The Pleasure Principle

This is episode 243 of the Empowered Team Podcast. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast, where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now, your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider. Welcome to the Empowered Team Podcast to our monthly topic. And this month, we are talking about pleasure. Yes, pleasure is the pleasure, pleasure principle. And I think that this is one of the most important topics of our entire lives, simply because what is our life, our business, our family time, our experiences? So what if we're not enjoying it and we're not having some pleasure involved? So let's get down to the nitty gritty. What's the definition of pleasure? Because today I want to be able to answer some key questions. How do we really get that full experience of pleasure? And how do we still go for the things we want? That might mean delayed gratification. So we have to delay the pleasure. So this is where this pleasure principle comes in. And I'm going to make a couple of distinctions that I think will change your life when it comes to maybe doing some of the things that are immediately pleasurable, this instant gratification, and then later you regret it. So we're really going to focus on pleasure because we want some real satisfying, incredible pleasure in our life. We don't want to deny ourselves that, and we still want to get to where we want to go. So how do we do that? So, first of all, pleasure overall is this feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. So recognize that pleasure is a feeling. It's an emotional state. It's something that we feel enjoyment with. And oftentimes we're denying ourselves pleasure out of feelings of guilt or thinking that we can't have pleasure if we want something else down the road. And I want to really open the concept of being able to have your most incredible life and really enjoying pleasure. Now. So the adjective for pleasure is used for entertainment rather than business. So is this pleasure or is it professional? And then we've got our verb of pleasure. And our verb of pleasure is to pleasure sexually in it is to pleasure yourself or pleasure someone else. It's that sexual enjoyment or satisfaction. Now we want to really embrace this overall concept of pleasure. And this can be pleasure versus business. As an adjective, it can be sexual pleasure, and it can be that emotional state of happy feeling enjoyment, having pleasure in meeting with someone, or pleasure in watching a particular show, or pleasure in explaining experiencing something new. So ultimately, if we want to sum up what we do as humans, we are biologically supported to seek Pleasure, avoid pain and stay comfortable. And I really want to emphasize the stay comfortable because even if something is really, really pleasureful, we want it. Sometimes we won't do what we need to do in order to have it. We would rather stay comfortable and maybe even be in some pain or a little bit of discomfort if the discomfort seems like too much to get that pleasure. So I just want to remind you that you are naturally inclined to seek pleasure, to avoid pain and to stay comfortable. So, so those moments where you're beating yourself up because you don't want to go and reach for the remote, that you know it's more pleasure to watch a different show, but you really don't even want to go and get up for the remote that's across the table when you're lying down, that it's because of how we are biologically created. We don't want to get uncomfortable for super cozy on the couch, even to get more pleasure from the thing that we're already watching. It's kind of crazy. However, it is how we tick. So we want to have an amazing experience of life. We want to create and allow incredible pleasures to enjoy the most of life. And we also want to delay gratification in order to do what's necessary to achieve the long term outcomes and pleasures that we can't necessarily have immediately if we're delaying our gratification. Now, I've gone through much of this. This is the definition of parenting. Basically creating structure so that someone can develop and grow into a human that can, that can live and navigate the world around them. This is business as well. There's so much that needs to be done initially so that there's still cash flow down the road, so that there is still the accomplishment or achievement for the goals down three years, five years. This is the training an athlete for the Olympics. That pleasure that they really, really want is an Olympic medal. And there is so much delayed gratification in order to get that. So, so much setting certain pleasures aside. So how does that person who's going for the Olympics, building the business, trying to save for retirement, raising a child, living life, how do we feel an immense pleasurable life and at the same time go for these long term goals that are the ultimate pleasure that we want that we don't have now, how do we do that? So the first thing is that it's critical to distinguish between what I'm calling true pleasure and false pleasure. You must distinguish between true pleasure and false pleasure. Because if we don't, then we are caught between, well, it's yolo. You only live once. Gotta have it now. I might die tomorrow. That is a. There's a term for that, and I believe it's called decreasing or no, delayed, diminishing