What We’ve Stopped Doing

This is episode 218 of the Empowered Team podcast. Welcome to the Empowered Team podcast where we explore how to optimize your performance in career, sport and life. And now your host, executive coach and life strategist, Kari Schneider.

And welcome to the Empowered Team podcast. Guess what, everybody? I am so excited. You know why?

Why?

Because I have you as as a guest on today. I'm back. This is so much fun.

It's been a while.

We get a rare cameo appearance with.

Oh, this is more in the cameo. Well, I don't see it full on.

Yeah, I guess so. Chat. Yeah, you're co hosting today.

Now you're hosting.

Isn't that co hosting?

Am I hosting though or just. Yeah, okay, I'll be a co host.

Oh, yeah. Hear the nerves. This is what happens when they haven't been on practice. Okay. We are doing an incredible topic today that I think is a little bit different than the ordinary reflection on the past year and plans for the new year. Instead, we're diving into what we've stopped doing in the past. And this could be from something we stopped doing two years ago or five years ago, but it basically encompasses what we don't do anymore. And I think that this is a really key topic considering the last episode was about the blueprint for 2023 and what typically happens when we plan and we blueprint going into a future year. We add more layers into our lives. We want to start doing something or accomplish something new. And what I find for us and what I find for a lot of the businesses and individuals that I work with is that achievers typically try and do more and more and more instead of stop certain things that just aren't working to free up some space not only energetically, but perhaps just time wise and all of those great things. So I thought I would share some of the things we either consciously have stopped doing or we have just evolved into not doing anymore in three main categories of life, in self, relationships and in career or your purpose or mission. So that's what we're doing today.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. Do you want to start or what do you. What's on your heart right now?

Well, one thing really quick that we stopped doing is fake Christmas trees.

Oh my.

Very important. We switched this year to a real tree. It was my first real Christmas tree experience and it was fantastic.

So to give smells good, looks good.

It'S just so great to have a real tree in the house over the holidays.

This is the true behind the scenes because you Know growing up way up north, we, I always had real Christmas trees and I, I ended up breaking down and buying a fake Christmas tree when I was a single mom and my tree one year had fallen down about three times and I don't know if it was. Yeah, funny. Haha. It was cut on an angle or whatever. And that year I went and bought a cheap post Christmas sale superstore tree. And that's what we've been using for at least, gosh, probably almost 18. I've used for probably eight, no, probably 17 years I've used this tree. And then we. It's been our tree for our family and I don't think we could have handled having a real tree with the chaos that our life brought say five years ago or.

Well, I'm glad we switched.

We're in a new home and it's awesome. It's awesome. Thank you honey for staying here.

That's it. That's all I got. That's why I've stopped.

Wow. Wow. So I'm really, I'm really managing my expectations right now.

Let's go, let's get into it.

Okay. So really, what do you want to start with?

I can start with a personal one.

Yourself?

Yeah.

Cool, go.

And it's these ones revolve around eating. So the first thing I've stopped doing, and this is in the last year is actually. This might sound weird to you listener, but it is. I've stopped eating cereal.

Dun dun dun dun.

For anyone who's known me for a long time, cereal is just a staple. And I'm talking boxed cereal, not curry, not Curry's, you know, homemade granola which is to die for. But just bought store bought cereal. It used to be a go to almost every single night I'd have a couple bowls of cereal. When I was playing as an athlete, I was having a ton of cereal, just loading up on any carbs I could and just, you know, eating five or six bowls of cereal a night. Then when I retired, trim that down. But I've just, yeah, kicked, kicked the habit in the last few months really in the last short span, but gotten away from cereal stopped in the past during our sugar free. If you followed Kari or the show for any length of time, you know that every September and sometimes earlier in the year we'll do March, March, we'll do a sugar free month. Yeah, those months each year have dropped cereal, but I've now dropped it for good. So.

So really for good. Is it like it's gone? You don't want to Buy.

Yeah, I don't want to buy it.

Because I've gone to the grocery store and then I've said, oh, what do you need? And we're empty on cereal. And I'm like, sure you don't. You still don't want me to buy cereal? No. So, out of curiosity, now, I know, or I think I know some of your upbringing, and my understanding is that it started when you were a kid as that being a go to snack for a really super active young kid. And then is that. Do you think that's what made it such a staple for you your whole life, or what do you think?

Yeah. Well, I liked it and I liked the variety because we'd have six or.

Seven kinds on hand, to be clear for people. Sorry, I don't mean to cut you off there, but people will visualize a whole bunch of cereal and you eating a lot of cereal, but it's not that you're eating a whole bunch of Fruit Loops and.

Oh, God, no, it's not. Count Chocolate.

Raisin Bran, Vector, Raisin Bran.

Cheerios, Crispy Golean Crunch.

Those would be the staples. Just right. Yeah.

But high in sugar. All bad for you, Just.

Yeah. And not. Not necessarily as high in sugar the others. But it's so processed, so processed, so refined.

