EP19 Kari and Paul - Long Distance Relationships

This is the Empowered athlete podcast, episode 19.

Welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast, created to support athletes in their pursuit of excellence and inspire others toward their best lives. Hosted by Kari Schneider, coach to top performers in sport and life. And Paul Duarten, former national and professional volleyball player.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the latest installment of the Empowered Athlete Podcast. I'm Paul Durden alongside my lovely wife, Kari Schneider, here in February, the month of love. And what better time to send a little love to someone you care about with a special gift. Kari, what do you got for us?

Well, this is a perfect month for giving a gift of a watch. It's something that we have each given each other on Valentine's Day. It's one of my favorite gifts that you've given me and we have a little promo code for you to get 15% off a welly Merck watch. They're beautiful, high fashion watches and they've got an amazing look and amazing quality and the packaging is gorgeous for gift giving. So you can, you can get a Welly Merck watch, men's or women's, and it will be a discount code of WK A R I15. So you go to wellymark.com, use that promo code, WK A R I15, and you can get 15% off a gift for your loved one in February for Valentine's Day. Today we're talking about relationships, long distance relationships specifically.

Yeah, we've absolutely lived the long distance relationship. I know a lot of listeners out there have. And we really wanted to talk about this because, you know, we speak to athletes, we speak to coaches. And if you are an athlete, if you're a professional, if you're an Olympian, if you even have a job that forces you to travel, chances are you will be spending time on the road for a short or long time away from someone that you love and really care about your partner. And so having gone through it, the two of us, we have, we just wanted to share our experiences with you and give you some tips to hopefully get through it, make it a little bit easier. Definitely isn't easy, but yeah, Kari, I think I'd love to hear from you the good and the bad of it, because there are, believe it or not, there are a few good things to a long distance relationship, but, but some tough things to deal with as well. So what for you stands out if you had to give me the worst things about a long distance relationship?

Well, I think I'm going to go through, I'm going to go through the three top worst things I think and the three best things as well about long distance relationships. And honestly, I think this applies to anyone who has been in any relationship because I think you can really pull some things out of here that are going to apply to even relationships that aren't long distance. But as we worked on this, I realized that there's so many people who have long distance relationships. Of course athletes, of course coaches, But I even think of my oldest daughter. She's in a long distance relationship because she's at university and her boyfriend's back home, you know, so there's so many people that this affects and you have no idea how it's gonna affect you until you're in it. So this hopefully will give people some insight and some tips and just start looking at things from both sides. And then after I'm done my best and worst, you'll be able to give some of the best tips for surviving your survival kit. Awesome. Yeah.

Hey, but define for me long distance because this isn't living across town from someone, right?

So I kind of split it into three categories. I figured that long distance relationships fall into three categories. Number one being that you're in something like a two to eight hour drive away from someone. Because in my mind, that fosters the potential for seeing each other on the weekends or for sure, monthly if you're about a two to eight hour drive, even if it's via train or bus or driving. But you can probably see each other every other weekend, maybe monthly. And then the second one is that you might be in the same household. You wouldn't call yourself being in a long distance relationship. However, one or both of you are doing a ton of traveling. Maybe you're the athlete, maybe it's for a career, for work. Maybe both of you are traveling for work. So there's just a lot of time spent apart. Then you might have to implement some of the things that we're suggesting in Paul's survival because you're living in the same household, but you're, you know, passing the baton, flying by each other at night. And then the third long distance relationship is one that we experienced is that across the world relationship. We might have to go many, many weeks or even months without seeing the other person.

The worst.

Yeah, and there's all kinds of things you have to employ to get, you know, how do you have a thriving relationship when you can't even see each other? So it's, it's, it can be a real struggle. So first going into the worst things, number one is the lonely missing and longing for the person that you love, that feeling is, is number one, the worst feeling, being apart from the person you care about the most. And what I find in that is that it's pervasive. And what the person who's maybe in the sport or the job or whatever, you have to really get good at compartmentalizing. But even though you're doing that, you have this pervasive loneliness that gets carried through even when you're fully focused on your job or your spirit or whatever it is you're doing. So that would be number one. Is that lonely missing that really that awful feeling of being apart.

