Relationships

This is episode 158 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Today on the Empowered Team Podcast, we have a special edition for you. We are digging deep into relationships. Kari and I both have come off an incredible event with Tony Robbins, his Platinum partner relationship event, and we have so much to share, so many big takeaways for you. Kari will be running through our top takeaways from this event and there will definitely be something. This episode will be so useful to apply in your life or your relationships to better them, to make them deeper, richer, and more fulfilling. Enjoy. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now, your host, vitality and peak performance coach, Kari Schneider.

Hello. Hello.

Today we are talking about, when I.

Say we, it's going to be me, but it's coming from both Paul and myself. But we're talking about relationships. And first, I apologize for probably an off sounding voice. I have a cold that I haven't had a cold in over two years. So I'm dealing with that. So if there's a little moment of a break to deal with the things that come with a cold, then excuse me. And we are going into the topic of relationships, and I want to step into this with such power because it is one of the top three spheres of influence in our lives. And what I mean by that is that when our relationships are working, that's when it feels like almost everything else is working. And even if other things aren't working, we feel like we can handle it because it feels so good to have incredible relationships. In this particular podcast, we're gonna talk about intimate relationships, our partners. And this can be your boyfriend, girlfriend, your spouse. And the things that I'm going to mention in this topic will apply to.

Any sort of relationship, whether you are.

Gay or straight or whatever type of intimate relationship that you have. And the reason that it's become a topic for the podcast at this time is because Paul and I recently went to the ultimate relationship event with Tony Robbins. And to give context to this, this is an exclusive event. The people who are at this event are those who have opted into a very exclusive mastermind called a Platinum Partnership. And it's the only one of the events that those who have opted into the Platinum Partnership can bring their significant other or their spouse. And so it was a week of incredible, incredible days. We would be doing deep coaching work and transformational work until, you know, 1, 2, 3 in the morning and then up the next day and amazing activities together for bonding, different Things focusing on masculine energy, different things separating into feminine energy. Whoever wanted to be developing their feminine more versus developing their masculine more. There was so much that was involved at the highest, highest level that it, you know, it was a completely different world. So far beyond any other course that I've taken, so far beyond any other experience I've ever been in. And I was fortunate enough to have my love of my life, Paul, there with me. And due to time constraints, he's not on this podcast. But I'm so fortunate to have his top three takeaways. And we're going to go over here. His top three takeaways. My top three takeaways with regards to relationships, with the intention that this serves your relationships, that you actually grab onto the mistakes that we've made, the things that we've learned, and apply them to your life in a way that can make a huge difference, make the spark come back, the love come back. Or have you prepared for a future marriage or a future love of your life in a way that you feel you can powerfully handle anything, anything that comes your way. And knowing that either person is going to go through lows, you're not always going to both be in that crazy in love high. And anyone who's been in a relationship for any length of time realizes this, that it's simply not something that is always this beautiful thing like it was in the beginning. And that's one thing that Tony Robbins always says, is that, you know, if, if the things you, you, if you were still doing the same things in the beginning, toward the end, there wouldn't be an end. And that really, I think about that all the time. I think about the love notes, I think about the phone calls, the messages, the letters, the. The shows of affection. Just all these things that were in the beginning of the relationship that wane over time. Maybe the stressors become more prevalent. Maybe work or parenting or just other things imposing on your life suddenly, maybe not suddenly, but actually insidiously become more of the dominant tendency instead of all those little things that seem so natural in the beginning. So for us, just to give some context here, on the surface, if people see maybe a Facebook post or an Instagram post or see us out in public, you know, it's seemingly that we are a solid, happy couple. And the truth is we've. We've really had our struggles. We've had a lot of years of stress when it comes to work challenges. We had our years of financial challenges and parenting with a blended family and other things that we're dealing with, with our own families, with our parents, and just so many things that life throws at you, whether it's illness or depression or suicide or all of the things that we've been dealing with have had their toll on our relationship. And what the reality is is that the pressures and the stressors of life became the most important thing and our relationship came second. And I guess the reason our relationship came second is because we felt so confident in each other, we felt so confident in our love and our relationship that we simply started to divide and conquer. Instead of collaborating, instead of doing as many things together, we started to just divide and trust in the other person's ability to do the other thing and just go in that direction. Now, there's nothing wrong with that other than we weren't spending the time to nurture the relationship or nurture each other. And we didn't really realize how much we needed that for our relationship because it came so naturally in the beginning.

