Reaching Rapport

This is episode 176 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Hey there. Are you looking to grow as a leader or grow leaders on your team? If so, then our leadership series is for you. It's running all year long. It's free webinars to teach you about various topics in leadership that can really expand your growth and elevate your leadership and be able to really serve those around you. If that's something for you, then opt in to our leadership series, our free webinars that will be going on all this year. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And and now, your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast. And we have a fantastic topic today called Reaching Rapport. I love this topic because it makes such a huge difference in how we connect with other people in all areas of our life, including our clients, our family, our friends. So, rapport, what is this rapport I speak of? Let's dive right in because this is going to be a real skill that will elevate your ability to not only make sales if you're in business, but truly keep the bond between someone that's your spouse or your partner and be able to relate with your family in a way that keeps you connected versus feeling like there's something missing. So really, really powerful, powerful skill. So, reaching rapport, how do we do that? First, let's understand a little bit about rapport. Rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings, ideas, and communicate well. Sounds like fantasy land in some of our worlds. So that's the actual definition of rapport. Another way of quickly relaying rapport is in sync. If two people or a person in a group or a group is in sync, when they're in sync, then they really typically have rapport. And this, this word stems from the French verb repartee. Repartee is to carry something back. So really, to me, in bringing the definition and that French verb, repartee, it's to me, a flow of energy, words, values, beliefs, knowledge, behaviors that is really sent back and forth between, say, two individuals or between a group or an individual and a group. So just consider if you could imagine these bubbles of words just going back and forth between two individuals, these behaviors, the knowledge, it could even be politics, Covid conversations, it could be anything that two people are communicating on or even just being in harmony with, in and not even agreeing. They don't have to agree. You can have rapport and not agree. So it could be their values, the energy, the words, the beliefs, the knowledge, any of that that flowing back and forth between two people, whether they agree or not. And that is maintaining rapport. So it's a really beautiful thing. And this is one of the reasons that I'm bringing in this topic in the podcast, is because in our empowered team this month, in our coaching calls, it's our topic, and it's a topic we're starting with at the beginning of the month, at the beginning of March, so that we can lead into the next topic later in the month, which is difficult conversations. So rapport is one of these key skills so that we can have those difficult conversations and not have it be so hard. Because I see one of the reasons this is a topic is because some of my clients will have challenging situations in their work, in their family life. And when that happens, what I hear sometimes is them avoiding a difficult conversation. And by avoiding a difficult conversation, they're usually setting themselves up for another problem down the road because nothing has ever been addressed with the other person or the other group of people because that conversation hasn't been had. And one of the reasons that they're avoiding the difficult conversation is because it's hard. They perceive it as hard. It feels really challenging. So with the skill of rapport, it's something that makes a difficult conversation fluid, easy. It makes it actually something to look forward to because the trust and communication is still there, and what needed to be said got said. So it's a really, really powerful skill to have. So it's very important to develop this skill as a stepping stone for that trust and communication. And it doesn't matter who this is with. It doesn't. I've mentioned clients, I've mentioned family or friends, but ultimately, it's fantastic. In meeting new people, rapport building makes a huge difference in how that relationship progresses, whether it's someone new or not. So for me, personally, I didn't even realize I had this as a skill until. Until I started noticing what I was able to do in new situations that some other people weren't able to do. And, and what it is, is I, I have a. I've done Gallop strengths finders. If anyone hasn't done this before, Gallop creates this, this quiz and this test that is strength finders. And they've, they've gathered massive amounts of research and how this affects people. And it's really a fantastic little tool, especially for employees or getting to Know yourself and your own strengths better. But I've done strength finders about three different times over the span of about six years. And one of my top five strengths, the same top five strengths have come up over the years and every single time I've taken this test. And one of the top five is relator. And I see this top five strength relator as really my skill set in rapport. And where this came from was as a kid I moved from a few different schools. I was in environments where I was fearful for, for my safety, not only between different schools, but sometimes at home as well. And because of those environments and those situations, I learned to read other people pretty closely. I didn't know it, I was a child, I didn't know what was happening. But I learned to read facial expressions, tone, body language, movement patterns, just all sorts of things. I learned to read because I felt unsafe in various situations. And I was a very tiny little child. And so I learned this skill of reading