And it seems super obvious to state that, but if you haven't yet been in the long distance relationship or you're contemplating it because of sport, or you're going to be going to school soon, you have to believe that it really is. It's a physical as well as a mental thing. I remember you visiting me in Turkey and dropping you off at the airport. And as soon as you walk through security and passport control and we're gone, I literally felt like I gained a hundred pounds. I felt so heavy and exhausted and tired instantly. It was a physical change as soon as you. Because that feeling just comes right back and it, until you experience it. It sounds obvious, yeah, oh, I'm gonna miss them and feel sad and down. But it's incredible how powerful it can be.

But then the question becomes, as human beings, we always want to find a way to typically numb a feeling that is so negative. So if you're into that valley of somewhat feeling depressed, then, you know, what do we do? Is it an extra glass of wine? Is it, you know, diving into video games? Is it porn? Is it food? Is it, you know, typically it's gonna be something that someone chooses to numb that awful feeling and, and that steps into that zone of okay, like it's, it can be unhealthy mentally or physically or all of the above. So I remember calling you on Skype and saying, and looking at your face and trying to look closer, saying to you, so were you drinking wine? And you're like, well, yeah. And Paul had this wine mustache, like this red wine mustache like you would see on a kid with a milk mustache.

And he had this drinking Kool Aid.

He had this wine mustache, drinking red wine and maybe a little too much.

Of it because he just, you know, sipping slowly.

Yeah, you were slipping slowly is what was going on. So that's number one. And number two is that feeling of, especially in the sporting world is the uncertainty of what the other person is doing or exposed to. So maybe it's the partying or the drinking or the out late and with other people. And even if you're not in the sporting or athlete world, then it might be a conference or it might be work gatherings or a work party or a celebration. Certainly in the sporting world there's usually the celebratory get togethers after a win or especially after playoffs. But then that for the person who's not involved in that, it brings on this wondering of, you know, what is the person doing now? With social media, there is so much more that people can see. And it's one of those things that for a relationship long distance, you typically have to decide what those rules and what those boundaries are. But that uncertainty overall can be one of the worst things things when you have such strong feelings about another person. And you also know that if there's drinking involved or late nights or whatever, or especially in the sporting world where there's massive fans and those fans pursue the athletes, especially if they have a chance to be around the athlete, then you know, you just don't really like that feeling. So there's the uncertainty and then that brings up the question of trust. And what does that look like when you're not around each other? And any comments there?

Well, we'll just. I think that's a huge one. And the tips that I'll get to a little bit later on will give you some ways to address that.

And then number three of the worst things is the feeling of pausing your life. Typically when people are long distance, they're in this scenario. I was anyway, I think both of us were where, you know, you're always thinking, well, I want to do that with the other person. So then you may not do it yourself. So I know that I was doing things like I wouldn't watch a certain movie because I thought that'd be a great movie that he'd like and we should watch together or other little activities. Always having this, this mentality of saving for the together times and then. But ultimately it's that feeling of you've put your life on hold. And maybe you literally have put your life on hold. Maybe you've decided not to take the career or take the schooling or whatever because it's not the right time when you're apart or whatever. But oftentimes it's that feeling of pausing your life in a way because you're waiting to experience life with the other person or whatever that looks like for the relationship. So those are the top Three really, that loneliness, the, the uncertainty of what's going on with the other person and really pausing your life in a variety of ways.

Yeah, that last one just want to expand a tiny bit in that it can be little things like not watching that movie you want to see because you want to see it together and waiting and possibly forgetting. Never watch it if it's that long before you're together. But pausing your life in a way that undermines your, your growth and development is the real risk or danger of just holding off on something, something you want to do that you might be passionate about, to wait until you're together or pursue. But just watching that, it's not something that affects your actual happiness as an individual and your growth as an individual is really key.

Yeah, exactly. So on the side, what is good?

What is good about a long distance relationship?