And so, yeah, it was completely a habit, just ingrained and mindless. Go to. Instead of putting some effort into whatever I'm gonna be snacking on in the evening and mixing it up.

So what's it like for you now?

It's been okay. I've been, you know, in the summer, you know, I like to do kind of more of an avocado toast or some tomato stuff, tomatoes and cucumber on toast in the evening. Or I find I'm just grabbing a piece of fruit more often in the evening now.

You love eating fruit.

Yeah. So it's been an adjustment. Yeah. Toast with nut butter or things like that, you know, still the bread's still processed, but just the continuous stream of cereal is just too much. And it felt like too much of a habit. It wasn't a conscious.

You weren't the boss of that choice. Yeah.

So I had to drop it.

That's powerful.

How about you?

You keep going. I'll do Self, too, when you're done Self. If you have other ones for Self.

Well, that was it. I have more. But, yeah, I think under the purely self topic.

Okay. I got a few on Self. And you pointed this one out, too. It's ignoring my body's pain. So I've Stopped ignoring my body's pain. And I did that for a very long time. And it cost me a lot with my back. And. But within that, as a part of that is I stopped doing heavy squats. I stopped most Olympic lifts, and I stopped racing and competing. And those were really, really hard for me to do. But that's what was. That's. That was a necessary, important step for me to take care of some nerve damage and crushed discs that needed some recovery from all that wear and tear. And you picked something that you just recently, recently did. But some of these for mine are a little longer in the making. I have more than you on self here. You might think of some things. I stopped.

What about you?

Shut it. I stopped overeating. And what I mean by that is that there would be a time where, you know, we might come home from a restaurant and because the food was so good or because it was richer or different, I just wouldn't quite have the gauge on how much to eat. And we would get home and I would feel so sick, like, be lying there with a stomach ache because I ate too much food. And I'd hate that feeling. And then the next day feel sluggish because of the night before. I'd call it the food hangover. And I just. I don't have that anymore. And I notice it right now because of the holidays, because we've just come through Christmas and New Year's Eve was last night, and I don't. And we're having special foods, but the. And we may, you know, I may. I don't. I don't really know. I haven't weighed myself, but I may put on a pound or something over the holidays from eating more rich, either some more sweets or heavy foods. But I never feel that I will not have overeaten. So I won't have come through the holidays or have a point in there where I just feel so utterly awful because.

How are you not overeating?

I'm not relying on. I'm not relying on. I'm not relying on my body to cue me of, oh, you're full now. Because the food or the. Or the span of time or whatever might not be appropriate for that. What I mean is that I'm deciding based on what I see in front of me, based on what we're about to do, how much I know I need or don't need to eat. So I'm making a conscious decision. I'm not relying on how good the food tastes or doesn't taste, if it doesn't taste good. I'm not touching it. I don't care if, if it's not something that's a favorite of mine, like, get, get it out of my way if it's not, you know. So I'm deciding based on how very selective with your.

Yeah, yeah, like dessert choice or something. If there's a number of options out there, you won't just try everything just to try and choose what's good.

Yeah. Or for instance, you know that when we go out for dinner, we usually share some things on each other's plates, but. But I know that I might want to have 10 bites of something, but because I know it's so much richer than what we ordinarily eat, I know that I can only probably have three bites of that thing. Even though I want 10 bites, I'm not going to have the 10 bites because I know I'm going to feel so bad if I've inadvertently, accidentally taken in too many calories because it's so much richer than what we like, the bearnaise sauce or the, the whatever, you know, the extra butter, whatever is going on. So, yeah, I don't, I don't overeat. But that's also led to. I, I'm barely drinking any alcohol. And I love a good wine that you will pick. You're so good at, at finding some really well paired wines. And I love the wines that you pick, but I don't, I don't like a full glass of it because I'm not. I used to drink to get drunk. That's how I used to drink. And I don't, I don't care about that anymore. I care about the flavor of the wine or, you know, maybe just sharing something with someone. So what, it's, what's happened is that I don't care about. I don't want to get drunk usually. I mean, I might have the urge of, oh, it'd be nice to get drunk right now because I'm so angry or upset or tired. But no, I don't. So I don't really drink very much alcohol anymore. Another one for myself is you pointed this out that you know, that we don't. This is something that's been going on for a very long time that we don't use a lot of chemicals in our home or cleaning products with chemicals or things like that. But that led for years for me to make our own. Make my own laundry detergent and make my own dishwasher detergent. Well, I've stopped doing that. So I've Stopped using.

Stopped using chemicals and then making your own for years.

Stop making my own. Because I was traveling so much over this last year that something had to give. I can't. I couldn't do all the things for everyone when I was in Mexico for two months and Dryden for three months, and it just wasn't possible to do the same level of. Of home care that I used to do.

Well, the unbleached toilet paper that you're making was taking so much time and away we'd have no toilet paper.

