In this TED Talk, Kathryn Valentine argues that women face a systemic disadvantage in negotiations, leading to lower success rates, higher risk of backlash, and negative personal consequences. She illustrates this with a personal story of a failed internship negotiation that resulted in her being escorted out of a Fortune‑50 building. Valentine explains that traditional negotiation advice is built for men and often harms women because it violates gendered expectations. She introduces the concept of a “relational ask,” backed by research from Hannah Riley Bowles, Linda Babcock, and Georgetown scholars, which reduces backlash and improves outcomes for women. Drawing on a review of 13,000 pages of academic literature, she presents a four‑part formula: past performance, future vision, the ask, and a collaborative question. The formula is designed to be quick to construct and aligns with relational negotiation principles. Valentine provides concrete examples of the formula in action for promotions and flexible work arrangements, showing how it leads to successful outcomes. She acknowledges the long timeline for gender parity (estimated 191 years) and dismisses the notion that AI will solve the problem, emphasizing that women must adopt tailored tools now. The talk ends with a call to share the formula with other women to collectively improve negotiation success and life satisfaction.
Chapters
I love negotiating. I love negotiating. Anyone else? More people! As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful and We're at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to miss out on opportunities, earn less, and frankly messes around with our mental well-being. Fun, right? We've all been there. There's something you want to ask for, so we stress about it for weeks. We prepare, we take all of the expert advice, and yet it never feels like we're coming from a position of strength. What if I told you that's because we've been given the wrong advice our whole lives? What if I told you there's another way, a better way, a more authentic way designed especially for women that will make you much more likely to get what you're asking for? I want to share a story. 10 years ago, I was an MBA intern with an opportunity at a Fortune 50 company, a company that I had had my eye on for years. I was doing really well in the internship. I actually finished my summer project in under a month. And I decided that my best bet would be to negotiate to be placed on another team halfway through the summer because that's how I thought twice as many people would vouch for me and I would get that job. So I made an appointment with the intern coordinator for Monday morning and spent all weekend preparing for one of the biggest conversations of my life. Monday morning arrives, and I walk into the coordinator's office at 10:00 AM sharp, ready to negotiate, just like the experts told me to. I was creased, pleated, and pressed to perfection. By 10:05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By 10:10, I was being told I was no longer a culture fit, which meant I wasn't getting that job. As an added bonus, per company protocol, I was then escorted out of the building by security and deposited on the sidewalk. My head was spinning. What just happened? It turns out I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte. That set me on a path to research the role of gender in negotiations because I don't want any other woman to be blindsided by the secret impact Gender has. Why? Because we continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that's what most expert advice is. That's what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk. Instead, you want to use what's called a relational ask. A relational ask is easily the most well-hidden secret in negotiation. Until now. Research by Hannah Riley Bowles out of Harvard and Linda Babcock out of Carnegie Mellon shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship. Research out of Georgetown shows that this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash. That means that you can feel free to ask for whatever it is you want. And you don't have to worry about all of those things that maybe would have happened because of your gender. Like the nerd I am, I have now reviewed 13,000 pages of academic research on this topic, and I used it to create a formula you can use to ask for what you want. The formula is past performance plus future vision plus the ask And then a collaborative question. This formula has been field-tested by hundreds of women over the past 5 years to get promoted, make more money, and craft careers they love. Let me show you how it works. Past performance is what you've already done that matters. Future vision is something that everyone in the room wants. The ask is what you want. We're going to connect that to the vision. And then a collaborative question is really just how we get out of our own ways. Because after coaching women on this for years, what I found is that women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable, we'll negotiate against ourselves. But it's okay if it's not in your budget this year. Don't say that. Instead, you want to use what we call a collaborative question. This formula means that it will take you 2 minutes to create your ask using everything we know about how to negotiate successfully as a woman. Maybe give you a few examples of how this works, right? So instead of saying, I deserve to be promoted, you would use this formula to say something like, as you know, I exceeded my sales targets by 10% last year. I think I can do it again this year, but in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think? The woman who used those words was successfully promoted. Here's another one. Instead of, I want to work less, you could use the formula to say something like, As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter, and it's getting great results. We can roll it out across the company next year, but in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I'm most productive. which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work? That woman no longer works late into the evenings. Now, you might be thinking, this isn't fair. I shouldn't have to deal with gender bias at all. You're right. And we can wait for gender parity. Estimates are it will only take 191 years. In the meantime, there are 79 million women who need tools to be successful now. Another one I've been hearing recently is, well, won't AI fix this for me? I wish that were true, and for a while I thought it was. Unfortunately, it turns out AI's strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which on this particular topic is what researchers call crap. Crap. Did you know that we make 35,000 decisions every day? As women, so many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people. What does my boss need? My team? My kids? But we only get this one life, and you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss. Not your parents. Not your partner. Not your kids. You. So let's ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about— your family, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues— so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love. Thank you. Woo!
