Deep Connection

This is episode 163 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Psst. The zenith is coming. The most incredible life changing retreat in Sayulita, Mexico. That's right, the Zenith is coming. To learn more, head to www.theempowered.ca zenith. Learn more. It is life. Chang.

Welcome to the Empowered Team podcast where.

We explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now, your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider. It is that time of year. We are primed for connection. We want our deepest connections. We want our connections fast.

And I often wonder this is how.

Can we feel more connected to a.

Stranger sometimes than someone we live with? How do we actually create connection Quickly and easily. And in this time of year, we're craving it more than any other time, especially, especially in this time of pandemic. And we may not have even had a normal quote unquote holiday season for a year or two years for a lot of people.

So now what does connection look like?

How do we create it so it's deep and meaningful? And can we create it more easily, fluidly, quickly than maybe we've ordinarily done? Especially if you're feeling a little rusty in creating that connection, Especially if it's around the holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, when sometimes those family eruptions happen and you feel completely disconnected. So I'm going to share just something that occurred for me. And this is about a year ago at this time, and I had gone out. So to give context here, where we used to live, it was about 2km, so over a mile, mile and a half maybe from my workspace, from my gym. And I had such busy days and really needed my own alone time. So I started to drive home or bike or rollerblade home for lunch. And the days that I was booked really quickly, I wouldn't walk, bike or rollerblade. I would drive. And on those days I would be at a very particular intersection. And that intersection almost always had someone who was homeless on the corner that I was turning at. So I was making a left hand turn. And at that corner when I was waiting for the left hand turn, there would almost always be someone there. And I would start to see about the same. I'd say probably five to seven different people. And I noticed that they were almost always men. And I got in the habit. I often didn't want to give money because I wanted to support them in a way that was different than giving money. So I would roll down my window and I would want to have a conversation with Them, and sometimes they didn't want to, but it became kind of ordinary or normal for them to expect that when they saw my vehicle there. And I would. Often I tried to have energy bars or something in the car that I would pass on or sometimes change. And so I got in this habit years ago of chatting, and I'd start to ask questions like, how are you? Or, how's your day going? Or if we made a little bit of connection because there had been repeated conversations, I might ask a deeper question like, how did you get to be in this position? And I'd learn things like, well, I'm actually from a different city, and I ended up here and I didn't have anyone. And I made a couple bad decisions. And, you know, I'd hear some different things. They'd start to talk a little bit. But what I noticed was that they were almost all men, young men, older men. And what would happen. And I can't. I can barely even say this, it affects me so much, is that every once in a while there would be a woman. And I think on that, for the years that I would drive by that corner, I think there was only one woman that I ever saw there who would stand on that spot. Sometimes they'd have a sign, sometimes not. Sometimes just a cup. And when I saw the woman, I was just like, it affects me so profoundly. And I was trying to figure out why, why. Why is it that when I see the woman there, that. That is so impactful for me. And I talked to this woman because she wouldn't be there very often. You know, I can probably say I saw her less than five times in all the times I went by that corner. And I would ask, as I got to know her, and she open up more quickly than the men often would. And I'd ask, you know, how. How are you here? How. How is this your situation? And for her, it was a relationship that she was in, and she felt like she needed to be in that relationship. And this is the circumstances of that relationship. And I tried to explore why I felt so profoundly impacted by her. And I realized what the connection was. And the connection was that there were a number of choices many, many years ago in my life that had me in situations where I felt like it was. It was. I was maybe one or two steps or decisions of from being away in that very same spot that she was. And I think that that was how the connection was there for me, is that I was just, you know, whether it was having the right person in my life at the right time that prevented that one or two steps or that one or two decisions from being in the spot that she is. And that is what landed for me to discover that even though our lives may look on the surface so profoundly different, that we're really not that different were really so much the same. So flash to flash forward, but back from now to about a year ago, a year ago we had moved from that neighborhood I was describing. We downsized our house and we were actually, we were about six months into living in our new neighborhood and our smaller home. And I had a different routine on where I would drive and where I would be. But so I wasn't driving by and plus Covid. So there wasn't as much driving. There wasn't the former routine. So I wasn't seeing the same people that I had been seeing on the street corners in the same timelines that I would. So I hadn't seen anyone for a really long time. People. I was in a different neighborhood, different route. And this one day about a year ago, I was driving through a pretty busy intersection in the city that we live in, driving through commissioners in Wellington, and I was taking a right hand turn. I was going to a spot to get groceries, and when I did so to take that right hand turn, there was someone crossing the crosswalk. So I couldn't turn right away. And it was a woman and she was wearing a. A big red parka, you know, looked well dressed for the weather because it was very cold out. And I made the right hand turn.

