In this extended monologue, the speaker (SPEAKER A) opens with an apology to podcast host Katrin Becker for misnaming her show, emphasizing the importance of accurate acknowledgment. They recount recent participation in the Philadelphia CMT Walk & Run, honoring long‑time neurologist Dr. Steven Scheer, and describe the deep sense of community and volunteerism within the CMT organization. The narrative then shifts to personal anecdotes about being judged for material success, experiences of redlining and a denied business loan, and the frustration of moving goalposts in bureaucratic processes. The speaker reflects on their lifelong journey through martial arts, ongoing professional development via NASM certifications, and insights gained from rehab about anger being rooted in fear of success. Themes of authenticity, gratitude, and a commitment to helping others surface throughout, as does a critique of negativity and a desire to spread happiness. The speaker concludes with a hopeful outlook, acknowledging past challenges, expressing gratitude to supporters, and promising future content creation.
Chapters
I want to start off apologizing to Katrin Becker. The reason why is because when my dad and I were on her podcast, I didn't say the name of the podcast correctly. I mean, there are many people that say, well, because I gave her a name as well, you know, they were able to find it, but it really is important to get the right information. Her podcast, The Good, Bad, and Ugly Business by Katrin Becker, you know, was a phenomenal experience for my dad and I to be on, and I wanted to make sure that anyone who is interested in seeing that particular broadcast and the many others that she has, that they go to the right place. It is important as, as an email, you know, you can have one number or one letter off on an email and the person you're trying to contact never receives that email. And the same dynamic with a phone number. You know, phone numbers are 10 digits, but if they're not in the correct order of that person's phone number, then you'll never get a hold of them no matter how many combinations you use if they're all wrong. So I'm always aware if I make a mistake, I want to make sure I take the steps to acknowledge that mistake, and I apologize for the mistake, and I hope she forgives me for it. And at the same time, you know, take accountability for what I did. You know, people take the time to put together a certain dynamic, whether it's a podcast, whether it's a program, It could be just their name itself, and it's important to them to be recognized for what they do or for who they are. And I want to make sure that I do that. That's, that's important to me to do that because that's just the kind of person that I am. It leads me into this past week. This past week has been pretty dynamic. A little more than a week ago, I had the honor of being a part of the CMT Walk and Run over in Philadelphia— over in Pennsylvania. It was the Philadelphia CMT Walk and Run, but it was held over in Media, PA. At Ridley Creek State Park. What made this, this year so unique is we were also, you know, wishing a happy retirement to the head of neurology because Dr. Steven Scheer, who's been my doctor for more than 24 years, has been just instrumental in so many people's lives in helping them to understand CMT, helping them with the diagnosis they received, the information that they gathered, and just being just one of the best professionals that I've ever been around. When he talked to you, you could tell how much he cares. And when he recommended something that you do, even if I didn't agree with it, it was because he cared. And that's the kind of people that I enjoy being around the most. And don't get me wrong, I'm around some characters. And some of those people that I'm around, no one else likes them but me. But it's because I see the good in them. I see the humor in them. I see just who they are for being who they are. And other people may not appreciate who they are. But I mentioned before, I don't go around taking polls and surveys to see how everyone else feels, and I guess that's why I have so many branches on my tree. When I was at the CMT event, it was so great to see so many familiar faces and be a part of the team that helped put that together. And once again, I forgot to take my phone out to take pictures. I do have pictures, and I'm grateful that they were sent to me, and there were other pictures taken that I'm included in. But I get so caught up in just being there that I don't think of grabbing my phone to document it. It was just a special day for me to be there with so many people that I just love and care about, and to meet so many new people like Gavin. Who's gone through his share of twists and turns with CMT and needing surgeries for different things. And his energy just inspires me to do more. That is the kind of person that I kind of gravitate to. To not only, you know, be around, but also to learn from. Because there are times when we all get a little down, and then there's that person that you're like, "Hey, you know what? I remember that person and what they said that day or what they did that day." And it kind of helps to lift you up. I am very proud of the volunteer work that I do and that I have done because it's not something that I ever did to look for recognition or to put on an application or to boast and brag about. And I always encourage people to do charity work. And volunteer work, however you want to, you know, phrase it, just because. And you have to do it because you want to. You can see through the people that are there because it looks good, and you can see through the people who really care And one of the things that's been consistent about everyone that I've ever been around with the CMT organization is these people care. Not just about themselves, but they care about everyone that's around them. And when you meet them, it's like meeting a new family member. And that's how they've always made me