Kari and Paul - Life (or S#^t) Happens

This is episode 105 of the Empowered Athlete Podcast.

Welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast, created to support athletes in their pursuit of excellence and inspire others toward their best lives. Hosted by Kari Schneider, coach to top performers in sport and life, and Paul Durden, former national and professional volleyball player.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Empowered Athlete Podcast. It's been a while and just to set the scene for you, it is dark, really dark. It's windy. It's super windy out. Gusting up to 50 today. 30 kilometer hour winds all day long. It's snowing right now. Time change and the clock went back yesterday. That's why it's so dark out. We are waiting for our daughter to finish soccer and yeah, there's been so much going on since we last really connected with you. We celebrated a hundred episodes with you and prior to that we were going through sweet free September. But we have, yeah, just a lot of updates and a lot of insights into what's been going on that hopefully you can learn from or get some understanding from. And let's just get right to it. Where do we need to start?

It's kind of crazy because we're discussing our topic and there's so many topics we could go into on the beginning of a month at the end of 2020. I mean there's so much we could dive into. The things that are going on in the world, the sports scene, the. All of that. But our personal lives have been so full that we were just simply recapping that, you know, September, like Paul said, sweet free September. We started our, our second reset. So it was partially online and we also had a three day, four day, three night getaway that was in September. The other thing was we had our 10 year anniversary. 10 year anniversary in October. 10th, 10th, 10, kind of big 10, 10, 10 and 10 years. 10 years. Yeah.

Yes.

And then we had Thanksgiving. We.

And we also lost our best little friend, Cherokee right before our 10 year anniversary. Our husky, our Siberian.

Yeah.

Had been battling a growth in her stomach and for months losing weight. Loses weight and had finally stopped. For this dog who has run thousands of kilometers with us and is just dying to be outside, to not want to get up or even walk was really a signal that her time with us was up. And it was horrible. But it was the best move for Cherokee. We had to have her put down. And we love Cherokee. And that happened right before we were leaving for our anniversary and all these things.

No, leaving for. Right before we were leaving for the reset.

Sorry. Yeah. Not for the anniversary. Yeah. And so that was a roller coaster day for sure. For emotions.

Yeah. And all like we ran a reset that had an in person component. So we had to do so many different things that we weren't anticipating because of COVID So between separating people, between taking precautionary measures ahead of time, even people getting tested, and all of these things that we weren't anticipating. And then right before we were actually about to leave, our dog was just. Just not doing well. Like she just took a real turn for the worst the few days leading into it. So it was such a huge emotional roller coaster because we were so excited for. It was our second reset. But the first reset that was in person for three days and then our dog was dying and it was like we're on these highs and lows that were so extreme and. Yeah. And then I don't know if people know, but our reset is this profound experience that's typically three weeks to a month long. And it's all about the physical training, the mindset training, the spiritual connection. And they're all so deep that we're expanded every single time. So the highs and the lows over the last few months have been pretty intense. It's been. And that's part of the reason why I think we feel a little bit. Little brain dead and we start another reset tomorrow. So it's. It's incredible. It's amazing. And we. We just bought my dad's camp last. A week and a half ago. So.

Something you've wanted to do your entire life?

Yeah, well, we. Yeah, since I was. Yeah, I. I've wanted to do this for over 20 years that I've wanted to start doing some things with it, help kind of rehab the camp, renovate the camp and. But it just it. The time and we actually actively tried to do things with it over the last decade, but it just wasn't working. And so we finally just worked on purchasing it and that has taken the better part of this year to. To make that happen. So it's. Yeah, there's so much going on.

So share for the listeners a little bit. The. And let me just preface this that your dad has lived on his own and done things his way his entire life. He's up north of Dryden, Ontario, so pull that up on Google Earth and check out where that is. But he is way up north, really isolated and your relationship has been unique over the years and the challenges that you maybe just share a little bit of the self coaching that you had to do to get through this. The eight proposals that we went through the last minute changes some of the accusations. How did you, how did you just tell us how you managed yourself throughout this process? That was stressful, exciting, sad, frustrating, all those things all at once.