And this led to, you know, years of disconnection.

This led to a separating for a.

Short period of time.

This led to more challenges and more arguments. And, you know, over the recent past, we've just been arguing more and not understanding how we can resolve it and being very frustrated with how the other person was. Was showing up. And it really wasn't working for us. So to dive into this, this relationship trip, we were both committed. I think Paul was more committed to playing full out than I was. I think I was becoming somewhat resigned and resentful. And I think I was becoming. I think I was losing hope because what was happening for me is I kept trying these different things, trying these different things and then feeling like they weren't working or weren't landing for Paul or weren't working for the relationship. And so I think I was at a worse spot going into this trip than Paul was. Maybe not. I think he was in a challenging spot, but he was certainly gung ho to put in 100% effort in the trip and all the systems we were working through. And we still are trying to assimilate all the information that we've consumed because there's just so much. And I was fortunate enough to.

Fortunate or unfortunate, I don't know which it is. I think it's absolutely fortunate.

But at the time, it felt unfortunate to have a real intervention with Tony Robbins. And, you know, I said after the fact a couple times that I got my ass handed to me and I had such a stubborn story about where our relationship was. And he really broke through that in A pretty harsh manner, but a manner that was, I think, needed because of the tough skin that I have and the stubborn story I was clinging onto. And it was a pretty powerful scenario without going into too much detail, because.

This is something that's private within the.

Experience there for all of us in there to protect our privacy. What I will share is the top three takeaways from Paul. My top three takeaways and a couple of learnings that have really, really helped us in coming away from this experience, but also just stepping into our relationship more.

And I'd love to do a follow.

Up in a few months time or a year's time just to see how effectively we've been able to continue to work on what we're doing. And I'm really confident that we will because this platinum partnership that I'm in is a year long. So it's very intensive. So I'll continue to do the work.

And do the learnings and it will continue to reinforce what Paul and I have been able to initiate together in this relationship trip. So I'm sharing all this and it's kind of uncomfortable because it's so personal, but I'm sharing it because I truly believe that this is that. That je ne sais quoi, that spark of life, that part of humanity that.

Brings the best into the world.

And it's love. It's true love.

It's deep love.

And it's something that spills over into who we are in the world, in our businesses, in our families, in how we parent, in how we conduct our lives, in what we give to the world, in how we serve other people. So, you know, if your primary focus is your career right now, it would be, I think, foolish to think that ignoring relationships or ignoring this part of life is at all productive for the other areas that you really care about, whether it's career or business or your service to other people. So here we go. Paul's top three takeaways. So to. To give some context to this.

Paul.

And I were both stepping into anger more frequently when we were trying to have conversations with each other or work things out. Anger kept coming up more frequently. And I would say that if we look at our relationship several years ago, we weren't nearly as angry with each other as we have been more recently. So his number one was recognizing anger as a cry for help or being scared. And in his words, he says, it's a simple thing, but a big key to avoiding shifting into anxious, avoidant mode. So when he says anxious, avoidant mode, we Identified some insecure behaviors that were happening for both of us and their insecure avoidant or insecure anxious or insecure trauma. And there were these archetypes that we had done a specific quiz on to figure out where we were. And his was mostly an insecure avoidance style. Mine was a little bit of both insecure anxious, and insecure avoidant. But he really recognized this number one point, that his anger, whether it's my.

Anger or his anger.

So either of our angers is actually a cry for help or fear. That anger in our relationship, anger isn't always that, but specifically the anger most of the time in our relationship was.

A cry for help or fear.

Fear that we won't be loved, fear that the other person doesn't care. But he says it's a simple thing, but a big key to avoiding shifting into that anxious avoidant mode. So that one was really powerful for him and another one that he found. And I think this. I just want to send this out to all the men out there. He says his second top three takeaway was staying curious at all times and continually trying to date your partner to keep learning more about them and assume nothing. And I swear those are his exact words. So staying curious at all times and continually trying to date your partner, keep learning more about them and assume nothing. Now, hearing this from him, in his words, that this is what really landed for him makes my heart sing, because it truly feels like, as his partner, this is exactly what I've wanted or needed within our relationship. So it's very powerful for me to hear him articulate that. Number three. He says, keep working on yourself. So keep working on yourself as an individual to understand where the feelings and thoughts are coming from. You can't support your partner properly if you don't understand what's going on for you. So that was a big takeaway for him to really get deep and introspective for himself so he can see what's happening for him. And then he has a bonus. Instead of just a top three, he has a bonus. And it's this unconditional love all of the time. And that's a beautiful takeaway that we both got from the event in that, you know, we do have to fill our own cup. We do have to figure out what our own personal needs. And at the same time, it was really ugly to realize that we were doing this thing called horse trading in that it's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna give you love if you do this or if you're this certain way or if you whatever. And realize that our love was starting to become conditional instead of the kind of unconditional love we give our kids or, you know, how we used to.

