Mindset Monday - Struggle Bond vs. Growth Bond

This is episode 161 of the Empowered Team podcast.

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Welcome to the Empowered Team podcast where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider.

Welcome to Monday. Welcome to Mindset Monday. This is one of those Mondays that's super cloudy and a little drab, a little draggy, and there's still lots going on in the world. So what do we do? What do we do, especially when we're feeling stuck? Today we're going to talk about the struggle bond versus the growth bond. And you may recognize this for yourself, that you've been in this in some form or another currently or in the past, and you're probably going to find it somewhere in your life in the future because it's how we operate as humans. So I want to give you some little questions, some tools that can get you through this, this struggle bond where we're bonded to other people. So what is the struggle bond? So I coined this from learning a little more about trauma bonding. And I dove into understanding a bit more about trauma bonds because I grew up in some toxic environments and abusive relationships. And in those, I recognize how I wanted to stay in those types of relationships or scenarios because it felt really familiar to me from my past. And that's kind of what trauma bonding is. It's when someone's in a really maybe awful scenario, but they're not quite leaving because they have an attachment to either the situation because it's familiar, or maybe even the person who's toxic or not. Great. So that's a real short synopsis of what trauma bond is. A struggle bond is something that I wanted to bridge the gap between something that was traumatic and all the way up to growth. And what I found in the middle, especially of learning and growing, is struggle. Those of us who are growing are typically going through some sort of struggle. We need to to struggle in order to deep learn. We need to struggle in order to overcome something and struggle, even though it seems like an awful thing, can be a really good thing in how we get to our next level because we need that obstacle or struggle in order to grow. So this struggle bond, though, can be something that can be really detrimental and hold us back when we're bonding with others over our struggle struggle. And staying stuck. So this is where, you know, how often do we. How often do we bond with somebody else over common complaints, challenges and setbacks? Especially, you know, we've got a lot going on with COVID So what I've coined with a struggle bond is, is that it is the connection between one or more people over common complaints. It's this deep, deep understanding of what it is like when others outside your situation can't quite understand. They don't get it. It's tough. Whatever the struggle is, whatever people are going through, it's tough and others don't get it. So we keep connecting with the people or person who does get it, who has been through a similar type of scenario. We are wired to connect with other people who really understand us, who are more like us. So even if it's a toxic scenario, an abusive scenario, or one that's holding you in the same place that you don't want to be in, we still tend to stay there if we're bonded to another person over it. This ends up being even hormonal. The stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol have us more primed for fighting or flighting or freezing, staying right where we are, or even fawning. So having more pleasing behavior to a person we're in a struggle bond with. So those are some of the things that come up and why we tend to hold in that holding pattern. So when we feel really stuck, it may simply be because we're around a lot of other people who we're very bonded to in a similar scenario. And this is going on more and more with COVID However how we approach it and what our perspective is on it really dictates whether we're going to feel stuck for a really long time and stay in the same spot, or whether we're going to progress and grow through in some form, some capacity or another. So what does this look like, some other scenarios it could be in besides Covid? We all know what that looks like. And some. Some form, this could be new mothers. So there's a lot of bonding over the trauma, the. The challenges, all the things that come with a new baby, the joys as well. But I'm talking about the complaints. A tough work client in the workplace, a ex spouse. How often are we bonding with someone else over that common complaint over the tough work client, over the ex spouse spouse over the injury in sport. And we bond with someone else. So this scenario became. I became very present to when I was working in a chronic pain clinic over 20 years ago. I Don't want to date myself too much, but that's the fact. Twenty years ago, working in a chronic pain clinic and I was helping to rehab people with chronic pain. Now in this clinic, everybody in there was in there anywhere between a half day, four hours or a full eight hour day because they were trying to get back to normal life. And this was the last stop on the insurance coverage for them to actually get integrated back into work life. Now, the thing about this was that there were so many people in there who are very committed to being in chronic pain. So even when I might rehab them through something that they'd never been able to do before, and it was going really well, it wasn't causing more pain, it wasn't a problem, they were very resistant to embrace the new behavior because they were so identified with being where they were. And in the chronic pain clinic, there were a lot of other people that they were seeing in that same environment. And when they got together on a break, on a snack time, a lunch break, then it was a lot of bonding over the pain. Despite having professionals, doctors, physios, rehab specialists, occupational therapists and psychologists, all in one roof, all working for them to get forward to the next level, even though they were still very bonded with other humans, but also to their own identity of being in chronic pain. Another scenario that I've seen a few times with clients and for myself is being in Facebook group groups that are a support group for a specific scenario. So I've seen this with chronic injury scenarios for myself, but also going into groups for my clients, so I could understand also what they were going through. And in those scenarios, same kind of thing, a lot of complaining, a lot of struggle, a lot of things going on and people need to vent, they need to get that out there. However, if the next step isn't being taken in trying to get through or trying to make a difference or trying to do