I went off to the grocery store.

And got all my groceries. And maybe, maybe it was an hour later, I don't know, 45 minutes, whatever it was, I come back on the same route, but this time I'm turning left at that same corner. And that person who was crossing the road in that red parka, I can't even say this on a podcast, gets me every time. That person who was crossing the road was a woman who was then standing on the corner and she was cold. And to give you context, it was Covid. And we were in the thick of nobody. We were thick of lockdown, shutdown people. The only place people were going to was grocery stores. And nobody was touching anybody. And everybody was masked and everybody was separated and there was just so little, there was so little community connection. It was very, very separated. And there was this woman with this parka on, her hood up, the fur around the hood so tightly closed, I couldn't see her face. I didn't know what she looked like. But I Knew she was a woman. And I'm about to turn left there. And I. All I felt was this massive urge to give her a big hug, a really big hug. And instead of, you know, getting something.

Out of my groceries or, you know.

Finding some change or whatever, that was the feeling. It's just, she needs a hug. And I got out of the car. I stopped the car. I got out of the car. I went over to her. She's, like, right next to the car. And I said, do you need a hug? And she moved towards me and gripped me like. Like I couldn't imagine would happen. And we stood there hugging. I don't know if it was a minute, five minutes, but she hung on.

To me and I hung on to her.

And.

We let go simultaneously.

And I gave her something. I don't know, I gave her granola.

Bars or money or something. And I went home, and I walked in the door at home and I.

Was sobbing, sobbing my eyes out, because I just felt so connected to her. And I could feel her challenges.

And I told.

And it was a bizarre situation because Paul and I were in such troubled.

Times in our relationship that I was hiding from him, hiding my pain from him, because I wasn't able to connect with him. So I was able to connect with a stranger on the street and feel so utterly close. And I wasn't able to open up.

To my husband.

In that moment where.

I felt so vulnerable and so much pain through the woman that I had just hugged. And I told my little daughter because she didn't understand why I was so. Why I was tearful, why I was sobbing.

And I was trying to reassure her that it's okay.

I'm okay. Everything's fine.

I'm not upset with you or anything in general.

I'm just feeling the sadness that I.

Felt through this woman.

And she immediately went to her little snack spot in the cupboard in the little pantry, and she grabs a bunch.

Of her granola bar. She says, keep these in your car, Mom. I don't want you to run out for when you're giving them to people. And I was just, you know, then.

There'S more sobbing because I'm just so moved by her child, like, generosity, her. Her giving. But the reason I'm telling you this story, and apparently it's still affecting me.

The reason I'm telling the story is because we as humans have this ability to connect. We have this ability to feel what other people feel, to be with other people, to live in their spirit, in their feeling, even if we're not in their body. Even if we're not in their circumstance, we have this ability to do it and yet we don't. We actually cut ourselves off from being able to do this with some of the people that are our family or some of the people that we absolutely love the most in the world. And normally when I prepare these topics, you know, I go through and create the questions or the steps or the things that I'm going to share that I think will have the most impact. When I thought about this one.

I.

I was reminded of the story with a woman and I immediately had tears in my eyes and I thought, oh, I better not share that. I'll be crying or, you know, it's so emotional for me. And then I realized that, no, that's.

Exactly what I need to share.

That's exactly what people need to hear right now. Because we do exactly that. We can connect with a stranger and it feels like a true connection and it really is. And it's so good for us. And then at the same time we go home or we go to someone at the office and we completely disconnect, we shut ourselves down or we don't seek to connect with the other person and really understand what they're going through. So there's three key steps in creating connection.

And these steps with the woman that I just described happened really organically, really naturally. But sometimes they don't happen so organically with the people we see day in and day out. So I'm going to share these steps and then share another way that can make it happen faster for you just on a day to day in a really natural way. So the first step is creating curiosity. And the reason I say creating curiosity.

