In this episode of the How to Live in Denmark podcast, host Kay Xander Mellish answers listener emails from men around the world who want to date Danish women. He explains that typical Western pickup tactics—direct approaches, buying drinks, flaunting wealth, or bragging about status—generally backfire in Denmark because Danes are shy with strangers and value egalitarianism. Mellish advises foreign men to frame their work in terms of social or environmental benefit, keep their appearance casual yet tidy, use only a light touch of cologne, and first enter a woman’s friend group by chatting with a male friend. He stresses the importance of a brief, socially‑oriented “speech” about one’s job, and recommends observing local fashion and grooming standards. Alcohol is highlighted as a key social lubricant that makes Danes more open. The episode ends with a teaser for a future episode on dating Danish men, promotional plugs for the podcast’s website, social media, and Mellish’s book on living in Denmark.
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Hi, and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. Before I get started this week, I want to reference a mail I received from listener Eduardo in the Canary Islands. He notes that the sound on these podcasts is often not very good, that the intro music is too loud and the voice is too soft. This is because I do the podcast from home, and I am a terrible sound engineer. I'm an okay writer, an okay voice, but I'm a really bad sound engineer. So if anyone out there is a good sound engineer and wants to help out, let me know at k@howtoliveindenmark.com. Anyway, Eduardo's mail was unusual. Much of the mail I get is on a different topic, one particular topic. Here's one from this week from Teddy in Ghana. I want to know if Danish women will date a Ghanaian man. I am very much interested. And one from Alex last month. Hi, I'd like to know if Danish girls would date a biracial Brazilian guy. And here's one from late last year. I'm a gay African-American male who would like to date a Dane. Any advice? Basically, a lot of the mail I get is from men wanting to know how they can get some action in Denmark. I can understand this. Danes are very beautiful, and I can tell you now, most of them will not immediately reject you because you have a different skin color. I know of several babies of mixed heritage here in Denmark. That said, male-female dating in Denmark is hard, even for the Danes, and it will probably be hard for you too. That's because the process that works in much of the Western world doesn't work in Denmark. In most parts of the world, a man will see a woman he likes and he'll approach her. He'll try to start a conversation. Maybe he'll ask if he can buy her a coffee or some other type of drink. If they're in a nightclub, he might ask if she'd like to dance or Maybe go outside and get some fresh air. These tactics will get you nowhere in Denmark. In fact, they'll get you rejected, and then you'll worry that you're being rejected because you're a foreigner. No, Danes are not good with strangers, any type of stranger. Generally, they don't talk to strangers. They talk to their friends. I'll tell you how to get around that in a minute, but first let me tell you another thing that will get you rejected. I'll call it Manhattan behavior because it was the way people dated when I lived in New York City. Men would tell a lady how much money they made and how much money they were going to make and how much power and influence they had and how expensive their watch was. This will get you nowhere in Denmark. First of all, if you have money in Denmark, the government's going to take it away. The tax department will have your number real fast. Second of all, Denmark is a very non-hierarchical society, very flat structure. I think it's fair to say that most women would prefer a man with a steady job, but saying you have a top management position just means that you have to spend a lot of time working and not as much time with your family and your friends. That's not very Danish. So instead, if you want to impress a Danish woman, talk about how your work benefits society at large. Particularly how it benefits people who don't have a lot of resources. For example, there are a lot of foreign engineers in Denmark. Don't tell a girl, as I have seen done, yeah, I'm an engineer, it's pretty boring. No, say, I'm an engineer and I'm helping people in developing nations access clean water. Hmm, pretty good. Another way to impress a Danish woman is showing how your work benefits the environment. I'm a petroleum engineer. My job is to rethink drilling to minimize the danger to the environment. Hmm, sounds great. Creative industries like design and digital media and video are also popular in Denmark. Whatever you do, frame it in a way to show how it's helping people. I really suggest guys prepare a little speech about this before they start to meet women in Denmark. 2 or 3 sentences. That's all it takes. As a matter of fact, if you're hoping to meet women in Denmark, do a little preparation beforehand. For example, check out how the local guys your age have their hair cut and what they're wearing. I've seen foreign guys in nightclubs with business shirts and kind of shiny business shoes on, and they're getting nowhere. Do some reconnaissance first, maybe some shopping. Danes are casual but not sloppy. And light on the cologne, guys. It's actually not necessary at all in Denmark, but if you insist, use a very, very light touch. Now, as I promised, back to how to meet women in the first place. Danes, as I mentioned, aren't very good with strangers. They talk to their friends. What you need to do is come into their circle of friends. I suggest talking to one of the guys in the group. Talk to him about sports, the DJ, how you know the host if you're at a house party. And after a few minutes of chatting with him, you can ask him who that girl in the brown jacket is and if she's here with a boyfriend. If she's available, now you know the lady's name and she's seen you with someone in her group, so you're not a complete stranger anymore. Go over and introduce yourself and say you hear she's a petroleum engineer whose job is to rethink drilling to minimize the danger to the environment, and that's fascinating because you really care about the environment. And I think you can take it from there. This is somewhat how the Danes do it themselves, except there's a lot of alcohol involved. Basically, Danes go through all the same steps, but they're very shy, so they do it while drinking a bottle of wine or sometimes a bottle of vodka. If alcohol vanished from the earth, so would romance in Denmark. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. Next week, we'll look at dating from a female perspective— dating Danish men. If you disagree with what I've said today, let me know on howtoliveindenmark.com or on our Xander Mellish Facebook page or on Twitter at @howtoliveindk, the 2 is a number. Music arranged by George Garvis. See you next week. Remember, the How to Live in Denmark book is available for download on amazon.com. You can read it on any phone or tablet. All you need is the Kindle app, and the Kindle app is free. The book's not free, but it's not very expensive either. If you read the book and enjoy it, please leave a review on your local version of amazon.com. It helps other people find the book and find the podcast.