other people. And it's part of what developed the ability to relate very well and then to transfer that into being able to have rapport and actually connect with someone else. So relating with someone is one thing, but rapport is that ability to really flow back and forth and connect with another person. So for years of working with people hands on, when as an expert in biomechanics and physiology and strength and conditioning, and as an athletic therapist as well, I was continually seeing people in very vulnerable situations. They were either injured or they're going for another level. So they're really, really in a precarious situation and or they're going for a new goal and they really feel vulnerable every time. And so what I was able to do was really meet them where they were at, relate with them, and then also keep that rapport. And it developed the trust for them to be able to trust me in helping them where they get to where they wanted to go. So I got years and years of this. Not only that, what I noticed is in moving in different countries, living in. I lived in the US when I was in grade 8 and grade 9 and I went from being in a very tiny little northern Canadian town to moving to the twin cities, Minneapolis, St. Paul, so very large cities, and moving through some of the worst areas of the city to get to a top end private school. So I was in these scenarios of going from a tiniest town in Canada to big cities, to being around people who had a lot of money, being around people who had zero money, very little money, and learning how as a very young person, not even an adult yet, learning how to find a way to assimilate and fit into these situations. And what I didn't realize at the time where I was learning skills of rapport, one time, I remember I even I was the school I went to, I had to travel through a pretty rough part of St. Paul and Minnesota, and I was on a city bus and I was heading to a private school. And this private school, we didn't really have the money for me to go there, but. But this was a top 10 private school in the US and so there were a lot of kids who had a lot of money and we were in this kind of. I was in this subsidized position and had to test to get in and all this stuff. So I wasn't coming from a bunch of money or anything like that. And I was riding a city bus to go through a part of town that really wasn't that, that great. And, and coming from Canada, I've got this Canadian accent going to Minnesota and then going through inner city. So there's, there's not only the US Accent, but then there's kind of an inner city accent. So I'm on the bus and I don't have to wear a uniform at the school through. Thankfully, that was my saving grace in some of these moments. Because being on the bus and I'm say 13 years old, I start getting questioned or asked by groups of kids, other teenagers, but they want to know what school I go to. And, you know, just I'm in a situation where as I'm reading it, I know it could, it could be fine or it could go poorly. And I'm trying to figure out which way it's going to go. And when I communicate back, I start adapting my language to their language. I start picking up on their ways of talking and communicating in their way so that I could fit in and be safe. And that is something that now, in learning so much more about rapport, learning all skills of relating and how we, how we are as humans, I understand what happened and why I did it, but at the time it was simply something that was instinctual. I knew that this would help me be okay. So it's really, I share this because I think that all of us have various skills that we may not fully be aware of, or when we look back, we might see where we got some of the skills we have from, but they're, they're within us. I didn't, in that moment, I didn't. Nobody trained me to speak in somebody else's dialect. However, I instinctually just did it, and I did it in order to relate and have rapport with the other people I was with on that city bus. So I share that story because sometimes when we share skills or we talk about certain things, our brain tends to offer this, well, that's not me, or I can't do that. And that's a total lie. Of course you can. We all can. It's just a matter of understanding what's possible. And so I'm going to share just some step by steps, on four steps in particular, as to how we reach rapport. This is all about reaching rapport with others and. And it will do nothing but serve them and you. And elevate the quality of your. Of your life, elevate the quality of your communication. So number one is mirroring. Mirroring is so important in developing rapport. You might have heard this before, and it might sound a little weird to you if you haven't done it before, but it's very, very powerful. And if you ever question mirroring as a way to maintain rapport, take a look at a couple who is newly in love. If you see you can even recognize a couple who's newly in love by looking at them on the street, even if you've never met them, because of this mirroring. So mirroring becomes very powerful, especially with the body, facial expressions and eye contact. So. So this sounds a little off sometimes because we think, oh, well, if I'm mirroring someone else, they're going to think I'm mocking them or it's weird, but it's really not. Imagine that couple in love, they're not even noticing that the other person is mirroring them. But an observer could witness and see it easily. So when you're in it, it's not an obvious thing. But mirroring another person just creates this subconscious level of comfort, that facial expression. Mirroring theirs as well has that connection. It creates this subconscious connection. Now, eye contact is just subtly different. And the reason is because with masculine energy, so not just men and women, but masculine energy versus feminine energy, what happens is that eye contact for a very masculine person can sometimes be a little confrontational. So then you might be just