EP66 Kari and Paul - Decade in Review

This is episode 66 of the Empowered Athlete podcast. Are you 6, 5, 2, 25 and male? Or maybe 5, 4, 1, 10 and female? Are you a swimmer, runner, gymnast or hockey player? Have you had three knee surgeries like me or a shoulder that tends to get sore? We all have different bodies and it makes sense that we require specific training and adjustment for best results. Are you self motivated, ready for consistency and want to follow a training plan customized for your needs? Maybe you are ready to be coached.

Being trained typically means you rely on someone to take you through each workout. Being coached means you are ready to do it on your own but want the guidance from an expert to efficiently get to your best results while still accountable. If you're ready to be coached, then contact us for an assessment in person or online and we will make a customized training program for you to get to your goals. Welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast, created to support athletes in their pursuit of excellence and inspire others toward their best lives. Host the by Kari Schneider, coach to top performers in sport and life and Paul Durden, former national and professional volleyball player.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast. Coming to you live from the 401 highway and our bedroom in London, Ontario simultaneously. I'm on the highway. Curry, you're in the bedroom.

They are good. I have banana bread in the oven as we speak, so I'm. I'm pulling the domestic diva this weekend and as you can tell, we are dividing and conquering in that we can't necessarily be together to do this, so we are finding a way to make it happen. And that means that you are driving and you can tell the listeners where and why. And I am at home with Maeve and baking banana bread on a rainy winter day.

Yeah, I'm en route to Toronto for the inaugural Pan Am Volleyball Showcase tournament. It's eight of the top university teams in North America battling it out over five days. I think there's 13 matches total. I'm really excited to go up and just see some of the up and coming talent in the, you know, in the Canadian competition as well as the top US Schools that are going to be there. UCLA there, Long Beach State, Ohio State. It's going to be a great event. So we're really excited to check out these athletes and kind of just see the level of these top teams. That's what I'm curious about. As you know, my last 17 years of playing was at the international level. I didn't even play in university. So to see where the best of the best at are in the university level is gonna be really exciting.

So that's where I'm, to me, it's very interesting because the university level, although the top talent from there in the US is likely going to go to the national team, those, those typically those programs or those schools do not gear towards developing an athlete to the national level. They gear towards winning in their, in their, you know, conference or their, their area in order to represent their school. So I know that in Canada for sure, the university system is not attempting to develop for the national system. And so it's curious to me because we've noticed that or you've noticed especially, and I learned this from you, is just how different a game it is at the university level versus the international level.

Yeah. And it's important, I think, to make the distinction what you're saying exactly there. So the coaches obviously are coaching players to get better in university, but they also have the pressure of maintaining a great win loss record so they can keep their job. So that means that some decisions that are made on behalf of or for the athlete may not best serve their long term interests in terms of their overall kind of career progressive arc. So there's that kind of feeling that the athlete. Read on this show have alluded to, that of just feeling like part of the machine a little bit. And so, yeah, it's to your point. You're bang on that it is, there is that element to it. So it's always good to see where this level is at.

This is something, a trip that I wanted to go on with you, but just because of our lives and our schedules, it just wasn't possible. So I'm excited to learn what you learn when you're there and see what happens for you. As you may be able to hear on this podcast, Paul is driving through some intensity, hence rain, and I'm in a nice quiet bedroom. So what we want to do now is reflect on this past decade, which if I had to sum it up, if I, I mean if I had to sum it up in, in one word, it would probably be tough. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that word should be. I really haven't thought of one word to sum up the decade.

But man, one word does not cover it. No, one word does not cover it.

Covered this past decade. Holy cow.

I think it should be more like. I would use two words. It'd be amusement park, because an amusement park has roller coasters. There's speed, there's excitement, there's energy, there's up and down. There's the house of horrors. Yeah. Which is terrifying and demoralizing. At every amusement park. You see meltdowns, people crying and falling apart. You see arguments with kids and parents. You see it all. So I'm gonna go with amusement park to sum up the last 10 years. But I think, you know, our listeners should know some of the things that have gone on for us. But I think it's important for everybody to know that we kicked off this decade by ticking five or six of the largest, most stressful life change things that you can do in the first six months that we were rolling into 2010, 2011. And so that really set the tone for what was to come for us. Do you want to maybe just quickly explain all of those major life changing events that we decided to roll into one year?

