1049 The 7 Keys To Thriving After A Breakdown w/Chris Lee

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This is episode number 1049 with Chris Lee.

For every breakdown, there's a thousand blessings. And so we have two choices in a breakdown. We could dive or we could thrive. If I'm upset with someone and and I don't forgive them, they have my power.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.

Thanks for spending some time with me today.

Now let the class begin.

Drishti Bablani once said, a breakdown is not the end. Even the strongest of people have a breaking point. And Shannon Alder said, one of the greatest regrets in life is being what others want you to be rather than being yourself. I'm so excited because my guest today is my dear friend Chris Lee, who for 30 years has been traveling the world and has led seminars and workshops for over a million people, teaching them the art of living abundant and extraordinary and successful lives. Chronic Chris is a dear friend of mine who has been featured in over 15 episodes of the School of Greatness and I'm always excited to have him back on and share his wealth of knowledge. And today is no exception because we are talking about some amazing things. Firstly, we're diving into what a breakdown actually is and how we can come out of it thriving on the other side. The unhealthy ways we process emotions and how we can begin processing them in a healthier way. How important it is to practice forgiveness of ourselves and those around us. This is tough. I get it. Why we allow words to hurt us so much. How to create an action plan for yourself, the importance of building a support system. How to learn to trust the process in your life right now, even when it seems chaotic. And so much more. Every time you share this, it really allows us to spread the message to more people and help and inspire more people who might be needing it, even if they don't say they need help. So feel free to share this with a friend right now. Just text someone or post it on social media Lewishouse.com 1049 and click the subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or Spotify right now as leaving us a rating and review really helps us spread the message of greatness to more people. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Chris Lee.

Welcome back everyone to School Greatness Podcast. We have the man Chris Lee in the house. Our resident life coach, Master coach on all things living a better life. You've been training people for over 30 years now.

Over 30 years.

30 years in intimate workshops.

Started when I was five.

You've been helping people figure out how to really handle their past, how to heal trauma, how to deal with tough situations in the current situation of their life. Relationships, finance, career, health, all that stuff. You've helped people who've gone through some of the most tragic moments ever. You've seen things, you've heard things that most people should never have to hear. And you help people find freedom and peace on the other side of their pain. You've been on more than anyone else on the School of greatness. Episode 30. Something was one of the first ones. And we've got a new topic which is how to really handle breakdown because people are dealing with a lot of overwhelm, upset breakdown, financial breakdown with the COVID relationship breakdown, health breakdown. I know I gained some weight during COVID and trying to get it back off. It's just hurricanes. There's all these different things. Political Breakdowns, there's breakdown, overwhelm. And when we are overwhelmed, it's hard to get clarity and focus on. On the direction we should go because we're so overwhelmed. And you've got these seven main keys on how to really handle breakdown and turn it into a breakthrough so you can have peace and freedom on the other side. So I'm so glad you're back. And can we first define what is a breakdown?

Well, first, thank you for having me back for episode my 30th time. I don't know how many times I've been here. I just see. I don't. I see the school of greatness as a platform that brings a lot of wisdom to people.

Yeah.

And I think that what the magic. The magic of this is to make things simple for people. And right now, the world, not just me and you, but the world, the planet, is going through an overwhelming amount of stress, an overwhelming amount of changes, and curve balls. And so it's important to provide people light. And I think that what these seven keys bring to people is light. And it brings people a simple way of navigating through breakdowns and turning them into breakthroughs. And so a breakdown, to answer the question is really when life throws you a curveball. And how many of you have experienced life throwing your curveball? And, you know, we get curve balls every day without the pandemic. Throw the pandemic into the mix, and it's a massive curveball. And not only is the pandemic a curveball, but it has happened with the pandemic. We think that we're getting to the other side, and then out of the blue, it's worse than ever. And then there's the whole political challenge and landscape and there's the whole racial challenge in landscape and health and, like you said, relationships. And it becomes. It gets to a point where it gets to a boiling point. And so a breakdown is when life throws us a curveball or when people act in a way that we don't expect them to act, or when we promise to do something or to deliver on something, and we don't deliver. Like, I promise to lose £20 and I gain 15. Like, I promise that I'm gonna, you know, be patient, and I lose my patience. So when life throws a curveball, when people act in a way that we don't expect them to act, or when we don't deliver on our promises, those are the main key breakdowns that happen.

And what happens when we reach a boiling point? What happens then?

We go into reaction and what happens is that a little breakdown becomes a massive breakdown, and then that massive breakdown takes on a life of its own. And then before you know it, you're not dealing with the original breakdown. You're dealing with some new breakdowns that the original breakdown sponsors. It's like a snowball effect. And so what happens? And then, of course, if you're involved in the breakdown, it activates breakdowns, and it just takes everybody with them. It's kind of like that snowball that just. It becomes this tidal wave that you find yourself lost in the middle of it. And you ask yourself, how did I get here?

Right. I was riding the wave, and now.