feel. So because of that, I just do everything that I can to be involved. And sometimes I get a little distracted along the way and I get started on something with them and then I end up bailing out because so many other dynamics are going on. And I apologize for, for that. But anytime I can be involved with them, I I, you know, I'm there. You know, if I ended up one day doing more for them, I'd be open to do that as well because I'm constantly meeting people and I'm gonna stay in that unit of CMTers. That they don't realize their value. I see the struggles and I see the concerns and I see the loss of hope that they, that they have. And I can hear it in their voice. You know, they, they feel that however their life is, is as good as it gets. And when I hear that, sometimes the right words to say are nothing. And the reason why sometimes it's the right words to say is because at that time, words of encouragement isn't— are not something that they want to hear. But you learn that by listening to them. And then when you dig deeper, you learn that the reason why they say this is as good as it gets is because of how much they've been through before. They're happy where they are, and I respect that. And it's— the age range doesn't matter. I don't, I don't want anyone to think that, okay, when you get older, you just figure that's the way it is. No, it isn't that. It's just that that's where they're at peace. If they want to do more and they say, you know what, tell me more about this, I'm open to do that. But I don't believe in just pushing myself on them and saying, well, I know you can do more, so let's get out here and do this or that. You know, that's not who I am. And it's funny, you'll hear me say that a lot. It's funny because it's funny to me. There was someone, not at this event, but in the past from CMT that said, I think you're the right person to learn from. I said, why? He's like, oh, I can see you'll get me going and you'll get me aggravated, you know, get me motivated. I almost said aggravated, but probably I'll do that too. But get me motivated and, you know, get things going in a way that I never thought I could. I feel that you're the person to do that. I said, well, I could be, but tell me what you want from me. And they said, oh, well, I need you to come in there and just get me fired up and to get me going. And, you know, just stay on me, you know, just stay in my ear and And I said, well, I'm not the right kind of person for you. And they just stopped. And they're like, no, well, that's what I need to get going. And I just tell them, I'm not the person for you. And they said, why not? I said, I have friends like that. I used to go to the gym with them and it's like, you know, we're blasting out reps. And you get to that one where you're struggling and you're yelling like, "Come on!" And they're, "Come on!" You know, and you know, they're high-fiving and chest-bumping and all that at the end. I'm the opposite. I don't like anybody yelling at me. That doesn't motivate me. So I don't have that teaching persona that I'm revving people up to get them going. I look at it as if you're on the floor, you're ready to go. Now let's get going. And I actually have a calm approach to what I do and how I do it, because what I've learned with me, the calmer I am, the better I flow. And I emphasize that when I teach. I do what I can to keep people calm. If they get elevated, I'm, I'm cool with that too. But the elevation is going to come from them. It's not going to come from me when it comes to amplification of how they express, express themselves. That's not who I am. I'm not that guy, but I will get you going. I don't believe in yelling at people to get them going. If I'm yelling at somebody, it's because I'm angry at them, which is very rare, but That's hard. That's difficult for me to do when I train people, when I work out with people. It's difficult for me to do. The reason why I talk about this is because I've had some conversations with people during the week that have been just quite intriguing. And one of the conversations that really stands out is when someone said to me, and I've heard this before, but they said, you know, don't you think you've done enough? And I asked them, I was like, in what way? Done enough what? Don't you believe? Don't you feel that? Okay, look, you've been in it for more than half a century in martial arts. You've achieved so many things. You have so many awards. Now you're a published author, you know, an international bestseller. And they go down the list and they say, don't you think you've done enough? And I said, well, 'Let me think about what you're saying. No.' And it's almost like I offended him. It's like, 'What do you mean, no?' I said, 'Well, if I thought I had done enough, then I guess I wouldn't be still on the journey of reopening my school.' I guess I wouldn't be back in school to learn more, that, you know, things that can not only help me as an individual, but me as an instructor and me as a team member and me as a teacher and just etc., etc., you know. And they're like, "What do you mean you're back in school?" I said, "Well, I'm back in, I'm in National Academy of Sports Medicine taking certificate courses for integral balance training and for corrective exercise specialist because I want to learn more. And since I've been having the issues with my legs, I absolutely want to learn more." so I can continue to not only maintain what I built, but also continue to build on what I've already built, so that way I can be— just be more productive all the way around. As person says, well, don't you think that's a waste of time? I said, well, how is learning a waste of time? How is furthering your education a waste of time? How is learning more to help others a waste of time? If you feel that's a waste of time, what do you suggest? And the room went silent. They didn't have an answer. And they said, well, you can at least take a break. I was like, I do that at least once a week.