Yeah. So in a span of six months, we, we moved from Turkey. This was you and I and my oldest daughter Raina. We moved from Turkey back to Winnipeg and then we made three moves to move my house and the gym to London. So I had opened the gym before you and I were together and we so that entire physical space, we had to move all the equipment and it was just intense. And we had movers for one of the move, but you and I had done two of the other moves. So there were three whole moves to get the whole gym, plus the household, moved to the home in London and sell my house and have a baby. Wait, let's see the order here. We blended our family. That was in the spring and we moved all in the spring throughout the summer. We're getting set up.

We did the gym moves over the summer.

Yeah, over the summer, yep. And then we got married.

Oh, yeah, we got married.

We got married. So we had a wedding, we opened the gym, we had a baby, and we had done those international and cross country moves and blended the family and.

And, and, and important to note, I retired. So I ended a career.

Major, major transition.

And you, in essence, when you say you moved your gym. Yeah, we moved your gym. We moved the stuff. But all of your clients and your referral network and your reputation was left in Winnipeg.

Yeah.

So we also cut that dry, you know, relaunched.

Yeah. And at the same time, even though we're intelligent people, we know that all of these things are, you know, crazy stressors in life. We've heard that before. We've gone through stressful times before, so we knew that. But we were so excited about transitioning back to Canada and blending our family so all of our kids could be together and just starting our new life, that we were oblivious to some of what was going to hit us and what that stress was going to cause and how that turmoil and all that change.

What do you mean? Together with.

Oh, my gosh, what are you talking. Threw us into, I would say a solid five years to eight years of just trying to keep our noses above water while we're, you know, there were so many times that one of us or both of us were drowning in some form or another. Whether it was overworked or over tired or overstressed or depressed or like, if it wasn't. If it wasn't one of us, then the other one was having some massive things going on because we were dividing and conquering so much that we neglected our relationship. Something that we just thought would automatically always be there in this perfect form from the beginning, you know, so we were. And we were so overloaded that we, you know, we couldn't. We couldn't see the forest for the trees like it was. And there was no real end in sight because we're in this age of the four older kids who are all in competitive sport. We're in these ages where the demand is so high and the dependence is so extreme because of just the age that the kids were and then having a baby at the same time. It was. It was amazing. I mean, like, I. I don't know. Like, it's amazing that we made it through it. And I can't say that. I can't say we're not going to hit more because it's life. We're gonna hit more major road bumps. But, yeah, but it's life. So. Yeah, anyway, that. That's the. The thumbnail sketch of what we were faced with within the first six months. And then, and then it was survival because we were depending on. On me, on us opening my former business in from Winnipeg and opening that in London in a market that you and I hadn't. You hadn't been in for, you know, almost two decades and I hadn't ever lived and didn't know anyone. So it was this. This, you know, naive endeavor of, oh, well, I opened my business by myself before, so it's going to be amazing opening it with you and doing it together. It's just going to be so much better. But instead just not really taking the factors in of. Well, I don't have the medical community and the sport community that I was immersed in for. For almost, you know, over a decade in Winnipeg. So it just, it was. It was intense and insane. And, and, and amazing all at the same time. And this is the thing about, about the hard times is that when, when.

I look back, I, I know and feel.

Much more.

I feel so, You know, you have to grow. If you've made it through all that, you have to grow. And I thought I grew a lot before because I've been through a lot of crazy things in my life. Maybe that's for another podcast, but I thought I, you know, have weathered a lot of storms, but yeah, certainly made, made us grow. And I have a few takeaways, but I want to, I want to hear your take on those, on that transition.

Yeah, it's. It's amazing to think that that was 10 years ago just listing off all that stuff that was going on. And my biggest takeaway, you know, you throw all the cliches at it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And hindsight's 2020 and yada yada, but looking back on it, I see that that was just incredibly risky and almost. It was dangerous for our relationship and nearly, you know, set the table for a series of events that nearly cost us our relationship. And the. Of all those things that you list, all those crazy things that were going on by far, for me, the biggest event was the ending of my career and complete identity loss and the spiral that that had on my psyche and my self confidence and who I was that I think was the, from my perspective, the largest contributing factor to how the next six to seven years went. Because had I felt like I feel today or been able to be the person I was before that crazy time and again, looking back, I wish I knew then what I knew now, but had I been that person, things could have been a lot different. And so it's almost painful. It's painful to look back and think about how I didn't show up for us, how I didn't show up for myself, how I, how bad I feel for that guy who had nothing but volleyball that he attached any worth to. And, you know, and so, oh my gosh, Paul, in 2010, if you just realize that you're more than volleyball and if volleyball went away, it doesn't mean you're nothing. And it just. All the hardship that that problem I had caused is just. It's really. It's hard to think about. It's. It's amazing we made it through. And I know you are the reason we made it through. Your, you know, your commitment to us, your commitment to growth, your commitment to pushing me to. You knew who I could be you know who I am. And you. It pained you to see it and you never gave up on me and I did almost everything possible to make you give up on me, but you didn't. That's why we're here today. And that's why we're 10 years later. We are fired up to go after all kinds of things and get uncomfortable and do stressful things because we now know that we're the kind of people that can. Can thrive and do it together and grow together in it. So it. That. I don't even know if that's an answer. Oh, I'm.

