The #1 Conversation Skill to Build Trust

This is episode 288 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport, and life. And now your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider.

Welcome. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast. My name is Kari Schneider and I am bringing up a juicy topic today. This one is so, so good. These tools that I'm about to give you are literally going to change every conversation. You should, not, cannot, I, I request that you never go into a conversation without these tools. These tools are so powerful. In fact, get ready to share this episode because your friends need these tools, your family needs these tools, your co workers need these tools. And these tools are so critical. I can't believe I haven't shared this yet. I can't believe I haven't recorded a podcast on this topic. These are what you need to have any conversation. So I'm. I'm going to lay the groundwork here. Imagine, if you're anything like me, you love to get things done. If you're anything like me, you love to solve problems. I know that that's usually what the man brings to the relationship, but there's sometimes that my husband talks to me, me. He's sharing something from work. And because I'm typically coaching people just like him, CEOs, company founders, company owners, then I have this urge to just start coaching or solving the problem or helping him fix, partially because I love doing it and partially because I'm skilled at it and I do it most of the day. So he comes to me with a problem and I have this urge to want to provide my insights or ask more questions. And sometimes he's just plain annoyed. He doesn't want me to solve it. He is a fixer. He's a doer. He wants to solve it. He's just trying to do what I'm asking him to do, which is share more about his day. And here I am jumping all over his problem. It's his problem. Okay, so that's the example that I'm giving. If you've ever been in that situation or you've had somebody jump all over your problem, or you've brought something to a conversation to another person and they aren't responding the way that you hoped they would, or maybe you didn't have any expectation at all, but the way that they respond isn't helpful for you. It doesn't feel good. It's not what you were hoping for. These skills will help you and help them. And this came from A relationship course I did years and years ago. And it was a. It was. I think it was relationship development. It was called probably relationship development dot com. And I did this program. But this specific tool was for parenting. And I promise you, it is so much more than a tool for parenting. And I just expanded on it a little bit by making it an acronym and making it a little easier for me to use and for my family to remember and for my clients to remember. So we're going to bring the HEAT today. HEAT is your acronym, H E A T. And I'm going to explain exactly what this is. Because the last thing that you want, if you are in a workplace environment, if you're communicating with your spouse or loved one or your children are coming to you with a problem, the last thing you want is to repel them. The last thing you want is to upset them. The last thing you want is to not be able to help them in their time of need, especially when they're sharing. And the thing that this tool and the skill will provide as well is greater understanding for the person bringing the communication of what their needs are when they may not even know. So you are going to enlighten what their needs are if they, if they're not sure, if they're uncertain as they bring it to you. So this is a very powerful tool. Okay, I know that I've, I've blown this up and I can't blow it up any bigger. It's amazing. So HEAT is the acronym. And what you're going to do is, is when you are in a situation, someone brings something to you, and you are going to decide whether you're going to do number one, the H, the 2, the E, 3, the A or 4, the T? Is it a 1, 2, 3, 4 problem or H E a T? And this is how you decide. Someone comes to you and they say, you know, this thing's been going on at work and I, I just want to talk to you about it. Can I talk to about this? And you say, yes, but then you say this. And you might only have to say this once, but you're going to teach them how to express their problem to you so you can help in the best possible way, pro possible. This will help at work. This will help with your family, this will help with your relationship. The thing you say is, is this something that you want me to just listen to? Is this something that you want me to listen to and give you my opinion? Is this something that you want me to help you with? Is this something that you want me to do for you. There are four things here. So we're going to back up again because if someone's explained what's on their heart, maybe they're agitated, maybe they're emotionally upset, maybe they're down, maybe they're. They're angry, but something is going on for them and they've brought it to you. And you don't have a clue as to how to best respond unless you get clear with them as to what they need. And I promise you, if they are in an emotional state that's a bit wound up, they probably don't know what they need. They might, but if they don't, this will help them, not just you. It'll