Well, the bark that I peel off the trees out back. So, no, I stopped doing that. No. Yeah. So I wasn't making my own laundry soap or my own dishwasher soap anymore. But I was satisfied with what I found as being as clean as it could be compared to what I'd make and not cooking as much. And that stemmed as well from being apart from you. Because me and Maeve, if I'm just with Maeve in the summer at camp or in Mexico, when it was just her and I, we eat so much less than you do that I really like not cooking as much. So now he's funny.

I'm reading between the lines. You hear that I'm the problem here.

No, no. Well, the beautiful thing about that is that we get more variety because we go through food faster.

Nice, Dave.

Yeah, thanks. No, we get hellofresh, and it gives us lots of variety. And then usually we're either cooking together or one of us will cook it. You'll cook it, or I'll cook it. But, yeah, so that's good. And that's about it. I was gonna say one more thing, but we. We need to move on. So carry on. You go.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna give one that I've stopped something. I've stopped. Given up on relationships.

Oh, we're on relationships right now.

Yeah. I'm done with personal.

Okay.

I'm going down relationships.

I'm so excited because this is my favorite topic.

Well, this one I'm gonna. I think you'll agree I've. I'm working on this continually. But stop saying yes to everything, AKA pleasing. So I guess the full expression would be, I've stopped saying yes to everything without being aware of what I really want or need. So in the past, you call it a dirty yes, or it's, you know, begrudgingly agreeing to do something, and that was automatic for me because I wanted to just please keep everybody happy, not rock the boat, and at the cost of my own energy or sanity or what have you? It just ends up doing those things wears me out or puts me in a bad mood or doesn't fill my cup when it needs some attention. And so I've been working on saying no to more things not pleasing, and that's been great. And the example that just came up the other night after we had been talking earlier in the day kind of about this thing, was just, we walk the dog a lot. You said, hey, I'm gonna go walk the dog. Do you want to come? My default answer would be yes, because I feel I need to. Please. I need to be there with you, have that time with you walking. But I think I said about 18,000 steps for the day. I did not need a walk and didn't want to walk. I really just wanted to get to.

The couch, which is why I ask you in the first place. That's why I put it out there. Yeah.

You don't just assume. You're always asking, which is great. But I'm not in my best self, looking out for myself and just defaulting to the yes, being the yes man. And that's something that I'm stopped doing and working on doing even more with.

That's so powerful. And first of all, how did it feel the other night or any little moments that you've had? How does that feel to say no or to check in with what you really want versus the auto yesing?

Well, it feels good because. There's just that underlying that meh that's there when you agree to do those things that you don't really want to do. And even over the holidays, enrolling the kids more and prepping a meal or doing things like that, as opposed to just defaulting to doing some things for them to make sure they feel like they're having a great time here or, you know, it comes up in so many areas that it's truly amazing when you just kind of step back and look at it.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing is what you just said is that perspective. And it's so powerful, even. I mean, when we say the kids, four out of five of them are adults, and yet you especially would fall into just going back into the routines that we had when we had all the kids at home, which would be that we would make all the meals, but when we're making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for seven people and it's just the two of us doing all the things there, we don't want to do that. You know, like, we don't want to do all the things and so listening to yourself is so powerful because for what happens for me on my end of things is that if you've done the dirty. Yes. Or just auto trying to please the other person, me, typically, then something. I usually end up getting some sort of crusty, snappy version of you at some point. And it's because you've been trying to please at the expense of yourself. And then ultimately the result is that I end up getting the crusty version of yourself because you've, you've depleted so much.

Mm, yeah. Yeah. And so the other big one. All right. To move on to the next one.

Oh yeah.

So the other big one in terms of relationships is a relationship myself. And it's stop being such an a hole to myself and my harshest critic because there's all kinds of ripple effects that that has. So we're all tough on ourselves. We all probably say things to ourselves in our head that we never say to another person or no person would ever say to us. But if we've had a disagreement or an argument in the past, I would just be in my head beating myself up non stop. And in doing that, unable to even hear what's going on for you or what's really happened. And it shifts me into this huge defensive mode. And so I. And this is obviously a work in progress and I want to get much, much better at it. But I know that I've stopped defaulting to doing that right away and at least I'm able to stay present in a lot of situations and hear them out, even if I'm still needing time to process it. It's stopping that stream of poor self talk that just doesn't help anybody and doesn't improve the situation that I'm in. So it's, it's giving myself some grace and just stopping that and you know, letting myself know that, hey, you're gonna make mistakes. It's okay. Let's figure out how to make this one right. Or try to understand what happened here. But obviously work in progress. Each situation is different and charged in a different way. But that's another thing that I've given up is listening to that voice or even letting it run unchecked like it was in the past.

How do you catch that? Like, what's the. Because this is something that like you're pointing to with some other things. It's a long standing habit. And if you relate it to something like as, as menial as the cereal, you know, that's been going on since childhood, chances are some of the other things are too. How do you catch the stream or the like, you know how sometimes we can't hear it. It's happening but it's just so automatic that. Is there a way that you catch it that you can.