an action that would go in the direction they want to go, that is the red flag to show that they're being bonded or being stuck into that struggle state instead of moving forward into the growth state. Remember, the struggle is key in order to have growth and in order to have deep learning. However, when we stick stay in that struggle, that's when we get the feeling of really being stuck. One scenario that I have, I want to share this with you to go into the growth, because the growth bond. Here's the next scenario. This is where we want to typically grow to and get unstuck the growth bond. In this scenario, you are with others who are struggling. Maybe it's in a team environment, a boot camp. People. People are working really hard. You're working through a major work project. People are really struggling. But both of you, or all of you, are really committed to the next stage. You're really committed to getting through whatever the struggle is. This is even more powerful than a struggle bond because, yes, you still have some of the stress hormones. Yes, you still have the cortisol, the adrenaline, but you also have the growth. The growth is freaking amazing. So it's even more powerful than a struggle bond because not only do you have the growth, you've gone through what the challenging thing is, but you also have the ability to help others who are at the struggle stage that you were. That is part of what it means to be human. We want to help others, we want to give back. And so when we've gone through the struggle, we've grown and we've learned and we've got deep learning, but then we can help somebody else that is so powerful. And it will trump that growth bond, will trump a struggle bond every single time. The challenge is, how do we get there? And this is where I want to give you a couple of tools, a couple of questions to workshop your way through it. Literally write it down. Write the question questions down with a piece of paper and answer them. Find the answers within yourself in order to get through. This is the kind of scenario that if you're feeling stuck or you're in a situation where you're bonded with someone over struggle and you have been growing through, but they haven't. So I'll even give you an example for myself in that I've made my own programs for many, many years, and I make programs for many other people. But typically I'm training by myself. And I was in a work situation where somebody who was working for me, another coach, was working for me. We decided we were going to do a major training event together. And so I made the program for me and for him and for a couple other people. And a couple of us were working out really hard together. But I was used to working out by myself. So all those internal dialogues of complaining in my head were starting to come out of my mouth with my training partner. Now, my training partner had an interesting response because he was so committed to what we were going through. And his response was this. It's so tough, but it's so worth it. So on those moments that I was complaining, it's so tough, I might have said, oh, this is so hard. I can't Stand the burn. I can't stand the, you know, I can't breathe. Whatever it was, whatever I was complaining, he was saying, it's so worth it. And that is what I want to bring you into with these questions for you to ask yourself so you can find the worth it part. You can find the other side from the struggle. This is question number one. What area am I committed to growing? Typically, when we're in a struggle, what's going to have us at least look to the other side, at least look to getting through it is going to be understanding where you want to go. If you get clear on where you want to go, that will help you work through the struggle. So, number one, what area am I committed to growing? Number two, how can I grow through what I'm being challenged by? This is often where we don't want to look for the answers. We don't want to find out how we can make a change because the change ends up being within ourselves. Usually instead, we're looking for something outside of us to change. So the question, how can I grow through what I'm being challenged by? That is the key. It's me growing through it. Number three, where is acceptance warranted in circumstances I cannot change? This is where we really embrace the fact that we might be struggling, we might be feeling stuck, we might be staying in the same exact space because of something that we can't control. And if that's the case, then we need to completely, completely accept what's going on or let go of trying to change something we simply cannot. So that's number three. Where is acceptance warranted in circumstances I cannot change? Number four, who can I help going? Who can I connect with through growth? So who else is struggling just like I am, but wants to grow through it just. Just like I do? Who can I connect with? Because that's what creates the growth bond. That's what gets beyond the struggle, bonds and connects you with humans who are going through the same thing but want to grow and are willing to do what it takes to grow through. That's a big deal. Number five, who can I help? Who is struggling with what I have overcome? That. That right there is the crux of what feels so fulfilling to be connected with other humans, is being able to help them with what you have overcome in the work project, in the training, in the struggle with real life that we're all going through. So to recap these, so you can go through these and just answer the questions. The answers are within you. What area am I committed to growing? Number two how can I grow through what I'm being challenged by? Number three where is acceptance warranted in circumstances that I cannot change? Number four who can I connect with through growth versus struggle? Number five who can I help? Who is struggling with what I have overcome? Those are your questions to guide your brain in a direction for you to get what you really want versus the feeling of staying stuck. I hope this lands for you. Play with it. See what's there. See what you can create with this. And have a beautiful Monday to step into the rest of your week. So much love to you. Take care. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team runs year round. It is our group coaching and accountability program where we take mindset and physical performance concepts and break them down to usable action steps that optimize results. To learn more about our Empowered Leadership Coaching for business, our custom online physical training plans, and of course, the Empowered Team Group coaching, head to www.theempowered.ca empowered learn more. That's www.theempowered.ca. empowered learn more more.