When "No" Triggers a Toddler Meltdown | Julie Fragnito, MS Ed.
Julie Fragnito coaches parents of a 3-year-old who explodes when told no. She explains it as a nervous-system response to losing control, then walks through five steps: treat aggression as a safety issue, avoid over-nurturing, teach a replacement skill like asking for two more minutes, have the child say okay to requests, and consistently reinforce it.
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In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with parents navigating a very common toddler challenge. When their 3-year-old son is told he can't have another half of a banana before dinner, frustration quickly turns into stomping, throwing, and sometimes even hitting. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair Podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. If you're parenting a child who reacts strongly to limits, or you feel like your calm explanations just aren't landing, this episode is for you. Let's get started.
We have two kids, a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. And today we'd like to discuss our 3-year-old son. Our son was having a snack. Kind of close to dinner, and we gave him half of a banana because we didn't want him to spoil his dinner. And he had the first half, and then he proceeded to help himself to the second half. And we said, um, no, you can't have the second half because it's very close to dinner. And that no triggers like a visceral reaction in him, and he starts growling and stomping his feet and slamming a door. He threw something off the counter and that's just one example, but that pattern is very common when the word no comes into play. And we typically, we like to support him by telling him that it's okay to feel frustrated, but it's not okay to throw things and hit people or however the over-the-top reaction is. And we like to support him and give him a hug and try to be there for him as he's kind of feeling his big feelings. But as these things kind of escalate in their severity. It wears our patience, which then causes that, that natural, like snappy kind of reaction. Like, that's not how we act. And then I think that maybe amplifies his kind of behaviors.
Thank you.
So you are trying your best to stay calm and supportive as much as you can through these really challenging moments where he's throwing the no back at you because whether he's super frustrated or wishes an answer was different, he has these really, really strong and intense reactions to it, you are making really good attempts at, we're drawing the line, we're trying to explain the situation. We can't have that because it's dinner, or I'm trying to be there emotionally and support him. Like, hey, you're frustrated. Do you need a hug? Or when you're frustrated, can you do this? Then of course, when these things feel like they're backfiring and making things worse or making things intense, or maybe not even that, making things just stay the same, you're eventually gonna lose it because you're being pushed to a point of almost desperation, right? Like, what else am I supposed to do? I've tried it all and now that's it. Like, I, I'm done. So I'm either going to yell and it's going to make things worse, or I'm going to yell and he's going to completely shut down and it's going to ruin our connection.
Yeah, that's, that's fair.
Your son is 3 and these feelings that he's throwing at you are normal for 3-year-olds. Does that mean that we should live like this? Does that mean that we should tolerate this? No, absolutely not. But just hearing that there is nothing wrong with your child is is a good feeling sometimes. And I also think it's worth noting while we're on that point that you are not doing anything wrong either, right? You're not failing. One of the crazy parts of being a parent is that every single kid is totally different, and every single kid needs a different approach. You're gonna work your, your way through things and be like, no, I have to figure out what works for this kid. And I think that all good parents are like, let's just keep this lifelong investigation going so that we can show up to be the best parents that we can be for this particular child and give him what he needs to thrive in these moments, right?
Absolutely. I think you nailed that. We wanna find that solution or we wanna find something to help him.
Yes. How can we make tomorrow maybe just a little bit easier? He is in that group of development where Feelings are really intense. Impulses are really intense. We're learning about the world around us and everything is driven by his nervous system. And whether he knows right from wrong or has some idea of what's good and what's not good, he still can't control often his emotions, even his actions sometimes, right? In these moments where he feels things really strongly. And so from a nervous system perspective, when our kids are reacting in ways like this that you're describing of screaming or crying or running off or throwing something, right? That's like his body's way of saying things like, I was having a lot of fun, or I wasn't ready for this, or this feels so unfair, or, you know, I feel like I have no control. And these are all ways that a 3-year-old says these things, right? Without being able to beautifully verbalize these things.
It's the, it's the physical piece that I think is the most frustrating. Like it's okay to be upset when someone tells you no, when you want something and when you're 3 and that makes you extra upset about it. But if you're telling him no, and if he's sitting next to our daughter, sometimes he'll turn and like whack her and like, she didn't do anything.
Like, yeah, innocent bystander.
Like you can't do that. So I, I think that the physical piece for me is the most frustrating about the whole scenario.
True. Yeah.
I hear that you guys have put so much thought into this and you're super intentional about every action and word and the way you think about these things. What is your typical response when aggression does take place?
I find myself repeating, it's okay to be frustrated. It's not okay to hit.
