Mindset Monday - The Power of Honesty

This is episode 254 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport, and life. And now, your host, executive coach, and life strategist, Kari Schneider.

Welcome. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, and it is Mindset Monday. We've got a great topic for you today called the power of honesty. What I know. So why. Why choose honesty? You can't handle the truth. No, we crave the truth. As humans, we crave the truth. This is what we want because we want the genuine, deep connection with other people. It's the foundation of deep connection with other people. When we really know them, we really understand them. So today, we're going to go through the three biggest benefits of transparent communication called honesty. But first, I'll tell you a couple stories so that we can put this into context. I do remember that becoming a new parent years ago, when, 23 years ago, when I first became a parent, that I started to realize that I was becoming a liar. And when my daughter was very, very young, I would be sharing things with her that were not nearly as transparent as I would ordinarily share with another human. And then there were all the holidays and all the surprises and birthday parties and questions about the world. And I found myself really putting more cushions and buffers around what I was delivering to my daughter. And this was my beginning of a realization of how I delivered things and how honest I was. And realizing that I really liked to be honest with other people, and I really liked to share things from a transparent space. And I also realized that I also liked to hide certain things from people. And that's where we get into the realm of white lies. So the question becomes, how honest are you really with the people that you love? How honest are you really with the people that you interact with professionally? How honest are you when they ask you a question that makes you uncomfortable? And in telling them what the real truth is, do you get really honest? There's a quote that says honesty is the best policy, especially when you add a little humor to soften the blow. So is it that you're not necessarily adding humor, but just deleting things in order to soften the blow? Is that what we're doing? Because I know that I've done that, and I've really evaluated that more closely lately so that I can understand, what is it that I really want to deliver? How do I really want to show up? What's the outcome for the relationship if I'm showing up very Honestly. But maybe it's a little too harsh or a little too blunt, or am I withholding information that really does a disservice to our relationship or the outcome that they're asking for the information that they're asking for. So there's another fun quote that my honesty is just a polite way of saying that I'm terrible at lying. And that is true, I think, for me. So years ago I was in, I was in Canada, but being moved to the United States in order to go to a private school. And this private school had a lot of people who had a lot of money. And when I went, I, I was being subsidized in order to go to the school and when. So that meant that the clothing that I had versus the clothing that other people had was very, very different. And I didn't really realize it at first because I just showed up in my Sears catalog clothing that I thought was great because I got new clothes. And I was lucky to get new clothes because what I ordinarily had was hand me downs. And, and what was worse about the hand me downs was that they were hand me downs from my friends who were in my same grade. They weren't hand me downs from an older sibling. They weren't hand me downs from someone that was a distant cousin. They were hand me downs from my close friends that I knew. However, I was so much smaller than everybody else that I would get the clothes that everyone else grew out of. So it was a little bit embarrassing when people would be identifying their clothes and they were my classmates. However, when I went away to private school, I got some new clothes and I was really excited to have new clothes. Except what I didn't realize is that clothes from the Sears catalog in Canada were very different from the styles that some very well off classmates were wearing. Things like Benetton and Guess at the Time and brands that I can't even remember or, or know what they were because I didn't have them. And what I realized in looking back on this is that not a single one of the friends that I met and grew close with ever said anything about my clothes. But I'll tell you what I did get. I did get the look, I did get the snub, I did get the cold shoulder around conversations around style or conversations around clothes or conversations around what people were wearing. And that's what I picked up on. I picked up on the body language, I picked up on the tone, I picked up on the eyes, the facial expressions. And no one ever actually said to me. You know, it'd be really great if you could get one pair of these jeans because this is what everyone's wearing, or this style looks so much better on you. No one said anything to me, and it wasn't necessarily out of kindness. And the reason that I knew that was because of those looks or the snubs or the turn of the body or the eye rolls, things like that. That's how I figured out that what I was wearing was not to the standard of what everyone else was wearing. So it's kind of a crummy way to figure that out. And it's pretty normal for people of that age group. So it's not something that I'm necessarily concerned about. However, it's a great example for us to realize that in that case, gentle honesty, a delivery of that honesty would have been so helpful for me to navigate a situation that I really was unaware of. I didn't understand style. I wasn't aware of the rank and societal pressure that comes with. With clothing and with style. All right, so that's one element of honesty, and I share that one. So that we can all recall a time when we might have wanted honesty and we didn't get it. And when we didn't get it, it cost us. It cost us a connection with the other person. It cost us an understanding of the situation that someone had intel to, but we didn't. So it costs us when we're not on the receiving end of honesty that's delivered in a way that is full of care and kindness and integrity. So story number two, this story has to do with life as it is now. And in my life now, when it comes to business, we have performance reviews. So I've done performance reviews with employees for years. I've had employees. I've had assistants since 2003. So 20 years, I've had some level of an assistant that I would have to do a performance review with. And I've had employees for 18 years that I've personally paid to do a specific job. And I can recall dreading doing performance reviews, simply having anxiety over having the conversation about their work, about their goals, their objectives, their KPIs or key performance indicators, all of the things that we needed to review to ensure that the job was getting done. And I couldn't stand it. Some of those performance reviews turned into me asking them how I could perform better, which is exactly the opposite of what the intention of that performance review was. But I was so uncomfortable with delivering the information and feedback for their performance on their performance that I would then have them give me feedback on how I could be better