That's a good question. I. I don't know. I think it's somehow having the awareness that it's coming or as soon as something's off. If I feel like something's off with us and I come to you to try to address it, I'm also at the same time expecting that to start. So. So it's for you. I guess it's been a really slow process but it's you know, having the awareness that was going on. Like you would say to me so many times, you know, hey, I wanted to tell you something and I know you're going to beat yourself up about that. Like you pre frame it.

Yeah.

You know that it's.

Don't beat yourself up.

Yeah but it's. But literally that it's like oh yeah, okay. Yeah don't you know, just hear this and don't be hard on yourself. And it's so. And it's. I think it's gaining awareness of it after the fact first.

Yeah.

Then sometimes being in it and being aware of it and not being able to get out of it next.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then being in it and making it able to kind of go away for moments and then make it go away once you recognize it in the entirely in the conversation. And so it's been a really, really slow progression but I think that's what it would be was post awareness awareness during having some success at stopping it during and kind of building on that to it always comes up.

So that. That's. That's amazing.

But now at least recognizing it and having the counterargument ready as well I guess is the next key of just hey, no it's okay to make mistakes. This doesn't mean you're a bad person. Whatever fits kind of in the moment. But those kind of thoughts like replacing or substituting seeing the negative self talk and just replacing it with something that's more productive and not belittling myself.

The because it's relationship and because the examples you've given happen to involve me. What have I done or can I do to support that process for you? So have I done anything or can I do anything? And I just, I say that because I am sure that whoever's listening if you've been in a relationship that the dynamic with the other person likely makes can trigger that negative self talk or that beating yourself up in whatever way. And so is there anything I've done? I think you pointed to one thing that I've said. Okay, don't beat yourself up here. Or if we're talking about something, don't make yourself wrong here.

Yeah, it's really something for me to control. But anytime I've. You've changed your approach over the years of bringing things up, trying to find something that would work because I default to being defensive and reactive. And so you've been trying a million different things to unlock the secret, to be able to tell me that you don't like the way I've done something, and that's just normal in a relationship. But we have to communicate those things. And if I'm defensive and reactive, you can't. I can put you in a position where you can't. So you've experimented with a bunch of things, but I think when I feel, you know, your love, or, you know, when you're approaching something in a calm kind of way that allows me to feel safe and then recognize something that I did think, oh, you ask, why did you do that? Or how did you forget to do that? Will then pop into my head. But because I'm not feeling confronted aggressively with it and trying to deal with that at the same time, I can deal with what's popping up in my head because of what it is.

Mm. You're dealing with you. And. And I'm not to. It's not to say that. That everybody goes through these types of things, but we all have our versions of whatever that we're dealing with, so that's really powerful. Thank you for sharing that. Because I think that all of us beat ourselves up in some form or another, and it's such a waste of energy and it's such a waste of who we are and what we have to offer others that it's like, if we can get over something like that, then it's so all that energy can go to such amazing things. Greater relationships, greater connection. Who knows?

Yeah. Yeah. What do you got?

Are you done in relationships?

Yep.

Okay. Like, he's got one. I've got five.

I had two.

Oh, sorry.

But who's counting?

What was the other one?

It wasn't important to you, so it was forgotten already?

No, I was so immersed in what.

I was pleasing and saying.

Okay, okay, okay. Got it, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. See, this is what happens.

Don't beat yourself up. But I had two.

He's. He's going to go, who doesn't listen.

No, I know.

That's me.

I don't listen. Go on.

That's okay. You can use that against me, honey. Relationships. Okay, so I'm tolerating so much less. I'm not tolerating. I've stopped tolerating, being minimized. And this is something that's gone on in my upbringing, it's gone on in my career, it's gone on in almost. There's so many relationships that I've had where I've been in a situation where have either been talked down to. And I just try. And I have this standpoint of taking the higher ground and not not responding or reacting to it or. And so I don't. I'm at a space where I don't. That's not part of my world anymore. I don't tolerate it, and I don't necessarily get defensive or confront it. Maybe with you and I, I might, but. But in. In with other relationships. So whether it's family relationships or. Or friendships or scenarios like that, I've gotten much better at having grace with a situation and not acting behind the scenes like I have a chip on my shoulder, but really just understanding that that person may not know and they have their own experience of the world. And I may gently point out something different, but also hold respect for them. And I have. I gave this up when we had our relationship trip in Texas back in October over a year ago, which was making myself wrong or making you wrong or making others wrong. And that kind of plays into the last one. And it doesn't mean. So here's the thing that I've learned of over a year of committing to that. To stop making myself wrong or making others wrong or making you wrong is. It's an element of blame, essentially blaming myself, blaming you, blaming others. But that. That is something that has. It's like just realizing that I have. It means that it's working. Realizing that, oh, maybe I was in a process of making myself wrong or like you just pointed to beating yourself up then. But once I catch it, then, okay, yes, this is working. Just because I might have done it doesn't mean that I've failed on my commitment. It means that I'm in the process of getting better and better and better at not not doing the thing that was. Was a part of me or part of a way of being or habit.