Nothing. Nothing is good. No, there is always a flip side even. And this has been a practice that we've learned a lot about and that is that there out of every awful situation, there's a movie we just watched, there's always Collateral Beauty. So Will Smith is a good movie. Little sad, but good movie. Yeah, there's always a good side to every awful thing. And so these are the three best things out of a long distance relationship. And that number one is the independence or autonomy. It allows time that when in a relationship you may not have had that alone time to have with friends, family or even just yourself because it may not have been the focus which when you are with a significant other all the time, it can be a great exercise in practicing your best self care, your best nurturing of other relationships and also trying new things. It's also one of those things for the person who might be focusing on their career or their sport or coaching, it might be a really great time to really focus in, on improving themselves in that realm. So getting very focused on the sport or the career or even the children, it might be on the flip side for whoever the caregiver is in the home, maybe they're focusing more on the kids because the other person is gone. So that independence or autonomy and really stepping into being able to do whatever you want to do alone is number.

One and recognizing that it's a huge chance to do that. It's that little extra time you have, if you take advantage of it is invaluable and that you can, with the right mindset, be positive about that time apart to say, hey, I'm going to use this extra time, I have an extra hour or so that I'd normally be, you know, hanging my significant other. I totally missed that. But I'm going to use this hour to grow and be better so that when we are together, have this new facet to me or a new skill or a new ability, or I've promoted myself in my work or my life in some way and it can be a huge positive.

On the other side of that too is that for the spouse or whether it's male or female for that spouse who's joined the traveling athlete, you have some of the same feelings in different ways. So for instance, pausing your life because you've joined the other person or you know, maybe you have to take care of the kids because the other person is traveling or. But you've got all this extra time that you weren't focusing on schooling or career or whatever it is. And maybe it's extra time to read or extra time to do an online course or extra time to explore a new city that just was never there in a different part of your life. So you know, it's, it's like Paul says, it's how you look at the situation. Because your perspective, looking at it negatively, you're always going to find what you're looking for. So if you're thinking of it negatively, then you're going to find all the evidence right in front of you. If you can look at it and get occupied, busy, creative, then you're going to have less time to look for the things that suck, if that's what you've been doing. So the second best thing, aside from the independence and autonomy is the creativity. So I've found that time apart fosters this, imagining time together. So when you're apart you're often longing for that other person. So it creates this imagining of what you do together, imagining when you were together, imagining what things could look like. And that often leads to the next step of thinking of little surprises or the next date you might have or next activities or even writing letters like what a great thing there, especially for the month of February, or romantic different gestures. So the creativity that comes from being apart is one of those times that is that all kinds of little things can be created as parts of your relationship that develop into traditions in the long term that you just never forget that were in the beginning or from that time apart that really end up shaping the long term relationship.

Yeah, that's a really great one. It's really, it's romantic skill building, if you will, because it is, you know, you get into little habits because you're Apart that you've got to push and do something different. That if you can maintain when you're together, keep the romance and spark alive when it's time to make dinner for the kids and walk the dogs and pick up their poop and take up the garbage and do laundry.

Pick up the dogs as poop, not the kids, hopefully.

Hopefully.

Wow. There's a lot of those little things that honestly that we've stopped doing that we could look back on and go, oh my gosh, like how great would that be to have this back or that back for sure. Just, you know, the years of serving everybody else instead of the relationship. Cause the let those little things go. So. And that really segues well into the third. One of the best things about long distance relationship and that is appreciation. That saying that the absence makes the heart grow fonder is so true. So typically, I would suggest that if you are in a long distance relationship, nobody is going to volunteer for something like that. So the only reason you're doing it has to be because you truly care and love deeply the other person. And so if that's the case and you care that much about someone and then you're apart, you're not thinking about the last argument or the things that annoy you, you're thinking the most, you're appreciating every little endearing thing that you love about that person. So that absence causes a lot of amazing appreciation for the person or the relationship. And that I think is the third best thing about the distance.