I'm in the middle and I didn't even do anything about it. It's not me. It's like it's happening around me. And so. And I believe that the pandemic, what it's done, is that it has amplified a lot of already existing breakdowns. So if you're going through financial challenges prior to the pandemic, it's probably amplified that. If you've had challenges in your relationships that were kind of neutral because both were busy and you saw each other every now and then, now you're with each other all the time. The pandemic has amplified that. If you had health breakdowns that you were kind of coasting on and you weren't really addressing, the pandemic has put everybody into total alert mode because people are panicking, especially people that have not taken care of their health or panicking about what's going to happen if I get the COVID virus and what's going to happen to me, and my health isn't good. So I think that the situation that we're living in, and of course the political and all the other stuff, it just creates an environment for massive breakdowns and reactions. I've been blessed to be busier than ever during the pandemic. I've been on Zoom every week. I've been doing live workshops, believe it or not, with all of the precautions taken, people safe. But I could tell you that if there's one thing, which is why I think this is a great thing to talk about, that I had been coaching for the last nine months, you know, just going into this new year and now to now, it's what do I do with breakdowns? And I have seven keys, and I think these keys are very important. And to jump right into it, the first key is get out of denial and accept that you're having a breakdown.

What do most people do when they.

Have a breakdown, they usually sugarcoat it. They sweep it under the rug, they distract themselves, they focus on something else. They numb it, they numb it out. They do addictions, they overeat, they overwork, they use drugs, alcohol. There's so many ways to avoid breakdown or just pretend it's okay, I don't have a cavity. And before you know, it's a root canal. And so being in denial is what most people do. And other people, when they have breakdowns, there's other people that actually what they do is they beat themselves up. And so they have a breakdown and they feel bad and they beat themselves up with a breakdown like this shouldn't be happening. And so they feel bad about it, or they want to beat someone else up. You know, they want to judge someone else or attack someone else, lash out on someone else. And so that's the other thing that people do with breakdowns, they blame. They blame other people. Exactly.

How could I ever be at fault at this? This isn't my fault.

No, doing it to me. You're doing it to me. So the first step is to accept the breakdown and acknowledge, okay, I'm having a financial breakdown or I'm having a relationship breakdown. It's my breakdown, I'm having it. And so by acknowledging it, and I even recommend writing it down, what is the breakdown that you're experiencing? And by acknowledging the breakdown, you gain power over the breakdown. And I think it's giving you power over it because you're now no longer denial. When you're in denial about something, it's draining energy because some part of you knows it. There's a part of you that knows that you're in breakdown. But when you're pretending not to know something, whatever that breakdown is, is working on you. And so that's why people get insomnia. Insomnia is unresolved stuff. People that can't sleep is because they got so much unresolved stuff that it won't let them sleep. And so when you know, when you have a breakdown that you're in avoidance of, it takes energy away. And so by acknowledging the breakdown, acknowledging it's like thinking you have cancer, that's exhausting. But the moment you're aware, okay, I have cancer, and here's where it is, there's a sense of power because you now know, okay, there's something I could do about this.

It's scary to acknowledge it. And that's probably why you don't go to the doctor to do the check in, because you're Like, I don't want this to be cancer, so I'm going to ignore it.

But what happens when you ignore it? It gets worse. Because what you resist persists. And so by accepting that you have a breakdown and acknowledging the breakdown, at least you gain the energetic power to now do something about it versus pretend it's not there. If I pretend I don't have a cavity, there's nothing, you know, the cavity takes over me and I can't do anything about it by accepting, okay, I have a cavity here, so now what can I do about this? Or there's a relationship breakdown, I own that we have a breakdown and that there's a breakdown here, then I could do something about it. But if I go on through life pretending everything is okay and being in denial, which is what a lot of people do, they just pretend everything is okay.

Sweep it under the rug.

Sweep it under the rug. Automatic pilot. But sooner or later, it catches up to you. And so the first key is to accept the breakdown, to acknowledge the breakdown, to name it. Once you name it, then you've got power to do something about it.

Why is it so hard to first accept these things that we don't like? Why, why do most of us say it's someone else's fault around us? It's my girlfriend's fault, my parents fault, my kids fault, government's fault.

Why do.

Why is it so hard to take response acceptance of it?

Because it's conditioning. We're conditioned to blame. We're conditioned to sit, to think that it's someone else's fault that we're broke, or it's someone else's fault that we're upset with them, it's someone else's fault that the situation is the way it is. And so when you blame somebody else, you're blanket blaming. Like when you blame the government, or you blame your mom, or you blame your dad. It's easy to go there. And it takes me off the hook, of course, of having to take responsibility, which is the second step. So the second step is not only do I acknowledge it, but now I get to own it. I get to take responsibility and look at myself and ask myself, how am I creating this? How am I causing this? What am I doing to provoke this? And if it's not my fault, because some cases, breakdowns are not your fault, how can I interpret this in a way that empowers me?

Give me an example where it may not be someone's fault? What's an instance? Maybe you've heard in one of Your workshops recently without saying someone's name.

Okay, so my spouse cheated on me. I acknowledge I have that breakdown. Now. How do I take responsibility? It's not my fault. But how can I interpret the situation in a way that empowers me? How can I see this in a way that I can move forward in my life?

How would someone do that?

