Learning to Live (without) My Dad

My dad disappeared the moment he died. I know this because I was there when he took his last breath. I held his hand until it went cold. I entered the dark cloud and stayed there for 2 weeks. Daily tears, nightmares, memories, sadness I never could have imagined. I got through the cloud and realized I'm fatherless. Despite having 4 kids, I had yet to feel grown up. But now, I'm most definitely a man. For that, I am thankful. You have a tombstone not 2 miles away, a place I never took seriously growing up, a place I had only visited strangers. Over 2 years later, and I went to visit the site of my loss. As Dr. Igar would say, I want to make bare-skinned connection with the site of my loss. Happy Father's Day, Pop. This is the first time I've visited this grave in 2 years since he's been dead. Haven't visited, haven't had the nerve, I guess. First impression when I came up here, Ginger, his surviving wife, doesn't have an end date. My dad has an end date. It's real. You know, I never felt grown up even though I'd had 4 kids. I never felt fully grown up providing for a wife, providing for 4 kids, until my dad died. And the safety net was gone. That's when I became a man. So I think about my dad here today, and it's sad, but I also celebrate, and I'm thankful. Celebrate becoming a man and thankful for that. And Pop, if you can see this like you said you would, That can be your impression, that we're alright. You can let go, and I'm thankful. There's lots of wildlife and birds about. I've seen one car in this hour. He grew up here in Hooper's Creek, and It would have been more like this. It would have been real quiet, not busy. That would have been a dirt road. They would have cleaned up Saturday, walked to that church 3 miles from their house. I commune with him right now as I listen to the same things he heard when he was my age or younger, older, throughout his life, because This ecosystem was here before he was, will be here after, so it unites us in a way. Happy Father's Day! Thank you! Ah, thank you. You remembered. Mm-hmm. I appreciate it. Oh, you look nice. Thanks. It's cold though. I know, it's like cold cold. It's like 49 degrees. I wanted to go to the grave alone this morning. Becca took care of things here, the boys took care of things on the farm, and we're gonna wrap up chores and take the whole family. Josiah, this looks good. Come here, little man. Come here, it's Father's Day. It's Father's Day. He's like, but I'm pretty cool. No special hug for me this morning? Give me a hug! Oh, he'll do that. Give me a hug! There we go. Can you hug? After I got to enjoy some alone time at the site of my loss, I went and grabbed the kids and we went to the grave and then we went to celebrate Father's Day to our favorite mountain and went on a hike. It's a gigantic rock. For those of you who don't know, this is a big deal because this time last year I was crippled with arthritis. We had wanted to, you know, heal and have a victory for Rooted 10, our TV show, and climb this mountain, and there was no way I was going to do it back in September. This is a big deal because I totally felt up for it and I totally crushed that mountain. It's almost not victorious because like I feel so normal. It was just not that big of a struggle. My feet are a little sore, but otherwise I feel great. I'm glad that you're 100% recovered. Well, my health's about to be put to the test. We already went home, but I'm back because we forgot I set my camera down somewhere. Camera that got our footage of us at my dad's grave hiking this mountain. I left it somewhere. All right, now I'm not only gonna walk this mountain, I'm gonna do it again, and this time I'm gonna run it. I went a quarter way up, not even. My legs are already very Very numb. Telling myself, breathe deep in my nose, out my mouth. Lungs are burning. Probably gonna feel this tomorrow. Please do here. Please. Oh shoot, I'm not seeing it. It's now a couple days later that I'm recording this, and we've called the North Carolina Conservancy and nobody's turned in the camera. And I'm sure somebody's picked it up and didn't know where they could turn it in and have a nice camera. It's sad because my dad's footage of us going to the grave and seeing him is there. Why did I let that go? I had had a thought, put it in the bag, put it in the bag. I didn't. Absentmindedly, I set it down. I've recorded over footage before. I've never like lost a camera, but it has been 2,000 videos. It has been 6 years. Somebody can have the camera. They can have the camera all day long. The footage, It's priceless. You can't recapture that. As bad as that was, losing my footage, if I hadn't lost my footage, I wouldn't have ran the mountain like that. But in running the mountain like that, I discovered the beast within. I had no idea that I was capable of that. I seriously had written running off. I have tried running so many times over the years, and it just sucked. And it just hurt. But I felt like I was 30 years old again running that mountain, and I'm very excited. Today has proven I can run if I want to, and if I want to start running again, that's on me. And I think I'm gonna, because I have no more excuse. If I want to run, I'm gonna run. I ran this morning. It's exciting because we— I'm experiencing all this loss. I lost my dad, lost this camera, but in those losses I'm discovering something beautiful. And that is what, at least today, at least in this moment, I'm gonna try to focus on. So for that, I am crazy thankful because I'm running the mountains again. Is it present time? Yeah. Is this one yours? This says Father's Day coupon. Film on GoPro for 1 day. Is that from you? Yeah. Ooh, that would be good. That would be good. I love you. Oh, obedient for 1 day. I like that. Thank you for being such a great dad. I like that. I love you. I will be, I will be with you. No, I will, um, read Oh, oh, you'll weed the garden for you. You will get me a house. No, you will— you get me a horse. Will you get me a horse? And nothing else for my birthday. Okay, we'll see. I like it. A Happy Father's Day with a request for a horse. I just did 6 miles out of nowhere, Rebecca. I'm feeling great. Good. I do think an ice bath, I think it would help Warm— what would you call that? Calm any inflammation. Okay, it's about to be 5. How do you guys get in that? What do you think about your crazy parents, Henry? Oh, I don't know if I can do it much longer. It's been a minute. Can you make it 4 more minutes? That's one way to do it. You don't have to polar plunge your feet. Man, it hurts so bad. You're gonna make it? We've been 2 minutes. Yeah, I can do it. Can you do 3 more minutes? Oh yeah. Unboxing! Look what did come! Kind Father's Day, just on time. Boom! For somebody who eats copious amount of meat, carnivore for life, I think let's try it many different ways. She's saying it's the rotisserie too. So it's just— is air frying rotisserie? No, there's a rotisserie. It's an air fryer or a rotisserie. So wait, right there. Oh, beef brisket. Yum yum. Lily has set us a nice family-style dinner. Y'all have given me a perfect Father's Day. So good. Thank you.