Yeah, I remember having great conversations with you after visits, dissecting the visit about I love so much we went to that restaurant and you did this or said that and it made me feel this. And the way we would kind of break down each moment and just appreciate whatever it was that we had and spur us to look forward to the next.

Yeah. And the other thing too is that, you know, we were so in love and, and then apart at the same time. We didn't want to forget any little moment and then it just was, you know, we'd be lingering on any little moment all that time that we were apart then afterwards. So it was one of those things that, yeah, all the little details are now probably, if we thought about it, still etched in our memory about our memory. Like we're one, we're joined at the hip here, but our memories about that whole time of being apart.

Yeah, absolutely.

So that brings us into Paul's survival kit for long distance relationships.

Yeah. And the first thing that I want to bring up, this is an obvious one. And if it doesn't happen, I would suggest for you to get out of that long distance relationship. And this isn't even really a tip, this will just happen. But it is. Map out your season, your travel time, your period, map it out and plan the visits. You need a goal, something to look forward to. And if you're leaving your significant other for an extended period of time and you don't know when the next time you're going to see each other, that may be a.

That's a freaking huge red flag.

Yeah. But if you're not concerned about that or it's not a priority to be getting your head, you're going to jump.

To the next lily pad.

Yeah. So that just kind of goes without saying, but absolutely. Map out visits and have things to look forward to that you can count down to with your partner. So the first real tip I want to give though is an easy one. It's a small one, but a big one, at least for me. And it is have your partner feel like they're the first and last part of your day. And what that means is that when I'm waking up away from Kari, I still do this now when I travel on the road, I send a quick message saying, good morning, I miss you, hope you have a wonderful day. Maybe give quick line about where I'm going or what I'm doing, but just letting Kari know that when I'm waking up, I'm thinking about her. And the same is true at bedtime. So when I'm going to sleep, I'm wrapping up my day again. I want her to know that I wish I was laying down next to her to go to sleep and I'm not. And again that she's on my mind. And I hope that she had a great day if we didn't have a chance to talk. But those two kind of opening and closing moments of the day I think are really important just to calm each other when it can be hard being apart. It's a reassuring thing, at least for me to know if I get a message from Kari before she goes to bed that she's thinking about me. It's a calming, good feeling effect that, that has.

That's such a huge little. It's a huge small action. And I remember clearly when we were apart, we had an eight hour time difference from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Izmir, Turkey. And I would give Paul crap and say, don't set the alarm, don't wake up. You need your sleep, you have to. Oh, he'd Say, don't worry, don't worry. I want to talk to you before you go to bed. Like, no, you can't. You need to go to sleep.

You.

And inevitably the Skype would chime away and ring and he'd be calling me at 9pm at night, which would be what time?

No, I'd be calling you in the middle of the night at 3 or 4 in the morning.

No, no, no, it'd be 9pm My time. So 9. Yeah, yeah. You'd wake up at 4 in the morning to talk to me, to say goodnight to me. That's what I'm saying.

But I'm ahead of you.

I know it's four in the morning for you.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So we're actually, this is one of the first times we're doing a podcast and we can see each other and normally we're in a. We're in separate rooms, but we can actually see each other. And he's like, no, no, but yeah, that's. We're both saying the same thing. And that is that it was 9pm at night where I might be getting ready for bed, to go to bed at 10 or 10:30 or something like that. And the Skype would ring because he would have gotten up at 3 o' clock or 4 o' clock in the morning and in order to say goodnight to me so that he'd be waking up for the day, but he'd be saying goodnight to me and it'd be dark where he was. Cause it was so bloody early in the morning.

I may have gone back to bed once or twice though.