Is sometimes a lot of the time we're in our own heads. We're immersed in what we need to do. We are stuck on what happened earlier in the day. We are ruminating about what's not working. And so I say create curiosity because it takes intention to be curious about someone else and get out of our own heads and into our own heart. Truly create curiosity by seeking to understand where they are, seeking to understand what their world is like. And that curiosity is questions, asking how somebody is really trying to relate to them, asking about something that you know about their life that maybe you haven't talked about in a while, but trying to learn a little more. Because it's going to open up things that you can't possibly predict. It's going to open up the things that have nothing to do with the question. But is Going to open up so much more that you can learn about the other person. So that's. Number one is creating curiosity, asking the questions about their life. Number two is feeling what they feel, truly walking in their shoes. And this comes from looking for similarities instead of what's so easy to see, which is the differences. We see the differences all the time. Our brain is designed to look for the differences. But when we feel what they feel, we are them. We are our spouse, we are our child, we are our co worker. When we're feeling what they feel, the feeling is common between the two. It doesn't matter if you haven't experienced what they've experienced in life. It doesn't matter if you don't believe what they believe in life. It doesn't matter if you have opposite ends of the spectrum on a particular topic, it really doesn't matter. But when you can feel what they feel, that feeling is the same. You are them at that moment. So if you can feel what they feel and see the similarities, you're truly being them in that moment. And that creates the ultimate connection. So that's number two. Number one is create the curiosity. Number two, feel what they feel. And number three is give them what they need. Give them what they need. And this is that point where, you know, I think the woman on the corner, oh, here I go again. I'm gonna cry again. This is amazing. I think she wanted, you know, maybe she wanted some money, maybe she wanted some food, maybe she wanted some alcohol, I don't know. But I felt what she felt. And what she needed in that moment was a hug. And her body and her language, everything told me that that's what it was. And give them what they need. And we're never going to know what they need unless we've gotten curious, unless we've felt what they feel. We're never going to know what they need unless we've done those first two steps and then we actually give them what they need. Not from what we think they need, not from wanting it to be a certain way or wanting something back, but from really giving what they need. And this is a biggest lesson for me when I describe that scenario where I come home and I'm withdrawing my vulnerability from my husband who I'm disconnected to at that time. And I'm thinking that we're not connected and I can't be vulnerable around him. When I couldn't see at the time that one of the things that he needed the most was for me to be vulnerable with him, was for me to need him. So in that moment where I felt so disconnected to him, I was actually taking away what he needed by hiding my own sadness, by hiding my own vulnerability. But I didn't know it because I wasn't curious enough with him. I wasn't bothering to feel what he felt because I was so immersed in. In my feelings of disconnection from him, in my feelings of being not understood, of being not heard, of feeling not wanted by him. I was so immersed in my own feelings, I couldn't feel what he was feeling. And what he actually needed was for me just to be the way I was being and actually need him. And so when I look back on this, it seems so obvious from where we are right now and what I can see right now, and all the learnings I've had right now and discoveries and connections and our greater connection right now, I can see it right now. But then I felt so far away from him that I couldn't have connected with him. That's what I thought at the time. And it completely was not true. It wasn't true at all. So what does it really take to be able to do those three steps? Creating curiosity, feeling what they feel, and giving them what they need. Because the example I just gave, I did it easily and readily with a stranger on the street and felt utterly connected. Then got home and had none of that with my own husband. So what does it really take? So this is it right here. I'm going to give you some of the questions that I've asked repeatedly from my clients and my children from a heartfelt space. And as you hear them, just see what comes up for you. The first question is, how are you? And oftentimes the automatic answer comes out good, fine, you know, great, but you don't really feel much behind it. So then the next question is, how are you really? And just pause, wait, look at them. Be there for them. Hold space. What is on your heart and mind today? What is on your heart and mind today? Not just what's going on, but what is on your heart and mind. If I notice something, I've asked this one of many people. It's been so helpful for my kids clients too. Do you need a hug? This has changed my life. I decided at one point when Paul and I were struggling, like maybe we just do a one minute hug every day. And then we started doing it and it was awesome. One minute of holding each other, just hugging any time of the day, just holding each other. It was awesome. And then one day missed and maybe another day missed. And then what my brain wanted to do go oh, okay, so if I made the idea, then I have to do it all the time and he's never going to follow through. I started blaming completely, creating more disconnection instead of reinitiating the hug. That was so freaking powerful. Do you need a hug? Do you need space or alone time? What are you willing to do right now? What can you step into right now? What are you able to do right now for yourself or for others? Now I imagine when you hear these questions, you might be envisioning yourself asking someone else these questions. But the most powerful thing I've found in these questions is putting them towards myself. I spent years putting these questions to other people and neglecting my own needs and finding myself in a space of such depletion that I couldn't see what other people really needed who were closest to me. So these questions, though so powerful toward others, are ultimately the most powerful when asked to ourselves, so that we can keep taking those three steps of creating curiosity, understanding somebody else, feeling what they feel, really looking for how you're the same, how you feel those same feelings, and giving them what they need. So I think that with those steps and perhaps that story, it's not just about staying in our heads and going about our business. It's actually getting into our hearts and feeling what's going on for others so that we can truly connect. And that's my wish for you this holiday season is truly connecting with humanity, with strangers, with your loved ones, filling your heart, sparking your spirit, and really deeply connecting. That's my wish for you this holiday season and so much love to you. Keep going. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep showing up as your best and we will too.

Have a beautiful, beautiful holiday season.

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