Well, is the. Is the. I don't know what I want to call a replacement thought? But are you. Instead of making someone wrong, are you saying to yourself, he or she Is doing the best they can in the moment? Or is it that kind of a thought? Or are you letting go of blame and just being responsible for what you control? Only and largely.

Largely. And a lot of it. A lot of it might be along the lines of what their thoughts or their beliefs are. Are none of my business. Like, I don't. So going back to, like, they can have whatever thought they want to have. They can believe whatever they want to believe. It's none of my business. And how it affects me is up to me. That's my responsibility.

Yes.

And so one of the thoughts when.

I see you have all the power over.

Yeah. Over how I feel. Over. I'm not giving them my power by blaming them for some. Something in the world of how I feel, whether that's you or whether it's myself or whatever. And one of the thoughts that was very powerful for me this summer when I had some pretty intense interactions with a very close family member was someone else's issues do not determine my worth. And that thought really helped me when I was being wrongly accused repeatedly. I was being verbally attacked. And this was going on day after day after day. And I was trying to be a functioning human in my work world and my family world. And this was just coming at me day after day after day. And the thought that helped me a lot had to do with, you know, their issues do not determine my worth because I was in a situation where I would have. I would have not only made them wrong, but then made me wrong believing some of the things that they were either accusing me of or that they don't care about me or whatever. And then it. It just is so dysfunctional. And so that helped a lot. Yeah. So making myself wrong and others wrong. And then this is something. And the reason I say this and this isn't really a new thing. This has been there for a very long time. But I say it because there's so many parents out there that have. I don't want to just call it mom guilt. I want to call it parent guilt because it's dads, too. It's. It's whatever caregiver is in the family. And I've heard this from so many mothers, but this mom guilt of trying to do all the things and be everything and at every event and everything for the kids. And I gave up that level of mom guilt a long time ago because. And at first I didn't understand it when women would talk about it, because before you and I were together, the situation of having to provide for my child and be the mom and be the dad for my child, I was being all the roles, the caregiver and the provider and both parents and didn't have grandparents around, didn't have the other parent around. And so I was just having to do all those things because I chose that that's what I wanted to be for my daughter. And because that was the case, if I couldn't put her in every single activity or sport or if I couldn't be at every single school event because I was working, there was no guilt around it, because I just couldn't. It wasn't a possibility. And I knew how much I was offering her, and so I didn't have any guilt around it. So I didn't really understand that when people would talk about it so much, but I think it came up where. When people had the option so that they could stay home or they could go to work, and then when they chose to go to work, but then they had the guilt of choosing that over their child. And I never. I understood that a little bit more when, in a blended family, when I was. When it came to one child over another child, like, I might have gone to this kid's event and I missed that kid's event, and then I tried to get to that kid's event, and I missed that, and I just had to give that up because I couldn't possibly be in five different sporting events at any given time. And.

Do you want to be? No.

No. And that's the thing. It's. But it's. It's. But I ended up having mom guilt because of our blended family scenario where I started to feel like I wanted my stepchildren to know how much I cared and know how much I wanted to show up. And then I didn't want my own biological children to feel like I was favoring my stepchildren over them. And so it's like this. Oh, Lord. And now I'm just like, yeah, nope, doesn't matter. It's going to be up to what I. Because if I do what I truly want to do, showing up as the best version of myself for my whole family, every one of them. So if I do what I truly want to do, and it goes back to what you talked about in not trying to please, not dirty yesing, you know, and so I think that's. That's really. That's really huge. Yeah, I think. I think I'll leave it at that on that one. You want to go on to a little.

Little career, work all Right. What I'm. What have I stopped doing?

This is one of my favorite topics, too. Business.

Okay, well, this one.

Let's do it.

This is a good one. So this is. I've stopped doing things I'm good at.

Thank you. Hallelujah.

Oh, you like that?

Say it again.

No, because, you know, I stopped doing things that I'm good at.

Yes. So you know how much I say that the whole. Just because you're good at it doesn't mean, yes, you should be doing it.

And so for me, this was a huge one at work, being tossed into a leadership role. Start this year.

Okay, Can I just tell people though, too? It's. You were in a leadership role before.

Okay, so moved into the leadership role.

Right. You were. He was a director and now he's running the company as a CEO. And. And I say that because I don't want you.

But even in my old seat though, too, it's great job. The scenario. Thank you, honey. It's a scenario where there's lots of things I'm good at it help me get ahead at work, but to continue doing them actually holds me back from things that I need or the company needs or are most important. So I could. Might be the best person to review an RFP or to work out red lines in a contract, but the time burn that it is, even though I'm going to get it done the fastest, is stopping me from doing. Looking at another decision which will make a big difference for the entire company as opposed to forwarding one deal. And so if you being aware of where, I guess each thing that comes across your desk, you've done amazing talks and check back and former podcasts if you want to hear about this, about urgent versus important and those types of things. And realizing, do I want to do this because it feels good and I want to just task out here and complete things. Is that why I'm defaulting to this? Or should I be delegating this off, even though I'm going to be the one who can maybe do it the most quickly or to the highest standard and get it delegated, get it taken care of so that I can deal with something that's actually more important.