No, I know you were, but. I know you were. But there's still nobody in their right mind wants to wake up at three or four in the morning. You feel like crap when you do that. You're breaking a sleep cycle. He'd be groggy, rubbing his eyes, and I'm like, what are you doing? I just wanted to talk to you before you went to sleep. Sleep. And I'm like, but you could be sleeping right now. But he would do that all the time. Anytime he wasn't traveling, he would set his alarm and wake up so he could see me. Because the time difference was so great that we couldn't. Like when he was going to bed, I might be in the middle of my day and so I might be working and I couldn't talk to him at all. So we would miss each other because of the time difference and he'd be setting his alarm at 3 or 4 in the morning so that he could actually see me on video and talk before I went to sleep. And it paid huge dividends, I think, for our relationship, because it's that connection that me knowing that he's willing to do that and wake up just so that he can connect with me, and then I get to go to sleep having the last conversation, be with him. So, yeah, those. It seems like a little thing, but now with texts and everything that we can do, it's good. Yeah, Huge. Huge for a relationship.

Yeah. So that first tip was a small one. The second one here is a big one. A lot to this, but I'll try to keep it short. And this tip is to, with your partner, set clear expectations and boundaries about how you see the relationship going, about how you see communication happening. What do you need from me in terms of communication? What do I need from you? What stresses me out if I don't hear after a certain amount of time or things of that nature? Kari, you alluded to this before about setting some guidelines or rules around social events, about, I may not want you ever going out to a bar or a club if I'm not with you after 11. And you may hate that. You may not. But it's something that if I feel really strongly about, we would need to talk about. Or.

Yeah, it's one of those. Those things. Like, some people are like, oh, go do what you're gonna do. And they have complete and utter trust in the other person and other people. It's not about the trust. It's just that they don't want them in a compromising situation with a lot of drunk people around or, you know, who knows what it is? I know that one couple who is very high profile and travels a lot, they have a couple rule which is that if they are to be out in a social. Social situation when they're traveling without this spouse, then. And they're going to be with other people of the opposite sex, then they don't have any beverages. So no. No alcoholic beverages. So they've just made the deal that they just don't want to put alcohol in the equation where someone's judgment might be impaired. And, you know, even if they never, ever in a million years intend on cheating on someone, they just don't want to be in that scenario where their judgment's impaired or, you know, who knows?

So, yeah, it's. And again, it's entirely up to you and what feels good and right for you and for your partner and that. But you have to have the discussion. You can't figure these things out when you're apart because it's, it's hard to work. I mean, you can, but it's harder to work backwards after something has gone on that maybe stressed out your partner as opposed to being clear and upfront about what might be going on or what you're going to be doing. Is there something you're going to.

Well, it's just even though, like even those things where sometimes when you're in a long distance relationship and then you go and visit the other person and they're in their routine, they have a routine and then all of a sudden you come in and you kind of. It upsets everything that the person used to do individually. But there's all kinds of allowance around that because it's a visit. And those rules may have been bent because it's a visit. Whereas. And then when you actually live together, you're trying to do the same things or act the same way that you did when you were on visits as a long distance. But it doesn't apply anymore because that person may not like it when you are interrupting them when they're working, or may not like it when you are watching TV really late when the other person goes to bed at a certain time or whatever. I remember when we were living together and you would be traveling a lot, but we were living in Turkey. And when you would get ready to go on the road, there were all kinds of things that you'd be, you know, it had to be this and that and this, packed this way and that, and you're getting everything organized. And because it would be, say, the last time I'd see you for whatever period of time, maybe it was a weekend, maybe it was a week or more or whatever, I'd be, you know, going along, wanting to chat with you at the same time. And most of us realize that you can't. When someone's thinking about a whole bunch of different things that they need to get organized, they can't hear or converse back with someone else. And it was one of these things where you're just like, I can't talk right now. I can't try to politely say to the other person, you know, and it's little things like that. If you, if you keep going over those boundaries, it just creates conflict. But if you set those boundaries and those little things ahead of time or revisit them so you know what they are, then it really makes a huge difference in how smooth the relationship can go.

Yeah. And as an athlete, your routine is critical to your performance. You know, down to exactly what you're eating, how far in advance of a game or an event or a competition, a practice, all of those routines. You're napping, you're sleeping, you're training. Again, communicating that to your partner is critical so that they can understand how they can best support you and at the same time not feel shunned or slighted. If, you know, I, for example, would not want to have a long distance conversation within five to six hours of a game because I have just certain things in my routine that I don't want to mess with and break up. So if Kari understands that, then she's not worried. When I'm going radio silent six hours before a match, wondering, why isn't he talking to me this afternoon? Well, because I'm doing xyz, you know, we've had our video prep meeting. I'm having a nap, I'm eating this, I'm doing that. And don't want to sit down at the computer for 20 or 30 minutes. So it's that again, it comes down to the communication and being clear on what you need and what you don't need from your partner.