I'm ready. I'm ready to tear up here. I don't remember what the was, so I'm just like, it's, it's so. It's hard to think about, but it's also like, it's, it's almost tears of happiness to hear you be able to look back on yourself with grace and kindness, because I haven't. It's. It's been, it's been rare or never that you've been able to forgive yourself or to look back on yourself and want to give your old self a hug kind of thing versus beat the crap out of your old self. And it just like, it's so like that means the most to me in the whole world because it's just, it's beautiful. Speaks to how far we've come and how far you've come. And the other factor there too, with the identity that you speak of is the, it's also the identity loss of a provider. Like you were always that guy, you wanted to, if you're out with your friends, you wanted to pay for the drinks or the dinner or if you, you, you know, with your family, you wanted to be the provider. And so like the change in identity and then us just trying to make ends meet barely and, and start a business and live off of less than 10 grand in the first year that we, that we came to London. Like it just all of that, like we didn't even factor that in from an identity standpoint too. And, and I just have to give you like the biggest. Oh yeah, kudos, High five hugs, pats on the back, whatever. For going into the tough areas to do the work it takes to heal from what you've gone through. I mean, the only way we could describe it is, is like almost a few years ago, it was like you were exhibiting symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. And I don't have a doubt in my mind that that's what people go through when they're in highly stressed scenarios and then, but then they feel guilty if it's not. If they haven't been through war or some major trauma or you know, the police force or whatever. Because then they're like, how can I have post traumatic stress when, when I didn't go through, you know. Right. Like, or whatever.

I'm not risking my life.

But the research shows now that like the brains, they'll do brain scans on people who have come through war or major trauma or post traumatic stress scenarios and the parts of their brain that are affected, they've taken stressed out career women trying to get pregnant in major cities and they show the same brain scans as those who have gone through major war and post traumatic stress syndrome. Like it's crazy what we do to ourselves with stress and it's just. So we exhibit the same symptoms because our brain doesn't know the difference because it's that stressed out and that's what we went through. And you know, we could describe all kinds of more details and, and crises and fights and all of the things which we don't need to go into. But I mean there's some hardcore takeaways. I think that if I had a couple of takeaways, the things I mentioned, the moving, the blending the family, the having the baby, the business, getting married, like all of that stuff, it was 10 times, 100 times harder than I ever thought it would be. The other, one of the other biggest takeaways is that the time.

I can't believe it's been 10 years. Like it seems insane. The time went by fast.

That cliche or that saying that the.

Days are long, the years are short.

Feels exactly bang on. Like it's crazy. The days are long.

Like every day has been jam packed. There's, we probably can't count on one hand the days that we slept in. Like, I can't think of a day in the last 10 years that we slept past 8:00am Like 8:00am, you know.

Like, no, it's usually like.

And sleeping past 7am would be. Seems crazy, but that's been what our life has been like because of tournaments and kids and work and all of the things, right? So. So the days are long, but the years are short feels so accurate. Another one that really, because in this time, it's been a decade, so now we have a child that's about to turn nine and we have, you know, kids that have gone from being lower school children, just little kids, to adults and teenagers and driving and going to university. We have two in university. So there's someone.

I heard someone say this and it.

Just really fell true for me in that I remember what I thought about our kids and who they were going to be. And they're not who we. It's that kids are not going to be who you want them to be. They're going to be who they are. So it doesn't matter what we want for our kids. It doesn't matter who we think they should be. It doesn't matter who we want them to be. They're going to be who they are and that's the way it's meant to be. And all we're here for is to guide them and go ahead.

And that's just. And that's the same with you and me and partners.

I keep reminding myself. I keep reminding myself that my job is to love you. My job is not to criticize you, control you, tell you what you should or shouldn't do any of those things. My job is to love you and be there for you. And my job is to take care of me so I can be the best I can be for you and everyone else.

And the same for the kids. It's the showing up as the best version of yourself for them, for your spouse, for your partner to be there and serve them. And with the kids, we are going to tell them what we think they should be doing in many regards. But like you're saying, as who they are.

Yeah, that's.

