Breaking Free from the Vicious Cycle

This is episode 282 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider. Welcome. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast. I am here to serve you with a brand new topic. Today we're, we're all about breaking the vicious cycle. What? You know, you've been there, you know you've had a vicious cycle or two. We all have. And it kind of bites when that happens. No, you feel like you are going into a spiral and it's not stopping. And one thing leads to the next and then you've got this outcome that is so far from what you really wanted and you feel like you are so, so far from your normal state. It really sucks you into that spiral, that vicious cycle. We don't want that. And one action leads to the next and they keep going lower and worse and you just feel like you can't get out of it. Feels like a slippery slope. It's like the awful toilet bowl. And yet we can get out of it. We can do the things that can have a better experience. So how do we break the vicious cycle? Let's dive in. First of all, my lovely dog, Pepper. Here's my sidekick today. So remember that we are here to be an empowered team. Why? Because you love to take care of yourself and love to take care of others. And you take purposeful action and you are up to something so much larger than yourself because you're contributing to some project, something, something that's going to make a positive difference in the world. And we believe in you. And that's why I want to deliver these tools to you so that you can function at your best. You can literally optimize how you show up in everything you do. So breaking a vicious cycle is going to be a key thing because you don't want to get sucked away from the positive things you put into the world. So I'm going to give you a couple stories here. Usually I pre frame this into the categories of self, relationships and career. Now, most of the people that I work with, I'm supporting them in their leadership roles in career. However, anything that happens personally with your health, with your own mindset, with your own attitude or mood, anything that happens with you personally affects everything else. And same thing with relationships. We'd like to think that they are all in separate boxes, but they overlap. They permeate each other, they make a difference and an impact on how we show up in each of those areas. When things go amazing at work, guess what? We feel better in how we perform on a day to day basis. Personally, same thing. When things go amazing in our relationships, we tend to have that extra kick in our step in our other career or mission based activities. So personal. Back in over a year ago, I went to do my workouts. I work out every day in some form or another. Sometimes it's more like recovery activity, sometimes it's more like an intense lift, sometimes it's more like an interval run. It might be training for a race. That's how I would typ typically operate. And I got a cold and I just was not kicking this cold. And then I felt worse. It was like something else was going on and I didn't know what it was. And yet I was so programmed to do my workout that I just went to go do my workout. That's just what I did. And every time I went to do my workout I felt so bad. I just couldn't do the things that I wanted to do. And so it went from trying to work out and then really feeling awful and then feeling more exhausted. And then I wait a couple days and I'd try again. I'd think, okay, I'll give myself the recovery from this cold and I won't do anything for a couple days. And yet for me, activity fuels me. Training helps me feel strong physically but also confident emotionally. So there's a lot of things that working out does for me. So when I didn't have it, I really wanted it. So I waited a couple days, try and help my body recover from this cold and nothing was feeling better and it still was really bad. And then I got to the point where I just, I hated feeling like this. I would be thinking, I hate feeling like this. And then I was emotionally upset. I was lying on the floor in the gym and crying at certain points because it just had gotten so bad. I was trying and it wasn't working. And I was resting and it wasn't working. I try again and it wasn't working. Nothing seemed to be working. And it ended up turning from being emotionally upset to then less productive to then more anxious. And it had that step by step by step. And it's not just that it turned that way. It started with trying and it not working and feeling upset, hating that I felt like that and then trying again and it's still not working. And then bec being less productive because I didn't have as much energy and then being more anxious because I wasn't as productive. And so on and so on and so on. And there is your beautiful vicious cycle. And it feeds upon itself. Every step of greater upset, every step of greater anxiety is pulling you downward. And that's what I was feeling. Now, the same kind of scenario happens in relationships I can think of for Paul and I. We might be talking about something that is, we have maybe differing opinions, we're not polarized on it, but we actually just don't necessarily see it the exact same way. He might say, well, I think you're putting the cart before the horse. And I might say, well, we need to put the cart before the horse. Might be something along those lines. And then I feel like I need to make a point, but then he might miss the point. So then I'm thinking, well, he doesn't get it. I got to try and make the point again. And then he might miss the point, and then I may be thinking, well, this isn't going well. And then I try to make the point again, but they don't get it. And then he digs in on a harder opposition, and then I dig in a little harder on the opposition, and the spiral occurs, and there we are in the vicious cycle. But now it's not just with myself in the gym, it's with another human. So these examples of vicious cycles, I hope you can find some potential familiarity in