Be with one another.

So it, it really was a bit of a smack in the face to start to look at how we were.

Loving each other and how it had become conditional, which was kind of sad to realize.

And I'm going to shift over here to my top three takeaways.

And the number one, and I don't necessarily think these are in priority order.

But the number one that I'd that came to me right away was polarity. And when I say polarity, it means.

The magnetic attraction between masculine and feminine. And there is always a magnetic attraction between masculine and feminine. It doesn't matter whether you are, what gender you are, it doesn't matter whether you're trans, whether you're gay, whether you're bisexual, whether you're straight, it does not matter. But there's always these masculine and feminine types of energy. And you know, when masculine and masculine come together, there tends to be very much of a resistance between the two versus when masculine and feminine come together, there's very much of a draw, there's an attraction, there's a magnetism. This polarity, you want the difference and that difference, those differences create a lot of attraction. And I've learned a fair bit about masculine and feminine energies. Before this event. However, I got the opportunity to really practice it in some of the exercises we were doing every day for feminine energy and masculine energy. The, the masculine energetic people were doing more masculine energy work. And those of us who wanted to work more feminine energy were doing feminine energy work. And I personally discovered for myself that, that, and I knew this cognitively, but I wasn't experiencing it to truly understand it in a deeper fashion.

So what it is is that I.

Knew personally that my masculine energy was very well established and very well practiced. And it's because of being a tomboy, because of living into an expectation I felt my father had of me and then stepping into roles of being a single mom. So being both provider, protector, mother and father to a child and then starting my own business in a male dominated field. And so my masculine energy was so practiced, I use it every single day. And yet to step into that masculine energy all of the time in our relationship with a masculine man simply creates a lot of conflict. It creates a lot of tension and less attraction. And for there to be that polarity between feminine and masculine, not to say that Paul doesn't love my independence doesn't love my toughness, doesn't love all of those things, but it's the feminine side of things. And I don't. Feminine is not weak in any possible way, but the feminine side of things, of being able to be vulnerable and also be open and share and all of those things that be able to lean on a partner, those are attributes that really make a huge difference in the relationship. And stepping into feminine power, which is a whole other beast that I simply did not fully understand until this past week, is. Is such a true, true gift and opportunity for magnetic attraction.

And so that's number one, the polarity.

Masculine and feminine energies. Just how important for me personally to. To nourish and develop that feminine energy in our relationship. Number two is taking full responsibility as quickly as possible within any upset.

Paul and I have targeted our three.

Main areas of conflict or resistance and their time, communication, and then how we argue or deal with conflict. Those three areas. And people like the list of what most couples deal with. It's parenting, it's finances, it's household duties, it's all these things. And it was such an enlightening moment to realize that, oh my gosh, those things, we are on the same page with all of those things and they work so well. It's amazing. But there are some key areas that we just break down all of the time, and they're, you know, that time together, our quality time, date time, our communication and how we handle arguing, how we actually deal with conflict, how we make up. And so in all of those areas, taking responsibility as quickly as possible is really powerful because seeing where we are responsible for what we're contributing to that conflict very quickly is, I think, such a big step towards the solution. Being able to resolve the conflict very quickly. So that's number two is taking the responsibility. And we've actually created rules and we've created a new system around how to deal with those three areas that are most problematic in our life. And number three, how important it is to become aware of a victim story. I call this also a pity party. Poor meitis. And step back into appreciation. So I coach on victim mindset and helping people get out of it. I have worked on it for a couple of decades because I came from some serious traumatic background. And so I worked on getting out of a victim scenario and taking true accountability and responsibility for my life. So it was a pretty big smack in the face to realize that I had gone back into a victim story within my own relationship and really not realized it. So just becoming aware of that and taking full responsibility instead of putting blame on someone else. That the way that that snuck in was pretty shocking to me because I take pride in not stepping into victim mindset and yet it had happened in my relationship, so that was a big takeaway for me.

