Coding saved my life (Loser to Senior Dev)

I had to get put in jail. I was doing a lot of drugs. My parents got divorced. My dad won't even talk to me. I was thick, skinny. I wish I could go back to my dad, but he would not see me. He had like a restraining order against me because of the divorce. He ended up calling the cops on me. I was so anxious all the time that I couldn't really communicate with anyone. No. That's when I woke up and I was like, I really, you know, I'm in my home country. But I burned every bridge I have. I'm in jail cell. My dad won't even talk to me. I don't even know how to get out of the country. I think I even lost my passport at that time. Maybe you can rel to this story. I know you'll relate to this story, not the context of it. Everyone is in a situation of hitting rock bottom and you have to build yourself back up and you have to keep going. You don't give up, and that's the only thing you can do. I've lost everything three times. But this most recent time, it was okay because I had a passion. I had coding that to climb me out. I can't say the same for the first two times. The first two times, it turned my world upside down and I didn't know what to do. The story of my first time that I hit rock bottom, I was around 19. It was around 2009. I just caught out of a very serious relationship. Maybe like my first, like high school sweetheart. And it was like four years relationship and we just broke up. Also at the same time, my parents got divorced. My mom basically told me to my face she was gonna run away from my dad. She gave me a choice to stay in America where I was fucking up. I was not the best kid. I was doing a lot of drugs and I was partying too much and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Or she said, you can pack your things and come to Korea. And I remember that January 1, 2009, we got on a flight. To give you a little backstory of how I was right after the relationship. When you break up, I spiraled downwards. I hang out with the wrong crow. I think doing the wrong things are cool. Staying up late, partying, waking up, not knowing where. I was doing too many extracurriculars and I was studying pharmacy at the time to be a pharmacy technician. It was a bad combo. Everything was like swirling around. I was going down and down and down and my parents divorced. I remember getting that phone call and it was. There's things that happen in your life, and you want to be able to do something about it, but you cannot do anything. And it's one of the worst feelings in the world because you want to be able to remedy the situation or do something for your mom or your parents. But we realize this situation's over. You have this anger inside of you where you wish you could do something and you wish you could fix it, do something to help the situation. But anything you do or anything you can think of just makes the situation worse. So that's a little, I guess, precursor or backstory to this time of my life. Even then, if I kept on going down that road, I would have hit a rock bottom as well. And I'm glad I chose to go with my mom to Korea. It helped me detox and rehab my body. So we got on our plane, we came to Korea. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into. I only been to Korea like two or three times my whole life. This time I came to Korea and it was like, okay. It was indefinite how long I was coming for. The whole time, in my mind, it was more like, okay, I'll go to Korea, and then I'll come right back and see my friends again. It was a very young set mind. I came here and I remember came here, no friends, no connections, no hard skill, no nothing, no money. It was the first time I was like that my whole life. It was hard to overcome because I had to rebuild myself. I grew up in the same town, like, my whole life in California, you know, I'd say hi to Mr. Mancini or whatever. You know, being in Korea, even though my family's Korean, I felt like, lost. I felt like a foreigner. I couldn't speak the language, language very well. I didn't know how to read anything. It looked like the little Hangul. It's like the Korean characters. They look like little men with hats and like little axes. And I didn't know what I was looking at. And I just get lost. And I didn't even know how much money to pay the bus. And, you know, at that time, in my mind, it's like, okay, I've hit rock bottom. I don't know anything going on here. What do I do? I was rebuilding myself because I was so young, through the guidance of my parents, or not my parents, but like my family on my mom's side, they were able to get me into school. School to learn Korean. And it was a very nice school, actually. It was Yonsei kli I went there for a while, met some friends, got to show my personality. And actually, I think if you grow up in the same environment your whole life, everyone just grows up with you and they know your personality and you kind of have to like each other. I know that's a stupid thing to say, but when I moved out of the country and met all new people and I expressed my personality and all this, it kind of validated that, okay, people do like me for me. Through that validation, I got confidence, making more and more friends. And even though I was recovering, I ended