Yeah, I want to, if I share this, I want it to be valuable for people in some way or another. And I know it can be because everybody's hit with something that just makes them want to melt down or go off or do whatever. Maybe it's something with a partner, like a intimate partner. Maybe it's a, a work relationship, maybe it's a teammate, maybe it's getting cut. Like there's things that happen in your life that you just feel like, you know, that's the end of the world. And the self coaching, I'm also in a year long coaching course right now as well and to help elevate my coaching. And so part of it is that we have to self coach and we have to get coached by other coaches. And there's just a lot of work with it because I want to grow. And so I went into this, this trip to buy camp after we've already gone through at least, I don't know, seven months of working on proposals. And then I think my dad pulled the deal on us three times, like three for sure, saying it's done, it's, no, we're not doing this. And then it just came down to, well, maybe we just need to walk away from this because this is so emotionally challenging. It's such a roller coaster. You know, we were, it was harder and harder to stay steady with it. And then, and then I, we finally, we got the lawyers involved, we've got the, you know, we have a deal all worked out, it's all good. And he pulls it again or he changes it so significantly and in a way that finally I say no, like, we're not doing it like this. That was the first time we stood up for what we wanted instead of doing all the things he wanted. And then it was okay and he went with it. And so finally we thought we'd be signing off on it in July. We were there to do that in July and nope, wasn't going to happen then. And so we went back, I went back just in, in October to sign off on it then and get all the things done and, and then it was making accusations that I was supposed to pay for his lawyer and all these things. And I was like, what?

How did you.

I, I just, I felt so how.

Did you separate it so that you could protect your relationship with your dad. Regardless of the outcome of the purchase, though.

Yeah, well.

What was the.

It was self coach.

Yeah.

Okay.

So that was the crux of it, is that you got to a place where you were able.

Yeah.

To say, yeah, maybe we just step away.

Okay. For. For the listener's sake here. My husband is really putting me on the spot. And so the cool thing about this is that. Is that it opens the door for me to put him on the spot for future podcasts. But the hard part about it is that it's just. It's very tough stuff because it brings up. I was a kid who was, you know, sent away a lot, bounced around a lot, and grew up with, you know, I lived with my dad for a period of time in high school and university, but before that I was with my aunt and uncle. Before that, I was with my mom. I was very much felt like a kid who wasn't wanted and wasn't important. So when it came down to my dad accusing me of, you know, not paying for his lawyer, and I was, you know, this was blindsiding me. I was like, I never said I would pay for your lawyer. Why would we drag everything out if I'm paying for your lawyer? Like, we wrote everything down, you know, so it was getting heated, and when things get heated like that, you can imagine you feel the tension in your chest and you feel the pit in your stomach, and you feel all the things. And I was like, oh, my goodness. And I'm. You know, I had to go into the bathroom, and at this point, I'm in tears because I was like, no, you know, I came here knowing I can handle anything. I came here knowing I can get through anything. It was not good. It was one of those things that my default would be normally not to cry. My default would be normally not to process that. My default would be to get very angry, and my default would have been to leave. Now, I don't know how many of you are listening to this and going, oh, yeah, like. Like, I would have been angry, too, or after all that. And, you know, we traveled so far and worked on this for so many months and all this stuff, but the reason that it was so important that I just kind of removed myself, went to the bathroom, and was allowing some feeling there is. Because if I went to my default of anger and yelling and leaving in that situation, then it wouldn't have accomplished anything for me or for him. And so I stayed in there for a moment and just thought about it. And I thought. I thought one thing over and over. Again. And that one thing was, I love him and he loves me. I love him and he loves me. I love him and he loves me. And I just repeated it in my head and I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not gonna step into all the things that I know just make things worse, which is anger, yelling, leaving and compromising the relationship. I would have left there and not knowing when I would see him again because we live so far away for all, and he's an older man. For all I know, I may not ever see him again. And that would have been horrible to leave in that kind of state with that kind of anger. And so I came out of the bathroom later and I, I went to him and I, I set my boundaries and my boundaries and you know, anybody, we'll go through a boundaries topic at some point or another, but if anyone set boundaries before, it's when you're not tolerating adverse treatment of yourself. And I went out and I said, I said, look, you're not going to treat me this way right now. And I said, I love you and you love me. And I said, and business is never more important than our relationship. And I gave him a kiss on the cheek and I walked out and I went to go do some business over at camp and when I came back, he was still a bit cold, but then he warmed up and then it was like it never happened. And that may be just his way and his generation and of dealing with that. He's not a very touchy feely person.