Well, I look at what the lesson is. What am I allowing? What signs did I not pay attention to? What's the environment that I've created in my life where that is even possible? What criteria did I use to choose that person in the first place? I think that there's always signs. And sometimes we're in denial. We're back into no, no, no, everything is great. Then they cheat on me. And sometimes we create the environment that that happens. And so I think that taking responsibility doesn't mean it's my fault. Sometimes a breakdown is your fault because you're the one that caused it and provoked it and your responsibility. But sometimes it's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. But if you want to access power, then you get to choose to take responsibility. And maybe the responsibility is, how do I interpret this in a way to move forward? Well, you know what? It's the best thing that could have happened because this is going to lead to something better. This situation is teaching me something. What's the blessing in this? Because I promise you, in every single breakdown that we have in our lives, I. There's a blessing, there's a learning, there's a growth. If you think about where you are right now, you are where you are as a result of a lot of the prior breakdowns. And so we have two choices in a breakdown. We could dive or we could thrive. And the only way to thrive is by taking responsibility. And it's saying to myself, I am not going to be a victim of the situation, right? And so if I'm upset about something, then it's my job to look at. Okay, so how am I perceiving the situation? How am I interpreting this? Sometimes we interpret things that are not even there. Sometimes we're on breakdown over something that didn't even exist. Like, I think that, you know, my. My boyfriend didn't call me or my girlfriend didn't call me back. And so I'm interpreting that they don't love me. And so right after they don't love me, I am pissed. And so now I'm in a breakdown over an interpretation that I'm having. And it's not a fact. And so by taking responsibility, I'm taking responsibility. I'm looking at what was missing for me. What could I have done different? How did I perceive this? How does that perception contribute to this breakdown? What's the lesson here? What's the blessing here? There's so much mileage that you can get out of a breakdown.

Sure.

You know, I promise to lose 20 pounds, I gain 30. So I acknowledge it. Now let me take responsibility. What could I have done different? What can I learn from this? How am I interpreting weight loss? What am I looking at this? What can I learn from this? What's the blessing here?

Yeah. Is it the same interpretation of responsibility when something is seems so unjust, what happened to someone, whether it be a sexual misconduct, a physical misconduct that was. That would say no. Why would this person take responsibility when someone came out of the blue and hurt them?

Is it the same type of interpretation? Because you're confusing blame and responsibility. So it's not my fault that someone sexually abused me, but it's my responsibility to process this in a way that empowers me. And so I could look at it like, what can I learn from it? What can I gain from this? So they abused my body, but they didn't touch my spirit. My spirit is untouchable.

That's good.

My spirit is untouchable. It wasn't my fault because sometimes sexual abuse and I have been sexually abused, and I blame myself for years. And I chose to take responsibility for my abuse, to identify what can I learn from this? And one of the things I learned is that my body was abused, but I was never touched. And I chose an interpretation that I still matter. It's not my fault. And I got my power back. And so by choosing interpretations that empower you, that allows you to move forward.

What happens if we don't take responsibility? Whether it's again, something like a sexual abuse, a rape, or someone, a drunk.

Driver killing your children, I become defined by the event. So I walk around life defined by sexual abuse, defined by bankruptcy, defined by a prison sentence, defined by whatever the event is. And really, at the end of the day, events are neutral. We've talked about this in other episodes. Events are neutral. We're the ones who attach the meaning, the significance to it. And if you look at life from a spiritual standpoint, spirit is bigger than ego. Spirit is bigger than the body. So if you really look at spiritually, no one can touch you because they're touching your body or they're attacking you yourself, but not who you really are. And so when I take responsibility. What I'm doing is I'm taking ownership for a situation and I'm looking at it. And the premise is, given I have the power, how did I create this breakdown with my boyfriend? Given I have the power, how am I interpreting the person I'm with in a way that this empowers me? Given I have the power, how can I interpret this bankruptcy in a way that propels me and moves me forward? You see, very few people assume responsibility when there's a breakdown. It's always someone's fault. I've never talked to anyone who got fired saying I caused it. I never talked to anyone who got dumped saying I created it, or this was a blessing, or I learned from this. And so there's no power and victim. And then what happens is we end up suffering from what is Einstein called insanity, which is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, and then we stay stuck. And so what I'm proposing is that we grab the bull by the horns. We take control of our lives and of ourselves, which is the only thing you really can control. You can't control how other people act, how other people be, but you could take responsibility for yourself. And so if you're in a situation that's toxic, that's, you know, that's destructive, you could be a victim of that, or you could say, you know what, I'm not going to let that toxicity intoxify or get me toxic or affect me. I'm going to create an environment around me where I'm going to transform all that energy into positive energy. Not easy, so hard to do, I know, but it takes practice. It takes practice. So when I take responsibility, what I'm saying is, at the end of the day, responsibility is given. I am powerful.