We need to. We need to honor who they are and support and nurture who they are so that they can figure out more of who they are and control that for themselves. Another takeaway is that when I look back on these 10 years, especially coming out of the Christmas time, we have.

Some amazing family, home, food, vacation types.

Of traditions that feel like home. Like, I know that if we get.

A good game of I guess the. We call it Dumbo or President, but.

It'S also called asshole.

The card game. If we get a good game, card game going like that with all the.

Kids, that could be. That could feel like home wherever we are, because we're all together and we're all playing that game or some of the. The Christmas goodies that we have, you.

Know, are Christmas, because they only come out at Christmas or some of. Just the way we, you know, do breakfast routines or meal routines or those types of things.

Like we don't. We were never the family to have somebody grab something from the fridge whenever they want because we couldn't run out of things. So we always sat down for a meal and had everybody, because food was tight at certain points and money was tight. So it was like, okay, we're all gonna have this fruit lunch or we're all going to have this for your packed lunch for school or whatever. But. But we created traditions is my point. And that those traditions, now that our family is getting to the point where it's going to be harder and harder to be together for. For Christmases or family vacations, at least we have some of those traditions that when we are together, it really feels like home and it really feels like family and connection. And, you know, there's still some things now that we're working to repair and heal from. Some of the times with the kids where we weren't who we wanted to be. And even we're open to creating new traditions around who we're growing into as a family. So those traditions are a big takeaway, too, for me.

Yeah.

Because we just. I mean, looking from the decade perspective, we were really a clean sheet, a fresh start in terms of all of those things, with my previous years bouncing around Europe and traveling and not. That's something that I craved during my career was having. Wanting to be able to unpack somewhere permanently and set up shop a little bit. And the way you're describing those traditions forming and becoming a part of all our holidays, and just they're comforting, they're. It's some normalcy that was really missing in my life that has been fantastic. And thank you again for driving a lot of it. The Christmas baking, for example, is something the entire family looks forward to. And just so the listeners know, Kari bakes about six different special recipes of Christmas treats. And then we have a kind of lottery thing where we determine the batting order of who gets to select, because a tray will be brought up at the end of a meal during the holidays with a mixture of all those treats. And then the picking order has been decided by this draw. And then it rotates every night. So the kids are just, you know, loving it. Who's up first and who's. Who's second and what's the order and who's going to get what and what's left on the tray as it goes around. It's just a little thing.

And even. Even our, you know, our little secret Santa lists and. And things like that, those are all fun. But.

But it's funny because that.

That was born.

That tradition was born out of.

And not just throwing all the. The treats out on the table for.

Everybody to have a free. Free for all.

Because we wanted to make sure it lasted. And knowing that, you know, one kid might eat all of the brownies or all of the Oreo truffles or all of the whatever, and then the other kid would be crying because they never got any of the Oreo truffles or, you know, and anyway, they all came out of certain.

Right, Right. Which is. Which is kind of born of this in the bigger picture. And it's probably funny to some of the listeners to think that I bake, because a lot of people don't know that about me, that I love to bake. And I sweet tooth and I have baking in the oven right now. And actually, I'm brainstorming for what types of amazing food fair we'll be creating for camp because that's another that'll come up on a future broadcast. But it's heavily in my space, so that one of the two last things here for takeaways is one of them is that it feels like full circle. Like, I feel at this point this kind of excitement for the next decade. Kind of like the excitement I felt before all the stress and chaos started at the beginning of this decade. That feeling of. And also full circle, because for you and I, like, we're rejuvenating our relationship like it hasn't been in a decade. And the connection and feeling like it could bring tears to my eyes right now just thinking about how much I'm seeing you as the person I fell in love with instead of feeling like I lost the person I fell in love. With. And that feels circle. So the feeling of our relationship and how we're reconnecting, the feeling of excitement for what's to come in the next decade, although I know we'll be hit with all kinds of challenges and tough things, but it feels full circle because of those familiar feelings that are coming back, that it's almost like you're back to the beginning of a decade with unintentional, like, we didn't try to create. Oh, let's. Let's make sure we feel like, you know, at the beginning of this new decade or at the end of this decade, it just. It's just, I don't know, serendipitous that it's that way at this point. So that is one of the takeaways as well for me. And then.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

I just want to say that I think you're banging on that then as well, with that feeling of history repeating because our family dynamic is changing again, just like it was drastically changing when we came back From Europe. It's shifting with the change of the kids getting out of the house. We got two in university, two more, another year of high school after this year, and then they'll be moving on to different things. And it's changing fast. And it's a completely different vibe already at times, nights where there's just you and I and Maeve versus a house.