up drinking a lot and partying. And I was young, I was stupid. It did help me get through some things, make friends and all this, but I didn't let it get too crazy. I did make friends and we were hanging out and I learned a lot from them. The problem was though, I had in the back of my mind that I was coming back to America. I was gonna chill there again, you know, So I built up this like mental wall in my head to like not let people cross it that I met that were new. Even though I was making friends, I seriously, like, I wouldn't let them in too much. It was some kind of defense mechanism. I got into exercising, I got my back and I found out who I was. And I guess this kind of rock bottom was moving somewhere. Not knowing who I am, really finding self realization of who I really am through these new environments. And I'm glad I did that in my life. You know, there's a song by Bedouin Soundclash, but it says my walls fall down on your old town, you begin. And I love that song. So then the day finally came. I decided I go back to America this time. Going back to America with this new mindset. I was like, okay, maybe I won't do drugs, maybe I won't to the things I was doing in the past. But that was far from the truth. I wish maybe I would have stayed in Korea, but you know, me being young and dumb, it almost feels like, you know, when the Amish people, when they become adults, they decide to send their kids out, out of the town to experience the real world and they come back. Well, I want you guys to picture this. I was a young kid coming to Korea, kind of restarting, rebranding, finding myself. And then I decided to go back to where I was smoking a lot of pot and going to raves. So I went back, my friends, they decided to pick me up from the airport. You know, when I said bye to my mom in airport, it Was pretty sad because, you know, she knew what I was going back to, and, you know, I found who I was. I was happy with myself. She. I think she could see that, you know what? My old friends and everything is more important for me. And the first thing I did when I got back, I. So this is. I'll roll this over into the second story that I hit rock bottom. I got back, my friends picked me up. First thing that happened was, you know, you get offered some. Some substances, you know, rude to say no, but no, I'm not. It's not rude to say no, but I. I couldn't say no. Trying to think about what happened. I think I slept for a while. I had jet lag. But I remember my friend's brother. I was very close with him. He came back from tour that day or something, and we just had to go smoke a blunt or something. And I remember getting pulled over by the cops, and it was scary, but that was like the start of my downfall because I built myself up to this person that I really was. And then I got kind of sucked back in and starts with some pot. You get into other stuff. I was staying at my house in America. Ended up getting kicked out of that house. Had to go to find a different home. I rented a room. It was not easy. I didn't have a job. I didn't have any hard skills. I remember I was like. I think I was like a barista or something and did whatever I could to get by living my life like that. I kept on living that way for a couple months, six months. It's not easy being this. Being lost, just doing anything that sounds fun at the time. I'm living at this house in Bay Point. I ended up getting caught up in some kind of things with, like, motorcycle crew. Ended up hanging out with them for a while. I was making enough money, ended up running away from that house for some reason and ended up at my friend's house. And I was living at my friend's house for a while. She decided to go to Burning Man. She drove with her boyfriend at the time and then another couple. But then on the way home, they got pulled over and everyone went to jail. Then the next day, I think someone bailed her out, and she came back to me and she was like, you know, let's hang out. So I started going down faster and faster and ended up, you know, living with my friends, but then burning bridges. You know, this is a time where I didn't have any hard skills. And this is a time where I was young and dumb and impressionable, and I was just doing anything to get by. You know, it went from sleeping at my friend's house and, you know, paying her rent. She lived in like a tiny, small studio apartment in Berkeley. We ended up moving around with the other friend that I'm talking about, but we would just sleep in a motel every night, like Motel 8. And just scrounging up like the $80 a night to kind of, you know, have a place to sleep that night. It was not an easy life. And it was. It's not a very clean looking life. You're. You're wearing the same clothes. You're. I don't know, I was like. I was stick skinny. I was so anxious all the time that I couldn't really communicate with anyone. You know, in the back of my head I thought everyone was talking about me. This paranoia. I don't think anyone can live with this. Kind of like schizophrenia or something. And I, you know, I found it enjoyable. That's how much of a loser I was, I think, because I don't know what it was about me, but I just. It was like this image thing. Like, I, like, I wanted people to think, like, you