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Given I am unstoppable, given I have the tools that I need because I have them from birth, how did I create or allow this? And if I didn't create or allow this, how can I interpret this in a way that forwards me? I have a friend named Anaisa Bell. You know her. She auditioned for the voice and she got rejected. So she was in total breakdown. She calls me up crying. I quit show business. This is horrible. I'm never going to fit in six years of this. And, you know, and I'm like, well, okay, I get you're in a breakdown. Can you own that this is a breakdown right now in your life? She said, yes, I am in total breakdown. And I said, well, how can you take responsibility for this? She goes, are you kidding? I'm not responsible. They wouldn't turn around. Shakira didn't pick me. She was, like, upset. And I go, well, that's what happened. Can you change what happened? No. Okay, so I'm not saying it's your fault that that happened, but what can you learn from this? What can you learn? How could you turn this into something empowering? And she goes, you know what? You're right. This is an opportunity for me to see that there's something bigger for me, that I could use this breakdown as an opportunity to learn from it. I didn't prepare. I. You know, they. I chose a song that I wasn't able to sing. So she just. She really looked at it responsibly. And, you know, long story short, she just wrapped her movie with Steven Spielberg, west side Story, coming out next year, and she's now doing better than ever. But anyone could take any breakdown and turn it around. And so by taking responsibility, it gives me the power to move forward.

Because a lot of us get very emotional around an event that happens or breakdown that happens.

Right?

It's very emotional. I see this with a lot of people that I know that something happens in their life, whether it happens to them, to the world where they think it's unfair. A situation, a friend. And they bring so much emotion to it.

They bring emotion, they bring drama to it. And then what happens is that there's no way out of it because they become victimized by an event or by an interpretation. And so I would say to that person, so how are you interpreting this situation that's causing you to be in this breakdown? Okay, I'm interpreting that I'm being disrespected, that I'm not being loved that I'm a loser, that I'm never going to make in Hollywood, that relationships suck, that the pandemic's going to destroy my life, we're all going to die. I mean, we create this Steven Spielberg movie in our brain, and that causes us to continue to break down. And so by taking responsibility is by asking that same person, so how can you interpret this in a way that empowers you? Because at the end of the day, I'm the only person accountable for my interpretation.

And.

And I get to choose. And so by choosing and being mindful of choosing no matter what the event is, and empowering interpretation to it, that gives you the power to transform the breakdown.

And the emotion is the thing that's next, Right?

And so the third key, which is really important, I think that this is one that we all bypass. And I am guilty. I bypass it. You've bypassed it. It's to, yeah, I own the fact that I am in a breakdown financially. I take responsibility by looking at what could I learn from it? How could I turn this into an opportunity? How could I interpret this financial breakdown into a breakthrough? But now that I've acknowledged it and acknowledged my shortcomings or acknowledged the situation, I got to process the emotion. Because as human beings, we are emotional. And what happens. Most people want to be superheroes, Superman, Wonder Woman. I feel nothing. I'm fine. I could just go through this, plow through this. And what happens is that emotion, we end up stuffing it. And stuffed emotion creates what I call an implosion. If we don't express our emotion in a healthy way. Now, it's an important keyword. Healthy. I don't mean lash out on your significant other. I don't mean beat up your dog. I don't mean. Or beat up yourself, beat yourself up, up. I'm talking about healthy. Or, you know, scream at people in traffic. You know, you got to process emotion in a healthy way. And one of the things that I do in my workshops, you know, this, you've been in my workshops, is I give people the space to process emotion. And usually it's those people who think I have nothing to process, the ones who have the most to process. Because there are two main emotions that we don't process.

Anger.

One is guilt, okay? Which is all the anger and all of the self hate and the self beat up. So we don't process guilt. We carry guilt with us. And guilt is a cancer, my friends. Guilt will destroy your life, will destroy your relationships. Guilt can create all kinds of things because you're stuffing that guilt, and you're beating yourself up for something that either A, is not your fault because you interpret it as your fault. A lot of people blame themselves for things that are not their fault, or B, for something that you. That it is your fault, but you've paid for it. Like, get over it, get past it.

Right.

And the second emotion that we don't process is resentment. Resentment is anger towards other people. Resentment is being mad at, you know, whether it's your mom or your dad or a public figure, your girlfriend, boyfriend. That resentment that we don't process ends up creating an implosion and a lot of disease. Think of the word disease. Dis ease. It's unresolved emotions that is stuffed in your body, and it's got to come out somewhere. And that somewhere, a lot of times is your organs. And there's studies, you know, people that probably know more about this than I do, but talk to any doctor and they'll tell you the, you know, how stress impacts health.

Yes.

You know, it's one of the key factors. And so processing emotion is one of my favorite things to coach. And basically processing emotion is to acknowledge how you're feeling. And a lot of people are sad, and a lot of people are depressed, and a lot of people are angry. And instead of, you know, just putting a band aid over it and working through it, it's important to take the time to acknowledge it and to process it.

What are some healthy ways to acknowledge both guilt and resentment?

So one way is journaling. I think journaling is very effective at writing down I feel guilty because. And all the things that make me feel guilty. What are the things I'm beating myself about? What are things I've done? And then the second thing is resentment. Resentment is, you know, processing resentment is writing down the list of all the things that people you're pissed off at, people you're upset with, kind of like, you know, mean girl's burn book. You know, I'm mad at so and so for this. And so just the energetic experience of journaling is so important. Another way to process emotion is to call someone up and say, I'm in breakdown. I need to talk to you. Like, the times you call me, I'm that guy for you, you know, And I'm like, louis, let me have it. Come on. And you don't have a lot of people you could do that with.

Having someone who can listen to you.

