EP82 Kari and Paul - Proximity

This is episode 82 of the Empowered Athlete Podcast.

I don't know about you, but we've.

Been losing our minds in this pandemic. Not only that, we've been through a move and it was winter. We just want to get out and feel better in spring, but we can't get together with anyone and we can't do all the things we planned. In fact, we had planned amazing retreat in the Muskoka area called the Empowered Reset and it's cancelled.

We can't do it.

But we are adaptable. So we've pivoted and we are going to launch a 30 day online retreat still called the Empowered Reset to help you achievers find their energy and drive and vitality through invigorating workouts, amazing health habits and transformational coaching. This is happening. May 19th is when it starts. It goes for 30 days. And you will benefit greatly by being with us and doing this all together. We'll find ways to be together, find ways to find our energy and get coached in a way that can have you performing your best despite the circumstances of 2020. We want you with us in the Empowered Reset. Find out how, find more information. Infopowerconditioning.com info powerconditioning.com we can't wait for it. We can't wait for you to be with us. Welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast, created to support athletes in their pursuit of excellence and inspire others toward their best lives. Hosted by Kari Schneider, coach to top.

Performers in sport and life, and Paul.

Durden, former national and professional volleyball player.

Greetings one and all. Welcome back to the Empowered Podcast. Coming to you live from a new location. Kari and I have moved. We are officially into the new house and we are testing out new rooms for sound quality. So Kari gets our bedroom, of course, she's ruling the roost there and I have been demoted to our youngest daughter's bedroom to try it in here. Hope you're all doing well.

You know, I like the closet.

I would take the closet any day.

Well, we'll. We'll try out some different rooms and see how it sounds. But yeah, thank you. An exciting time.

Thank you. Thank you for the bedroom and glad that you've got Maeve's room anyway. It's a nice room.

It is. And given the state of the universe, we are going to be talking about being close together today, about proximity and what COVID 19 has forced upon all of us. Being at home, working from home, raising kids from home, which we normally do, but not the teaching of school part.

Yeah, we don't homeschool normally.

No. So.

And we're not used to working together every day, all day long in the same house.

And there's been some good and there's.

Been some bad, which I imagine a lot of people are going through because not everybody has a. You know, thankfully we've got amazing healthcare workers that are going to a job most days, but not everybody's in that boat. There's a lot of people who are either working from home or unfortunately we can have some options to work from home. I'm kind of, I've lost some of my work because of being. Not being able to be with my clients, but I still have some of my work because I can do some coaching via Zoom. But you have your full time work from home, so you're nine to five hours like you ordinarily would.

Right. Which is great. We're lucky because there are so many people out there who are now out of work, working less than part time and struggling. And that's something that we, we will complain about the current conditions for working, but please know that we're grateful for what we have. Extremely happy to be. Have something to complain about. So.

Exactly.

Very important to point that out.

So in this, we've noticed some things like you all probably have some key differences in how we relate and I think some of those differences were hard for us to differentiate between. Is this because of our move or is this because of the pandemic? And we've in the last month because the last time we had our podcast like this, we were in our other house and we were getting ready to move. We were getting ready to take possession of this house and now we've spent a month moving things and losing possession of the other house and getting settled in here. And it's been a big, crazy busy time. So some of the stress I think has been from moving and other parts from the pandemic and having to be together all the time. And what we, I've noticed we've had, we've had our meltdowns, let's put it that way. We've had our.

There's been more than one.

Yes, there's been more than one meltdown and not just. And more than one person. There's been, I think the person who's melted down the least is our nine year old.

Yeah, she's rocked it. She had a mini meltdown when we were told her we were moving.

Yeah. A couple. A couple. A few bouts of tears over that. But then once she, we got her space set up first and then she was just all over it.

Loved it.

But for us, it.

Yeah, it.

There's a lot of changes, and I.

Think that.

Number one, there's not the ability to. For me to get my own alone time, and that's very hard on me. And you. What do you think? Do you need a loan?

Yeah, I think. I think for the listeners, it'd be maybe good for you to share what that alone time is, because it. I think a recurring theme that we're going to talk about today is kind of structure of our day routine, habit, and how the last month and a half has thrown a massive wrench into all of that and in different ways. So, yeah, I'm going to absolutely agree with you that it's alone time. And a certain kind of alone time is missing from my routine and has an effect as well. But do you want to explain what yours is and how it normally benefits you?