What else?
They was like, ah, never mind. And then the conversation was over. And I realized that within my own circle, there's something that I always heard was true. There are people within my own circle that they're happy if you're on the same level as they are, and happier if they're beneath you. But there are some who are unhappy if they feel that you're elevating above them. And that's something that I've had throughout my life, where someone just didn't feel that I deserved what I had. One of the funniest examples, when I was a professional truck driver, only once in my life ever I had a brand new car. I'm sorry, twice in my life. But the one time that I had this brand new car, it wasn't fancy. It was a vehicle that most of my friends laughed at, but it was brand new and it was mine. And I remember driving into work and I didn't know someone who also worked there had the same type of vehicle and almost the identical color. So the first thing they said is, "Oh, I didn't know you were dating her." I said, "Dating who?" They said, "You know, the girl in the office." I said, "I'm not." I was like, "What are you talking about?" They're like, "Well, you just came in her car." I was like, "No, that one's mine." They're like, "Oh, that's you?" I said, "Yeah." "Oh, oh, looks just like hers." I said, "I didn't know she even had one." So I go and park, and in that short amount of time of me getting the things out of my vehicle to put in the, in, in the truck, and I go in the office, it had already circulated that I got this new car. And there were two people that said something that really stood out. And the first one said, "Oh, you must be doing all right to be able to afford that." I said, "The car I have isn't expensive, so what do you mean? Your used car costs more than mine." And he laughed. He goes, "Well, yeah, that's true. Your used car is a luxury car and mine is not, so what do you mean?" And he laughed again. Then he walks away. But probably the most insulting thing is one of my bosses said to me, "Yeah, I heard you got a new car." I was like, "Yeah." He goes, "Well, I guess I'm paying you too much." Wow. Is that how you feel about it? I've had that happen to me throughout my life. It could be something as simple as a new suit, a place that I lived, a pair of sneakers that I had on. You know, I was a— before the braces, I was a Converse guy, so they're not extraordinarily expensive. That I know of. But what I had, they just felt that I didn't deserve that. Everything that I've achieved, I deserve. And I know that. And I've learned not to defend myself when it comes to that. There are people that love to have the tennis match where they serve it over and then I smash it back. And when we feel that we one-up them, we point. It's like, what else you got? When I was younger, I used to fight verbally and physically. You're not going to tear me down, break me down, tell me I'm not I'm not good enough to have this or that, you know, but I learned I don't even need to fight about it. If that's what you think, that's what you think. I even tell everybody that you're right, just because it's a shorter conversation and then I can go on with the rest of my day because I can't get that time back if I'm going back and forth with you all day long. Rather do nothing than to have that battle with someone who wants to define who I am and what I should or should not have. I don't understand to this day why people do that. Other than they can. When I say they, they do it because they can is because it was also brought up in a conversation discrimination. And it was along the lines of, you know, things are good and things are this and things are that. And I told this other person, well, define good. And they always wanted to define how things are for people of color compared to the time of civil rights. And slavery, etc., etc. And I said, you are correct, but there are some things that didn't change. And they were kind of taken aback by it and they're like, well, what do you mean? I said, I can give you a great example that I was subjected to more than once, but there's one that really stands out, so I'll talk about that one. Years ago, when I started on my quest to have my own school, I went to a particular establishment to get a loan. My income was solid. I didn't have any, you know, substantial debt or anything like that. And it was required that I have 7 things. And I was told that if I have these 7 things, then absolutely it'll go through, no problems. Because what I asked for wasn't a substantial amount of money. It was a particular location that needed minor renovations, a few things to add here and there. But I would hit the ground running with this loan. I produced those 7 things, my business proposal and the 7 things that they requested. Cool. Time goes by. I receive a phone call to come in. I come in with my pen, Waiting to sign. And then they said, oh, you know, well, it's been decided that you need 3 more things. You know, this may take you some time to get that, but, you know, we feel with these 3 things it'll be concrete, everything will go through, and away we go. It's like, okay, granted. Now this is me, newbie. Me being new at business, I don't know the procedures, the techniques, the methods, however you want to say it.