And I listen to you. I don't judge you. Don't you feel good when you talk to Me and you clear. And then I'm able to support you in making sense of it. So having that person having a hug, sometimes all you need is a hug. I hugged somebody the other day, and she said, it's the first hug I have in seven months. And she started breaking down crying, and I didn't let go. Of course, we had our mask on, the whole thing. But, you know, and it was sometimes a hug, sometimes a song. Play music. There's certain songs that, you know. My Go to Enya, you know, anything by Anything by Enya, Watermark by Enya, Shepherd Moon. This is music that you could play that just allows you to process emotion. Meditation is good. Catharsis. Literally screaming in a room, you know, in your bedroom. Also another thing. You know what's helped me process emotions as well? Music and listening to the songs that allow me to do that. And not just music, but movies as well. Have you ever watched a movie that you just started crying and you realize that you're crying more than the normal. Like something. It's hitting something there. So movies help process emotion.

What's the unhealthy way of processing guilt and resentment?

Blaming someone, using someone as a punching bag, screaming at someone, saying, you're doing it to me. You're the reason why I'm miserable. Blaming your boss, blaming the economy, blaming the president, the presidential candidates, blaming China, blaming whoever. It's not political here. But anytime we blame other people, there's no. It's unhealthy. There's no resolve to it.

So when we blame someone else, it's never finished.

Well, here's what it does. That's a racket.

Temporary relief.

It gives us a temporary relief because we're like, yeah, you did it. But in the long run, it doesn't resolve anything because you're gonna repeat whatever it is that happened again and again and again. If someone doesn't take accountability, there's no new moment. Which is why sometimes you find yourself having the same issues over and over and over, because there's no accountability. And so in a relationship, both people have to take accountability. It can't just be one side. It's got to be both sides.

What happens when it's only one side the whole time?

Then at some point the relationship is going to change because you either need to accept that person the way they are and go, well, that's how it is. And I love this person unconditionally, and I'm not going to allow that person to take my energy away, my joy away. And when they're in that moment, I'm going to see it as like a moment. And so I'll just ride the wave. Or that person eventually will wake up to. It's not because they're going to be miserable on their own. You're not going to be miserable with them. I think part of the problem is when you join them in the misery, that makes it worse. Instead of just going, okay, this person is having a breakdown. I love you, I'm here for you. But. But if you're going to blame me, there's nothing I can do about that. I need to step away. Because you also get to honor your boundaries and honor your way of being and what you want. And so I think that either you need to accept that other person or accept the situation as is and move forward, or you need to decide that that's not what you want. And that's true about any relationship, whether it's a boss or I had a boss that was abusive and mean, and I had two choices. One is quit, and it potentially would have affected my career. Or I decided, you know what? I'm not gonna let that affect me. And so whenever they would start, I would hear, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and I wouldn't let it hit me. And I think that if that causes a breakdown in you, then you need to accept it, and you need to take responsibility of how you're processing this and how you're letting it affect you and choose an empowering interpretation. And you also need to let go of the emotion because it causes emotion in you.

Why do we allow words to affect us so deeply? When someone gets mad at us or angry at us or blames us, why do we in general allow it to then ruin our mood?

Because we're allowing our minds to interpret those words in a deceiving or in a demeaning or disempowering way. So you could say to me, you're an idiot. And I could smile and go, thank you. Or I could go, oh, yeah? Well, you're this. And so when I'm in reaction, then I'm being a victim of your words, but at the end of the day, you're the one who's interpreting whatever people are saying to you in the way that you're interpreting it. You can't control someone else and how they are. You can only control how you respond to it. You have the power to interpret other people in a way that empowers you. Or you could let it hit your buttons. The other thing is, you want to look at why those buttons are even still there. Like, what part of you feels not good enough? What part of you feels unworthy? What part of you feels like you can't trust people? And so that's another opportunity in the responsibility realm. But regardless of that, you need to let go of the emotion around it.

Because.

Because every time it happens, it happens with an accumulated emotion versus it's a brand new moment. And I think that as I let go, and letting go is a daily practice, letting go is making a choice. You know what? I feel lousy. Let me just journal about this. Let me call someone up and just share with them about how I feel so I can just have that outlet. And once I let go, of course the fourth key is to forgive and forgiveness. And you know, you've done a thousand podcasts around forgiveness. But as you remember, to me, forgiveness equals freedom. Yeah, when I forgive, I'm free. Because forgiveness is just a conscious decision to let go of negative energy. And so what happens is that if I'm upset with someone and I don't forgive them, they have my power. And so by forgiving someone else or by forgiving an entity or forgiving somebody in the world, that energy that I. Because it takes a lot of energy to be pissed, I hate you. You know, that's a lot of energy. Drains you, it's draining, it's exhausting. And I say that that's energy that we need to create our dreams and to accomplish our vision and to make a difference in the world. And so if I'm upset with someone, it's really hard to go forward in my dreams. And so by forgiving, and by making a decision whether they deserve it or not, I deserve it. So I forgave the person that abused me sexually or abused my body, didn't touch me. I forgave my dad who walked out when I was 6. I forgave other people for what they've done in my life. And I continue, by the way, it's not a one shot deal. I continue to forgive. Every day something happens in my life that I'm like, okay, I make a conscious choice. I forgive this person. I get cut off on the highway, they flip me the bird, I go, peace, brother, I forgive. So I make it a conscious choice to forgive because I don't want that negativity to affect me. And of course, forgive myself, you know, by forgiving myself. At the end of the day, how do I allow myself to be in the situation that I'm in? Why am I even here? What's going on with, you know, I forgive myself because I get to be unconditionally loving towards myself. So forgiveness is key to transforming any breakdown to breakthrough. Because a lot of times we're filled with guilt, we're filled with resentment. And the opposite of guilt and resentment is self forgiveness and forgiving other people.