My alone time is often my workout. We work out together, but there's certain parts of my workout that are alone. I also have alone time when I work, when I work creatively and I make. I'm creating programs, I'm creating content, I'm creating the next thing that we're doing, which happens to be a retreat. So I'm in creative mode. And unless I'm uninterrupted in that creative mode, I can't find flow. I can't get into the work mode. I can't get what I'd like to get done. And that's part of my alone time is getting what I'd like to get done. And even. Yeah, I'd say that's the most important alone time for me. I don't need to have a bath. I don't need to.

Well, hang on, though. Hang on. Explain the typical noon hour for you.

Because I think, oh, that's true.

You're not giving that enough value.

So that's true. My noon hour, I would eat lunch, which typically you've made.

Kids are at school, I'm at work. Right, you're alone.

I would have either come back from the gym, so I. I would relish that time because I'm naturally an introvert, although I call myself a situational extrovert. So if I'm coaching, if I'm in a social scenario, I am extroverted in those scenarios, but it's very draining for me and I need to recharge on an alone standpoint. So if I was coaching all morning in the gym or. Or for even just one session in the gym, then it's very important for me. Or if I've been on coaching calls or interacting with people, then my time at lunchtime becomes alone time. And I will eat my lunch. I'll often do something that's educational, so I might be reading or doing an online course. And then I will do some Spanish, so I'm trying to learn Spanish, so I'll do my Spanish. And then I will do a meditation that's usually between 10 and 20 minutes long. And that's my lunch hour. And it recharges me so that I feel like I can crush the second half of my day. And Paul knows, you know, that if I go for, say, we've been on a vacation or we've been on, you know, it's summer or a weekend, and I've gone two, three, four, five days without that routine, I start to get a little bit edgy. I start to get a little bit. It's tough for me to keep being around people all the time. I need to recharge, I need to go for a walk in nature, I need to be alone, I need to walk the dogs alone, I need to step away alone. And that's what I need. And so that. That's been completely removed. If I'm doing my lunchtime routine, I end up inviting Maeve to do some Spanish with me. And she typically doesn't want to meditate with me, so she might leave me then. But then I might feel guilty because she might need some help with schoolwork, or I might not have seen her as much in the morning because she was doing her gymnastics program and her school program. So then I feel guilty that I haven't been able to engage with her. And she's looking heavily for both of us to engage because it's her social interaction that she wouldn't get. She would normally get, but she's not getting because she doesn't have her friend group and her classroom group.

Right.

So that's the scenario for me in that noon hour routine. What about you?

Yeah, I feel that I'm. From a work standpoint, my routine is pretty good. I'm blocking in 20 minutes here or there throughout the day to get a little bit of time with Maeve to make sure I can look at the work she's doing or just have her help me with something around the house for 20 minutes to give her a break and have an interaction and things like that. But generally, from a work standpoint, it's pretty good. But what is really throwing me is.

The.

Change, the move. So every morning I pop out of bed, get the dog's leashes on, walk them first thing. But being in the new house, where the leash is. Oh, the shoes are at the other door, there's no routine and system in place yet, so I'm thrown and not uncomfortable. But there's that. I don't know what the word is for it, but it's. There isn't the comfort of the routine, so there's. I'll use discomfort for now, until I think of a more appropriate word, but it's that you don't have a layer. Right. And then making breakfast. I was literally telling Kari the other night how I remember the first breakfast I made in the new house. Took me 10 minutes longer, 15 minutes longer than normal. Because I'm just searching for things or forgetting where they go. And there's new drawers and new shelves and where's the frying pan? And just looking like an idiot, trying to make something that happens like clockwork, that I don't even need to think. And I can use that time to be thinking about something else or.

Yeah.