Cool.
I produce those 3 things. I submit them. They let me know I'll know something probably within 48 hours. I get a phone call in 48 hours. And I received that phone call and they said, look, when are you available to come in? We set up a time. I come in in a day, come in, bam, pen in hand again. And then I was told I needed two more things, and one of those things I was unable to produce, so I was declined on the loan. So that facility went away and I was back starting all over again. Now talking to older people, they said, well, you know, you got redlined. And I know it's a touchy subject when it comes to that, but redlining is when people of color are discriminated against when it comes to things like that, like getting a loan for a business and things like that. But one of the things I love about my family is my cousin. He had a phrase when I told him what happened, and he said this one thing, and I've not only said it to the person who originally denied me, but I've said it in other conversations where it's not an attack, it's just a question that I ask. But each time it silenced the room. It's like you didn't even hear crickets chirping at the time. And I always make sure I ask this question face to face. It's not a conversation I've ever had over the phone. I asked the person on each occasion— it's only happened a few times, but each time I've, I've asked the question face to face, I've gotten the same reaction, which was silence and a search for a response. And I said it the way my cousin said it when I came in to ask, you know, It seems like we were on board and this was going to happen, and you know, it was going to be a great day. It turns out it was not. I said, so can I ask you a question? Of course, that person said, sure, you can ask me anything. I said, why do you keep moving the finish line? That's what I got—
silence.
And I said, I'll explain. I said, you told me if I had these 7 things, it was going to happen. And then the next time I see you, you tell me you need 3 more. That means the finish line moved. And then when I reached that finish line, then you tell me, oh no, I need 2 more. And I guess I was exhausted, so I wasn't able to finish the race to get to that finish line because I was missing one of the 2 things you requested. So I'm just curious, why do you keep moving the finish line? And no one ever had an answer. One of the things that I've always said is, to people like that, it's fine. I'll just go be successful without you. I learned that that particular person, the reason why they did what they did was because they could. They never had any intention on saying yes to the loan because I found out that he— this particular person didn't have to go through anyone to approve it. But that same person knew someone with a school of their own and was just taking my business proposal, which included elements of my program and sharing that with that other establishment. And the reason why I know is because it turns out this person also had a former law enforcement background. If anyone who's grown up around law enforcement, they have their own language. My dad, my uncles, all that. They had their own language. So when that last encounter I had with that person, I started to ask certain questions because I picked up on the language they were using, and they ended up telling us, oh yeah, yeah, I do know someone, and you know, and you know, and they went on and on, and that's how it all came about. It's insulting. I'm not here to hurt anyone. I'm not here to take anything from anyone else. I just have my own way of doing things and I would like to do them, but there are people that don't feel that I'm worthy of it. But I'm glad I don't feel the way that they do about me. I always emphasize the importance, not just to the students that I teach, but to my team, to anyone that I encounter, is just to know who you are. Don't look for everyone else to define it. Look, know who you are so that way No matter what, you don't need any verification from anyone about who you are. It took me a long time to learn that. Like I said, the first half of my life was just like a horror movie. It was just twists and turns. It was a disaster. So it took the second half of my life for me to learn these principles, but I'm glad I learned them. I'm grateful for my patience because I could have given up on so many things and I wouldn't be here today if I did give up on them. And that goes beyond the self-destruction, just, just in life. I could have just given up, sat home with the remote and watched the days go by on the calendar. Today is kind of a I don't mean this to be a downer. It's just something that I wanted to share with you because there are people that are Google experts. They're WebMD experts. The WebMD experts are pretty amazing because oftentimes they're people with no medical background at all. And I'm not talking about the people on the site, I'm talking to people that look up the information. So they go to that to look up information about things. Most people laugh when I say it as a response, but some people