reading them, you know, do they break eye contact occasionally? Then that's likely what you would do. Whereas a lot of feminine energy and potentially women will want to maintain that eye contact and not be confronted by it or see it as any form of aggression. So mirroring is very powerful. That's number one for reaching Rapport number two is matching. Now this is not mirroring, but similar matching is matching their state. So if someone is a very low or a calm state, you're going to that state. If someone's a very high state and they're very excited, then you're going to that state. Or they seem very agitated or stressed, you can bring some of that, that energy, but you're not bringing the emotion that they are. If you want to not go into their negative state, perhaps. So for instance, what I mean by this is that you're matching the kind of energy that they have. However you're keeping your emotional state, if that is looking like you want to maintain a positive or a certain state in uncertainty, or when someone is negative, then you can create that same, keep the same emotion, but match their tone of voice, match their volume of voice, match their breathing. So you're matching a physical state, you're matching sometimes an energetic state, but you're not necessarily matching the emotional state if it's not something that you want to bring yourself toward. So it's very important to distinguish this, especially if you're in a situation where you are helping people who are maybe injured or maybe they're upset or they're going through a hard time. So you would bring yourself to say that energetic state they are with your breathing, with your tone, but you're keeping your emotional state. So that's what matching entails. And then the third one for reaching rapport is thoughts. It's amazing. My 11 year old, I always tell her I can read her mind. She's like, mom, how do you do that? What's going on and what's happening is that I'm reading all of the subtleties of her body or her facial expression expressions, or just her overall energy. And so I can tell if she's feeling uncertain or if she's lied or if any of those, or she's down. And I can read these things. And when I say, oh, you're thinking this and it's so close to what she's actually thinking, she thinks I can read her mind, but what I'm actually reading are her cues, her signals that are coming from her body. So the thoughts we want to be thinking about, seeking to understand what they've said and what they haven't said. So we're reading between the lines and we're seeking to understand what they've said. When our thoughts revolve around that, then they can tell that we are engaged. When our thought becomes distracted, our body typically gives some signal, some Sign some, tell some. That's why they call it poker face, right? You don't want to have any sort of tell as you've got this, this poker face. So we want to make sure that our thoughts are reflecting what they have going on, what they've said or what's not said. And by thinking that way, then our body naturally follows in line and they can subconsciously read that. So our thoughts will keep us in rapport with the other person. So number four in reaching rapport is interest. We show interest. And when we are being interested, we show with our eyebrows, our facial expressions. We lean in, we make words or sounds of confirmation. Now, this all sounds like we're in agreement, but we're just acknowledging what they've said. We're acknowledging that we hear them, we acknowledge that we're interested in what they're saying. And the reason I point this out is because we can reach rapport with people we don't agree with. We can reach rapport and be in rapport with someone, even if it's a political discussion. And we do not think the same way that they do. And that's okay. And we can still create rapport. And the beauty of it is that it, this rapport builds the relationship so that it sets the stage for future connection, communication, conversation, all of the things that we may want to have with this person. So the question becomes, how do we break rapport without breaking the trust and communication that's been developed? So how do we break that rapport? We might need to move on to another meeting. We might know that we just don't want to carry this conversation anymore, but we value that person. So what happens? I consider this a 4 to 1 ratio. And what I mean by that is that it takes those four things to truly reach amazing rapport with someone. The mirroring, the matching, the thoughts, the interests, showing interest. So those four things are really creating rapport. But it takes a break in just one of those things to change the rapport, to break the rapport. So for instance, even just looking on a zoom meeting, the rapport is maybe somewhat or fully developed there. We're connecting with the other person. And my eyes glance to the top of my screen to look at the clock. Now, just the fact that I've had a thought about the time and, and my eyes have moved and I've looked at the clock, they can tell that something is different. And whether they acknowledge it or not, or whether you acknowledge it or not, some of or all of the rapport can be broken just with that one move, imagine being in person with somebody and you look down at your watch, that. And you're in the middle of a conversation that breaks rapport. Just that one thing, no matter if all the other things were present, that breaks rapport. So how do we go forward and break that rapport? With grace? We do so by acknowledging them while doing that shift. And what this does, it's very powerful. So I'll give you an example here. I might be glancing up at that clock on that zoom call, but when I do so, I'm saying at the same time and saying, I'm so sorry. I'm just taking a quick peek at the time here, and I have to keep an eye on this time because I have another commitment coming up. And I'm so valuing this conversation and the connection that we've made