Oh, oh, mic drop. This is so good. This is so good. Oh, I. Okay, so I just want to emphasize doing this.

So this has been. It's been a game changer what I'm getting done because I was underwater for the first four or five months of this year with so many things to do. I hadn't backfilled My old position. So it was nuts. It wasn't good for me.

Oh my God.

It was literally unhealthy. And so really embracing this, saying no to certain things and stop doing the things that I was good at, as counterintuitive as that sounds, it should make sense at this point, hopefully to you that it has made a massive difference.

That is so bloody powerful. And thank you so much, so much for sharing your experience of that. Because then just some of the things you said, I can't afford the time burn. Even though I'm faster at it, I can't afford the time burn that that would cost because then I'm not doing the things that make a bigger impact for the company as a whole. Now that these are my recollection of how you said it, it's so powerful. And I want to reiterate that because for my clients, most of my clients are business owners, founders or leaders of some form or another, or the businesses that I'm consulting with. These are the exact problems that I am coaching on almost every day. And so you sharing that is so powerful. And we can point back to, I think, three episodes that can really support you in this. If you're experiencing what Paul just described. One would be the urgent versus important, like you just said. Another would be leaning on structure, and another would be triple vision. So those three podcasts, they're really short podcasts, but they can be very powerful in helping you get through. Because if you are a leader in a family, a community, a business, or in any sort of leadership role, this is, this is the crux of all of the problems that will come your way is the belief that, that you have to be doing something. And it actually, it not only costs the company like you just described, but it also tells the people around you that they aren't as. That you don't believe in them as much as you actually can.

Yeah, because it's definitely not that. It's not a reflection of.

It's just a speed thing they perceive. Because when you won't hand it off to someone else and you do it, then the action sends the message, non verbally that, oh, they don't think that I should be doing that. You empower other people when you hand them the thing that's been so valuable and you've been doing and you empower them when you hand that to them. And so that's so powerful. I love that that's the growth that you've come towards. Because, yeah, it just, it stresses you out as a leader. It doesn't allow you to lead effectively. And it costs you. It doesn't just cost you personally or in the business. It costs you. Sorry. It doesn't just cost you in the business. It costs you personally and at home because you're. You're stressed, you're spread too thin, and then everything is just too much.

Yeah. And it plays into my second one, which is I've stopped working at all hours.

Oh, I have that one, too.

Because this year it was weekends. It was every single evening. Yeah.

Especially when I was gone. Especially when I was gone.

Especially if I'm alone. I'll just work. Work the whole time.

Yeah, me too.

And that's okay. At different phases to be doing that. And that still happens.

Yeah.

But it's a conscious decision. That's the thing that I've stopped unconsciously just defaulting to getting on the computer after dinner and working through grinding out more. More emails or getting other reviews done or whatever it is and really shelving it where it really landed as like, hey, okay, I'm getting this. I'm actually starting to own this.

Yeah.

I was, over the Christmas break, submitted the annual forecast to our financial advisors, who then sent back a report to me, which kind of is a vision into the next five years of what's coming based on all the forecasts and expenses and, you know, sales forecasts, everything that's in there. And I didn't open it. The file came back to me on the 23rd in the evening, and I consciously did not open it because I knew if I did, I get lost in it. And the review that needs to take place of it before it's signed off on and held off until the 27th or something, and was able to really be present and enjoy the holidays with the family and not have that, you know, motor running in the background of work and thinking about those things and that. And then coming back to it with a clean, fresh head as well is so much better. The separation allows me to be better at work when I'm there, then constantly being there, but not fully there.

And. And that's the thing. How often have you or I kept the focus in our heads on whatever the work thing was and then that. Then that's what we're bringing to our family or each other, and we're not fully present to checking in or connecting or.

Yeah, we'll be walking the dogs and I'll be thinking about, yeah, a sales quota or something.

Totally.

And.

And we're still working through the problems and we can.

So you're not Getting me. I'm not getting you.

Yeah.

You don't feel heard and.

Yeah.

And it's not even great work.

No.

Thinking about what I'm thinking about. It's just half assed thinking of it and kind of seeing there's a problem here, but I'm not coming any quick solutions. Whereas if I'm focused on that during work hours, when I, you know, said, okay, I'm dedicating this time to address this, then you knock it out quickly.

Yeah, no, it's. It ends up being half assed for half assed work. Half assed relationship. Half assed. It's, it's, it's a, it's a low, low end.

It's a half assed kind of day.

It's a half assed. Yeah, let's half ass it. No, thank you.

So stopping that, what do you got?

Okay, that's fantastic. I love those. I love those. Yeah, let's be pumping the brakes some more here. So you pointed to dirty yeses a little bit. I, I am in the act of doing that as well. And what that looks like me watching.

Dirty Dancing would be a dirty yes. I don't want to watch it.

Yeah, see that's.

So if you said let's watch Dirty Dancing, I would give you a dirty yes.