delay. I got to remember the term. But it's off. It's on the tip of my brain right now. So true pleasure is something that you want, you really want. It feels great, you feel great about it and you do not regret an ounce of it. That is true pleasure. It is deep, it is fulfilling, it feels freaking awesome. You love it. That is true pleasure, false pleasure. You really want it. It feels amazing. It feels great in the moment and you regret it. That's the difference. That's the difference between true pleasure and false pleasure is that one is deeper and more fulfilling and you don't regret anything about it. And the other one is really pleasurable. It feels really, really good. And when it's done, you're kind of empty. Maybe you don't even have full regret. But you certainly do not have fulfillment. It certainly does not feel amazing. So you might be asking in this moment, well then is my dark chocolate flavor false pleasure? Because I regretted having it. I ate way too much. Not necessarily. Your dark chocolate can be true pleasure when you are treating yourself in a way that honors your future self. And you, when I said the key thing, if you are overdoing the pleasure, that's when the regret comes in. The difference in the distinction between what becomes a true pleasure and a false pleasure can be overdoing it. You feel great and fulfilled by having that dark chocolate and really truly enjoying it and treating yourself. And it feels like an act of love for yourself. And you have that peace and you linger on it and enjoy it and savor it. And then you go for a second piece and a third piece and a fourth piece, and then you feel like you can completely regretted the experience. It does not feel like an act of self love. It's not remotely fulfilling. In fact, you feel kind of gross. That's the difference. And that's what just turned something that was true pleasure into false pleasure. By over pleasuring, by over indulging in the thing that felt really good. That's the distinction. And there's a way that you can discern whether you're going to go into that overindulging or whether or not it is just the right thing for you in that particular moment. So I had a client who asked me the question, and I think this question is very valuable for you because the question was, was looking to honor Themselves looking to serve themselves, looking to fulfill themselves, and wasn't sure if they were actually stepping into false pleasure. So the question was, how do I know if I'm giving myself a rest by watching a show, doing something pleasurable, or playing a video game pleasurable, or avoiding the more challenging work I need to do? So it's that distinction. They know they find true pleasure in watching a specific show. They know they find true pleasure in playing a video game. But are they doing it to give themselves the gift of pleasure or are they actually just avoiding and delaying what they know they need to do for their long term goals, which is long term pleasure. The way that they know is whether or not they regret doing it and whether or not they pre planned it. So if you know yourself really well as a leader in life and you know that you want to optimize your performance, and when you do perform, you know that you can go for about three hours and then you know you need a break. Maybe it's three hours of sales calls, maybe it's three hours of strategizing for the business, maybe it's three hours of parenting, but you know that three hours you end up hitting a tipping point and you need a break. If that's the case and you know yourself well as a leader, leaders will take care of themselves. It is a foundational Level 1 rule of leadership is lead yourself, take care of yourself. And so if you know yourself well, which is one of the three foundations of knowing yourself, of level one leadership, if you are leading yourself, then you plan for when you need that break. You plan for treating yourself. You plan for pleasuring yourself in all ways. Yes, I mean sexually as well. Plan for it. Treat yourself, go for it. Whether it's the glass of wine, whether it's the date with the spouse, whether it's the vacation, plan for it. Pleasure. Add it in strategically in your life, just like you would do a quarterly report. Plan for it. And that's the distinction between this client realizing that, wait a second, am I avoiding what I know I need to do or am I giving myself what I really want and deserve? And ultimately the client knew as soon as they feel the crunch when it comes to the things they needed to do, they were actually avoiding what they needed to do versus giving themselves a break. So here's three steps. In order to have the pleasure while fully embracing our lives and still, still take uncomfortable action to get to where you want to go. Because it sounds like a contradiction in terms if we really want to give ourselves pleasure every single day. And give ourselves the pleasurable experience of life. And we want to delay gratification, so literally delaying pleasure in order to get the long term pleasure that we really want. How on earth do we do that? So here's how we do it. Number one, do what we just talked about in distinguishing between true pleasure and false pleasure. When you really enjoy something, then ask yourself, do I regret it afterwards? Do I tend to overdo it? Do I get deep fulfillment when I experience this pleasure? That's