So I. There's this continual move, distraction that's. And for me, this is the interesting thing. You're. You're. You get, like you said, edgy or a little bugged if you're not getting that alone time. And what we've discovered, and, you know, it's led to a few blowouts for us, is that for me, I actually like seeing this bunch of things that needs to be done and just burying my head in that and just going through task after task, hanging a picture, moving something, moving something to storage, knowing just that there's all these things to be done. I can just keep chipping away at that pile. And so actually happens to me, that's a negative, but I don't feel it at first, is that I really disconnect from everyone and get lost in my own thoughts of what's next on the tax list, what's next? What can I do? And then I'm not actually engaging with you or with the kids or having conversations. And back to your lunchtime example where you're normally alone. Now you've got me with you, but I'm not there. I'm not present. I'm eating my food. I'm thinking about work, and I'm thinking about the next thing I'm going to do the second that work's done around the house or the move and not sharing anything with you. And you feel more and more disconnected from me in a time that normally you're Alone and recharging and it's almost draining from you for you, because you're putting up this energy to try to engage and there's nothing coming back. So I think that's been the biggest thing we've discovered about what's there for me. And that's a negative. And I don't realize that it's insidious, that it kind of just boils up and I'll be feeling frustrated because you're gonna be finally almost yelling at me or need to slap me in the face and say, hey, Paul, I'm here, let's talk. What's going on? And I'm in that, you know, task mode and then when that happens, I get upset because I'm thinking, have you not seen all the tasks I've just done?

Yeah.

And for you, you know, it's, I don't care. I want my husband back. I want to talk to you. I want to know what's going on, what you think and plan something. So that's when it really comes to a head for me and I bewildered as to why you're upset.

Yeah.

And it's because I've actually just been vacant for a week crushing tasks, which is great, but really great for a relationship.

Yeah, exactly. And it is. The word vacant is so, so descriptive of what it looks like because you are, if you look at your face, you're so checked out. It's not. You have no idea what's going on for the rest of us. And there's that point where I was losing my mind because I've got this massive amount of decision fatigue because of all those things that you don't know where they are. I've made all these choices not only to filter every piece of thing, every piece of stuff that we have in a three story house, to get rid of two thirds of it and store some and designate others and then move and decide where it's going to live and then teach you where it's going to live or teach Maeve where it's going to live and then be frustrated when nobody can remember where that thing is. And, and I'm just decision fatigue, exhaustion. And I desperately need that recharge time or it helps to have that feeling of we're a team and we're doing this together and we've been crushing it. We've been doing so well and in the beginning we're just like, yeah, high fives. We got this. You're moving things like crazy. I'm sorting and packing and, you know, our workload is to the moon. We're just crushing it. And then, and then once we get over here, you ordinarily do certain things and I ordinarily do certain things. And I'm realizing that, well, wait a second. For the first two, three weeks, month almost, I'm doing these extra things because I can't, I can't handle the amount of clutter that's everywhere because we haven't fully unpacked yet. So minimally, I'm trying to keep up on the laundry, keep up on the cleaning, keep up on the little things because that at least makes me feel like, okay, even though we're not fully unpacked, at least it's not totally disgusting because that's what it's coming down to. Because suddenly things are even dirtier because all of us are home all the time. There's not these breaks in the day where people are gone for extended periods of time where we're in and out. Plus there's tons of in and out because we're moving stuff in and out. So things are just getting dirtier faster. Plus this is a newly renovated home, so there's tons of construction dust and drywall dust and all of those things. So I'm double duty cleaning and wondering why, why won't you do the things you normally do? And it's because you're still focused on those other tasks that you're not even into a system. And the thing that, the thing that saves us so many times is a system. And if there's one system that we hung onto, it's the system of working out. And we kept working out even though you got injured throughout the move and it was very hard to do. But we still stuck to being able to work out in some fashion or another almost every day and stuck to that system. And if that hadn't been a system and already pre created, pre programmed, I don't think we. I think we would have fallen off the rails even more and felt physically worse because we already feel like we've been hit by trucks because there's so much exhaustion going on. But then on top of it, we've lost the system of the morning routine. We've lost the system for our couples as a couple for date night. We've lost the system for when we cuddle. We didn't have a couch to cuddle on. We lost the system for our weekend entertainment. Maybe we might have our date and go for dinner, or maybe we would stay home and watch a movie, but be able to be on the couch and we lost that because we were moving or it's Covid and we can't. So we lost so many of our systems. It started we were resenting the other person recognize them. We were so frustrated. Like, I had it by the other day.

I was just.