And that's one of those things that, because I work in the same field and I'd be, I'd be the person coaching so many athletes on, get this routine down pat, like it wasn't even a question in my mind for any of those things. Like, that didn't even ever come up. But the same thing applies if you have a different field of work or you don't fully understand what your partner does and what they do. You have to figure that out and respect what they need in their prep for whatever it is, whether it's travel, whether it's their work, whatever it happens to be. So, yeah, awesome.

So my last tip, we've got first one of, first and last thing of the day. Thinking of your partner and communicating, setting expectations and boundaries. And finally, this goes along with what you're saying earlier. Kari, is be creative. And to make that long distance relationship work, you can't be lazy about it. You've got to keep the spark alive somehow and enjoy doing it through your creativity. And it can mean going old school, like you said, sending letters or writing a postcard from where you're traveling to. Getting something in the mail is such a cool feeling because it's so rare these days to have something tangible that you can hold and know that your partner took time to actually sit down and write a little Note out to you and find a stamp somewhere in a foreign country and then a post office and send it off as a cool feeling. And getting your friends involved help surprise your partner in some way. Dropping off a little package or doing something you know they would appreciate. And as a couple, finding things creatively that you can do together while you're apart. So it could be, you know, both buying a book twice and both reading and working through it and talking about it or we love to share podcasts. I love when Kari sends me a podcast you just listen to. She'll say, check this out and then tell me what you think after and we'll discuss it. And it's just another easy way to connect and feel like we're doing something together. Another really cool thing that we did was we bought a box of. I think it was. I don't know if I'm Voge chocolates. You have to look that up. I'm killing the name. But there are these specialty chocolates that were made with crazy ingredients. There's a Wuma Lumu bar, I believe, and you know, flakes of coconut and sea salt and all kinds of different things. You like the bar. And then what we would do is we save these bars and would eat them together, sample one on one call a month or a week or whatever it was and just enjoy those chocolates exactly the same time and again, it made us feel silly.

It made us feel like we were together though, and that was the priority. We just wanted to be together. And then if we were apart, but eating the same chocolate at the same time and talking about it and experiencing it at the same time, it was like we were having a little date together. And so it was. Yeah, it was, it was a special thing. But like, there's so much to be said for all these little romantic gestures to still happen when you're together, especially when you're together for a long time. Because these are the things that get lost. And this is what gets lost in long term relationships, in keeping the romance alive and in, in the things that Paul's mentioning. It brings my mind to. He would. One time he would. I would fly from Winnipeg to Toronto, Toronto to Munich, Germany and then Munich to Izmir to go and visit. And he, he one time surprised me in the Munich airport because the way it was set up at the time, and it changed over the few years we were there. But at the time he would be in the same terminal that I would be waiting for my next flight. And one time he timed it so that he flew from Izmir to Munich to surprise me in Munich, which he did. It freaked me. He came up behind me and whispered in my ear, and I just about clocked him and. And then. But it gave us hours more together. And when we had such a short visit and it was such a far distance, that meant everything to us at the time. And I remember booking my flight one time and I had a travel agent on the phone and the guy was saying, he's like, you're going halfway across the world, but you're only going to be there for this many days. And my quick response was, yeah, you only do something like this for two reasons, and it's not for work. And he knew immediately it's for love. That's why you do these crazy things. And so those romantic gestures are. That's what makes the world go round is love. And I think that brings us into our next topic. What do you want to.