help both of you navigate what could be a scenario that you could really miss the mark on. And we don't want that. So the H, the number one is hear. Do you just need me to hear you right now? Do you just want me to listen? That's number one. So they might have explained the whole thing and then you say, did you just want to get that out? Do you just want me to listen? Is that all you need or would you like me to give my opinion? Would you like to hear what I think? You'd like to know what I think about this situation? That's the E. So the H is just here, just hear the whole thing. The E. The number two is do you want me to express what I think? So E is for express. Do you want me to tell you my opinions, my thoughts, what I think is really going on here? That would be the second one. That's number two. So number two is E. Number three is, do you need me to help you with this, to take some action with you or help you do something to solve this? That's number three and that one is A for action. Do you need help? Do you need me to take action with you? Do you need some support on you taking action? Where we take action together? That's number three. And number four is T. And T is for take it. T is for do it for me. T is for I don't want it. You do it. Take it from me. Now, if you are a parent and you're talking to your kids, you can post this like I have. I have this posted in my kitchen. I have a little. I have a regular size printer paper up with a 1, 2, 3, 4, h, e a T. This is up in our kitchen so that if my one of my kids or my youngest, my daughter comes to me with an issue, I can go there and say, okay, is this one of these things that you just want me to hear you or do you want me to give you my feedback? Do you want me to express my opinions or my thoughts to you? And then we can look at it together. And what happens for her as a young brain developing is she starts to understand what her needs are when she's coming to a conversation. Now if only everyone we knew would do that kind of thing. If only everyone was understanding exactly what their needs were coming into a conversation when they're bringing something to the table. But if we can teach our children, if we can teach our employees, if we can teach our family members, whoever we interact with, our friends, if we can teach them that we're asking, well, what do you need? Then they start to learn what they need. We teach people by how we interact, we teach people how to treat us. And by asking these questions, then we can best serve them exactly what their needs are and they start learning, okay, what do I need from this conversation? What do I need from bringing this to my boss, to my parent, to my friend? And you can facilitate that by teaching them that thing. And now for myself, when I've done this enough with my family especially, then it's so easy, it seamlessly becomes part of work dialogues, work conversations. How can I best serve you in this is how I might ask a client, do you need me to just listen or do you want me to give my thoughts or my feedback? I'll ask for what they think they need because they're getting more and more in touch with how to fulfill their own needs. That's a mark of leadership. That's a mark of self mastery, a mark of knowing yourself. So now when I'm speaking to the CEO of a company, when I'm speaking to someone who's leading many, many people and trying to start a movement, when I'm speaking to someone whose voice really impacts other people and they all they want to do is serve, when they can understand what their needs are more, then they're less likely to deplete themselves. They're less likely to just bend over backwards for everyone else and never fulfill on their own needs. So the more you communicate this way, the more you're giving the gift of helping other people understand their own needs. When you in the conversation say, do you just need me to listen right now or would you like me to express my thoughts on this? Do you need some help on this? Do you want me to take some action and take some action with you, or do you need me to take this from you completely because this is too much. Do you want me to just take. Do it for you? And when you're speaking in Those terms that, 1, 2, 3, 4, the H here, the E, express, the A, action, the T, take it from me. When you express in those ways, you are serving yourself so that you can best serve the person you're with. You are serving them so they can understand their own needs. And your communication, if you're seeing this on video, I got my hands, my fingers interleaked, linked. The communication is at such a high level. It's not this upset and figuring things out and missing the mark and trying to fix it for them when they don't want that. You literally are finding out exactly what they want and giving it to them. No more, no less. And that would be my final point of advice is quite literally, do not go beyond what they have asked for. Don't assume that this is what they need and you're just going to give it to them. Do not go beyond what they have asked for. Let them consider it and contemplate for themselves what their needs really are. Because you've given them the gift of becoming aware of what their needs are. And once they tell you, you have just earned their trust, they've just shared with you what their needs