16 Feb 2014 · 5 min
Kay Xander Mellish explains why Danish men don't perform traditional romantic gestures like opening doors or buying flowers. They're passive partners who expect women to be equally independent, a stark contrast to Western dating norms. In one story, a woman saws a fallen tree while her Danish boyfriend watches.
Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. I know I promised to tell you about dating in Denmark from the woman's perspective this week. And I will, but first I want to tell you a related story about a movie I saw this week. It was the latest in a long-running Danish series called Father of Four. The series has been running since the '50s, and as the kids grow up, they just replace them with new actors. Anyway, in this latest episode, there was a romance. The oldest sister, who's about 20, meets a handsome young man with a guitar. What struck me watching the movie was that the male romantic lead was visibly shorter than the female lead. I'd say at least a couple centimeters shorter, maybe an inch. Now, in Hollywood, they'd have that guy standing on a box to look taller, or have the actress standing in a hole to look shorter. But in the Danish film, there was no attempt to hide it. They had them walk side by side through a meadow. I have to admit, I couldn't focus on the love scene. I kept thinking, he's really short, or maybe she's really tall. In Hollywood or Bollywood movies, the male actor is taller because he's supposed to be in charge, the dominant figure. But that's not true in Danish romance. The man is not in charge. This means a lot if you're a foreign woman dating a Danish man. He's not a French man who will pursue you to the ends of the earth. He doesn't send flowers. He doesn't buy chocolates. He doesn't take you in his arms and kiss you until you're breathless. If you are a romance novelist, the Danish man is not your dream man. If you're a feminist, the Danish man is your dream man. He will cook and help with the housework. He will take being a father seriously. He'll spend time with his kids, and he'll take your opinion seriously. He doesn't force himself on you. In fact, you may have to force yourself on him, but if you do, he'll usually be very grateful. Why are Danish men like this? I've asked my Danish male friends, and they say they're reacting to Danish women. Danish women, they say, like to do things for themselves. They don't want some clown opening the door for them or helping them carry packages. They can carry their own packages. My Danish male friends say that after offering to be chivalrous a couple of times and getting turned down in a nasty manner, they don't want to do that anymore. So the Danish male approach is largely passive. They wait to see if the woman is interested. I get a lot of mail from non-Danish women trying to figure out if the Danish man they're dating is really interested in them. He's really happy when I call him, but he never calls me. I honestly don't know what to tell them. I mean, I come from a culture where men whistle at beautiful women they don't even know walking down the street. When I first moved to Denmark, I thought I'd stopped hearing whistles because I'd aged out of the whistle target group, but I've since established that beautiful young women here don't get whistled at either. Danish men do not want to offend women. Now, I'm a modern woman, and I like a lot of things about these modern men. But they can occasionally err a bit on the soft side. For example, a few weeks ago we had a big storm in Denmark, and it knocked down some large trees. Before the local government came to collect them, some people were sawing off bits for free firewood, or to make furniture, or, you know, other arts and crafts projects. On our street there was a very large tree down, and as I was walking by that Saturday, I saw a young couple trying to take part of it home. This small, slender young woman was sawing away at this big tree with an old-fashioned manual saw, while her boyfriend was just standing there, smiling, with his hands in his pockets. Now, I don't know what was going on. Maybe he had a back injury. He was about 25, so maybe he had a very youthful back injury. Maybe he was a professional hand model and couldn't risk his fingernails or cuticles on a messy metal saw. Or maybe he was a big wimp who was willing to let his girlfriend saw a giant tree stump while he stood there acting like a giant tree stump. Who knows? And that's how to live in Denmark this week. Tell us your stories about dating in Denmark at howtoliveindenmark.com, or join our Xander Mellish Facebook page, or follow us on Twitter at howtoliveindk. The two is a number. We don't have a sponsor this week, so if you want to sponsor us next week. Let us know. See you next week. Remember, the How to Live in Denmark book is available for download on Amazon.com. You can read it on any phone or tablet. All you need is the Kindle app, and the Kindle app is free. The book's not free, but it's not very expensive either. If you read the book and enjoy it, please leave a review on your local version of Amazon.com. It helps other people find the book and find the podcast.
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