How to Overcome Perfectionism, Overthinking & Self-Sabotage

My biggest thing that I love to do with imposter syndrome is to just acknowledge that there's always going to be someone smarter than you. You're not doing yourself any favors by pretending like you're the smartest person on the planet. I don't have like the highest IQ in the world, but I do have a unique perspective. I do have a unique lived experience. Your unique perspective is what sets you apart. It's not your knowledge.

You might have just broke my brain a little bit. Topsy is a mindset coach, a clinical therapist turned mindset and emotional intelligence coach for high achieving creat CEOs. And I'm so excited to talk about this because I know that Topsy talks a lot about emotional intelligence. We've been talking a lot all day about the power of empathy inside a business. So I'm excited to welcome Topsy to stage today for our final session. Topsy, nice to meet you. How are you doing?

Hi, it's so nice to meet you. I'm doing so well. Do I pronounce your name Darrell or Darrell?

Yes, Darrell.

Yes, Darrell. Awesome. Thank you so much for having me. Cool.

All right, Topsy, give me the 32nd version of like, people who don't know you yet. What do they need to know about Topsy and about what you do?

Yeah, so actually I recently had a pivot, but I'm still talking about the same topic. So I'm a Christian leadership consultant and I help faith driven founders lead with discernment, clarity and emotional intelligence. So I use concepts from leadership psychology, biblical values, emotional skill building to help equip like high capacity leaders to lead from their God given authority rather than from society driven conformity. So that's what I do. That's my updated bio, but my website doesn't reflect that quite yet. But it's still all of the same stuff, still all of the amazing.

Okay, so we, we've been all in mindset all day long. It actually feels like the number one blocker for so many people who are wanting to get started and their creative journey. Yeah, what, what do you feel like is the number one mindset blocker for people who are like, wanting to do something but then aren't doing it or wanting to get started, but aren't getting started? What do you, what do you kind of think has happened is happening here? And I know it's a loaded question.

No, this is good. No, I think that there's a few things. I think that perfectionism is one of them. So they think that they have to have it all figured out. They think that it needs to look a certain way. We often like I call it like we just make things up in our mind like, oh, it needs to look like this. Because I saw so and so's look like this. Not realizing that that person has been in the game for so long and they have built that brand equity, right? And the resources, they have the financial resources to be able to do that. And so I think perfectionism is one of those reasons because we just make up these like, we make up these like barriers and these constructs of what we feel like something has to be perfectly proportioned to and look like in order for it to be worthy and in order for it to be enough. I definitely also think the overthinking is a big thing and that goes along with anxiety. So I think that the anxiety is actually a silent driver for a lot of business owners and why it is that they might struggle to, to pull the trigger on something that they know is supposed to be in the world. It's that fear of what if it doesn't work out? You know, what if, what if my, I don't know, somebody from high school sees it and they laugh at me like, what if my clients, you know, don't really agree? What if I get pushed back? What if I get haters? What if, what if, what if? And so that can be also become like the primary driver of that ends up dictating whether or not you take action. And so anxiety, perfectionism. I also think self sabotage. There are a lot of people out there that, that just feel like, you know what, like this could actually work out really well. And those people tend to have like a really high sense of self esteem, but then they also have a fear of failure. And so they're like, what? Like this could actually work out. But what if I can't handle the pressure? Like, I actually do think that this is a really good idea. I know for a fact that my work is in demand and my expertise and my values in demand. But I am just not quite sure whether or not I'm going to be able to handle all the responsibility that comes along with it, the money. Because look at so and so they got to this part, they got to this point in their career and they ended up crashing and burning or they got ripped to shreds on social media. And I don't want that to happen to me. And so that's also the self sabotage that can creep in. It's the fear of success. It's, I don't Know if I trust myself to be able to steward the success that I'm being given. So those are, like, the top ones that just, like, come to mind.

That's amazing. Okay. Perfectionism, the overthinking and the self sabotage. Okay. I want to. I want to dive into each one of these. These a little bit. Okay. So perfectionism, I think there's a lot of people here. We were talking to Dan Go earlier today, and it's like, if you, like, were to see yourself as a child, like, you would never make fun of a child who's learning to ride a bike.