that. Not that I'm hoping for those vicious cycles to happen for you, but rather, I hope you see that if that's happened for you, you're not alone. If that's happened for you, it's not unusual, it's not a. There's not something wrong with you. This happens to us all. I'm going to give you one more example. And this is in the career element, the career sphere of influence, the zone of our missions. And in this one, let's say you've worked really, really hard on a project and you get some feedback, and the feedback isn't the glowing praise you were hoping for. It might be a little bit of negative feedback and you just feel like, what. What happened there? I worked so hard on this. I really wanted them to like this. They don't really seem to value the work that I've put in. Maybe they don't value me. And then there's a whole lot of disappointment. Not just disappointment, but maybe not feeling valued, not feeling your worth in that position at work. And then because you're not feeling. Because you're feeling disappointment, and then you're feeling like maybe they don't Value you and you're feeling not valued. And then it goes towards a zone of, I'm not going to put myself out there. In fact, I'm going to avoid working that hard on another project. Or maybe I don't even want to collaborate with someone else because they just don't see how much I have to offer. And then it turns into not getting invited to collaborate. And there's outcomes that come. And the outcome in this one might be that there's actual underperforming at work, or the outcomes at work are poorer than they had been in the past. Less productivity, perhaps, just like in the relationship. Less connection as an outcome, less. Less cohesion as a couple. Or in the. The example that I gave about working out, ultimately having. Having a feeling of not being productive and an outcome of more anxiety, less productivity, no workouts, and complete uncertainty around my health. So you've got these outcomes that happen from a vicious cycle. But the beautiful thing, and this is the gift of a vicious cycle, it's that you can trace back the step by step in a vicious cycle. One step degrades into the next step, and that thought or action or emotional state then degrades into the next one. That's how it becomes a vicious cycle. Because one thing is feeding into the next, and then it just starts to spin, spiral. But it's going into a downward spiral. It's not a virtuous spike. A virtuous sp cycle goes up. I call it a spike. That's awesome cycle. The cycle goes around and goes up as a virtuous cycle and spirals down as a vicious cycle. And we don't want that. So I'm going to give you the three steps, the three steps today to break the vicious cycle. I'm not just telling you stories about vicious cycles. We actually want to get to something that's going to be tangible and usable for you to break the vicious cycle. And the first step is find the first domino. Find the first domino. Remember that these are step by step by step, leading from one to the next. So it's very much the domino effect where one domino tips and a whole bunch of other dominoes tip each other down. So on this vicious cycle, that's typically the pattern is that one thing starts the cycle. The cycle didn't exist because of the cold. The cycle didn't exist because of the differing opinions between me and my husband. The cycle didn't exist because of feedback on a project. The cycle started somewhere, and it's the first domino. So the first step to breaking A vicious cycle is finding that first domino. If you can find that first domino, you are going to be set up to break this vicious cycle. It's going to be easier than you think it is. So we look for that first domino. When we look for that first domino, in the examples that I gave you, we're looking at a scenario where that first domino is typically not what you think it is. Most of us are going to go into that first domino and think that it was the getting sick, or we're going to think that it was the bad workout or feeling badly. That's typically not the first domino. The first domino is typically a thought. It's a thought because the getting sick or in the other examples, a differing opinion or feedback on a project. Those are circumstances. And what I mean by that is they are neutral happenings in the world. It's just a thing that happened. It's not good, it's not bad, it's not right, it's not wrong. Only when we make it that way, that's when it starts to turn into the potential dominoes that go into a vicious cycle. So we want to look for what was the first domino. If I look back at the example of my. My workout scenario, chances are I'm thinking initially if this was you or me in the moment, I'm thinking that, well, the problem, the first domino, is that my workout didn't go well. That's got nothing to do with how that domino gets propelled forward. The first domino is that moment that I go, I hate feeling like this. I didn't say it to anybody but myself. It was in my head. I hate feeling like this. Even though the workout felt bad, even though I didn't like it. It's the moment of not liking it that starts the domino effect. Because when I'm thinking the thought, I hate feeling like this, I was getting emotionally upset. I started to feel emotionally bad and physically bad. I started the domino effect with that one thought. That was the first domino. The first domino wasn't a bad workout. The first domino was my thought about that bad workout that then played into the emotional state. And that emotional state. Then I didn't like that because the emotional state had me taking action, which was inaction. It was less productivity as soon as I was less productive. While I didn't like that, I hate feeling less productive. And then as I didn't feel productive and I hated feeling less productive, I felt like I was. I felt lazy. I felt unproductive. Well, then that spawned another thought that spawned more action, which Was inaction, less productivity. Well, then I hated feeling like that. I hate feeling