that I just want you to be aware of that. And that allows them to understand that it's important to you, and you realize that there's a shift in their conversation and they are important to you. So you acknowledge them in some way, in some fashion. And as you are breaking rapport, not necessarily look at your watch and then wait another two minutes, look at your watch again, and then finally say, oh, I have to go. That is not going. That's going to lose some of the trust and lose some of the connection that you've developed. So by acknowledging them while you're shifting, this keeps the trust and the communication maintained while moving on from that person or that conversation. And it can be very, very powerful, very important skill to do. So I want you to imagine I've been living in Mexico for the last couple months, and in a tourism destination, there's a lot of people selling a lot of things. But imagine when you're at the airport and someone approaches you and they're talking about the amazing things that are around here, and you kind of think that they're dressed normally, they're not in any sort of uniform, and. And you're kind of thinking that this is a person that's developing conversation with you, and that's fantastic. And then you realize they want something from you, they're trying to get you to do something, and maybe it's making you uncomfortable. Once you have that realization, and in that moment, if you do just one thing to break the rapport, but they become very persistent and it's uncomfortable for you, then you're going to be in a situation where you're probably not only turning away from them, not only thinking things that you don't like. It not only showing a lack of interest, you're breaking all levels of rapport. And that is sending them a message, even if you haven't said anything. Now, I want you to imagine a similar scenario where someone's trying to sell you something, maybe on the beach, but let's say you want to maintain rapport and still say no. By doing this. What we do is we. So, for instance, someone's coming along the beach, they sell jewelry, someone sells blankets, selling different food items. And somebody comes along and I say, I smile and lean in, take a look at what they have and say, muy buonito, pero no gracias. And I say, very beautiful, but thank you. No, I'm not going to have this right now. And I smile and nod and they smile, but I'm firm on what I've said. And they move along and they keep going. Now, in this scenario, I have told them that I don't want it and I've maintained rapport. So it's amazing as a human connection, I've kept that human connection without having to break rapport. And what it does is for them and for me, we feel like we're connected as humans. I don't have to turn into somebody that I don't like about myself in order to say no. And how it serves them is that they carry on and they can still smile and do all the things without feeling like, oh, that person doesn't like me because I asked a question. They have to deal with lots of no's throughout their day. Then at the same time, let's just say that same person I do want to buy something from a couple days later. There's still a level of trust or communication that we've started with with just that, that connection that we've made. The expression, the leaning in the conversation, the understanding their position of things, and then that still maintained the next time I see them. So it's a powerful thing for human connection, even if you don't agree on the same thing, even if it's a different difficult political conversation or you have a difference of opinion. So this is such a key skill. We are going into the month of March with our empowered team, and our first coaching call of the month is all about rapport. Not only learning more about it than what I've just described, but also practicing the skill of rapport so that we set ourselves up powerfully and being able to use the skill in difficult conversations, which is what our call is later in the month. Difficult conversations are often the thing we are avoiding and we don't go toward because it feels so bad. And this is what I hear from some of my clients, is that they don't want to have that conversation and yet it causes problems down the road because what needed to be said didn't get said. And why? Because they felt uncomfortable in the difficult conversation. So this is where the skill of rapport and maintaining rapport, it turns difficult conversations into something of ease. It turns it into something that is fluid, something that maintains connection. And even if there are two people who don't agree on something, or something challenging or hard needs to be conveyed, something difficult needs to be said, it becomes so much easier with the skill of rapport because then you can still maintain that human connection no matter how hard the conversation is. So this is for you to practice. Use the skill, practice it on your family, practice it on your friends, practice it with some co workers and just see what happens in how your communication goes, how the trust level is. And practice these skills of rapport, the mirroring, the matching, the thoughts and the interest. Those four skills in developing rapport I think will make a huge difference for your life. Try it out this week and see what happens. See what happens in using it for your future conversations, your engagements. So have a beautiful week, have a wonderful day and take good care. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team runs year round. It is our group coaching and accountability program where we take mindset and physical performance concepts and break them down to usable action steps that optimize results. To learn more about our Empowered Leadership coaching for business, our custom online physical training plans, and of course the Empowered Team Group coaching, head to www.theempowered.ca empowered learn more. That's www.theempowered.ca Empowered Learn More SA.