for them, which is insane because they were there because I was paying them to be there, and they were there because I was paying them to do a job. So in these performance reviews, I had such a hard time giving that honest feedback that I was completely avoiding it. And now because I've done the work and grown, it's so much easier and it feels so much better. And it's not about, you know, having a great feel good experience, but I can tell you it's so much better when it feels like a feel good experience. So in this performance review that I've done recently with an employee, we went through 10 different standards and looked at different metrics and explored some of the reasons why things were happening and other things weren't. And we also even brought it down to a numerical rating on each of the categories. And in doing this, it was a fantastic way to open up the communication and peel back where there were areas that we both could work on and why they weren't working. Now, if we'd let this go longer and not ever looked at them, we simply wouldn't understand what is happening in their work day or their work time. And we wouldn't understand what was missing from what was needed in the business and needed in each party's performance and also the communication. However, we finally got to the part where I did ask for feedback, but this time it was after we spent the almost full time of the meeting on their performance, on their me giving them feedback, me asking them how they thought they were doing, us discussing what the best practices could be in the future. That's what we spent the majority of the call on. And then ultimately I asked, how can I perform better in my role? What can I do to help you perform better? And they responded. They wanted some more clarification, they wanted more clarity and instruction. And we discussed how we could do this. How would you like me to deliver more clarity? What would it, what would work best for you and what would work best for me? And it felt so good to have that honesty, to have that information from that person so that I could then perform my best. And they felt so good at the end of the performance review, even though they were apprehensive going into it, because they have more clarity on what is going to enable them to perform their best. Because ultimately we all want to be able to do our best. We all want to be able to make progress and we all want the connection that comes from working with Other humans, however, we're denying ourselves that when we're not being honest with each other about what's not working. And we find that really challenging sometimes. But here are the reasons why it's so, so critical. First of all, when we're not being honest, there are major drawbacks. We hinder the trust between the parties because we can feel when something's missing. It can be the subtle facial expression and then we understand that something's a little off. We may not know what it is, but it does hinder trust. And, and when we're not sharing what's really there, it's holding back that connection. It also prevents growth. When we don't know what we're failing at, what we're not doing, great at, what someone else is experiencing from our actions, then we have no idea how we can actually change or improve or grow. It also breaks down communication because when people are not being fully transparent, they're filling the spaces with things that are avoiding the uncomfortable truth, that are dodging, that are simply withholding. And when that happens, it creates communication that isn't free flowing. It doesn't go back and forth in a way that's actually constructive and beneficial for both parties. It also damages the relationships when that communication is breaking down or there's big gaps in the communication and the fact that somebody isn't transparent, if the party finds that out down the road that, that something's been withheld, then it breaks down what they perceived the relationship to be because it's no longer that once they find out the truth. And it also prevents problem solving. So when we're not being honest with ourselves or with other people, we don't allow ourselves the ability to go into the areas that are problematic and actually solve and find solutions. So why, why do we want to be honest? These are the three biggest, biggest reasons, these benefits of transparent communication, and number one is what I said in the very beginning, is that people want the truth, they crave the truth. It's what we desire. Deep down. It forms the foundation of genuine connections. People want that, they want that truth between parties. So know that no matter how hard the thing is you want to deliver, that person ultimately wants to know it instead of you carrying it around and not letting them know what you're carrying around. Number two, when we share the truth to someone else, especially when they've requested it, we're staying in integrity, we're staying in integrity with them, and we're keeping the integrity for ourselves. We are honoring what we know to be true and are able to relay it on to the other person that they want to know. So we keep our own integrity instead of becoming out of integrity when we're withholding information and this information can be valuable, but we're simply withholding it because we're uncomfortable. And number three, when we share a truth with someone else, honest feedback, an opinion, something that they've asked us for. When we share that truth, we are demonstrating to them that we have confidence in their ability to to receive that truth and their ability to utilize it well, maybe even grow from it. So we show them that we have confidence in them. We show them that we believe in them. By delivering the information that they really wanted to know in an honest and transparent way. We're not holding anything back. We can deliver it in a kind way, we can deliver it in a conscientious way. But we're delivering that information, we with this underlying confidence and belief that they are going to be able to utilize it, handle it and potentially even grow from it. So those are the three main reasons that communication in a transparent way, in an honest way is so powerful. We are elevating ourselves, we are elevating other people and that is what really elevates our leadership. It allows us to show up in a way that is growth minded. It allows us to show up in a way that is connected with other people and we care about them in a deeper way. Not just about looking good, not just about having them feel nice all the time, but really having an honest, open, transparent interaction that allows for their best and and allows for our best. So go forth. Share your truths in a way that's open, transparent and kind. Deliver it with that humor, deliver it with that caring. And allow yourself and those that you interact with to grow. Go forth and grow. Have a wonderful rest of your week everyone. Be honest. Share your power of truth. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team is our group coaching and accountability program where we provide the tools, skills and community for you to grow your self mastery as a leader and optimize your results alongside other leaders. The Empowered Team runs year round to learn more about our leadership consulting for business and our Empowered Team Group coaching. Head to www.theempowered.ca empowered. Learn more. That's www.theempowered.ca. We can't wait for you to join us. Let's go.