know, this guy doesn't give a shit. This guy doesn't give a. You know, I'm up my life and it doesn't matter because, you know, live fast, die young. And I love this kind of like, narrative of my life and, you know, and people like, push it, like. And it's just like the people that want you to lose in life. And if I think back to those times, it's so. It's so sickening. I was not being the most healthy. I was not making the best decisions in my life. I was not making smart decisions. And I wish I would have. You know, we were sleeping in the same hotel, but then we ended up getting in a fight. You know, like, everything happens and I ended up sleeping. There's this guy named, you know, I'll just call him by the. Their nicknames, but like Dub and his cousin in Oakland. There's like Chinese gangs or so whatever, right? And there's like the Dai Lo, the big homie. There would be places to sleep, like these party houses and with like these gambling machines. And I ended up living there for a while. It was hard. It's not the best lifestyle. It's. It's just a bunch of losers stick around. It's like an analogy of like this crab bucket where if one crab tries to get out, grab the other leg and they bring each other back down so they can never succeed. And that's kind of what these are. It was not the easiest place. And after a while of living there, I remember I was broke. My brother gave me a phone number for a calling card that he used. And this was still in times of like a calling card, right? To call my mom internationally. And I call her every day. I'd be like, hey, I want to go back. It was really sad time in my life because I was so lost. I wish I could go back to my dad, but he would not see me. He had like a restraining order against me and like my mom. And because of the divorce, he ended up calling the cops on me. You know, since I broke the restraining order or whatever, I had to get put in jail. And then the next day, I remember I woke up in jail and that's when I woke up and I was like, I really, you know, I'm in my home country, but I burned every bridge I have. I'm in jail cell. My dad won't even talk to me. I don't even know how to get out of the country. I think I even lost my passport at that time. And then my court hearing was happening like that day, you know. Luckily my dad, he dropped all the charges. Still, it was a horrible time in my life and it was this rock bottom that I never want to hit again. I don't wish that on anyone. It was a time of loneliness. I look like a junkie. I'm not thinking correctly. I smell probably it's not a good place. Probably one of the most horrible places. And it's really hard for me to talk about this kind of stuff because it's not easy. So they let me go to jail in, in California or whatever or jail. If you guys ever been, if you in the chat, you can type one in the chat or if you have been to jail. But when they release you, it's like 4:00am, 3:00am you're even more lost, you know. So I get out and they give you like a $5 BART ticket card or $10. I don't know. I met the outside who I was getting released with. There's some like, I don't know, like some other people from Oakland. And then like this hooker chick that I. I don't even know who she was. I ended up sleeping at the hooker places like motel house. I remember passing out at her house and then she like waked me up and kicked me out. I have like ten dollars in my pocket. I have like a five dollar bar Card ticket with the last money, I think I called my mom and I was like, where do I go? She called her friend. She was like, okay, in Oakland, I know a pastor, you can go to his house. Maybe I'll let you go to sleep there. And I was like, okay. So I go to the pastor's house and they don't even let me in at first. I talk to them and they let me in at first. They don't want, you know, they don't want this junkie ass loser in their house. You know, it's like one of those houses where they like, house like a bunch of like foreign Korean kids to study and stuff. But I became, you know, I went in there and I tried to sober up. They liked me because I play guitar and they wanted me to, like, play guitar in the worship band and stuff. Then I called my dad and he was like, do you have a passport? Do you have a plane ticket? And I said, no. He was like, wait there, I'm going to come get you. Just wait for the next couple of days. And basically they got me on a plane. They got me a replacement passport, and I came to Korea. This all happened in a span of like less than a week. That's when I hit rock bottom. And I remember coming back to Korea so embarrassed. And it's not even like my parents or like my mom could be angry at me. She was just more so disappointed. And I think with anger it feels better because they feel some kind of emotion. But with disappointment, it's just like, I don't know what the f to do with this kid, you know, that's when I was around, like 22, 23, you know, my. I have the older brother and he came to Korea to kind of like check up on me. I remember I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even go outside of the house. I couldn't even see him kiss face to face. That's how rock bottom I was. I couldn't even face my parents. I couldn't face anyone. I didn't want anyone to see me. That's