do not. Many of the people that have not are people in uniform. That I've had encounters with who said, "You don't look disabled." And my response was always, "You don't look like a physician." Most people find that very funny and they laugh about it and they're like, "Okay, you got me on that one," and we move on or we have a conversation. But certain people in uniform do not. They take that as arrogance, and it escalates to a level that it never should have gone. I've never Googled myself. People always say you should Google yourself, you should know what's on there about you, etc., etc. And I've had people look me up and they said, oh, well, this is on there, or that's not on there, etc., etc. And I've always been on the fence about information that's out there, meaning I've never Googled myself. And anytime someone asks, well, why not? I said, because I know who I am. The thing that I respect is 9 out of 10 people who have Googled me, if there was something that they questioned on there, they asked me. They had a conversation with me, say, yo, this is on there. She's like, you want to talk about it?
Sure.
And I do, good or bad, I talk about it. It's like, this is what happened and this is when it happened. And this is why it happened, or this did not happen. I don't even know why that's on there. And I've had so much respect for people that just have the conversation with you. They don't just take what they heard or what they read and decide who you're not. I appreciate the people that have taken what they've seen and what they've read and what they've, you know, what they've heard from someone else and said that I'm a good person. Because I appreciate— I'm humbled by that because I, I do what I can to be a good person every day. Not because I have to be, because I want to be. I like being that person. That is just a nice person every day, that's good to people every day, that wants the most for other people every single day is who I am. And there's always been people who have tried to tear that down, that definition down of me throughout my life for no other reason than they could. Not long ago, another friend of mine reminded me of the guy that we encountered who was the brother of someone that I had a confrontation with when I was in my 20s. And that brother held a grudge against me all those years. Because I hurt his brother in a fight. And one of the interesting parts of it is he felt that because he was with a bunch of his friends, that was the time to confront me. So he goes, "Hey, I remember you." I said, "I remember you." He said, "I didn't forget what you did to my brother." It's like his arm never moved the way it used to because of what you did to his shoulder. And I said, I understand. And he said, oh, you're not going to apologize for it? And I said, no. And he said, well, maybe I should do to you what you did to my brother. You know, me and my boys here. So the friend that I was with just backed up, and the guy says, oh well, you know, you probably need his help. And my friend goes, no, he's not. So then his friends started to look a little nervous. So before it escalated, I said to him, I said, did your brother tell you why we had that fight? And he said, well, you guys were hanging out and, and, you know, all of a sudden you were on him. I said, well, he left a lot out. That night we were hanging out and we were at a party and there was a bunch of people there and he reared back and smacked this girl right in her face and knocked her to the ground. And I just reacted. I just, I did what I, I was trying to actually separate his arm from the rest of his body. And he goes, oh, he didn't tell me that part. I said, so in that situation, what would you have done? Would you just, you know, put your hands up and walk away because it's your brother? And he said no. And I said, well, I respect you for saying that because you shouldn't. I don't care if it's your brother, your cousin, your dad, your friend, that shouldn't happen. And he said, oh, he said, he said, all this time, all these years I've been mad at you and I didn't know everything. I said, no, you didn't. I said, but I appreciate you giving me time to have this conversation so that way it didn't go in a direction that it could have. Because I'm going to tell you something my family used to tell me, and I hope you laugh about it. And he said, what's that? It's one thing to get your butt kicked, but it's another thing to get your butt kicked for the wrong reason. And his friends laughed, and then he laughed, and then, you know, I smiled like I am now, and we shook hands. And anytime I saw him after that was just, "Yo, how you doing today?" And we'd handshake, we'd hug, we'd catch up on whatever was going on. I asked how his family was, including his brother. And he said he talked to his brother and his brother's like, yeah, that's why that happened. And I said, I appreciate your brother verifying why I did what I did. In doing that, people who've sometimes for decades didn't like me because of something they heard and carried that around and came at