So bad. Like, what made you think of Dirty Dancing? Dirty yeses. Okay. Anyway, but that's a great example because how often do we do that especially, especially in a close relationship or even as women in general as well. I'm not saying you're a woman, but I mean close relationships. So husbands and wives will do that for each other. Where we're gonna say yes to something we don't really want to do because we're compromising for the other person. But the reality, to be totally honest, like, oh, I'm not feeling that one really, that's a gift to the other person because they would rather know that that's not what you want instead of starting to think, you know, wondering because.

Why are you not having a good time?

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

Because it's about dancing.

Yeah. Because I, I have no interest in. Well, why did you say yes?

I don't care if somebody puts baby in the corner.

Then why did you say yes in the first place? Anyway. Okay, now I'm thinking of Flashdance. I just. Please. Why did you do that? Okay, so yeah, the dirty yeses. But for me, what that looks like is that if, if I can, if I can help a client, if I can help a business, then I want to Say yes. And I've stopped just saying yes because I can. Because back to the point of because I'm good at it, but rather will say yes if it serves the objective of the direction that the business is going. And if it doesn't, then I have to say no. I just had a client ask me to for a very specific request and I said no. And I wrote a fairly long email saying why. And. And ultimately they really respected that and they went forward with something that was in alignment with where I'm at and where the business is at. And that felt better to them because they had clarity and I have clarity. So that's a big one. Is not doing anything that doesn't serve the future of the business or of me because then people get the. They get a lower version of me. You pointed to working later, things like that. I still work in my mind a lot because I'm a creator and I'm a visionary, but I don't book clients on evenings or weekends. I spent many, many years working many, many evenings and many weekends.

Many early mornings.

Many early mornings. And now it's not that I still have coaching calls for our group, for our empowered team, but not all the time, not every single week. Not so pervasive into our evening time for our family. So in career, this is one that I think, think is a little bit about relationships within career. And it's this that I believe very much in a who, not how approach. And what I mean by that is finding the right person for the role. But as I've done that, what's happened is sometimes I've given them too much, too much leeway or belief or responsibility. So. So I might an accountant or a. Or an assistant or a marketing role. So then I know that they're more of a professional in that realm than I am. But then something has been missed or something has been not tended to. And the bottom line in business is that I am ultimately responsible. So I still have to know enough about accounting or know enough about whatever the task was or know enough about the marketing so that I can make the ultimate call. Because if I give them every single ounce of responsibility and then the mistake is made down the road, I missed my opportunity to know enough about it. So in the business world, one thing I learned, and this is from, I don't know if it was Keith Cunningham or Tony Robbins, but what it was is learn the language of that particular. I think it was Keith Cunningham. And it's that you need to learn the language. It doesn't mean that you have to be the expert in it. It doesn't mean you have to know all of the things. It means you need to learn the language so that you know about what the expert is talking about so you're not oblivious to what information they're delivering you. And then you can make more of an educated decision. So what I've stopped doing is stopped really giving all of the responsibility to the professional that's been contracted or hired. And we've learned this the hard way with accountants. We've learned this the hard way. I've learned it the hard way with various stakeholders, staff in different ways. And it doesn't mean that they did anything necessarily wrong. It means that there's.

Well, there could have been a misunderstanding, miscontext, they do something that they believe you wanted done. If you're not checking in on it to make sure you're both moving in the same exact direction, things get missed.

And it doesn't mean that I'm doing their job or micromanaging or doing anything like that. It just means getting my skills or understanding or language up to speed so that I can properly communicate or understand and get a most effective result. So that's that one.

That's a big one.

That is a big one.

That's been a huge one for me this year. Being in the CE role. You've got a. It's accounting. It's a more technical understanding to talk to the dev team and know what they're up to and understand timelines in a better way that just things I didn't need to know about my last role.

Yeah. And I mean, we've given accounting or specific, different areas as examples, but this can be in the areas of equity, diversity, different roles, new roles coming into a company. So it's. I don't think as a business leader, it's enough or a leader in any area. It's enough to anymore just to lead and delegate completely. I think that there needs to be some level of learning all the time, all the way along, whatever growth or evolution that occurs. It doesn't mean that you know all the things. It doesn't mean you understand all the things, doesn't mean you do any of those things. It means that you learn enough so that you can effectively understand, appreciate, delegate those types of areas. Ah, okay. I have another one. I have two more that I'd like to share, I think. Yeah. So one is following through at all costs. So I have such a high level of.

You're stopping following through at all costs?

Yes.

Okay.

You get It.

Yep.

So you know that I have such a high level of responsibility. It's one of my top five strengths. And to me, that's. That's my integrity, ultimately.

Yeah.