If you will, but that outcome would be impossible.

Oh my gosh.

Had you escalated it in any way, had you indulged in oh, we would have fought being right about.

We had, we have a fantastic history of being able to fight fireworks. It would have been, yeah, it would have been fireworks of some solid yelling and some, you know, all those things. So anyway, I wasn't planning on sharing.

That, but I just felt, you know, for people to hear that this process is through, to have a little insight of what you dealt with. And that's one instance. There were numerous instances throughout this process where you could have gone off. Where I would have gone off if I was on the phone or conversations.

I went off a couple times. But I've learned since.

But in ways. Yeah. So I think it's really valuable for people to know that, to just hear that model that you provided of awareness and thoughts and the action to remove yourself is something that I need to learn. It's. Oh, but you know, it's the feeling that No, I have to be right. I have to have this person hear my point. They have to understand how I feel. That that overbearing thought process that doesn't allow me, in most instances, to understand or have empathy for how you're feeling, and then to say something that absolutely escalates the situation or adds fuel to the fire and isn't productive, that doesn't move the conversation forward and just does damage to our relationship.

Yeah, And I totally agree with that. And I want to be clear that I'm far from perfect. And it's taken a long time of really practicing and working on things, especially with situations like, you know, I'm most easily triggered with you and most easily triggered with my dad because they're very. You know, we're all very headstrong people, and the relationships are very close, so it can be very challenging. But, you know, there was a point where one of the times that he pulled the deal and we had lawyers involved, I was so. And this. I had to look back on it to figure out why I was so triggered because I had been doing so much work and things were so good with being able to handle a lot of things. And when he pulled the deal on that one, I went off, like, I had to hang up the phone because I was gonna, you know, yell obscenities at my father and I. And my daughter was somewhere, you know, like, I sent her out of the house because I was. I was, like, losing my mind. And I looked back on it. I had to reflect on it and process it and go, okay. Like, I really didn't like that. I totally lost it. But one of the things that was one of the triggers was not only did he not keep his word at the time, but it was also that. It was also that I felt so embarrassed. I felt so embarrassed because, you know, just working with a lawyer and other people were helping me who were friends, and I felt like I just wasted people's time, wasted money, wasted energy, and I was just embarrassed on that front. I felt like it was such a waste of time on my end of things. And here's the thing. This is the thing that just. We forget. We forget that it's all part of the process. It's supposed to not. It's rarely ever gonna go the way we think it's gonna go. It doesn't matter whether you're buying a house or you're going for a new job or you're trying to write a book or you're making a team or.

You'Re trying to make playoffs, something comes up. There's always an obstacle, there's a challenge.

And the thing is, is that if we can't manage what's going on, and when I say that it's within ourselves, if we can't manage what's going on because we certainly can't make everything go the way we want it to, but if we can't manage what's in ourselves, then we certainly are not going to help the scenario when we're going off or we're in a pity party or we're freaking out on someone else. None of those things are going to help matters. And yet we feel so justified in doing it because we were angry or because we were embarrassed or because someone did something to us or because it didn't go our way. So we feel so justified in behaving a certain way. And it's so childish. It's things that we never got taught. And now when the whole world is not going our way because this is happening to everybody in the world, it's really hard. There's so much that people are dealing with right now and that's why the alcohol consumption is up and that's why so many other things that we're doing a whole coaching call soon on buffering behavior. But this is why people are having such a hard time dealing with what's going on. And I mean, one of the things we love to do is work out. One of the things I'm really proud of through all of this. Oh, here's. Here's a topic. One of the things I'm really proud of through all of this is that, like, Paul knows how consistent I am with training. Like, I, I do it when I'm traveling. I do it in the airport. I do it like, I just do not miss that kind of thing.

Automatic.

It's become something that for me is just autopilot. And it's just gotten harder and harder and harder because we're not. We don't have our gym space ready yet. And it's because of so many circumstances that have happened with COVID and things taking longer and it just makes it harder and harder to work out because now the weather is bad, so we can't work out outside. But I'm so proud that we've continued to do it even though we can't do the workouts we necessarily would like to do. But it's helped so much for just our overall mental health and physical health on the day to day.