What happens if we never forgive ourselves or others?

You will not be free, you will be trapped, you will be in a self imposed prison. And a lot of people, you could tell people that go through life upset and take things personal and reactive, they haven't forgiven.

Who have they not forgiven? Is it typically themselves or others?

Both. In most cases it's themselves because at the end of the day they're the ones that are carrying it because. And of course there's no one harder on you than you and no one beats you up more than you. And you know, that's a whole part of my training, is forgiving yourself. But you know, also other people, and it depends on the person. Sometimes people just have had a lot of situations in their life where they were abandoned by a parent, they were ignored by another parent, siblings, and you know, just life. And I think that we once again, we implode, we carry stuff with us, we keep it on the inside and then all of a sudden, 20 years later, the person next to me looks like my dad. And everything they do, it's like it triggers my dad stuff because I never forgave. Yeah, crazy. I never forgave. And as human beings, yes, we're complicated, but we're not that complicated. I think at the end of the day it's pretty simple. We complicate things. And so when I have issues with my mom or my dad or whoever, if I don't resolve that, if I don't forgive, then I'm not fresh, I'm not free. Why do you think at 55, I have so much energy and passion and I go into workshops, I spend four days and I'm on fire the whole time. And people are like, how do you do that? Because I am a constant self cleaning oven. I am always doing this. I have a breakdown, I isolate it. Don't wait for it to accumulate with new ones. I have a breakdown, I isolate it. I acknowledge it, I accept it, I even write it down. I have a journal, I write down, I'm having a breakdown about this. How did I create this? What can I learn from this? What's the blessing in this breakdown? How could this lead to growth if it's not my fault? How can I see this as an opportunity. Then I identify the emotion. I am pissed. And I allow myself to get pissed. And I use every bad word under the sun, and I scream it, and I let it out. Or if that's not necessarily. I'll call you up and go, louis, I'm having a breakdown. I'm pissed about this. And I do that with you as well. And you just listen. You're like, are you okay? Anything else? And I'm like, no, I feel new. And it's great to have people like that. And we all have angels in our lives that are willing to listen to us. But remember, the purpose of talking to someone when you want to let go of emotion is to let it go, not to complain. Because sometimes people just call the complaint and it goes nowhere. When I let go of emotion, I do it from a place of. I'm communicating this to get it off my chest and to get it out.

Yeah. In a healthy environment.

Not at the person. No, I'm not going to take it out on the person I'm mad at and go, you ruining my life. You know? No, no, that's not gonna. That doesn't serve me. If anything, I recommend to that person that's upset in the moment to step away, to go, you know what? Let me process my emotions. I won't say anything that might offend you or I don't want to do anything. You know, why is that so hard to do, though?

Why is it so hard to say thank you for screaming at me? Let me take a step side and go process this and come back to you. Why is that so challenging?

Because it triggers you and it triggered me, but not over the years. It becomes easier. Practice. Everything is practice. Look, you could scream anything you want at me, and I'm going to look at you and say, I love you. It's crazy, I know. But. But I have practice.

Yeah.

I applied this. I'm not saying this because it sounds good. This has saved my life because I can tell you how many times in my life that I have spared relationships. I mean, look, I'm like anybody else. I'm emotional. I grew up in Puerto Rico. We're Latin. We're passionate. I've wanted to quit, walk away from things, tell people to go F themselves, and I just breathed.

What was the thing that for you that took the longest to let go of or to forgive or to not react when you reacted for so long to a conversation or whatever breakdown? What was the trigger that you had to finally let go of that took the longest to let go of a.

Friend that I gave everything to, that I helped in their career. They got a career, I set them up with the best contacts. They became self made all because of me. And that person basically betrayed me and stole my stuff. And then that triggered me in a huge way of abuse, abuse, abuse taken advantage of. I'm worthless. And I really had to double down on this and go, wait a minute, how am I interpreting this? I'm making their drama mine. They made their choice because of whatever they're living. How can I use this? And how could I see the blessing here? Well, the blessing is I gave them tools. The blessing is I helped somebody that was literally on the street become successful. You know, I started looking at the blessing and I was able to shift my energy away because remember, the nature of thought is what you think about Expand.

