Why Danes Find Compliments So Awkward

Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. A story I've heard over and over again when I talk to internationals working in Denmark is that they thought they were going to get fired. They'd been working for a year or so at a professional-level job in Denmark, often one they'd been recruited for, but they'd never heard any positive comments from their manager. They started to worry. They were doing their best, but maybe it just wasn't good enough. Were they going to lose their job? Were they going to have to go back home, humiliated, and explain the whole thing to their friends and family? This was what was on their mind when they went into their annual employee review with their manager. They were expecting some pretty bad news. Instead, They got a promotion and a raise. Their manager thought they were doing great. But the Danish approach to employee feedback is generally no news is good news. You have a job, you're doing that job, we'll let you know if there are any problems. Positive feedback is uncommon in Denmark because Danes themselves are are often uncomfortable receiving compliments. Compliments run smack dab into the Jentelov, which says specifically, don't think you're better than us. When you give someone a compliment, you lift them above you, if only for a moment, and that disturbs the equality— or at least the facade of equality— which is so important in Denmark. So compliments are not a natural thing in Denmark, either on the job or in your personal life. I was once invited to a party in Denmark shortly after I arrived here, and since I was eager to look my best, I invested in what I thought was a very chic dress. I went to the party, wore the dress. It was a good party, but Nobody said anything about my dress. Speaking on the phone to a friend the next day, I said something along the lines of, yeah, it was a really good party, but you know, nobody said anything about my dress. Oh, it's a lovely dress. We were all talking about it, my friend informed me. I was confused. Why didn't anyone say anything to me? I asked. She laughed. Well, you already knew you looked good. When they do receive compliments, Danes often get flustered because they don't know what to say in response. Or they even get suspicious. Why is this person giving me a compliment? What do they want? On-the-job honors can also make Danes uncomfortable. Why should I be elevated with a special award when I'm really just part of a team? International managers often come to Denmark assuming that awards like Employee of the Month will be motivational, but the Danes find them cringy. It makes them squirm. Being lifted above all the other employees is awkward and embarrassing. Even if you deserve it. Now, this was difficult for me as an American. I mean, we are the country that invented cheerleading. We love to rain down compliments for business and pleasure. Danes find this insincere and superficial. If they get or give a compliment, they want it to be deeply thought out, have meaning. And that means that if you do get a compliment from a Dane, they really mean it. It comes from the heart. But on a daily basis, and in particular in the workplace, Danes feel needing a compliment is rather childish. You're an adult professional. Why do you need positive feedback? Why can't you just do your job? Which doesn't mean that children get an overflow of compliments either. When my daughter was young, I went to pick her up at kindergarten, Bönehave, and she was in the middle of a game with her friends, so I decided to wait around for a few minutes while she finished up. There was a younger kid there by the sandbox, not even a year old. He was holding onto the sandbox, trying to pull himself up to a standing position for the very first time. So I encouraged him. Come on, I said. You can do it. Keep going. You can do it. You can stand. He was having a lot of trouble. His little legs were still very rubbery. But he was a persistent fellow. He kept going, kept trying. And finally he was standing. Yay! I said, clapping for him. Good for you! The Danish female care worker nearby Wasn't quite as impressed. I think he knows he's good at standing," she said. That little boy had just had his first brush with the antelope, and the culture in which praise or too much praise can lead to an unacceptably swelled head. That's why compliments, which the Danes call ros. Spelled similar to rose, the flower, are a rare bloom in Denmark. Getting them, or giving them, makes most Danes feel awkward. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. You can buy our books, How to Live in Denmark, How to Work in Denmark, Working with Danes: Tips for Americans, Working with Americans: Tips for Danes, and Top 35 Mistakes Danes Make in English. They're all available on Amazon, Google Books, Apple Books, Saxo Books, and at books.howtoliveindenmark.com. You can also book me for a presentation to your group or organization. I love to travel all around Denmark, all over Europe. I've just come back from Estonia. Book me, I'll be there. Tailor speech to your organization. See you next time.