Yeah.
And I really intentionally keep it short. And simple and repetitive so it doesn't get confusing. I'm not using different words each time. Like I'm impatiently waiting for that light bulb moment for him to go, oh, oh yeah, okay, maybe this isn't the best choice. If my daughter's involved, I'll physically move him away from her.
I think that's helpful and it gives me a good picture of what's going on here. The first step that I wanna give you practically is that when a child under the age of 5 is acting with aggression, the second thing that you said is spot on, right? And I want you to almost treat every moment as if he is putting someone in harm's way, even if it is a remote being thrown at the couch or taking the banana and chucking it out the window, whatever he's doing, we don't throw, we don't hit. And I hear it in your language where you're like, it's okay to be frustrated. It's not okay to do that. However, in the mind of a child under 5 years old, words do very little. Especially when they are in a state of dysregulation, when their body is heightened to some different state than their norm. And so when he is dysregulated, when he is showing aggression, he is not in any right mind to receive words, whether it is emotional words or logical words, which your words make a lot of sense. But for him, you're not seeing much behavior change because that doesn't register in these moments. Of heightened dysregulation, I want you to treat them all as if your daughter is being put in harm's way and say almost nothing and just take action.
Okay.
And so what that means is, right, and I love that you guys don't want to overindulge. You don't want to pour too much attention into these moments where you're like, we're being very conscious not to give him attention for attention-seeking behaviors. And I appreciate that. However, believe it or not, we don't do this, but we do this. Is attention, and it's too many words for his brain to process in those moments. So what does that look like? It just looks like intercepting with your body in any way, shape, or form, whether it is holding him in a bear hug and just saying, no hitting. Very neutral, very calm, very to the point. Don't overindulge with eye contact and smiling and big tones of voice. Just no hitting.
He's 3.
We can stop him from doing that. If he throws something, you take him and say, don't do that. Or you want to draw the line by removing the thing if he's gonna continue throwing it and say, we don't throw and put it up high, right? Like put on your firm pants, say 2 to 3 words and make it very clear and take action, right? We don't do that. 2 words and then move on, right? Like, hey, can you come over here with me to do this? Hey, can we go pick this up off the floor together? And that might even be too much in those moments. He might fight you and be like, no, I'm not picking that up.
Right?
Like, okay, that's fine. Right? Like as long as we draw the line and and say, no, that is not okay. And then pour attention into him when he's doing something good. That's the first thing that I want you guys to try. So that's directly addressing the aggression, the physical stuff. The next thing that I wanna offer you is a replacement skill. What it looks like is giving your kid a replacement skill for the need that they wish was being met. Sometimes these lashouts are like, I want control, right? It's not even like, I really want a banana, but it's like, that was my banana, right?
Like, I— Yeah, yeah. I totally get that. I think there's like a bit of an autonomy thing. Like, I want to get the banana. I just retrieved that second half of the banana by myself and now I want to enjoy it.
Yeah.
Something I hear with his sister a lot too, if they're ever fighting over something, it's, that's mine, it's mine. And that's more coming from him than it is. Her. So I think that that ties in as well.
Yes.
So that's a pattern, right? That's a really important piece of information then to say, ooh, maybe this is a little bit about control. So when he's grabbing that second half of the banana, right, we need to recognize, and it takes a lot of work on our part, like quickly to be like, what's going on?
What's the motive?
Why does he want this? He wants access to this thing that he can't have because we said no. So what do you actually do in this moment? Well, Here's the most effective thing. No, you can't eat the second half of the banana. We said half before dinner. Simple language, very neutral. Take the half of the banana away from him. That half of the banana gets taken away. Now he's tantruming. Well, that's not gonna work. And you look at him and you say, can I please have the other half? And when he repeats that back to you, you look at him right in the eye and you say, sure, of course you can. Here you go. Thank you so much for asking. Because part of this issue right here is that he went for something that you initially said he couldn't have. When our kids just take things that they can't have, we always wanna make sure they're asking permission first. And so even if he took it and he could have it, just exercising that skill of like, whoa, intercept, take it back. Did you ask for that?
No.
Can I have the second half please? Or more banana please?
Right?