going to allow you to distinguish between true pleasure and false pleasure. And the false pleasure you want to make sure that you understand when you go towards that false pleasure. If you are going towards that false pleasure when you are overtired, over stressed, not taking care of yourself, then chances are that is what you need to do more of. Take care of yourself, sleep more, give yourself the pleasures of self care, the pleasures of loving yourself. So take a look at when the false pleasures come in. And then if those false pleasures are coming in and you're overdoing it over, indulging over, pleasuring, what are you avoiding in your life? What needs to happen that you're avoiding in your life? Is there a difficult conversation? Is there something that you really want to start, but you're uncomfortable in starting it? When you can see it, it's so much easier to have clarity and start taking action on what you really want, the pleasure you really want to take. So number one is distinguishing between true and false pleasure. Number two, increase the intensity of your true pleasure. If you have discerned that true pleasure comes in deep quality sexual experiences with your spouse, then increase that intensity. If you have discerned that true pleasure is in the most fabulous imported free trade dark chocolate that is specifically 85% and with cherries, then increase that pleasure. And when I say increase that pleasure, you, it might mean paying more attention, it might mean slowing it down, it might mean taking tinier bites and savoring. Really turn the dial up with pleasure. There's a friend of mine who's a chef who's gone through ultimate culinary excitement experiences and educational courses. And they described and there's two other people I know who have holistic food based training and they describe truly tasting food in a way that really, really breaks it down the palate, feeling the texture on the tongue, exploring it. And they describe the most amazing discoveries, the discoveries of really slowing down that food experience. And when they do that, dark chocolate may become a true pleasure. Whereas that Dorito which seemed like a true pleasure became a false pleasure when they Slowed it down and paid every ounce of attention to it. Then suddenly those textures and the flavors and what they're tasting is not ignored, but rather amplified, accentuated, and really, really paid all attention to. So when you discover a true pleasure, discover the nuances, turn up the dial, and really intensify that true pleasure. I am fortunate enough to be living and working for a few months on a lake. And being on that lake, I can. I notice, and I describe this to my daughter, the sparkle of the sun on the water when the water's moving. When the water's flat, the sun doesn't. It just reflects. But when the water's moving, not waves, not white caps, but just moving so subtly, so softly, and then the sunshine just sparkles magically off of the water. And that's me taking a pleasurable experience, something that's magical and beautiful, and dialing it up by noticing the details and looking at the details and seeing what else I can feel and discover in that moment. That is intensifying your true pleasure. So do it intensify that true pleasure by slowing it down, by paying attention to details, texture, flavor, whatever the pleasure is for you. And that is step number two. And step number three is planning for your true pleasure. So many people, I hear, want to be able to go with the flow and feel it in the moment. And I am all for that. And plan for your pleasure. Because so often we will tell ourselves that we're going with the flow and we want to make an impromptu decision and just see what strikes the mood. Whereas oftentimes that leads to a situation of making a decision that doesn't serve your future self and doesn't serve the future pleasure that you want to have for yourself. An example could be someone decides to invite you out and you decide to go. And then they say, well, let's stay out till 3am and party all night long. But you know innately that the next day you wanted to spend it with family and be able to get up early and go on a mountain hike. But in the moment, it feels really good to be out and dancing and late. But you might be compromising your future self. So if you didn't plan for it, remember, why didn't you plan for it? Why did you plan that night to go to bed early? Because you wanted the future pleasure of feeling the sunrise on the mountain. You wanted the future pleasure of being with the other person so closely and energetically that you could experience all of the things with the other person and that sunrise on the mountain. So even though the Immediate gratification. And that immediate pleasure was when it's not planned for. Ask yourself why you didn't plan for that. There's probably a good reason, but it doesn't mean that you don't go with the flow. That's going to be something that you do. But remember, you're looking for true pleasure. And if it turns into over drinking or over partying or over or staying up way late, then maybe that's not what you want. Maybe it is what you want, because you can certainly tell the stories of the most magnificent time partying in Europe or at the friend's wedding. And it was so memorable and so amazing. And chances are, you planned for that experience and it turned into