And so when I say that I am going to do something, I will follow through. I will make it happen. And then there's so many times where I've, you know, it's the. It still comes back to that one topic of pleasing. But this isn't about pleasing. This is beyond that. I'm not even looking to please them. I'm looking to do it right, be right. Almost like, be so solid in my word that no one can ever question that I would or wouldn't do that. It's more than pleasing another person. It's not even about the other person. It's more about me. It's more about me showing everyone how reliable I am, how responsible I am, how much you can lean on me, how strong I am. And so what I've given up is following through at all costs. Because sometimes what I'll find is that then at the end of the day, I've either exhausted myself, and then sometimes I'll even learn that whatever I'm doing for that other person, oh, they could have had it the following week or, oh, they needed to book that appointment, move that appointment anyway. And meanwhile, I had moved heaven and earth in order to make that thing happen. And I'm like, oh, wait a second. It wasn't that important to them. And I was treating it as though it was the most important thing. Now, this, for me, is teaching me as an individual and also my business about pivoting and adapting. And that, I think, is so important in this day and age when things change so very, very quickly. And so whether it's a business or whether it's an individual, that following through at all costs does not mean that if you don't do that, that doesn't mean that you're out of integrity. It means you still honor your word by saying, O. And this is the example with construction on the restoration of Wickcliff Lodge. It's that, you know, there was a point where we were very uncertain about certain finances. We did not know what things were gonna look like, and we made a conscious decision, okay, we're going to move forward in this capacity and make sure that we feel good about it and we're protected in this capacity. It doesn't mean it's gonna happen, you know, no matter what, or at the cost of our family or at the cost of our finances or whatever. And Then same thing with the Zenith retreat. That was something that was terribly painful for me to cancel. But I can still honor my word by letting anyone know who had either committed or was interested and communicate with them with authenticity and be honoring what's going to be right for you and I. And so me learning to pivot and adapt and still stay within my integrity and stay in communication and honor my word, it's basically me not being so rigid in responsibility and reliability that allows me to pivot and adapt and figure out ways to still stay in integrity with someone else.

That's a big one.

It is a big one for you.

I mean, knowing you and how you think that's a very, very big thing for you to stop doing.

And at the same time, it's kind of like with you in doing the things that you're good at, it's something that you think is so good, but it holds. It holds us back. Yeah, it holds us back from where we really want to go because we're.

So rigid of something. That sounds good, right?

It is. It's that it's. Yeah. I call it the shadow side. Or, you know, everything has some sort of shadow to it and high levels of responsibility. That's one of the shadow sides, the last one I want to point to. And it's something that I'm coming back to. I had really, from a career and business standpoint, I really stopped any social media. I had stopped posting on and posting on Instagram, posting on Facebook, posting on LinkedIn. I basically stopped all social media. And I'm about to go back into social media because I've learned how.

Get ready world.

Yeah, no, it's that I've learned. I stopped it because I didn't feel like I was. I do what I do. My business is in existence to serve people. And if I don't feel like I'm serving people and they're not benefiting from it, then I don't want to do it. And so that's what would pull me off of something like social media and being more present there. And now I'm learning a little more of how to do it in a way that I enjoy it. And I'm not. I don't tend to get sucked into social media. I have a high level of discipline around it. I'm not one of the people who end up doom scrolling for an hour and a half or something like that. Not that it's not possible, not that I'm never susceptible to that, but I just tend to go in and get out go in and get out. And now I'm learning how to be in that space with. So I guess what, I stopped social media altogether and now I've stopped. I will be back in social media, but I've stopped doing anything in there that isn't enjoyable to me and I'm not going to do anything on there that's not, you know, something that I'm in full agreement with or. And if it's not, it's just not going to be on there.

Nice. Yeah.

Not that I put anything inauthentic before, but I used to get bugged that, well, why am I doing this? I couldn't see the point. And now I want, I want to be able to do something on there that is fun for me but also very valuable to someone's life. So, yeah. So, okay, that said, any last words?

We've talked about all the things we've stopped doing. I just ask everyone out there to stop keeping the show to yourself and share it. Share the podcast with someone you love, a friend, family, someone you don't even know. Just send it out randomly. But no, seriously, if the show has made an impact on you, if you've learned something from a specific episode, share it. And have an amazing 2023 as well. That's another thing I'd be wanting to let people know.

Amazing. And if you're loving this show, feel free to rate it. We would love ratings, feedback and questions. When you put a question in, we are happy to answer. We're happy to research the answer. We love to do whatever it takes to have you have a better quality of life. Whatever you want to grow in, we want to help you. So have a fantastic start to 2023. As I like to say, this is going to be my best year yet. I've said that for the last few years. This is going to be my best year yet. 2022 is my best year yet. It was so good. 2023 is going to be the best year yet. So I hope that for you and may you really be able to reflect on 2022 and step into and create the year you want for 2023. All our love to you. If you enjoy listening to the Empowered Team Podcast, you'll love being on the Empowered Team. The Empowered Team runs year round. It is our group coaching and accountability program where we take mindset and physical performance concepts and break them down to usable action steps that optimize results. To learn more about our Empowered leadership coaching for business, our custom online physical training plans, and of course, the Empowered team group coaching head to www.theempowered.ca empowered learn more. That's www.theempowered.ca Empowered Learning learn-more.