In Brief: Essential Insights for Post-Military Transition
25 Sept 2023 · 5 min
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In this InBrief podcast episode, CEO Jordana Megonigal of the Recon Network discusses conflict in all types of relationships—family, romantic, work, and friendships—emphasizing that conflict is normal and can be constructive when handled well. She identifies the primary source of most conflict as mismanaged expectations: when one party assumes expectations without clear, mutual discussion, leading to disappointment and resentment. Jordana outlines three practical steps to prevent and reduce conflict: (1) communicate openly and honestly, listening without blame; (2) stay focused on the present issue rather than past grievances; and (3) be willing to compromise, recognizing that each person has a limited perspective. She also advises that when conflict does arise, parties should agree on taking breaks if emotions run high, returning to the conversation with a calmer mindset. The episode targets individuals in transition, such as service members and their spouses, highlighting how stress and uncertainty can amplify expectation mismatches. Overall, the message is that by managing expectations and employing healthy communication habits, conflict can become an opportunity for growth rather than a destructive force.
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This is InBrief. Let's get to it. Hello and welcome back to the InBrief podcast, where we take just a few minutes each week to talk about a different subject that may be of concern to you while you're in the transition period Or just something that helps you with a different phase of your life. My name is Jordana. I'm the CEO of the Recon Network. Today we are talking about conflict. If you've ever had any type of relationship, be that parent-child, sibling, spouse or partner, a coworker, or a friend, then you've had conflict. And that's because conflict is a normal part of most relationships. And it's not all bad. It can be how we learn about each other and how we grow closer in relationships. But if conflict isn't resolved in a healthy way, it can lead to resentment, anger, and even the end of that relationship. So we need to know 2 things when going into it. One, where conflict comes from, and 2, how to resolve it in a healthy way. So let's start with the big question: where does conflict come from? Well, it can come from a variety of places— difference in values, opinions, or communication styles, or even just stress, fatigue, or other factors. But more often than not, conflict comes from somewhere completely avoidable: a failure to manage expectations. See, when there are expectations from one person about another, there are only a few options in how it can play out. Person number 2 either meets the expectations and person number 1 is happy with the outcome, or person number 2 fails to reach those expectations and person number 1 is unhappy with the outcome. But the question isn't how do the expectations play out? It's where did they come from in the first place? If person number 1 assumed the expectations and placed them onto person number 2, especially without a discussion, there's a reasonable belief that person number 2 won't be able to live up to them. But if the 2 came together and formed some sort of consensus, then there is an agreement about what is possible and what should happen. In the first scenario, it's not necessarily number 2's fault that things didn't happen according to what number 1 expected, especially if number 1's expectations weren't communicated well to number 2. But in scenario number 2, with clear expectations set, there's a different value placed on responsibility and accountability— 2 aspects that are critical to growing relationships. Now, if you're in the process of a major transition, Whether you're a service member or a spouse, there's a lot of opportunity for expectations to be mismanaged right now. A lack of communication means that your expectations might not be clear. A lack of understanding means that they might not be possible. But regardless, the situation itself is a haven for conflict to happen in an already stressful situation. So what can you do to better maintain your expectations Understand what's expected of you and reduce conflict in your most important relationships? Well, here are just a quick few tips. First, communicate openly and honestly. This means expressing your thoughts and feelings without blaming or attacking the other person, but it also means being willing to listen to your partner's perspective and to try and gain understanding of a different point of view. Second, focus on the present. This isn't the time to bring up past grievances or unrelated issues. Stay focused on what you need from the other person and what they need from you, and try to reach that point of agreement where you can both say, this is what needs to happen, this is what I'm responsible for, and this is what you're responsible for. And third, be willing to compromise. Remember, you're coming at this from your point of view, and however smart you may be, it's unlikely that you see the entire picture all by yourself. Take time to hear each other and come to some sort of agreement about what is possible, what's negotiable, and what each of you will be responsible for. Now, while this process can be extremely helpful for communicating expectations and preventing conflict, it's not a miracle. There will be times that conflict happens anyway, and when it does, remember, you can't communicate well when you're angry. So agree upon permissions for each other to take breaks and come back to the conversation later when you have a better perspective and a better attitude. Remember, conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but it doesn't have to be destructive. By learning how to better manage expectations and live up to others' expectations of you, you can resolve conflict in a healthy way that strengthens your relationships. And keep in mind, when it does happen, conflict is still an opportunity to learn and grow. When we approach it in a healthy way, we can learn more about ourselves, Others around us and our relationships.
