3 Months After Dad Died + I still Lose It

Mr. Brown, snack is ready. You ain't got no clothes on. We might have your clothes right here. You know, all you need is a shirt, maybe a sweater. Here, here's your shirt. Good, we don't even have to go back. Oh, I like a shirt. Good choice. Getting warm over there? Yeah, a little bit. Hey, everybody said that your pictures were beautiful in yesterday's vlog. Some people said y'all should sell pictures. Well, it's actually their idea. At Homesteaders of America, make some prints and sell pictures. Homesteaders of America, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you little entrepreneurs. Artists, artists, entrepreneurs. Get it on quick. There we go. Good problem to have right there. A couple days worth of pig feed. Come on, Gideon, you find your shoes while I go get the pig's bucket, okay? It's a drizzle, supposed to rain all week. This is a week where I prepare for this weekend's Mother Earth News Fair Texas. It's trash day today. Hey, can I go down there and get the bucket and then come back for the scraps? No, no, he said he wants to go down with me and then right back up with me. Okay, what's the problem? Are you wearing Lily's boots? Is that what's going on? Anything we can get a hold of, right? All right, there you go. Oh good, she did better. She put her chickens up last night. Goodness, it rained last night. Okay, who's nice, nice sweater is that? Let's take these up. G, are you gonna stay down here? I'll come right back. Here, can you carry these lids and I'll carry the buckets? Huh? Nope. Can you carry one lid? Carry one lid.

Yes, I'm gonna carry the other lid in the bucket.

It's a lot of scraps.

I mean, you know, any— they don't have any beef in any store.

They're going to love this pumpkin. Yeah. Gone. Oh my gosh, meat stock. Shoot, where's Mr. Brown with our lid? All right, okay, this is the one with the lid. Oh, it's a mystery where that kid went. Oh, is that it? Is that— nope, keep this for another day in our cold room. Oh, there's a bucket in here. We should feed that one instead. Let's save this one. That's the same kind of thing— meat and very well-cooked veggies.

Oh, that's cute.

You know what, that might be worth it because they're gonna— you know, it's raining, it's raining, we're going away this weekend. It's gonna be tricky. Ready? I guess we'll just pull Jonah. Just get out for a little bit and come on. There, there. You act like I don't feed you. You're getting stout, huh? You're getting stout. So we were going to put these guys out in the forest, but it's going to rain all week and we're going away this weekend. I'm thinking let's not push it. They're just fine on this deep bedding. It'll make it easier chores for the farm sitter, Jonah, when I'm gone. So, all right. I've been prepping to receive the milk. Also got a little planning to do. Brianna's milking. She loves it. Oh my gosh, pack of coyotes! Watch out, chickens! They're right here, chickens. How are we doing a bit down here, Brianna?

Good.

Way out there, that's where the cows have to go in 2 days. We're moving them every 3 days now. You know, we're out of grass, we're out of any stockpiled grass. Grass isn't growing. We can slow them down a little bit. It's winter. We're gonna take a little break before spring, before it gets crazy. So we're moving everybody every 3 days. Bigger paddocks. I've got to— because we're clearing forest out there, I've got to rearrange my paddocks on the entire farm. You want 15 paddocks if you're going to do rotational grazing, and those end up being broken down with temp fences to like turn into 30 paddocks to 60 to— now we're doing 90. So anyway, okay, basically I just divided my farm up into 15 paddocks. Now perimeters are set with more intense fencing, and then there's lanes throughout. But mind you, these paddocks are still like temporary. They're on rebar, electric fence. We don't want to move them if possible throughout the season. But we have these 15 paddocks, and then that tells me where I move and where I need to be setting up today, that the, the animals are in paddock number 11. And they need to go to 12 on Thursday, and then they'll go to 13. 13 will be the woods where we cleared the other day, so that won't happen till Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So that needs to be all ready for when we're gone. But you know what, I'm kind of thinking that's a bad idea to put the animals way out there while we're gone, so we're gonna skip this paddock, uh and come right here and it'll be fine. We'll hit that next time. How you doing this morning, hamburger? You staying warm even though wet? How you doing, Miss Thing? How's she doing? She holding still for you?

She's been a little frisky this morning, but I think she's got her groove now.

This, uh, Flossie has hit her— hit her curve, plateau. She's Slowing down a little bit, which is okay. She normally gets to about a gallon and a half for a long time. She was giving us 2, but you don't expect that to last forever. They get more in the very beginning. You about ready? Okay, Brandon, I'll let her out, and when she gets out, just give her a little pressure. She want to make sure she don't miss any of that alfalfa. Yeah, come on. There you go.

Come on, good girl, good girl.

You are already done with it? Have you already rinsed out that pig barrel? Really cleaned out the nipple and everything?

What's going on?

Cool. It's a good idea to get the hay bales out. I guess I came along just in time, didn't I? How far can the cows get out there?

Where's their next fence?

She giving us a hard time this morning? Yeah, she's giving a hard time. Oh, don't forget the lid too. First I forgot that extra bucket, and then I forgot the lid. It's too much, too much going on in my mind right now. I think once I figure out where these cows are going, like out there and look at it, trying to visualize it. All right, here we go. Thanks. Good temporary solution though, the reservoir. Still for you now, that hay.

Yes, she is.