Keep it simple. Keep the words short. Keep it small. Sure. Of course you can. Thank you for asking. And he gets it. Right? What I'm trying to say here is that his method of communication makes his body feel like it's on fire if he's screaming and throwing things. We have to start giving him better replacement communication for getting what he wants. Let's say you wanna stick to your word and you wanna say, no, you can only have half. So what we teach him is he goes for the second half, you take it away from him, whether that means like peeling his fingers off of it, literally as little words as possible, take action. Either say, can I have that back? Or I will take it from you. Don't give him much of a choice, make sure you get it, and then look at him and explain, we're eating dinner, then banana. And if he starts screaming and crying and throwing himself, then you can say, you can ask, can I have it after dinner? But you can't throw yourself on the floor like that. Otherwise we don't know what you're asking for. And so what he's kind of processing in this moment is like, this isn't working. It's getting me nothing. And what I'm trying to show you on your end that you have the power to do is Give him words, give him something quick and easy that you can model, that he can repeat back, that can actually get him something that he wants, maybe faster, maybe quicker, maybe eventually, or else he doesn't get it at all. We don't need to keep controlling these moments. We can actually put him in control and he's gonna realize that it makes his world a lot bigger. So when our kids are going through these moments and you get the advice of like, well, you can't punch your sister, but you can punch a pillow. It's like, wait, what? Why are we punching in the first place? When he was told he can't have a banana, or he was told that he can't play with the toy anymore, right? Like punching is never a response to that. Even if you're frustrated, you need to channel that into good words. And so it's time to stop playing with the toy. You know, he punches something. Whoa. Why don't you just say, can I have 2 more minutes please? I guarantee you he'll repeat it right back and you'll say, of course you can. Now we're training him to say, instead of punching or screaming or throwing, can I have 2 more minutes please? And you know what? Even if that goes on for a month, I don't care. Yeah. Because we're shaping his behavior into something better. And then eventually, you know, after 2 or 3 weeks of you being like, we can't keep giving him 2 minutes. Okay. Then we shape it to the next thing. Say, can I play with this after snack?
Sure.
Of course you can play with it after snack. But if you're hitting and screaming, that's not gonna get you anything.
Mm-hmm.
And so that's kind of the big skill that we need to teach is that that kind of behavior gets you pretty much nothing. But asking nicely, giving some sort of words to what he needs actually will get him a lot more than he realizes of what he's getting right now. You're showing him that as humans we can discuss things and sometimes we adapt. And so it's not that you changed your word, it's that he respectfully communicated and it actually helped you see his perspective. Aggressive and you said, okay, yeah, sure. I will give you 2 more minutes. And he's realizing that you're extending the boundary instead of just ignoring your original boundary. Science tells us that these big reactions are gonna lessen over time. So maybe that first one is still gonna be just as bad, but if it gets aggressive, follow step 1. No, we don't do that. No words. Hold him back, contain until he's calm, and then Let's redirect our attention to something else.
That sounds good. Yeah, that's very helpful.
One more thing that I wanna suggest, it's super quick and it's really, really crazy to think, but we need to teach our toddlers to say, okay, mom, okay, dad. And I know it sounds crazy and it kind of sounds a little controlling, but it's not. It is one of the most important skills that we need to teach our toddlers. So how do you actually do this outside of these moments, like in the calm, when you're in the car? When he is doing the right thing, I want you to start training his brain to say, okay, dad, when you ask him to do something, or okay, mom, when you ask him to do something. And how can you do this? It actually starts with you. So when he asks you to do something, I want you to say, okay, and his name. Or I want you to look at him and I don't know if you guys watch Full House, but when Michelle says, you got it, dude, I want you to come up with a response that will resonate with him, that he will think is like funny or silly. Some of these times where he is lashing out, he might not have a better response for his brain to give. And sometimes we just have to say, okay, right? And do it. And so we need to offer that as a replacement.
Keeping it short and sweet in the moment of the no hitting. That's something that I'm gonna take away effective immediately. It's been learned on what they would accept.
I think that one really resonated with me as well. I was just thinking about myself, like as a full-grown adult, you know, if I'm high emotion, I'm I'm not learning anything. You know, I can think about it later and then we reflect on things afterwards. In the moment, you're not really thinking about that. And then you're like trying to recreate a new experience for them, but it's just not the right time. So that makes total sense. And it definitely gave me a good new lens to think through.
Yeah, this is very helpful. Thank you, Julie.
As we wrap up, remember this: when a toddler melts down after hearing no, it doesn't mean something is wrong with them. It means their brain is still learning how to handle frustration and disappointment. Your role isn't to eliminate those big feelings. It's to guide your child through them with calm limits and clear teaching. Over time, when we pair firm structure with simple communication skills, our children learn that words, not chaos, are the most powerful way to get their needs met. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture. And I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review, and please follow my show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
It really helps.
That's one small way you can pay it forward. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.