I just want to kind of wrap up this discussion with a quick quote. We used to watch Glee together, at least season one, but we didn't get much further than season one. But Emma in season four said, I would rather be here, far from you, but feeling really close, rather than close to you, but feeling really far away. And that's the mindset that you want to have in your relationship, whether you are near or far, that you feel really close and you can make it happen either way. It takes work either way. And that's what people need to understand. I think, listening is that Kari and I have lived in the same house and felt miles and miles and miles apart, really. And we've lived on other sides of the ocean and felt closer than anything. And it comes down to your communication and your creativity and just your passion for the relationship and the work that you're willing to put into it. So that's the last thing I wanted to say about long distance relationships.

That was really sweet. I wasn't expecting that. He's gazing at me right now across an unmade bed here, scoring points.

So talk to us about the February 1230 challenge.

This is so hard to talk about. Oh, my gosh. When we made all these challenges, we had no idea that we were going to be inviting other people to try the challenges too.

And thank you to everyone who's already signed up to the community. It's fantastic to feel people alongside us.

Yeah, you feel like you're doing it together, and then you're more likely to do whatever the challenge is because January was all meatless. It's the meatless month. It's the no meat. I guess February is the opposite because we're calling.

Whoa.

We're calling this Frisky February. And we again weren't intending to make this public. So this is super uncomfortable for both Paul and I. We're very private people. So this whole endeavor of podcasting is. But February is called Frisky February and it's for the Valentine month and unfortunately.

A shorter month than the other months of the year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So there's not full 30 days for the challenge, but there will be 28.

So it's not even a leap year.

It's okay. You'll survive. In having a best relationship. I think that anyone who's been in a long term relationship, they understand that when people are the most connected, they are also physically connected as well. They are having a lot of intimacy, whether it is just shows of affection or hugs or kisses and then all of the rest of what comes with that as well. And if that's not happening, chances are the people in that relationship are not connected mentally or emotionally or whatever way. So those two are certainly linked. And you all. I think most people would know that when the relationship's going the best, so are other actions as well. And so the challenge this month comes about having a really healthy, loving relationship. And in having a really healthy, loving relationship that involves making those acts of love happen on a regular basis. And as people are in longer term relationships and maybe they have kids, kids and maybe they have travel, maybe they have long distance, all of those become barriers and sometimes they become. That becomes a habit in prioritizing with everything else instead of nurturing the relationship with that the couple needs. And sometimes that's an intimate relationship as well. I'm trying to really say all this in the most. Doing a great job, careful. And yeah, we are PG rated at the moment. No, this is. This is an art. This is. It is PG rated. But this is 18 plus this podcast. So anyway, so the challenge itself is a daily act of love together, whatever that looks like for you. So you can define what that looks like for your relationship, but you know, we're going to define that for ours is trying to make something go on together intimately for us on a daily basis. If we are in the same vicinity city, that means and if we're not, then whatever that looks like for the couple apart. Still trying to keep along with the daily challenge.

Be creative.

Be creative. And yeah, but that's the thing. This is gonna. This is one of those challenges that will bring out More romance, more creativity, more, you know, instead of getting into the same exact kind of routine that works sometimes, but certainly doesn't have that creative edge or spark or real. Real, real connection or fun or whatever that maybe it had in the beginning. So. So we brought this into our lives just from a personal standpoint so that we can grow in this realm of our intimacy. And that's the same theme for every single one of the challenges. It's so that we can grow somewhere in our life that we want to improve upon. So that's our challenge for you, is for your relationship. And even if you're not in a relationship, it doesn't mean go and find a bunch of porn. What it means is honor yourself and your sexual relationship with yourself a little more on a daily basis and go.

On some dates, get out there and.

Sure doesn't. Yeah, whatever.

Connect with people.

Whatever lights you up. This is about lighting you up from your romantic and your. Yeah. Your spiritual, sexual, romantic side of things. Oh, I think I'm sweating now. That was hard to say, all that.

Great job.

You're not going to say anything? You're going to leave this all to me?

Oh, yeah. This is.

No.

No. I'll just add that. Feel incredibly awkward talking about these things. But I do know how important it is that even reflecting on our relationship when we're not connected, things are definitely not happening in the bedroom. And what happens is it creates a pattern that even when we are connected, that things don't happen as easily as they should or.