I have moments. Still have moments. My dad died 3 months ago and one of you guys, one of you blessed guys, gals, commented on yesterday's video. You commented about our parenting. Said that we were good parents. Thank you. Thank you very much. We really much appreciate that. And they said, well, what were your parents and grandparents like? Well, my granny, she had two prayers: thank you, thank you, thank you, and Lord help us, I pray. And in my opinion, if you're a praying person, that's all you ever need. And then my dad, he taught us how to work. He taught us how to work hard. It's him I get my entrepreneur spirit from. He worked really hard for us in the family as an orthodontic salesman. Gave up the sustenance farming lifestyle. He kept the farm. He loved the farm, so I'm blessed to be able to purchase that from the family. So he was a traveling salesman, but he took us with him, and it was his own company. So we— and on Saturdays when all the other— all of my friends were watching cartoons, we were cutting and selling firewood, and he was giving us a cut of that, and we were learning entrepreneurship. And but, you know, above Above everything else, if there's anything that I've learned and passed down on to my children, or what I can credit him the most for my current character is— let this wind die down. You know what it is? He was proud of me. That, dads. Goes a long way. The furthest than any other thing. So I try to find moments where I can be proud of my children and I try to tell them. I'm proud of you. You knew the hug was coming. Is that the drill? I tell you I'm proud of you, then hug you and then rub your shoulders and pat your arms. Hey, little bird, come There, don't hit your head. Oh, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you.

Hey, I got you.

Hey, I'm so proud of you. For now.

I mean, what?

I'm so proud of you.

Papa, look at our skateboard. Papa, look.

Good job, Josiah. Good job. Hey, you know what? I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you too.

Grandma and Big Daddy, very heavily involved in our life, have been married almost— why did I tear up right there? I thought I'd lose it talking about Mom and Dad, but they've been married almost 50 years. I get to see them bicker. I get to see them argue. I also get to see that dissipate and resolve. And I get to see them walk in each other's forgiveness. All right, let's get this milk up. You guys are my therapy session, right? I'm on the couch right now and you guys are, tell me more, Justin, tell me more. Thank you.

Papa, look!

Oh wow, I see that.

Y'all made that.

Let's see what y'all have made.

You can have this.

I like it. I love it. I love it. And you know, I think what hurts me the most about my dad being gone is this right here. Do you see that? They want me to see this constantly when I do something.

Mommy!

Constantly when I do something good, like when I clear that forest. Hang on a second. Well, my dad can remember when he was 11 years old plowing that area barefoot with mules and flipping the mule team and can remember being proud of himself for figuring out how to get it back over on, on their feet by himself. But he would love to see that. I would love to show him that. And sure, maybe he can see it. But I can't hear him. I can't hear him laugh. I can't see the satisfaction he's finding in it. Guys, I got 6 speaking engagements this year. Last year, just the one. He was just so proud of that.

I got so popular.

That's the hardest thing. It's hard to do something and achieve something and be excited about it because you get robbed a hair of that because now I don't have my dad to share with that. They say happiness is you— happiness is impossible unless you can share it with others. I have plenty of other people to share it with. You guys, my family. It's just that there is one very important person missing that had a very important role in my life, and that's the father. And that's probably gonna be hard the rest of my life.

Papa! I want to tell you something.

See? See?

Yeah! How what?

All right, let's see it. Man, man, you guys are something. You're climbing that.

Woo!

Good job. Is that what you're gonna show me?

Yeah.

Okay, I like it. Good job, Jonah. Proud of you, buddy. Sheep are over there, cows are here. It's Tuesday— Thursday. All right, here's this Thursday. The cows go in this lower paddock. We'll just make sure perimeter fences are up and stuff. So that's Thursday. The sheep are here on Thursday, and they don't get moved again until Sunday. We'll skip the woods and we'll go right there, okay, with the cows, and then the sheep will go right here. Okay, that's good. I feel good about that. I want you to make an observation with me though. Pigs were here. Pigs were here. This was dense forest, okay? Pigs stirred this up. Look at this grass. Can you guys see that? Can you see that? Okay, that's fully recovered grass right there, bladed, ready to be hit. Look at this, how green. Okay, this was the dense forest. Now, to be fair, it's not all perfect like that. We have some shrubbage coming up, but eventually it will be. Look, more grass over there. Let's compare it to the established pasture. Which is more like this. There's some, there's some greenness, but not as good. That's what the pigs did for us. It's also the bottom of the hill, perhaps. The pigs help do that. It's not grass right there, guys. Pigs came in, tilled it up, stirred up the grass seed that's in the seed bank, and there you go. Beautiful breakfast prepared. Nobody here. Nobody here to enjoy this with me.

Hey!

You're here with some sort of contraption. Makes my ears ring whistling in this porch. Let's go, time to eat! Hay forks, hot item right now. Come eat.

I can't eat them.

We're all sitting down here together. What do you think is the secret to your mom and dad's success? You've lived with them the longest of all of us here. Their marriage success.

Trying to think about that.

Can I have a moment? Yeah.

Okay.

So.

Hi, Anna.

I think that one thing I already observed is that they would bicker sometimes in front of us, but they always resolved it.

Yeah, I don't think they take it too seriously either.

No, they don't take it too personally.

Like, they don't be like, yeah, you're attacking me. Yeah, like they forgive, I guess.

So I feel like they get it out there too. If any little thing bothers them, it's out there. Yeah, so that doesn't build up. And so I've seen other marriages where there wasn't fighting and bickering— I'm not even saying that— fighting, arguing, whatever— and they do not last. No disagreement. Yeah, and so I think that How does that relate to our parenting? Is your parents are united. I think that one thing we've always been is united. It's us first. And if this isn't good, this isn't going to be good, right? So we guard that. Notice nobody ever sits in between us. It's a, uh, it's a, it's a Symbolic. They've tried. And every once in a while we have a weak moment.

Every once in a while.

But nobody—

Someone will sneak in.

Nobody gets between us, do they? Go ask your mom. Or go ask your dad.

Gideon did that all the vacation.

What's this about, Josiah? I don't know.

He's a huggy guy. He's a huggy guy.

That's good.

He wasn't a very huggy baby, but he is now.

I know. I'm glad he grew out of that.

I know, me too.