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Apply. And so if you're in the gutter and you're in those dark conversations, they expand and they take over. Yeah. And by making a conscious shift into blessing and opportunity and what's the positive here. For every breakdown, there's a thousand blessings. For every single breakdown, I don't care what the breakdown is. There's a thousand blessings. And if we only focus on the breakdown, we're not going to be able to see the blessings. And so, by really making a conscious choice to shift my energy, even though I don't feel it, I think part of the breakdown is, like, I gotta feel it. Well, guess what? Commitment and feelings are two different things. I'm not saying I always feel these things. I make a choice. These steps are choices, not feelings. I don't feel like accepting anything, but I accept it. I don't feel like acknowledging the breakdown. I acknowledge it. I don't feel like being in an ownership. Sometimes I do, but a lot of times I don't feel it, but I do it anyway because I know it serves me. I don't feel like letting go. Sometimes I want to harbor and be empowered by being pissed at you. But then I realized that's only hurting me. So I let go. I don't feel like forgiving. Hell, no. Blame that person. Sometimes it feels good to go. It's their fault. Yes, but there's no power there. And so I forgive because that energy is necessary, because life is challenging without my drama. There's so much going on, and the world needs leaders that are going to be focused and use their energy. And I say that there's two things that should be your biggest goals. Number one, live your best life possible. And number two, make the biggest impact possible. And so anything that takes you away from those two things, you need to handle, because it's on you if you're upset with people, and if you're in reaction, that's on you. And so by forgiving, you got to forgive. And people who don't forgive blame people in the present, and they're not really mad at them. They're mad at people from the past. So, like, if I didn't forgive my best friend that I had an eighth grade because he betrayed me, Every time, Louis, you do something to me that makes me feel like you don't care about me, I'm gonna be pissed at you. You know? And have there been situations in my life with you where I felt that, you know, you didn't call me back or you didn't do this on.

Time?

Yeah. Because you're human and it wasn't personal. You just were doing what you're doing. And there are times I don't do that with you. But you don't get Upset with me. But if I was hanging on to stuff that happened in the past, every time you do anything that looks.

Like that past, it's a.

Trigger. It's a trigger and I'm in a total upgrade. You're in breakdown, which means I get my power away. So forgiveness is really important because you create a clean slate. You create a clean slate, a new moment. There's no such thing as a new moment if I don't let go of the old.

One. Ooh, that's true, Bing. Because you're always living into that moment, that.

Old. Right, right. And so making a new commitment is getting clear about. Okay, so now I've forgiven. What's my vision? What's the environment I want to create in my life, in my relationship, in my business, in my health, in all areas of my life? What do I want to create? What's my intention? Where am I putting my energy? And I recommend picking a word that describes what's that? Intention. What's your intention word? So pertaining to the breakdown, whatever the breakdown is. So if the breakdown is health, what's my intention with my health? If my breakdown is my relationship, what's my intention with the relationship? An intention is a word. My intention is understanding. My intention is peace. My intention in my health is confidence or persistence, discipline, financially, wisdom, whatever that is. And getting clear on my new commitment and my intention and the environment I want to create. My why, we've talked about that before. Then I'm able to set a new commitment, which is to make a new goal that will fix or transform the breakdown. So my new goal is to release £25. My new goal is to create the most loving environment in my relationship. Relationship. My new goal is to generate that million dollar additional income that I want to create. Generate 100,000, whatever the money is. But my intention and my goal go hand to.

Hand.

Yeah. And so I declare that intention and I declare that goal and that.

Commitment. That's step five.

Right? Yeah. Make a new commitment. Step six, of course, is to create a plan of action. So what's the new action? Including the new interpretations, the new attitudes? So my new action is I'm going to start seeing life in a positive way. I'm going to let go of my old triggers, I'm going to trust my partner, I'm going to trust the process, whatever that new action requires of me. Maybe I've lacked discipline with my health. So my new action is to have discipline in my life and work out and go to the gym. And I also, I recommend writing down what your intention is, what is that action plan? And identify what resources do I have. Because creating an action plan, you also need to include resources who can support me in this new action. So my new actions to transform my relationship, what support do I need so that I have the best outcome in my relationships? If I'm committed to taking action in my health, what support do I need? So step six is identify that action and identify the support for the.

Action. I think the support part is the huge thing because a lot of people say, okay, here's the commitment, here's the actions I want to take. I want to work out five days a week, I'm going to eat this much, I'm going to be loving in my relationship when my partner yells at me, we set the intention, we create this action plan. But it's very, very hard to follow through after a couple weeks with anything without a team. What I like to call a personal advisory board. So this is who is the expert in this that I admire? Who is a model? Who has the relationship that I want to have? How have they done it? Who is the fitness person, the business person, whatever it is in the breakdown, find a team to support you. Because I think the advisory board is.

Chill. Because I'm telling you, every single result I've created in my life in the last 30 years, my business success, my health success, relationship success, all has to do with taking action and having a.

Team. You have to. Because our breakdowns are more powerful over a certain amount of.

Time. Well, the other thing is, here's the thing. We don't see ourselves in.

Action.

Yeah. So as a human being, I'm in it. And so if I'm able to call you up and go, hey, I'm having a challenge here and I need support with these decisions I'm making and these actions and you're able to go, wait a minute, you're going in the wrong direction. You need to go into this direction. Which is why coaching is so important. Having coaches, having mentors, having your team, your tribe is critical to action because most people, and I'm included when it comes to the action later you.

Can say you want to take the.

Action, but then the time comes, you can write it down. You could create the scheduling, amazing.

Plan. But when it's 6 o' clock at night and you're supposed to work.

Out and you're exhausted, you're like, oh.