And then time's a factor.

Right. And so that's the other purpose of this challenge, is to force ourselves to address those things that might be barriers and overcome them and get positive habits going again and positive actions. And, you know, I want to send you texts throughout the day or notes to let you know that I'm thinking about you and things like that. And again, being creative and getting into a routine and a habit of doing things that will put a positive energy into our relationship all the time.

Yeah. It's not about satisfying a physical need. It's about nurturing a romantic and intimate connection between people.

Absolutely. Well said.

Thank you. Yeah, I could go on about that a little bit, but I would feel very uncomfortable. So what we're going to do, we.

Do need to wrap up here.

Yes, yes.

Go to the book.

So we are going to. That's our challenge for February. This should be airing a little bit into February, so we hopefully will have started this with a bang. And this is our invitation to you to see if you can finish off the month of February with the same kind of challenge and nurture that romantic, physical, sexual side of your being. We're going to finish off this podcast with our book of questions. And we've got this little book that's got tons of questions. It's got, in fact, you know, a couple hundred plus questions. And Paul's going to pick a number and I'm going to look at the question in the book and then we're going to get to know each other and a little bit better, and you'll get to know us a little bit better. So pick a number, Paul.

I am going to go with 88. You know, there's another number I should have said this month, but. Oh, I'm not going to say.

Your mind out of the gutter, buddy. Holy cow. All right, 88. You, your closest friend and your father are on vacation together. Hiking in a remote jungle, your two companions stumble into a nest of poison poisonous vipers and are bitten repeatedly. You know, neither will live without an immediate shot of antiven venom. Yet there is only a single dose of anti venom and it is in your pocket. What would you do? You, your closest friend and your father. Who do you pick? Who do you give the antivenom to? What do you do?

This is horrible.

I know. I never thought this would be forced to choose. I don't. I didn't know a question like this was in here. I'm sorry.

I got easy out that my father passed away in 1997 and so it's hard to imagine having him back and then having to make this decision.

I pretend he never died.

I am, I'm trying to do that. I. Gosh, the old rule of, you know, women and children first. If the ship's going down, I feel as though I'm defaulting to the younger.

Of the two because, well, you give the.

Give life to the person who hasn't lived as long.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I get the rationale there.

But it's a best friend and father's father where I'm supposed to analyze the relationship. Perhaps.

What if you could have them do rock paper scissors? Or you could have them decide and you just walk away?

Yeah, I toss it into the air.

Above them and make them fight for it.

That's horrible as well.

It's horrible on so many levels. No, maybe they can't do anything.

Am I allowed to say they would attempt to give them both half or.

And then they both die? I think it's. I think it's a. Yeah. Okay, so let's just say.

I'm sorry. I'm giving you a terrible answer here. Yeah.

But I don't know.

I think I would default to the younger of the two. If I love them equally, how can I make that decision?

I know, I know, I know, I know. Anywho, maybe I'd ask them. Yeah, well, maybe they're.

Could be an Armageddon kind of thing.

I know.

Where, you know, one of them will say, we'll make an argument for some reason. One of them will say, I haven't told you guys this yet, but I'm actually terminal.

Right. That would be so great. So, I mean, not. But I mean, you know what I mean.

Yes.

It would really help.

Holy. I feel horrible right now.

I know.

Let's just end this and say that I would.

It's okay. It's okay. This is fictional. It's not really happening. It's okay.

Great question. Wow.

Yeah. That's what these questions are for is to really prompt some thinking. So. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Definitely leave your comments for us.

And good luck for a romantic, beautiful February. I can't wait for you to join us with our next podcast guests. And happy Valentine's Day this month.

Take care everyone.

Thank you so much for listening. To get more support in living your best life, find us in our free Facebook community Empowered Top performers. We're on Instagram, Paul Durden and powerconditioning. Please share this podcast and rate us. A five star review would mean the world to us. That is how we connect with and support more people to excel in sport and life. Take what you learned today and try it. Progress is perfection.

Sa.