Yeah.

You know, despite. I mean, you've got some serious Aches and pains going on in your back because of doing some of the construction work and you know, all these, all these times of sitting and the rest of your work and then overhead reaching and all the stuff and all that.

But the consistency is awesome. It is something to be proud of through this and I'm so lucky to have you to be able to create programs that you can do in a basement or with, you know, our 30 pound weights.

Yeah.

We've been literally almost years now just using those in the base and we both did something heavy.

So now we don't even have our TRX because we forgot it at the reset.

So that's been a positive. The thing I want to share that is kind of a warning for everyone. Is that where I've slipped? Yeah, the training has been good, but where I've slipped is on doing things for myself and doing things for our relationship and thinking, getting into this kind of busyness Covid rut of we've got the purchase of camp going in the background all the time. We're running resets in the background in the foreground and all the time. So there's all of that, there's my job, there's building our home gym in the garage. There's all the landscaping that goes with it. There's, you know, all the kids schedules and school being weird. There's a million things that you are all dealing with as well and that are in your face as well. And I've been going into my classic mode of just head down, keep grinding through all this stuff. What's the next task? And doing nothing to fill my cup and nothing to fill our relationship cup. And we mentioned that we had a 10 year anniversary and it was absolutely fantastic. Kari had a surprise weekend teed up. We went to where we got married in Ellora, Ontario. It was beautiful, the weather was amazing. We jumped out of windows of a church and rappelled forwards and backwards and all the things that people do on an anniversary weekend, I think, and we were both feeling incredible.

He jumps out of windows on their anniversary weekend and yet within a week we're fighting.

We're fighting because I can't take a piece of feedback or criticism because I have no, nothing in my cup, nothing in the tank that is allowing me to feel good about myself and about our relationship because I haven't been carving out time for us and I'm sure for all of you, there's somewhere in your life that this is happening. So we just mentioned that we're killing it on the Work outside. Well, that's easy for us, that's autopilot. But for me, I'm not killing it on dates with Kari or for doing things for myself. And so that causes problems, that causes flare ups. I'm more easily triggered. And for you it could be something else. Maybe it's showing up in your work life that working from home is not doing it for you. And you have to think, what can I do? What can I change to make sure I'm in the right headspace, to make sure I'm in the right state to deal with these variations that we have to deal with right now and take charge? And that's one of the big things that we're loving about doing. The resets is the daily practice. So when the resets are on, I am getting in state. I am thinking about relationship goals and personal goals and getting in that mind space. But as soon as I fall out of it and follow those habits and don't flex that muscle, that mental muscle of that routine, the atrophy starts and things start to fall apart again. Just like when you stop working out or you stop stretching, you lose that flexibility, you lose that strength. And so that's something that's really come up for me in the last two months where we feel like all these great things are happening. So much is going on and yet the most important thing, my well being and my relationship with Kari is, yeah, I'll get to that when I get to. I got these other things to take care of first. And that's absolutely the wrong way to be thinking about it. So kind of a word of warning there. That's what's been going on for me in these last few months. I think with all this stuff totally.