are. They're sharing with you something that's really important. So for goodness sake, do not go beyond that. If they've just asked for your opinion, don't start fixing it with them or fixing it for them or taking it from them. If they've just asked you to listen, don't start telling you what they think, telling them what you think, telling them your opinions, telling them your insights, your wisdom. No, they just want you to listen, then ask, can I ask a couple questions? Get their permission. You're building trust in this conversation. I promise you it will go a long way for future conversations that could be even more difficult than this one. This builds the foundation for you being that person that they can rely on even if they don't need anything from you, just to share. You're building trust. This is very, very present for me right now when I got a call from the school telling me that there had been an accident. Now, of course, right away, the heart skips a beat. Is my kid okay? And the person who called gently said, and very quickly said, your child is fine. There's been an accident with other people. Your child is very upset and I cannot share with you what's gone on. So I'm in A position of not knowing. Knowing my kid's okay, but not knowing what the problem is. And when my child comes home and I intercept them before they can even get in the door. I'm out in the driveway when their bus drops off and I just open my arms and she collapses into my arms, crying. And I still don't know what's going on. And I say, I know there's been an accident. I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happened. I'm here for you. And because we've used this tool multiple times, she knows that I'm not going to overstep boundaries. I'm going to listen to her and just say, what do you need? Tell me what's going on. I've got you. She says, I'm going to tell you, Mom. And she tells me, and there was an awful accident and there was a death and it was really not good for her or for us. It was so sad. There were a lot of tears. But because of practices like this, she's not going to retreat and be alone when she needs someone in her life, especially her mother, so I can show up for her. And there is trust and there is bonding because we've used a tool like this multiple times. So over the consecutive days, after finding out this awful tragedy where a friend has died and another friend to another, two friends are injured, it's an awful thing. But through navigating these conversations in the past, we navigate this so easily. Now, do you need me to do something for you? Yes. Do you know what that is? No. Can I make some suggestions? Yes. Okay. I'm thinking we should do this. How does that sound? Please. Yes. What else can I do? I don't know. Can I provide some ideas? Yes. Do you need me to take this for you and do this for you? Yes. Lots and lots of trust, lots and lots of leaning on me because of so many other conversations. And I'm talking, this is a 13 year old. So many other conversations where I didn't overstep my boundary when she said, I just want to know your thoughts, I want to do it myself. I just want you to listen. And then I stopped at that point and just listened. I did not try and fix it. I did not tell her my opinions. So when she needs me and when something awful happens, there is true trust, true bonding. And we can navigate it with respect and love and support. And that can be the case for any situation. The urgent, the fires that need to be put out at work, the challenging conversation with a spouse, the tragic thing that might happen in life that reminds us that life is so precious and use this tool to hold precious the communication and the connection with another human. You can bring the heat, the warmth, the love with this little acronym HEAT H here. If you just need me to hear you right now. E Express. Do you need me to express my thoughts, my opinions on the thing you've shared? A Take action. Can I help you take action or do you need my help to take action? T Take it for me. Just do this for me. You've got this. Use this tool. Do not enter any conversation without having this tool in your back pocket cuz I promise you it will lead you to amazing results in the moment and also incredible connection and incredible trust for future conversations with that same person. Honor what they ask for. Help them know their needs. Help you help them help yourself understand what their needs are. Use this tool as often as you can, have it in your back pocket at all times and use it to connect and help others more effectively. Life is precious. Go forward. Be your best. Be your best for others as well and step into the things that really matter. Have a wonderful week and a wonderful rest of your day. Share this with someone who needs it.

If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team is our group coaching and accountability program where we provide the tools, skills and community for you to grow your self mastery as a leader and optimize your results alongside other leaders. The Empowered Team runs year round to learn more about our leadership consulting for business and our Empowered Team Group coaching. Head to www.theempowered.ca empowered learn more. That's www.theempowered.ca Empowered learn more. We can't wait for you to join us.

Let's go.