me eventually. I'm glad we had that encounter to clear that up. I didn't always have the right reaction. You know, today's society would say, well, you should have just dialed 911. That's not the environment I grew up in. So my initial reaction was to hurt the arm that did what it did. Not proud of it. It was just what it was at that time. There are so many dynamics in my life, just, you know, from talking with family and friends just in this past week. I just— they, they unlocked a lot of stuff from my past. Most of it good, some of it bad, but it's like, wow, I've forgotten about that. And I wasn't upset that they brought it up, but I was like, wow, I'm grateful to have gotten through that as well as I have. To be here right now. And when he talked about my anger and no one knew that I was, you know, they were suspecting that I was doing drugs, but they didn't really know because I didn't do it around them. They saw me angry all the time. They just thought that that was my personality. One of the golden things that I learned from Mrs. Johnson when I went through rehab is when she told me my anger was fueled by fear. That unlocked so much inside of me that I, I never understood that perspective. The second part of that that she said that really opened my eyes is she told me I was a— my My fear was based on success. I was afraid to be successful. And I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. Of course I want to be successful. I said, that's why I'm mad, because I'm not. She goes, no, you're afraid to be because you're so used to things going wrong. She said, I remember when you said, you know, you got money in your pocket, money in the bank, all your bills are paid, car's running great. Families grow golden, you're waiting for the bottom to drop out of that. You are always waiting for that phone call or that encounter or that bad day, something to happen to derail you from the good that was going on. And that's because that's what you were used to. She unlocked something that I never knew I had in me. Because of that, I started doing things different in my life. There are certain people that make, you know, just an impact on me that no one ever has. 5 people in my life are the only ones that said, I never doubted you, and I wasn't related to any of them. Only 5. Each time I heard that, just put me on another level where not only did I want to do more, I was like, wow. To me, that's a level I never thought I'd achieve. And it was from 5 people, like I said, who I'm not related to. One person said it to me the second time I talk to them. I realize the impact that words can have on people, and I don't take that for granted. I do what I can to have that kind of impact on others, and I've learned that I have. Words are to me the deadliest weapon because they can destroy people in a way that they never recover. And you may say it out of anger or out of the moment, or— but there are times that there are people that don't recover from that. And there was a long time I was one of those people. So I've learned to be more of a listener than a talker and realize I may not have the answer when someone comes to me for an answer. I may not have it, and I'm never prideful where I say something. Instead, I say, "I don't know." It's not an insult to me or to them. I just tell them, "I don't know." I used to feel like I needed to have answers for everything, and anytime somebody threw something at me, What would you do in this situation? I don't know. No disrespect to them, I just don't know. Before, I used to have answers all the time. I just fire things out there that sounded good, only to later on say to myself, why Why did I say that? It's like, I don't even know if I would do that. Why am I going to tell them to do that? When we talk about, you know, energy— back then we used to call it vibes— but when it comes to the energy that people put out, I'm grateful for, like I said, all the branches that I have on my tree, whether it's CMT, martial arts, AOC. You know, a great example of that is, you know, my Jersey Strong brother Mark. I haven't known him for very long. But I feel like he's someone I've known all my life. I look at him as family, you know, from now until, you know, he's just that kind of person. And that's the kind of people I love being around, love to have conversation with. And we haven't even met face to face, you know, we've only been on Zoom together with one another. But he's someone that said that, you know, he loves people that are authentic. And I said, I feel the same way. And I appreciate him seeing that in me. I'm just being me. I'm rough around the edges. You know, my, the hair on my face kind of describes that. You know, I'm a little rough around the edges. Things are not perfect with me defined by the definition in the dictionary of perfection. That, that's not me. But one of the things that I am is happy. I'm happy with my journey. I'm happy with the people that I'm around. I'm happy with the things that I've accomplished, the things I'm going to do. And I'm happy every day, every single day.