And I think too that it's this kind of thing where Paul and I have the tendency to want to just dive in so hard and go so hard that then there almost becomes this edge that if the other person asks much more of us, you know, like say if I ask much more of him or he asks much more of me, we just don't have it left in the tank to give. So then we're grumpy or snappy or whatever and it falls on our own lap like it's our own fault because we haven't bothered to schedule the time for, you know, personally filling the cup of if I need a meditation or I need to get a massage to make sure my back's not going to be a whole hot mess, or if, you know, he's looking to have a Conversation about something, but I don't even want to hear anything because I'm so spoiled. Because I've put it all out to my workday or my coaching, my clients or whatever it is. And to me, I think part of that ends up being the timing. Because we both realize that we have to put something into the relationship. But then he might not be in a state that he's willing or ready to be able to be someone who can contribute to the relationship. And I might not be in that timing at the time that he's, you know, he's, he's finally ready to settle down for the evening and he wants to spend some time with me. And I'm empty. I'm just like, I need to read, not talk, be numb and go to sleep. Like, don't talk to me. Don't try to get affection from me like, or let alone anything else because I'm just like, spent. So it's, it's the timing too, where we're just not, we're not full enough on our own personal cups, which seems insane because we've been home more, I traveled less, he's traveled less. There's all these trips that we're supposed to go on for work that didn't happen. So we haven't. But it shows. That's the perfect evidence to show that the tendency is there. It's us. It's not the travel, it's not the work, it's not that it's us. It's what we as an individuals in a, in a relationship tend to do. We just tend to get all consumed with the things that we're working on. And then the relationship gets put on the back burner or the self care gets put on the back burner. And this is true for all of us in some form or another. For, for one person, it might be their food prep. For the next person, it might be their relationship. For the next person, it might be their side project that they were working on, like writing a book or whatever it is. And we all have our thing that we put on the back burner and we don't realize how problematic it can become until there's an argument or a blow up or somebody's feeling neglected, or we just look at the relationship and go, what the heck? We haven't had a date in four weeks. We haven't had a date since our anniversary. And I'm saying that because that's what I do, that's what I say. It's like, Paul. And then I act as though I Act as though it's all on him to book that date. And I act as though that I have this little voice in my head that says, oh, well, you put all this energy into making this amazing getaway for. For the. For the anniversary. And now, like, now he kind of needs to book a date. You know, it's like. It's like some sort of tally, right? Like a scorekeeping sheet. And. And that's what my brain taught.

You did score a lot of points for that weekend.

Thank you. Thank you. But it's like, that's what we tend to naturally do. But becoming aware of that does a huge thing for. For our relationship. Because when I become aware of that, oh, wait a second. I'm falling into that mode where instead of contributing to how can we have a date or how can we get some time together, even if it's some lunchtime or, you know, something like that, instead of doing that, I sit back and wait for him to do it, which does not help the situation, especially when he's got a lot on his plate too. So. But the. But I was just saying this to Maeve the other day, that. What's the number one thing in a relationship? What's the number one thing that's most important in a relationship? It doesn't have to be a husband and wife, but it can be a friend. It can be whatever. And I think the most common answer is communication. Communication, Right. Awesome. Communication. Most people would say communication, but in what I'm learning about the mind, about neuroplasticity, about mindset and coaching and all these things is not communication. Because when we are in communication, especially.

You and I, we communicate a ton.

Right?

Especially there's a million things going on. But does that give us a great relationship? No.

No. And it doesn't take. It just really takes one person and it doesn't have. Because most of the time when we're communicating, we're busy thinking about what we want to relay and we're busy thinking about what we want to say next. Even while you're talking, you know, and especially when you've got headstrong people like both of us are, or be somewhat righteous and that kind of thing. No, it's the thing. The thing is self awareness. The thing is understanding yourself well enough and hearing your own thoughts and understanding what is going to help because then.

You can communicate properly. That's where the community.

Thanks, honey.

It's a close second.

It is. Yeah. Because really? Because. Because then you realize that. Well, I'm saying this for my own Benefit. I'm saying this, I'm saying this just to be heard. I'm saying this to point out that he's wrong. I'm saying this that I'm saying this because I'm feeling hurt. I'm saying this because I want attention. I'm saying. And when you have that awareness, then you go.

It's the catalyst to great communication. It's the.

Power to understanding whether you're really listening or curious about what you. What the other person is saying, do they feel understood, understanding. And this goes back to the, the cups being empty. If my cup is empty on my own self care. If your cup is empty on your own self care, there's no way that you can show up in that self aware state to be able to hear what's really going on for the other person. And that's the thing that when I gave that story about my dad that you know, one of the things I realized when I got through and just kept repeating, you know, I know underneath all this he loves me and I know underneath all this I love him. So what's needed in this situation, what was needed is just some steadiness, some confirmation of the relationship, some firming and foundation of the relationship and some direction. Where is this gonna go? Am I going to take it down the rabbit hole of some insane argument or am I gonna bring it back up and bring it to some sanity here and take, take it to something that can bond and build trust. Because when people have conflict, if they can get through it together, they have a greater trust in each other. If they don't get through it and it goes down the funnel of hell, then it creates devastation for any sort of trust. It creates damage to the relationship. You go backwards totally. And you and I have been down that road. Like I remember in arguments we've had in the past. It's like you, you'll save.

