In this episode of the How to Live in Denmark podcast, host Kay Xander Mellish draws from her book How to Work in Denmark to explain the unwritten rules and legal framework surrounding romantic relationships in Danish workplaces. She outlines the strict Danish sexual‑harassment laws—limiting physical contact to hands and shoulders and prohibiting any implication that professional advancement depends on personal intimacy. Mellish clarifies that Danish dating norms differ from many cultures: both men and women can initiate, there is no “hard‑to‑get” game, and a clear “no” must be respected. She offers concrete strategies for expressing interest, such as using team lunches to gauge availability, proposing pre‑planned outings (since Danes schedule weeks ahead), and respecting private time. The episode also covers how couples typically keep relationships private for the first months, the cultural respect for privacy, and the special case of a boss dating a direct report, which should be reported to a supervisor or HR and may lead to departmental transfers. Throughout, Mellish emphasizes respectful behavior, clear consent, and awareness of Danish workplace expectations to avoid harassment.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. I'm so excited to announce that our new book, How to Work in Denmark is now available. It's about all those little unwritten rules that are part of the Danish workplace that it's taken me years to figure out. I made a lot of mistakes. I made a fool of myself. I've put them in the book so you do not need to make a fool of yourself. And hopefully, if you're thinking of working in Denmark or working in Denmark now, this will give you a leg up on kind of fitting into the Danish work environment. If you'd like a paperback copy of How to Work in Denmark, you can get it direct from our website at howtoliveindenmark.com or order it from any bookstore. The book is also available on Amazon, on saxo.com, on iTunes, and on Google Play. I hope you like it. This week's podcast is a chapter from How to Work in Denmark: Can You Date Your Danish Colleague? Many Danes meet their future spouses at work. Yet there are also strict laws in Denmark against sexual harassment. Where do you draw a line between harassment and— 2 adults developing tender feelings for each other? First of all, the obvious: you're not allowed to touch your coworkers anyplace they don't want to be touched. A good general rule is to stay away from everything except hands and shoulders. And you're certainly not allowed to imply that the people who work for you can enhance their careers by spending one-on-one time with you outside of the office. Furthermore, it's important to remember that the laws of romance common in many cultures do not apply to Denmark. For example, men don't always make the first move. A woman who is interested in a male colleague can also set things in motion. Also, Danish men and women do not play hard to get. If you sense that someone's going out of their way to avoid you at the team lunches or other social events, it's not because they want to intrigue you. It's because you're making them uncomfortable. Unlike in some other cultures, a no in Denmark really is a no. It's not an invitation to keep trying. With that in mind, meeting someone at work can be the start of a long and happy relationship. You get to know them in a relaxed group environment and see how they handle a variety of different situations and challenges. Given the Danes' fondness for alcohol, many interoffice romances start at the annual Christmas party. Ms. X and Mr. Y drink a bottle of wine or two, wiggle suggestively together on the dance floor, and depart to one or the other's home in a taxi to complete the evening. The next morning, they discuss whether or not they're interested in a future romantic relationship. If that doesn't sound like your style, or if Christmas is too far away, there are other ways to handle the matter. For example, if you have your eye on Mr. Y, you can use your team lunches together to find out if he's single and, if so, what he likes to do on weekends. If he likes professional handball— big in Denmark— Classical art, maybe, or monster movies? Find an event that's happening 2 or 3 weeks from now and ask if he'd like to attend it with you. Never ask a Dane to attend something with you last minute. They are not spontaneous people, and they often have their calendars arranged weeks, sometimes months, in advance. Even if Mr. Y says no, he now knows you're interested in meeting outside office hours, in what the Danes insist on calling private time. In other words, personal time. He can then ask you for a get-together outside the office, if he's so inclined. Alternately, you can wait a month or so and then ask him to another event. If he says no again, he's not interested and you should leave him alone. Further date requests could be seen as harassment. Most couples who meet in the office in Denmark keep their romance to themselves for the first few months. Some don't announce it until they have a major life event, such as moving in together, a wedding, or a baby on the way. Danes have a great respect for privacy, so even if your colleagues suspect there may be something going on between you, they're unlikely to bring it up. As long as you don't blow kisses to each other in the office or have screaming fights about who overcooked the previous night's dinner, they will do their best to stay out of it. Even colleagues that accidentally spot you two in local restaurants or movie theaters will usually keep it to themselves. The one exception is a boss dating a person he or she directly supervises. The boss half of this relationship should report it to his or her supervisor or HR after a month or so of loving togetherness, especially if the relationship looks like it could become long-term. If that happens, and the company is big enough, one half of the couple usually transfers to another department, or another team, or another company. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. You can get the How to Work in Denmark book at our website howtoliveindenmark.com. You can also leave a comment on this podcast there, or go to our Facebook page How to Live in Denmark, or you can follow us on Twitter at How To live and decay. The 2 is a number. Thanks for listening. See you next time.