I couldn't. I think on Friday, I couldn't get my work done because I couldn't in the space that was designated. I felt like you took over because you didn't expect to be working home. Plus, it was full of boxes everywhere. Plus Maeve is going around with her different activities. So I decide I'm going to work from the kitchen island. But when I'm working from the kitchen island, for her, it's like I'm accessible. So she's coming visiting me all the time. And then I can't get any. And I can't get anything done. And the only reason it had me fully melt down is because I was already on thin ice because of losing other systems, not getting any recovery time. And same for you at other points. I remember at one point a couple weeks ago, I could see you were getting spread thin. You're getting frustrated with some of the tasks. Even though you feel good when you have the tasks, you were starting to get short. You're starting to not know what was coming next and just getting a little. And I was like, you know, maybe you need to go for a drive or you need to. And it was just like a ticking time bomb. And eventually you blew. It was just like away you went. But it's in reflection. Even though we've had our meltdowns in reflection, it's huge to see that during this pandemic. Well, now we've done the move, there's still a lot of things that have to be done and construction that's going to happen and all of those things. But if we're going to continue to coexist in the same space, which is smaller than our previous home, so there's more overlap, then what are our systems? How do we make it work? And getting back to our systems that we ordinarily do are really, really important so that we can stay to our best and be our best selves. And I think that, you know, for those of you who are working from home together or stuck at home, there's a few. There's a few things I would suggest. And as for tips for being your best and staying within a system that has you feeling amazing instead of losing the systems or. Or even creating a new system that has you feeling amazing, what would be your Couple of tips that.

That'S a great question and I think you're bang on that we recognize those things that got dropped because of moving the morning routine and things not being in the normal places and they're little things, but they're really for me, I won't speak for you, but they're the most important things to make sure that I'm working on myself a little bit each day to be in the right mindset, the right step state. And as soon as I dropped those and put more priority on whatever it was, and it was typically the tasks, things started to fall off and the mental muscles got weaker and the practices were non existent and then our relationship starts to suffer and then I start to suffer mentally. So it's being aware for all of us, you know, listeners, you, me, anyone out there, that the things that you were doing that help you on a daily basis, those good parts of your routine, are you able to maintain them right now? And if you're not, what can you get in there that will make up for it? And just having awareness of maybe it's not there or it is there and that alone, that awareness and recognition of something that's different in your routine will allow you to deal better with how you're feeling. And so for me, to answer your question, the things I, you know, I'm back on the wagon with our in the morning during my priming and breathing exercise, some writing down, some gratitude and some IM statements and goals for the day. The workout that you mentioned is something that we just are going to keep fighting to make happen. We're now in a weird space in the basement with a really low ceiling and you know, we'll get outside, we'll do what we can, but just starting the day with those things are going to be really key for me. And those were things that got dropped and it's, it's amazing to feel the difference, to just bring them back and have a little bit of mental clarity and a focus on the right things to start the day and not which is the next shelf that needs to be built because who cares?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think.

And that, and that priming too in.

The morning, just so people understand what our priming is we're, we're sitting on before we even step out of the bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed, pumping the arms into the air to add a little more blood flow and oxygen and doing some breath work with that and doing a little journaling with that and it makes a huge difference for rolling out of bed.

Dragging your feet or your butt versus.

Feeling like, okay, I've got pep in my step, and I've consciously put my.

Brain on what will serve me.

And even. Even some positive I am statements, any of those things. And that's that morning priming. And that's one of the things that I've been missing because I didn't have the journal I would normally use because it was all packed up, and I didn't have. There's all kinds of reasons I didn't have. I couldn't pump my arms because I.

Had.

Tweaked my bedside table.

Yeah, we didn't have bedside tables. There are so many reasons why we didn't do it for a bit. But that one little system, so easy to do, so easy not to do, that one little system that we lost, it really started to negatively impact us.

And here's the thing. If, knowing what I know now, today, had I known that letting that slide would have equated to the issues that we had in the last few weeks, I would have put something next to our bed. I don't care what it is. It could be a suitcase as a table, and there'd be a journal there.

And we would have fought harder for.

It, you know, because you just said, right. You just said, you know, that we couldn't do it, but that's a crock. We absolutely could have. We just both put priorities in our areas, and we thought, okay, that'll be fine, because, yeah, I'm not gonna do it for the next week or two. I've got the move. I've got my reasons. And those reasons are both.