Yeah. Spoiler alert. We don't have a perfect relationship. We seem to or appear to be giving advice. We used to, we've been separated, we argue, we, but we're working on it and we're just trying to convey to you things that when we're in our best states, the things that make things work and trying to have awareness of the things that, that don't.

And honestly like your. This is called the Empowered Athlete podcast. We've both come from careers of full on athletes, athlete work. So you as a professional athlete, a national team athlete, me working with tons of different athletes and national level athletes and I believe that there's an Athlete in everyone. And at the same time, I also have seen that athletes are some of the people that have the hardest time in relationships. Now, maybe I'm wrong in that maybe it's just everybody in relationships, but I often find that it's especially for national level or professional level athletes that there's this rug that gets pulled out from under them after the career ends. And then the person who's left with them when that's done done is like it's not as shiny and new as it was when there was all that athlete stuff going on for either party. And then you really understand, okay, can you get through this together and can you be who you need to be for a relationship to thrive? And notice that I didn't say be who you need to be for the other person. Be who you need to be for the relationship to thrive. And that's a different thing because I know that we're not trying to be who the other person needs anymore. We're trying to be who we need to be for ourselves to be the best version so that we can show up as a solid, amazing partner in the relationship. And that's a very different outlook than when we started. So, yeah, I think this, we're not perfect in this. And I think this speaks to any couple. I think this speaks to anyone in a boyfriend, girlfriend relationship. I think this speaks to any athlete especially as well. And especially with what we're going through with COVID It's pretty intense right now. So I think people as couples are dealing with a whole lot more. And, and for the things that we've bitten off in our life, we're always going to be dealing with lots of different things. And that's by design. You know, we've designed a life that we're being intentional about. What next steps are we taking? Why are we doing this? Who do we want to serve? What does it look like? And so we're going to be dealing with uncomfortable things almost all the time. And that puts that little bit of challenge that is very, very uncomfortable.

Yeah, it just puts a huge importance on managing ourselves.

Yeah.

Through those things.

To be our best.

So there you have it. There's a whack ton going on on this end. And we know that you have a whack ton going on on your end. And we hope that what we shared tonight helps you get just that little bit of self awareness or maybe has you open the door to look at something in your life that might need just a little tweak or a brush up or an area that you're just letting slide a bit so that you can be your best self, so that you can perform better tomorrow, that you can bring more joy, more happiness to the people around you, be a better parent, be a better athlete, be a better coach, player, what have you. So we normally finish with a question from the Book of Questions, but we're in the van waiting for soccer practice to end and we don't have the book here, so we're off the hook for this month.

Yeah, I love the little Book of Questions. It's fun.

But we'll bring it back next month for you. In the meantime though, we are really excited to have some great guests already recorded in the hopper for you and a couple interviews coming up that we're getting done this month to bring to you in coming months. So stay tuned for more great shows, great interviews as always, please share this podcast with anyone you know who wants to perform better, live better and just have more fun. Share the fun with them of the podcast and we would love to have your feedback@info powerconditioning.com let us know what you want to hear us talk about who you want us to interview, let us know how you're doing and if.

You haven't heard the podcast with Melissa Humana Parades. Is that how you say it?

Yeah.

She's a freaking amazing athlete and such a bright light that you have to take a look at what she's got going on. She's got a channel on YouTube as well, so she's amazing if you missed that episode. She is a beach volleyball phenom, so check her out. And then also if you want coaching, we have an incredible coaching group called the Empowered Team and we're going through amazing topics to really help you up level your life. Coming up in the month of November, so the Empowered Team is available to you. Our reset for November is closed. You cannot get into the reset for November, but we will have another reset coming up. Paul's like, when is it? We're, we're deciding our dates. It's going to be probably around the end of January, beginning of February for our next online reset. It's a very, very powerful experience. All four weeks of all the training, all the mindset, all the connection work to really step into your next level. And that's what we are all about, is helping people step into their next level. It might be physically, it might be in their career, whatever it is, but our clients, our athletes, the people going through the reset are really seeing profound differences in a game changer. Huge so that's what's coming up in November. And then we will chat with you more as December rolls around. And in the meantime, we hope that you are safe. We hope you're well. Stay connected. And if there's any way we can support you in what you're doing, please let us.