unproductive. I started to feel anxious, and then when I was feeling anxious, then I was taking actions that I was too sick to do, trying to work out hard again, which wasn't the action that my body needed. So there goes the vicious cycle. If I look at that same first domino, look at it more towards the example in the relationship, the. The tendency would be to look at, oh, we have differing opinions. That is the trigger. That's not the trigger. The trigger is the moment that I'm thinking that they missed the point. It kind of has this tone of what's wrong with them? And then it has a tone, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with them? What's wrong with me? What they're saying is wrong. And on it goes. It started with the thought that was the first domino that go went into a vicious cycle. It's the thought of, they missed the point. They missed my point. They don't get it. They don't get me. Somewhere along there, that's the first domino. And the way that you know is because of how you feel when you find it, if you back up one step before that, if it was still relatively neutral, then that's not the spot. And remember, the thing that we're making mean something or meaning making machines, if it was that we had differing views, if I made that mean that that wasn't a good thing, then the not being a good thing thought is the first domino. Not the fact that we have differing opinions, that's neutral. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the thought that I have about it that there's something wrong with it. That's the first domino. So if you can make that distinction, you are changing the game. You are breaking the vicious cycle already. That is step one. It is a powerful, powerful step, and all it takes is tracing backwards. So you're going to do this when you're in a space of looking back and you're calm, you're in a great state. You're not looking at it from the space of, this is all wrong. I have to fix it. What's wrong with this? You're in a poor state. You're actually looking back and reflecting on something in a great state. All right, next one. See the pattern. So step number two is seeing the pattern. See the pattern of what I just described? So you've got the domino. You've got that first domino. It started here. Well, what do I tend to do when I Think that thought. What tends to happen? What do I tend to feel when I think that thought? And then what do I tend to do when I feel that feeling? What is the pattern? And typically, the pattern goes something like this. The thing that happened neutrally in the world, then we've got our thought about it, then we've got our emotion, then we've got our actions that come from that emotional state. And all of our actions lead to our outcomes. So if some vicious cycle has led to disconnect in a relationship, some vicious cycle has led to poor productivity at work, there is an action prior to that, there's an emotional state prior to that, there's thoughts prior to that, and there are multiple trigger points of the thoughts that we're thinking. And it starts with our thoughts. But if you can see the pattern, well, what do I tend to have as a pattern in that circumstance? When I get sick and I want to work out, what pattern do I tend to have? Do I have a pattern of pushing too much when I'm in a workspace and I get negative feedback? What pattern do I tend to have? Do I tend to really resist or not like any feedback at all from my project? When I'm in a relationship? Is it challenging for me if I don't feel heard by my partner? What is the pattern that tends to happen in that particular scenario? Remember, if someone else had that same scenario, they don't respond the same way. So this is your pattern. This is all about you. And if you can see that pattern, well, I tend to make this situation mean that I didn't do a good job, or I tend to make it mean that my husband doesn't value my opinion. When you can see your pattern in that scenario, it's so much easier to break the pattern. And that's what we're looking to do. So, number one, find the first domino, because that is a magic step. Number two, see your pattern. What do you tend to do in those situations? And number three, like I said, magic step, break the pattern using the first domino. I'm going to say that again. Break the pattern using the first domino. That first domino is the thought in your brain that started the vicious cycle. Like it or not, it wasn't the thing that started the vicious cycle. It's your thought about it. You can find something great, even in a scenario that seems like there's nothing great to be had. I promise you. If it's differing opinions, if it's an awful illness, if it is a project that ended up being a big waste of your time, perhaps there's something great about it, I promise you. So when you can find the great by redirecting your brain, instead of allowing your brain to focus on the negative thing and then allowing your brain to cause the emotional state in your body and then allowing that to. To lead to actions that are not going to be your best and lead to poorer results, you're going to go back to that first domino and take a look at what are the 25 other thoughts that I could have thought in that exact same circumstance? I'll bet you there's 25. But if you're struggling with 25, start with five. What are the five thoughts that you could have had in that exact same circumstance that might have led to something that you wanted, an outcome you wanted in, instead of the outcome you got? Now, here's the thing. In many vicious cycles, when we see the pattern, we look at it and we go, well, in that pattern, I tend to believe that my husband doesn't understand me in that pattern. I tend to believe that my co workers don't value my projects or the work that I put in. And some of you might look at that and go, well, I want to understand why I have that pattern. Now, here's the thing. I call this the cause spectrum. I'm a big believer in understanding a root cause of something, especially when it comes