In this episode of the How to Live in Denmark podcast, host Kay Xander Mellish shares practical cultural guidance for international students and newcomers arriving in Denmark. She explains how Denmark’s strong egalitarian ethos manifests in everyday interactions—first‑name usage for professors, doctors, and even royalty, the disappearance of formal titles and pronouns, and the expectation that elders also prefer being called by their given names. Mellish discusses the quirks of Danish customer service, where extreme equality can lead to disengaged staff and a dislike for pushy sales tactics. She addresses misconceptions about the ubiquitous Danish flag, clarifying its role as a beloved national symbol rather than a political statement. The episode then delves into birthday customs, highlighting the norm of providing cake and drinks, the minimal expectation of gifts, and the special importance of “round” birthdays (20, 30, 40, etc.) that warrant elaborate celebrations. Throughout, Mellish uses anecdotes from students from Nepal, Indonesia, and other countries to illustrate how these cultural nuances can surprise newcomers and offers concrete advice on how to navigate them respectfully.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. Fall is one of my favorite times of year. Because it's time for one of my favorite types of speaking engagement: introducing Denmark to some of the smart, motivated young people arriving from around the world to study at Danish universities. The university administrators have wisely decided that another foreigner might be best suited to explain some of the quirks of Danish culture when welcoming newcomers to Denmark. So since the publication of my first book, How to Live in Denmark, I've been speaking regularly to audiences of new arrivals. And I probably learn as much from them as they learn from me. One of the things I've learned is that the aspects of Danish culture that the Danes are most proud of can be troublesome for newcomers. For example, the Danes are proud of their egalitarian society and informality. But this can be daunting to someone who has grown up in a more stratified, hierarchical society where titles are important, like China or India or Germany. Using first names to address professors, doctors, and prime ministers can be uncomfortable for newly arrived students who have been raised to honor seniority and position. In one Q&A session after one of my speeches, the type that's usually marked by pointed questions about how to successfully date a Dane, a student from Nepal stood up and instead asked me, how do we show respect for the elderly in Denmark? In Nepal, he explained, there was a virtual treasure chest of words and customs and means of address designed to honor senior citizens. But he'd been unable to figure out how to do this in Denmark, where he was shocked to find older people being called by their first names. That was a tough one for me. The elderly want to be called by their first names in Denmark. I tried, but I'm not sure he was convinced. He seemed disappointed. I've also had the sad task of telling foreigners who have taken the time to learn a little Danish that they must throw fru Herr and Fröken in the trash, never to be taken out again. This is also true of the formal pronoun det, the equivalent of the German Sie, the Spanish usted, or the French vous. These formalities have mostly died out in Denmark. That's unless the newcomers get a chance to meet 6th in line to the throne, Prince Joachim. Who reportedly insists on them. Although his older brother, first in line to the throne, Crown Prince Frederik, does not. To be fair, de is making a minor comeback among the employees of fancy grocery stores, which seem to think it is a sign of excellent customer service. Would de like a register receipt? Are de a member of our loyalty program? Customer service is always a tricky subject in Denmark, where the Danes' extreme commitment to total equality can mean that nobody really wants to serve anybody else. This can result in unenthusiastic, unengaged, or downright sour interactions with Danish customer service personnel—something even the Danes complain about. Customer service is one thing, but the Danes have little patience for the aggressive salesmanship seen many other places in the world. They don't like to be sold products. Their least favorite thing is a pushy salesperson. When they enter a shop, they like to be left alone until they've chosen what they want or until they approach the salesperson with a specific question. This confuses newcomers who enter a shop and think that they're being ignored because they're foreign, because they're dark-skinned, because they wear a hijab, or because they're American. I explain to them that everyone gets ignored, and that is how the Danes like it. Speaking of my fellow Americans, they can be the most tiresome of newcomers, or at least some of them can be. Those with a strong left-wing political bent often believe they have been set off into the world to spread the gospel of woke, much like 19th-century missionaries bent on converting indigenous peoples. One thing that irks these modern-day missionaries is the prominent display of the Danish flag. They compare it to the display of other national flags, which they find right-wing and racist, and don't understand why the Danish flag shows up on Christmas trees and party invitations and birthday cakes. But the Danes like their flag, which according to legend is the oldest continuously in use anywhere in the world. And displaying it, whether in cloth, paper, or frosting form, is an important part of Danish birthday culture. Danish birthdays are some of the most important in the world. Few people of any age let theirs pass by without some kind of small celebration. In Denmark, you provide the cake and you buy your friends drinks to celebrate your birthday. In many countries, it's the other way around. But waiting and hoping for your Danish friends to buy you a cake can result in a sad, lonely day. When a friend has an ordinary birthday in Denmark, you're not required to buy a card or give a gift. Just showing up to enjoy the cake or beverages your friend has provided is enough. Unless, of course, it is a round birthday. Now, round birthdays— when someone turns 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, or 90— are a big deal in Denmark. Elaborate parties are thrown, with invitations issued to friends and family members who haven't been seen for years. If a Danish friend invites you to his or her round birthday event, this is a deeply felt compliment, and you should dust off your finest attire and go. Not all foreigners get this advance warning about round birthdays, though. One Indonesian fellow told me he'd happily attended a Danish friend's 27th and 28th and 29th birthday wearing jeans and a t-shirt and bringing nothing but a case of beer under his arm. He did the same for his friend's 30th birthday, only to find himself surrounded by cousins and aunties and old school friends in elaborate dresses and crisp business suits. It's always good to get a little training on Danish cultural quirks, even if it's only from another foreigner. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. Come leave a comment on howtoliveindenmark.com or follow us on Twitter, howtoliveindk. The two's a number. Or on Instagram, same thing, howtoliveindk. You can now buy How to Live in Denmark t-shirts. Just go to our website at howtoliveindenmark.com. It's done in cooperation with Spreadshirt. Well, thank you for listening. See you next time. See you next time.