I'm happy.
I want people to have that same energy around them and that same energy in them, to have that same happiness, which is what, you know, a big reason why I do what I do and why I am who I am. There's enough unhappiness out there that I don't need to create more. So I don't, you know, what I do is intentional and what I do is a choice. And I want people to make those same kind of choices. There's always going to be someone negative, whether it's someone gives me a negative feed, you know, there's, there's someone that gives me a negative comment in my feed or verbally or in a meeting. There's always going to be someone or someone who's just in the bushes waiting for me to achieve a certain letter so they can come in and say, oh, well, what about this? That's been my life with everything I've done. And it's a shame that there's so many people that put that kind of energy into negativity. And to come against me just because they can. Many of the times that people come against me, it's not even justified, but it goes back to a principle I learned a long time ago. There are many people I have encountered that don't care about the truth, they just want to be right. So I let them be right. I used to fight. I guess I said it before and I'll probably say it again. I used to fight physically, fight verbally. It's like I could have documentation and it was notarized. It's like, and I realized these people are gonna feel the way they feel and they're gonna say what they're gonna say no matter what. So I've learned to just let them be right. It makes more— a much shorter conversation, a much more pleasant day. And that's one of the reasons why I'm so happy. I mean, the Most High is without a doubt the number one reason why I'm happy, because he was there with me even then when I didn't know it, and he's brought me to where I am. And many times I don't even feel that I deserve to do as well as I do, whether it's the way I dress, the way I speak, the way I look, the color of my skin. I'm okay with me. I'm not just okay with me, I'm happy with me. I want you to be happy with you. Sometimes the, the words— it's not even that I'm at a loss for words, it's just that I have trouble sometimes just saying clearly what I'm, what I'm feeling because there's so much that's going on inside of me, especially right now. Like I said, it's been an interesting week and there have been some, like I said, there have been some challenges that I've come across just in conversations with people because they triggered old emotions. And they had me flash back to old memories that it's not that I forgot about them, I just had no reason to acknowledge them. But now that I've acknowledged them, I just want you to know I don't embrace the negative. Negative will always be there. I acknowledge the negative, I just don't embrace it. I hope that there's an interest in what I say and what I do, because my motivation is about others. It's not about myself. I don't know what today will bring. You know, people always think, well, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know what today will bring. But I do the best that I can today and make the most of today. And then tomorrow's a new day. Sometimes it can get a little nerve-wracking just not knowing, you know, having a yes or a no. I appreciate because it's definitive. But a maybe or an I don't know at this time sometimes can be a little nerve-wracking because I would like to know what's next. But I'm excited to know what's next. This is rough emotionally. This is rough. I'm like having a battle with emotions right now that are inside of me just because what has been stirred up, you know, for this past week. But I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been supportive of me, whether it's a day or a lifetime, you know, just thank you. It's because of all of you is why I'm here and why I do as well as I do and why I want to do more. It's because of all of you, and it's because of all the people that I haven't met that happen to know my name, but I do not know theirs at the time. And just to put on the record, I'm terrible with names. I can remember a nickname faster than I can your real name, and I've always had that as a as a weakness as well as remembering names. So I apologize if I forget anyone's name, if I don't mention anyone, but I am grateful to all of you. Doing these is helping me. It, you know, for a long time I didn't speak because I didn't think I had a voice, but I realized that I do, and I realized that so does everyone else. They have a voice. I'll get better at responding to people who have left comments. I'm still learning this whole process. Like I said, I, I've done some things just in this past week that it wasn't second nature for me to pull a camera out, so I didn't even film those things. I'm still learning to do that too, because I never look at the phone as an extension of my arm, so it's not second nature for me to just pull it out. I'm grateful that all of you are here. I hope you enjoy this journey the same way I have. I can only be me, and that's what I try to do. Well, it's not what I try to do, that's what I do every day. I just be— I'm just being me. I will see you all again soon, probably sooner than later. I got some things that I'm working on that I hope to film and share those things with you along the way. I am— I'm excited about the things that are to come.
Just breathe.