to health. I am a big believer in knowing the why behind all of the thoughts and the actions and the emotional states that are coming along with those thoughts. I want to know where that came from. But trust me in this there is a spectrum of Y. I call this the cause spectrum. We could also call it the Y spectrum, except we tend. Some of us tend to wallow in Y. And I don't want you to do that. So I'm going to describe this spectrum to you. On one end of the spectrum is complete over analysis. Now, what happens with those of us who get stuck in over analysis? We're paralyzed. We get paralysis by analysis. On the complete other end of the spectrum is avoidance. So you've got some people who do not want to know why this is going on at all, and other people who overanalyze why it's going on. And both of those ends of the spectrum will not serve the outcomes that you want. I promise you. I have coached thousands of humans and if you get stuck in the over analysis and if you get stuck in the avoidance, both of them will lead you to outcomes that you do not want. And mostly it's not changing anything. And Staying in the outcome of a vicious cycle, which is typically something that no one wants, otherwise we wouldn't call it a vicious cycle. So on this cause spectrum, on this why spectrum, we don't want to wallow in over analysis, the why of over analysis and we don't want to be in avoidance. So we want to get into the sweet spot. And the sweet spot, the very middle of the cause spectrum is action. And on either side of action is understanding and awareness. So when we're looking at the over analysis side, getting closer to action is understanding. We don't need to pick it apart until the cows come home. We just need to understand a little bit about the why and that's going to support our action. Or on the avoidance side, when we get closer to that sweet spot, what's closer to the sweet spot of action is awareness. We're just aware that, hey, I know why this come, this pattern comes into effect. I know it's there because I witnessed that same pattern thousands of times as a child in an environment with my parents or I, I know why this happened because I got really hurt in high school by some bullying when I did this project I worked really hard at. And I get that same kind of effect when I bring that into work. So you don't have to know every nuance or detail about the cause of why your pattern comes to the forefront. Again, as long as you are in that sweet spot of understanding or awareness that's going to get you into the action of break the pattern, breaking the vicious cycle. So as a recap, vicious cycles, they go and they build step upon, step upon, step upon each other to lead to an outcome that you don't want. So we want to support you in breaking that cycle. Number one, the very first step is find the first domino. When you find that first domino, that's going to help you start to make the changes that you want. Step number two is see your pattern. See your pattern. See what you tend to do in that situation. Get really general back, way up and go. If I had to repeat this a whole bunch of times, what do I tend to do? What do I normally do in that? You can do this with a lot of love, a lot of grace, a lot of respect for yourself. When you're looking upon your pattern, then step three is breaking the pattern. Breaking the pattern by using the first domino, by deciding what other thoughts would I love to be thinking about this situation, what thoughts can serve my emotional state. And then that's where I'm going to take action from. And Then as a bonus here, you want to understand why you have the patterns that you do now. Don't think that you have to have a full understanding, know all the nuances, understand the psychology behind it. No, you don't. You just need to be in that sweet spot of somewhat awareness or understanding that's going to support action, period. That's all you got to do. So then you can look on those patterns and go, okay, that's a pattern I'm willing to leave in my past. Because I promise you that pattern came from your past. And if you're ready to leave it behind, the place that it starts is with that first domino, that first thought. Instead of I hate feeling like this, try on what do I need? I'm going to support my body right now. Instead of he's missing my point. Trying on how can I support him in what he's saying right now? What does it look like? And then answer that. I think I can ask more questions about understanding his perspective. I'd like to know more about his perspective. If I suggest things in this way, I think he'll see my side of things. What are some common elements between the two of us? These things are in common. These are how we go and we see what the ways that first domino. What are the ways we can change and break that pattern? Looking at the project, they don't value me really. How about I'm so grateful for this feedback. This is exactly what I needed to see on some of the areas that I just couldn't see before. I'm so glad I know that now. This project is going to be so much better from that feedback. These are the ways you shift that first domino. That is how you break the pattern. That is how you break the vicious cycle. And I know you can do it. You are an empowered human. You've been got this. Support us if this helps you share it with someone else. If you loved our episode or our podcast, pop us a five star rating. That's how it gets out to more people. We appreciate you. You've got this. Keep going. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team is our group coach and accountability program where we provide the tools, skills and community for you to grow your self mastery as a leader and optimize your results alongside other leaders. The Empowered Team runs year round to learn more about our leadership consulting for business and our Empowered Team group coaching. Head to www.theempowered.caempowered-learn-more. That's www.theempowered.ca empowered-learn-more we can't wait for you to join us. Let's go.