We just didn't because it became less convenient. And if one person didn't, if one person didn't, it became easier for the other person not to do it.

Well.

So understanding the impact that you have if you're in a relationship at home during COVID understanding the impact that you have on the other person, that if you're not doing something, positively likely, it's getting harder for them to keep doing it as well. And that's where, on the flip side, you got back to priming sooner than I did. And with exercises, with. With working out, I kept up where you couldn't because of the injury and then got back to it. So it helps the other person to know that the other one's still going.

Or the other one is.

Voicing that.

They want to get back to that routine.

And so for everyone who's struggling with something, it's going to be something. Maybe it was that your habit to make lunch was because you, to prepare your food that's healthy was because you packed it for work, and that was your habit. So now that maybe you're home, you don't prepare a healthy. And so though, and then all of.

A sudden you find that your eating.

Has gone out the window. And that might be one of the things that you go, okay, even though I'm not packing a lunch, I'm still going to act as though I am order to. Because that was my trigger to make myself healthy food. And same thing for, you know, for us, we lost our dates. And the, it's, it's that when we no longer had childcare, the trigger for our, the trigger for us to go on a date was that Maeve would be either with her siblings or Maeve would be at her grandparents. And then we had this opportunity to be away alone. Well, that.

And we're allowed to be alone, right?

That positive trigger.

I've given myself that excuse of, oh, well, restaurants aren't open, movie theaters aren't.

Open, or whatever it is.

Well, the date can't happen.

And so suddenly we lose the trigger that causes. Or this anchor habit that causes. You know how you, you know how there's one habit that causes the next habit that causes the next habit. It happens in sequence, like a stage step of stairs. You brush your teeth at night. While you brush your teeth, you are getting your pajamas out, and while you get your pajamas out and then maybe you get your workout clothes out for the next day. So one habit trickles into the next. And that's what I'm noticing so much is that when one part of our system or our sequence of events is lost, it affects other habits that would ordinarily happen. And that's where I would encourage or the tips I would have would be if you have timing. So, for instance, I'm going to get.

Back in order to be able to.

Work better, I'm going to get back into being in a certain space at a certain time so that I can get the work I need to get done and maybe communicating with Maeve that it's my work time, I can't be interrupted right now. And having my workspace, one thing that was huge for me, just not having the workspace that I anticipated that threw me for a huge loop. And that was one system that I had in place with the old house. And then it was gone and I don't know where to go or how to work in the new space. And you feel lost, so you lose the system and that's where a lot of people are, where they're trying to work from home. And they'd have certain cues or certain triggers at work that they don't have at home. And maybe their spouse is there so they feel like they can talk at any given time, and it interrupts the.

Workflow or whatever it is.

And that's where I see for you. You have this incredible boundary set up.

And the boundary, the biggest boundary, is.

That you have headphones, you have a headset on, and that headset blocks out the other things around you. And the headset also shows us that you are either about to be in a meeting or you're listening to something important or so that it creates this boundary. And it's like you've gone off to work and no one's going to talk to you, and you're in your. In your bubble.

And I feel like I need to.

Either put headsets in or find a room. And I don't want to work in the bedroom. I don't want the bedroom to become workspace. And now I feel so much better because I've unpacked the boxes that were up in the office and now can work in that space. And I think for other people who are stuck at home, it might be physically defining that space, that as soon as you walk into it, it's work mode. As soon as you walk out of it, it's. You're done from work, or that space of the boundary of headphones or saying goodbye to the spouse during the day, even though you're both staying home and coming back again.

So you're actually excited.

Yeah, I've done it.

Jokingly excited to see each other because.

You actually feel like you're checking back in at lunch and that you see each other again and. But it then you're not having that game of being just sick of each other because you're around each other every. Every bloody second.

Oh, never get sick of you.

Thank you. I. Likewise. Ditto. Did it take too long to say that? Okay.

No.

So, any other tips from you?

Again, I would just reiterate the same thing I said throughout this chat, is to take stock right now of what you usually do, what you need, sharing it with your partner, communicating those needs and carving out the time to make sure they happen and putting a priority on them. And that just gets you in a better state, gives you more tools to deal with all the uncertainty right now that we're dealing with in so many different ways and so much change in our work life and home life and relationships with our kids. So that would be it. Just, you know, I think that's, that's the big thing to one other thing.