No.

When they fall down or whatever else, you would treat them a little differently. We don't treat ourselves that same way. Think about perfectionism. What. What. How do you. How do we overcome that. That fear of, like, I can't be an expert today or I can't make it perfect today, and there's a gap between what I want to accomplish and what I'm able to accomplish.

So I think that something that I think has become really powerful, like, not only in my life, but in the lives of, like, my colleagues, my friends, is to really think about the fact that when you are hesitating on putting something in the world that you know is whatever you know, your higher power is that you know has been given to you. Right. By your higher power, you're almost spitting in the face of your higher power. It's almost like this. You didn't know what you were doing when you gave me this responsibility. And so I think that that is one shift that it is. It can seem really extreme, but it's. It's actually the ultimate disrespect. Right. When you think about it, as you have been equipped with this gift, how dare you think that it's not worthy enough to be put in the world? How dare you deprive Susie in Idaho from being able to experience what it is that you have been given that she doesn't have. She is waiting for your perspective. She is waiting for your product. And so I think that one of the ways to really move through perfectionism is to go outside of yourself. Because a lot of the time, perfectionism is very inward focused. We're focused on ourselves. We're focused on how we feel. We're focused on our discomfort. We're focused on our fear. We don't really think about it from the perspective of anybody else. And so I think that is one healthy coping mechanism is to think about. Think about Susie in Idaho, who really. And I don't know why I keep Saying Idaho, because Idaho, I mean Idaho has great people, but Wyoming, you know what I mean? Like think about that person that lives in bum wherever where they are waiting for your product, your service, your expertise. And don't nobody around them do any of that. They don't talk about that stuff, they don't think like that. And you are depriving them of that gift. So step outside of yourself and look at it from this bird's eye view of what would, like what, what exactly is the impact, the long term impact of what I'm doing? What am I delaying and not executing on this vision, on this gift, on my expertise? Who is missing out? Who doesn't get to benefit? That is also a really good question. Who doesn't get to benefit or who benefits from me not doing this? So I think with perfectionism, that's also a really good question is who benefits from me doing this and who. And who doesn't benefit from me doing this? Because I think that when you think about it, from who doesn't? Who benefits from me not taking action? Then you think about the competitor or the person. Because I believe that our gifts don't just belong to us. I believe they belong to God, right? And so he's going to put that gift inside of someone else. That person is going to come out with that idea that you had in your mind, right? We see it happen all the time. How many times have we been like, actually I have a solution for this common everyday problem, but I don't have the money to put it. And for whatever reason you see someone else come out with that, right? Our gifts don't belong to us. And so when we can think about who benefits from me not putting this out there, who's who, who's going to be the one to, to pull the trigger? Who's going to be the one to have the courage to do it?

And you might have just broke my brain a little bit like that. Like, who benefits from me not doing this? Is like, probably nobody.

Yes, yes, yes.

Probably nobody probably benefits from me not doing this. It's so interesting to me. It's like my hater probably is actually gonna not think about me like three seconds after they say something to me, like, I'm probably out of their mind, they're worried about themselves. It's like nobody, nobody is benefiting from me not doing this. But a lot of people are not benefiting from me not doing this.

Yes.

And I, I love that. I have a, I have a principle. I talk about zoom in, zoom out and I I notice a lot when I'm in anxiety. I'm too zoomed in.

Yes.

And so it's like when I zoom out a little bit, it's like, oh, wait a second. Like, this picture is a lot bigger than I thought. Like.

Yes.

It's not just about the fear here. It's a little. There's a little. There's a little bit more here. And it sounds like some of this. What you're talking about is just frameworks for zooming out a little bit more and seeing a bigger picture.

Yes. Because the thing of perfectionism, that's such a. It can be such a trap. While I do think that there is a healthy side of perfectionism, I just like to call it doing it with. Doing things with excellence. I do think that there is that. But for many of us, we take it to the extreme. And so it comes from doing things with excellence to. Now we're frozen in fear. Now we've deleted the whole project and we have to start all over. That's another level of perfectionism. And so, yes, I think that there is a difference.