something more fulfilling that you didn't imagine. But remember that the most incredible part of your brain, the part of your brain that is analytical, future thinking, decision making, and has emotional connection as well to your primal brain, that is your prefrontal cortex, and it is the thing that decides your future. It is the part of your brain that plans for you. And when you plan your prep, when you plan your true pleasure, you are literally doing an act of love for yourself, an act of love for yourself. And that creates future pleasure. That is true pleasure and deep and fulfilling. So to recap on those three steps, it's number one, distinguish in your life between true and false pleasure. You likely need a notebook. You likely need to take a moment and look back on your past week, look back on your past month, look back on your past year. Distinguish between the life you have now and the life that you used to have and what gives you pleasure now and what used to and, and which in your life in the past and the near and the now and the near past, which are true pleasures and which are false pleasures. Number two, increase the intensity of those true pleasures. We want more fulfilling joy in our life. Crank that up, enjoy it more, slow it down, pay attention. And number three, plan for your true pleasure. Create more of it in your life by planning for it and giving it to yourself and giving it to others. We want more of that in life. I cannot think of something more magnificent than more joy in people's lives. And pleasure will give us the gift of joy. True pleasure, that is, and this is typically for pleasure in the realms of food, physical pleasures, social interactions, money and achievement. Those are the top five categories of pleasure. Those are the things that we really, really resonate with when it comes to pleasure. So allow that for yourself and plan for it. And I'm not talking about the annual Vacation. I'm talking about every single day. Every single, single day you deserve pleasure. What does that look like? What is true pleasure for you? Every single day? For me, it's getting out in nature. For me, it's moving. For me, it's connecting with the loved ones. For me, it's enjoying that piece of dark chocolate. For me, it's eating magnificently healthy foods that I absolutely love. For me, it's taking a moment being with nature, being with my animals, my pets. These are true pleasures and true fulfilling joys in my life. And I want to create more pleasures, pleasures that I haven't experienced in my life before. And to do that, it creates delayed. It requires delayed gratification. So some pleasures I'm delaying so that I can have them in my future because they're not available to me right now. I would rather have a gloriously incredible nature retreat space for businesses and wellness retreats and families and events. I would rather have that in my future than overspending right now. I would rather put my earnings into something in the future that I want, that future pleasure than spending something on something frivolous now. I don't care if I don't get new clothes right now or a new car right now or go on an extra vacation right now. I don't care because I want that future pleasure of my vision coming to reality more badly than I want that thing right now. So I'm willing to find pleasure in smaller things that don't cost as much money in order to go for my future pleasure. I'm willing to delay the gratification on some things and not on others in order to have my pleasure now and my pleasure, my future pleasure that I don't have access to yet. Creating access in my future by choosing different pleasures now when it comes to financial decisions. But I can still have massive, incredible, true, fulfilled pleasure today by choosing it, by planning it, by scheduling it, by getting intentional about it and voicing it to other people. So I invite you this month to join us in our empowered team group coaching because we're going to dive deeper into this topic. How do you create more pleasure in your life on the day to day? How do you delay certain gratifications, very specific gratifications in order to get greater pleasure in your life. How do you actually intensify the true pleasure you have in your life? This is what we are exploring this month. If you're not on our empowered team group coaching experience, join us. I think you'll love it. And if you are enjoying listening to this podcast. If it gives you some level of education and maybe even pleasure, then pop us a rating and review. We really could use that support. This is a labor of love and we hope it serves you. Five star ratings is what we would love and tell us what you think. Give us some feedback so that we can keep getting better and suggestions for future topics. Have a wonderful rest of your week. Keep feeling that incredible true pleasure. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team is our group coaching and accountability program where we provide the tools, skills and community for you to grow your self mastery as a leader and optimize your results alongside other leaders. The Empowered Team runs year round to learn more about our leadership consulting for business and our Empowered Team Group coaching. Head to www the empowered CA empowered learn more that's www.the empowered.ca empowered learn-more we can't wait for you to join us. Let's go.