And bonus, lastly, is to give them what they need.

Give your partner what they need. Typically, we know exactly what they need. And giving them what they need is so powerful for the relationship. And I know that I've done a lot of work on this for a lot of years in really believing and encompassing that we are individually responsible for meeting our own needs. That is pertinent to, I think everyone having their fullest life is being able to meet your own needs, meet your own happiness, create your own best life and best happiness on your own and within a relationship. This is where actually giving someone else what they need is so powerful because giving someone else what they need is really why we're in relationships. We love what another brings to us.

That'S so much higher than what we only bring ourselves. It's such a different dynamic. So giving your partner what they need.

Is very, very powerful. And that was a big takeaway for me. And just being so generous and appreciative and just lavishing on them what you know, that they need. Lastly, I want to Share with you four Rs of an intimacy destruction pattern.

I'm not going to go into them because really, I think the words alone.

Will tell a lot and I can't possibly do it justice in one little blurb in a podcast when we spent, you know, we spent over 12 hours a day working on these things for seven days straight. The four Rs of an intimacy destruction pattern are resistance, resentment, rejection, and repression. And I can easily say that we were in at least three of these at any given time when we were in dysfunctional patterns. And to counteract that, and this is the one that if you've got one to five of these things going on in your relationship every day, then chances are you're going to be on your path to an amazing relationship. It's the five A's for an abundant relationship, and they are attention, affection, appreciation, allowing, and acceptance. I especially resonate with allowing an acceptance because that's where I think I can show up more profoundly in our relationship by allowing him or anyone in my life to be however they are and accepting that, simply letting them be who they are at that given time and appreciating them for, you know, who they really are and, and being able to give attention and Affection. So those five A's are very powerful to have as a reminders that if they're not present at all, not one of them is present, then that's, you know, a serious problem. If all five are present every single day, chances are you're going to be having an incredibly abundant relationship. Chances are you're going to be feeling really good all of the time.

So to wrap up that, that is the relationship takeaway.

And although our podcast tends to be around, you know, high performance in career, sport and life, and we often talk about overcoming things in sport, we often talk about what it takes and what practices within the mindset and what actions are pertinent for developing yourself for your career or your best productivity. This topic is so key because it affects all of our areas of life and it certainly can give us the tools that we need for this Most amazing and abundant happiness is what often happens when we're in an exceptional relationship. And it's not easy because we bring these old patterns, we bring these old systems into our relationship. However, I would love to inspire people to know that it's possible to overcome things. When you think that everything is hopeless, that you can't go on in a relationship, that it actually is possible. I've seen it with other people. I've experienced, experienced it myself. When you feel like there is no hope and you're completely frustrated, you got one foot out the door that you can turn it around. And so that's the, that's the inspiration I'd like to provide. And hopefully the things that I've shared.

Today from Paul's experience and my experience.

Of this ultimate relationship experience, hopefully these can inspire you to take a few of those steps, to really take your relationship to the next level. Not having a relationship as two friends working really well and cohabit, being in cohabitation together for, you know, kind of a household partnership, but truly being in.

A magnificent relationship that has love and passion and deep connection. And that's really what we want. We don't want just the normal marriage. That's not what I'm aiming at. I'm aiming it for an exceptional relationship. Magnificent one, passion, love, intimacy, and true and deep friendship. And we decided that the desired outcome for any of those areas that were not working well in is deepened connection in friendship, passion, purpose, parenting, play and adventure. And that really resonates with us.

So it's. It's almost like our relationship mission, if you will.

So I hope that inspires you to create something for your relationship to work.

Individually and together in a way that can create space. The best. The absolute best. A whole other level. Something you couldn't even imagine in your relationship before.

So much love to you.

I hope this serves you.

Have a magnificent rest of your day.

And go out there and do something that lavishes attention on that significant other. Or develop your if you're not in a relationship, develop yourself in a way that's going to have you ready for the best relationship of your life.

Love to you. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the team. The Empowered Team runs year round. It is our group coaching and accountability program where we take mindset and physical performance concepts and break them down to usable action steps that optimize results. To join, email us@Info empowerconditioning.com with subject line team. That's info powerconditioning.com we can't wait for you to be on the team.