The last thing I just want to finish off with before we go into the book of questions, unless you have more to add, is that that one of the biggest takeaways that I, I know right now based on the last three decades, not just this past decade, but that this next decade coming up, I know won't be remotely like what I'm planning. I know that there will be like, I'm planning some very specific things, and I want to see some very big visions come to fruition. And they've been on my radar for years over this past decade, very, very much longer. So I have certain visions that I want to see come to fruition. But I also know, and they may come to exactly what I'm picturing because, you know, I know how to make that happen. But at the same time, I know that whatever I think is going to happen in this next decade, I, I, I'm not going to be able to remotely predict because so much, you know what I mean?

If you think of the last two.

Decades, there's so many things that when you look back and you go, had I told my earlier self that, blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank, that I would have lived in Turkey, gotten married to you, had a blended family with five kids. Like, all these things, I would have thought I would have told that person they were crazy, Crazy. Like they were completely off the wall that they didn't know what they were talking about. Like, there are certain things that are just, you know, you never, never could predict. And I know that that's going to be facing us in the next decade. And at this point, I'm, I'm almost opening my arms to, okay, you know, let's see what this is really going to look like. Let's see what we can create. Let's see what curve balls come and whether it's a worthy opponent to who we've become. You know, I just, I know this next decade is going to be amazing, and I know it's going to have some tough times. And I also know that it's not, we can't predict what it's going to entail.

Yeah, I think you're bang on that's life. Life is going to do its thing.

And.

I just want that bring it on attitude and feel more confident in the tools that we've been working on in our toolbox to deal with those different things as they come up and not be so living life as though it's happening to us and feel like it's happening for us. We've said that before, that we want to in each moment have that ability to be in a great state and recognize the good in things. And that's going to make this decade a lot easier to handle than the last one. And I guess I, I just want to kind of add my final point and real, a real from the heart recommendation for the listeners to look back over the last decade and look at the decisions you made and you want to slap your head at some of them and cry over others and whatnot, but just have the we'll use that word grace or that love for yourself then to know that you were doing the best you could at that time, that with the tools you had, the information you had had and what you thought was going to happen, you were trying to do the best you could and to give yourself that space and not look back on anything that's happened other than something you can learn from, you've grown from and that you're better because of. And it may be hard to find that thing in it that you can think that nugget is why, why am I possibly better because of that decision. But it's always there and you got to dig a bit. And if you take anything away from me from the last decade, please do that for yourself. Give yourself a bit of love.

Exactly. There's always, even if it's not your own decision, even if it's a circumstance or a death or a horrible thing, there's always something. There's always something good that comes from it. It sounds crazy, but there's always something good that comes from it. Okay, honey, pick a number. We're gonna do a question.

No, there's a 113.

I'm looking at 113 on the dashboard. So I might be over the limit.

Okay, so 113 it is.

No, no, no, I might be over the speed limit.

I. Oh, this is an awesome question. I love it. If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do? One month trip anywhere. This is a great question for the listeners. Like just dream a little. It's the end of a decade of what? Wow oh, cool.

I can't believe how fast I had an answer pop in my head. I, I just had an answer like pop in my head. Easy. So weird. I would want to go to the south of Argentina and the kind of tip of the continent down the month.

And okay, hang on.

In the mountains and nature and hike.

You cut out for a second. You want to go to the tip of. The last thing I heard was wine.

Well, just explore. Yeah, explore that, that end of the world of South America and be at the bottom of the world. Hike, disconnect and think and yeah, just there's incredible wine down there and jaw dropping beauty. And I've never been there, so I would want to do that, just almost go off the grid and get, truly get away to somewhere where I'm like outdoors and it's rugged and extreme and it's, you know, there's no shopping malls and there's no crap and there's good people and food and just.

That is awesome. I love it.

Popped in my head. There's my answer.

I hope that sparks the listeners to use that question to dream a little, to look back, but look forward in a way that allows you to dream a little. If you had one month away and you could go anywhere, money was not an object, what would you do? That's so awesome. I love it. Patagonia. Okay, so I guess I, I guess I need to have that on my radar. All right, so that's, that's the end of our decades reflection for 2019. And we hope that you can do a little reflecting on your decade and be able to look back and, and see the beauty. See the beauty in the decade. Yep. Yeah.

And celebrate it. Got a New Year's Eve coming up. Celebrate those amazing events of the decade, the highs and the lows and what they've taught you and just embrace it all. Embrace those around you and let's get.

Love it. Love it, love it, love it. Okay. Drive safely, my love, and all the best to everyone out there. Happy New Year to everyone out there and we will be with you next week.