That I think made a huge difference for us, being able to stay productive, especially with so much to do is the, is staying on similar or same wake up and bed schedule. And I know that I've seen some of my clients and athletes and some of our kids find that they're staying up later and sleeping in longer because they don't have to go to a workplace or they don't have to go to a school. And I've seen that really throw people off and I think that that would be a tip as well, is to stay on as close to a time schedule. Physiologically that will help your body, it will help your energy, it will help you mentally as well to know what's coming up, but also just your own circadian rhythms. So that would be a tip as well, just to make sure that you are staying on as close to a time schedule as you would as you would ordinarily be in scenarios that you function best and you feel your best mentally and physically.

Cool. Well, listen, I think it's a good point to nearly wrap up here. I do have the book of questions, but before we go to that, I just want to encourage all the listeners out there to please hit us up with your thoughts and comments on this episode. Let us know what's working for you and what isn't working for you. What are the struggles, what are the challenges? And hopefully we can touch on them. Kari, with a mindset. Monday or next month we get together to chat again, what are the tips? But we would love to hear what is going on out there for you.

And lastly, we have a retreat that's coming up and this is going we were going to be in Muskoka. It's a month long package. We were going to be diving into all sorts of reset habits going into the first two weeks and then heading to Muskoka for three nights and really diving deeper and then the second two weeks finishing up the empowered reset. But we obviously can't do that. So we are pivoting and adapting to our pandemic. And we are running the empowered reset for 30 days starting the Tuesday right after May long weekend. So May 19th and it will run for 30 days until June 17th. So if that's something that you want to really reset your energy, reset your life, we will be running an incredibly life changing reset that we will run online and it'll be an incredible energy revitalizing experience.

It'll have you just banging on all cylinders coming out of this stay. As you know, they hopefully start to lift restrictions and we get back to more normal life. You're going to come out of it.

Flying and feeling good instead of feeling like you've been hibernating or hiding out.

All right, Kari, to wrap up, I need a number from you from the book of questions. Why 54. Oh, interesting. What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering? Being locked at home with your husband for weeks on end. No. Anything causing even minor physical injury should.

Not be considered the worst psychological, psychological.

Torture you can imagine suffering without the slightest part of it being physical injury.

I know I was locked in the.

Room with the dogs when they want to be out or fed. Worse psychological torture. I think the worst psychological torture would be it has to do with being helpless. So if someone that I really cared about was being harmed and I couldn't help them or they were suffering and I couldn't, it's like I have a very, very hard time with. For instance, if an animal is suffering and you. They don't. No one can explain to them why they're suffering if they. If they've been. I've seen one of my animals got hit by a car as a child and I witnessed it and it was. And the dog died in front of me. It was horrible. And so something like that, or my child, one of my kids was quarantined as a two year old. And so she was locked behind glass doors, but couldn't understand why she couldn't get out. She could see everybody else moving around outside. And so those things are painful for me, watching someone else suffer when. Especially when there's that helpless feeling of really wanting to help them and you can't. So I guess if someone else was being tortured that you love or anything along those lines would be very, very challenging for me. I think that would be psychological torture.

Well, it just speaks to what a caring person you are, that you always want to help others. And so the opposite of that would be the hardest thing on you mentally. And we hope that you, the listeners, that no one's out there suffering. And again, we do want to hear from you if you are having challenges and things like that, because clearly you can tell Kari cares about that and you. And we love all you out there.

It's a tough time.

There's so much uncertainty.

And we really hope that we can help in any way, whether it's this podcast or if there's questions that we can address. And yeah, do everything you can to stay well and draw strength from whoever you can. It's such a digitally interconnected world we live in now, so really be aware of who you're spending your online time with, and if there are people that can help you, then spend your time with them. If that's what you need. Awesome. Awesome.

We love you everyone.

Thank you everyone for listening. Have a fantastic morning, afternoon, evening, night, whatever it is. Whenever you're listening to this, please share the podcast with everyone you know. Help us grow and we will talk to you all.

Training Keep loving each other. Stay well and be your best. It.