something I don't wish on anyone because you can only get better through the support and communication with parents or family. That's. That was like a super rock bottom of my life. I had to climb myself out of there, Started teaching English in Korea. I climbed out. I did what I could. And then finally I got into coding. It helped me. It helped me in my life. I'm happy I did that. But to really think right when I got back into Korea, I just Imagined how my mom felt like. Like I said, she couldn't even be angry. She was disappointed. You know, she lost all thought of potential in her son. Now that I have a son, it's hard to imagine because you see all this potential. They can be whatever they want. I'll provide them everything they want. Even with all those opportunities, I dropped the ball. Dropping the ball when people rely on you, it's one of the worst feelings. I almost lost everything again before when I lost my job. And even before you go through your ups and downs, you know, you don't even know when you're up if you don't have any doubts. I did get laid off like a month and a half ago that you could say that was a rock bottom. Before. I had a couple struggles while learning how to program. After I got my first job, you know, I climbed out because I had that hard skill of being able to know that I can contribute to a company with my software development skills. Whatever it may be. For me, it was coding, right? For you, it could be whatever your passion is. Maybe it is coding, and if it is coding, I can help you, but just, you have to have that passion in life. Humans are resilient. You're going to want to succeed anyways. You're going to want to live. But with that passion that pushes you, you can get a lot more done. You can find some kind of drive inside of you to get better and better and better, and it ignites something inside of you to keep you going. I think I thank the universe that with my rock bottoms, I wake up every day thankful I'm thankful I'm alive, thankful I'm not in jail. And that's a big trajectory of where my life was going. I'm here. There's nothing anybody can do about it because I'm gonna keep moving forward and I'm gonna keep going. You know, I'm gonna keep getting better at coding. Even though I want people to be better than me, I'm gonna still get better myself. And you can try to catch me if you can. More power to you. I'm gonna get better. I'm very thankful every day. I count my blessings. I count being alive, I count not being in jail. I count, you know, my mom even, you know, having a great relationship with my mom. I count having a wife, I count having a family account, having my son. It's so amazing that I made it out of this guy that thought he wasn't gonna see the next day. Maybe he'd never see sunlight again because maybe I'd in jail or whatever, but I'm thankful and I'm thankful to you and this let fill community and I'm thankful to be able to breathe. I'm just thankful for everything. And if you're in the down and out, if you feel like you've hit rock bottom, if you feel like you don't know what to do, you're lost, come talk to me, you know, and we can have these conversations about your next steps. And you're not in this alone. The things you do today, it may be sacrifices, it may be saving a little bit of money here and there, but they're all things for your future self. Say you have to sacrifice not partying to study something. Say you have to not spend extra $5 on a Starbucks coffee. That's everything is creating more opportunities for your future self. You're gonna have more of 5 extra dollars for something else in the future. Sacrifice not partying so you'll get healthier by not partying. You'll be able to study a bit more so you'll be more prepared for the next questions. Just the things you do today will help you in the future. Best thing you can do for yourself now is invest in yourself now. If you don' Any hard skills or it's hard for you to find a passion, getting into a passion, start building up any skill, hard skill, soft skill, strike up a conversation, learn how to write a song or exercise. Get better at anything that's going to help you in your life. And if you get better at those things, then you'll get better at the next thing and then it'll roll over. The next passion you may pick up may be coding, it may be throwing a baseball, it may be anything. And just get better. Invest in that. Invest in yourself. Invest in getting better and your life will get better. You know, I chose coding with my passion and this last time I did hit rock bottom, I got laid off. I did have a hard skill to pull me out and it was a lot easier to not hit that rock bottom as much. And I did pull myself out. So just choose a great passion. Anything you can be passionate about that can light a fire inside of you. It'll make your life infinitely better. I could get dropped off anywhere in the world, Costa Rica, Mexico City, wherever, with nothing. It's my hard skill and my confidence. With my coding, I know I can build myself back up and just me off anywhere with a backpack and a laptop and, you know, a comfortable pair of shoes, some shorts and a T shirt, maybe a jacket. I'll figure it out. I'm scrappy like that. And if I can do it, you can do it too. Coding saves lives.