respond in a huge amount of fear. And remember, the goal isn't just ignoring what's going on. We're not— it's impossible. You can't. When you're having a migraine and you're having, you know, really difficult symptoms, challenging things going on, it's not about ignoring what's going on. But it is about understanding, reassurance, going back to the clarity about what is this? And actually, the goal is to stop treating it like an emergency, because a lot of people struggle with that at first. But once you get better at not responding in that way, naturally things begin to quieten down as time goes on. And it can take time. You do need patience, sometimes infinite patience, but things do shift in time. It really does. So it's worth, like, taking a step back and actually observing and getting curious with whatever it is that you've got going on, like, in your life, and just looking for how things may be connected. So have you ever noticed that you do have symptoms increasing During certain times of the week, on certain days of the week, when you're around certain people? Be curious because it's amazing how many people do get a heightened amount when they're maybe doing visiting or around certain people. I'd be really interested if anyone had anything to share, if you're watching back on replay. Then, because many, many people are like, oh yeah, oh my gosh, yeah, there's so many times that things feel a lot worse when I have to go and do this job or that job, or when I have to go shopping, or I don't know what it might be. It could be that you've decided, I'm gonna go do— I'll give you an example actually from this week. So I was gonna be meeting somebody at a parkrun, and, um, they were absolutely well, no problems, everything was perfect, and then they woke up that day to come and do the run with a migraine. Um, and it's like, where did the migraine come from? Was it because they were coming to meet me? I hope not. But, but ultimately, if they, if they perceived that maybe as a bit dangerous, like, oh my gosh, what if I'm not What if I can't do it? What, you know, if they were having thoughts that were potentially being deemed as a dangerous situation, what better way to be protected? Because it's so much easier not to go at all and have a migraine and be off the hook. And I'm not saying that this is what was the cause of the migraine, it could be a million and one reasons, but it But I've observed a pattern over a long period of years where, and it's happened to me too, I'm not exempt, I'm a human too, if you're a human as well you're not exempt. How many times have you made plans with another person and then ended up being wiped out with some mysterious physical symptom? I mean, one time I was supposed to be going to do a long training run and somebody had this mystery knee issue that just came from nowhere. And I'm like, oh God, I hope that they're not feeling pressure. There is no pressure, but we all have got this same system working, and if, if something's sensed, even if that's something fun that you really want to do, you could be left baffled thinking your body is broken and why me, why every time, why every time. So even just knowing this stuff is Going to be so helpful just for life in general, just for being a person leading a life in the 2026. You know, we're halfway through 2026 already, and it's just like, um, if we can understand this stuff, we can protect ourselves and know the difference when we really do have legitimate physical issues Or when we've got the alarms to protect us, if that makes sense. I hope it does. So, have you noticed any symptoms during stressful times in your life, and then you've been like, well, I can't do those things, and then you've dreaded doing those things again, or you've avoided them, or you've even done desperate measures like moved house or left relationships, whatever it might be? There's so many examples. So it really is about writing. Well, you don't need to— you can do this, you can write it out if you like writing, but really we do need to begin to share with ourselves a whole new story, a whole new story about what's possible. Sometimes the biggest Things that we need to change is nothing to do with circumstances that we're having in life. It's not about achieving more, doing more, being more, having more. It's not about that. It's about the inner dialogue, the inner talk, inner chatter. Chat, chat, chat, chat, chat. I have a lot of that, a lot of that going on inside my mind. It's the stories that we're telling ourselves. We are literally the main movie star, we're the scriptwriter, we are the main character and all the other characters. We're doing all of that, all inside our own imagination. And what amazing stories and things that we can create. And people say that— a lot of people say, oh, I'm not very good at visualization, but they seem to be very good at visualizing what they don't want. So you've got to look at these, be aware of them. That's all you need to do, just notice it. What am I— what stories am I telling myself about what the future is going to bring? Because if the current story is, um, I can't have stress in my life, I need to eliminate all of that— I was told— I think this is why I get quite passionate about this, because I was told that you need to have, um, remove stress from your life. What, because having ADHD means that you shouldn't, you should avoid stressors? Well, how on earth am I going to do that when I've got families? I've got a family, I'm a human, I've got jobs, I got work to do. How on earth am I going to prevent that? It's not possible. And then they say, Choose your, choose your, um, your, um, husband wisely, um, and all this stuff. So if my story is that I have to, um, do everything in a way that I'm not gonna put myself in any stress, I'm just gonna live a really small life and I'm gonna not take up space in the world and I'm not gonna be the person that I want to be. So I don't believe it's true, but I know that people are being told this stuff. Go away, reduce, cut all ties with anyone that's— I mean, I don't know if this is a bit of a trend thing, but there's a lot of people that seem to be cutting relationships off with their parents. It's a big, big decision. And if they believe that, that if they believe that I'm not doing well, so I'm gonna have to end my relationship with my own parents or, um, or whatever else, because if you believe that that person is the, the cause, then it's a really, um, difficult thing to live with if you've made such a drastic decision, is what I'm saying. Like, try, go all out, try the approach, understand where it's really coming from. It's an inside job, not an outside job. We don't need to change anything outside of us, and we don't need to eliminate all this stuff. We can still do well in the world that we live in. Um, you can share yourself a different story here, and if you start to say Okay, I can handle what's happening. It doesn't equal what's happening in my physical. Yeah, there's a connection, the mind and body obviously are very one unit, all one thing, but we can learn safety even during stressful, challenging times. We can still get the scales on the safety side more than the danger side. Or to balance out a bit better, which is a much more helpful place to start. You're going to feel better. Um, so yeah, I'm going to summarize it because you don't need to have a stress-free life to feel well and feel better. Um, we can increase our tolerance by having an understanding on what's really happening. And where it's really coming from. So yeah, don't be waiting for that perfect life, start now. You don't need perfection, you don't need that perfect job or anything like that. If— how I always look at it is I ask myself, if I was feeling amazingly well, would I want to change this job? Or if I was feeling amazing, would I still want to go visit my mum every week? Like, and because people are making drastic decisions believing that it's going to get them well, and imagine if you made that drastic decision and you still didn't get well. Like, you don't need to Eliminate stress from your life. I'm going to leave it on that. You just need to start from where you're at and begin to teach yourself that the stress is something that you can experience, and it's not something that you've got to— you can't stop it, start it, control it. But you can give yourself a different response and it feels really different. A little bit of a change in thoughts, knowing that you can still do it even when there's chaos happening, is enough. That's all you need really. So I'm just, just share that with you for today and then please share in the comments afterwards And I'm going to leave now because I've got a session tonight, so I hope you all have a great week and I'll see you all next week. Have fun! Bye! Bye!