I'm just going to sit here and eat ice cream and the breakdown continues.

Versus you have someone that you could go, wait a minute, Let me call so and so, because I know that they're going to hold. Hold me accountable. Having a support system is having people hold you.

Accountable.

Exactly. And accountability. Here's my definition of accountability. You ready? Accountability is love. Being held accountable is someone saying, I love you when you saw me that I was 30 pounds heavier than I am now. And you went, kris, I love you. You have changed my life, but I'm about to change yours. You are overweight. It's.

Not. And no one is willing to tell.

You. Yeah, right. People are scared of you. I'm like, why? You know, no one wants to tell you. And you sat me down. And I was. I cried. And it was emotional. And I was like, you know what? I've been about everybody else but myself. And, you know, and you were. And you. It's funny because the student teaches the teacher, right? And you're like, you've done so much for me. I want to do something for you now. And I think that. That. And I'm like. And I didn't cry so much because of the situation. I cried because I'm like, my God, this person loves.

Me.

Yeah. Cares about me. And you're like, I don't want you to die. Right. You know, and sometimes I'll never forget that. That was a moment. And so when people hold you accountable, and of course I'm that for so many people. I'm not for you, and you're that for me, and we're that for each other. But when we have people that we either hire or we friends, Friends we empower, to hold us accountable to what we say we're gonna do is critical for any success and to turn any breakdown to.

Breakthrough. I think it's scary sometimes with a friend or someone, you know, to reach out and say, hey, I wanna hold you accountable. Cause they may not be ready for it. They may push back against you. They may say, screw.

You. Well, it depends on who you're asking, you know, I mean, we're friends, but you also know I'm going to hold you to task. I always have. And I think that having somebody professional in your life is really important. I always think my point of view, of course, I'm in a career of this, but I think that the most important investment you can make as a human being is in.

Yourself.

Absolutely. And in coaching, having a coach or having a tribe or having a mentor, you know, I've been coaching you for what, six years? You know, I'm your go to person. And that's an important, you know, decision. To make. And having people coach. I've got people that coach me. Sometimes you coach me. You know, it's important to have that because on our own, we're not going to take the.

Action. It's.

Tough. And if we do, if we do, it's hard to be.

Consistent. Very.

Hard. Because you've got 20, 30, 40, 50 years of habit and you're like, okay, I'm going to now work out, you know, okay. Yeah, it's a.

Challenge. And I think in this step right here, even just a side note is if anyone listening or watching, create a list of your biggest breakdowns. Think in the last three months, what is the thing that creates the most emotion for me? I don't know if this is what you would recommend, but I'm thinking to myself, write a list of. Every time I see something political. It drives me crazy. Every time I partner says this to me, it drives me. It triggers.

Me. Here your health breakdowns. Relationship.

Breakdowns. Triggers financial.

Breakdowns. Financial.

Breakdowns. Write a list of the biggest.

Ones. That's.

Right. And I think you can't tackle them all at once. Probably maybe you'd say otherwise, but I think. Figure out what's the one that causes the most stress of your life.

Absolutely. How to eat a watermelon. One bite at a.

Time.

Yeah. Focus on one thing and then circle it as the main thing you want to focus on and say, okay, who are the people in my life who can support me? Maybe you don't have a lot of money. You can't hire a coach right.

Now. Well, go through the steps. I wouldn't jump so fast. I would. Step number one, accept and acknowledge. Here's where I'm having a breakdown. Number two, take responsibility. Ownership. If it's my fault, how did I create it? If it's not my fault, what can I learn from it? How is this a blessing? Three, what emotions am I experiencing? Anger. I'm pissed off. I'm sad. I feel guilty. And how can I let go of this emotion? And make a list of ways you could do that. I'm going to meditate and I'm going to call someone up for support. Four, what do I forgive myself for? Make a list of things you forgive yourself for. Who do I need to forgive and why? Remember, this is all a choice, not a feeling. Step number five, make a new commitment in that specific area. What am I committed to creating? What's my vision? What's the intention word in that area? Number six, what action do I need to take? Who are the people I can call up to ask for support. And step number seven, celebrate the results. Yeah, if I accomplish it, I celebrate. That's something else we don't do. How often do you take the time you Louis to go, wow, I accomplished.

This. Yeah, I'm doing it a lot better.

Now. You're better now, but before we've talked about this before, you didn't do it. You would accomplish this major thing and then go on, okay, here's the next project and here's the next.

Accomplishment. What are we saying to ourselves when we don't celebrate the accomplishments small.

Or big or we're invalidating it. We're not giving it credit. We're thinking, well, I got lucky or it was going to happen anyway or it was a lot of work and I'm glad I did it. And now I need to do something new. I'm as good as my new accomplishment. And so I think it's important to take the time and this is something we can all do. Make a list of the top five things that you have accomplished in your life that you're proud of. I'm proud of this because I'm proud of this because I graduated college. Why? Because it's a miracle. I graduated college. I barely made it through high school. I became a self made millionaire at 32. It's a miracle because I grew up without any money. I'm in a long standing relationship I'm proud of. I used to jump from relationship to relationship. And so making a list of the things you're proud of, celebrating your results. When you accomplish it, do something nice for yourself. You know, do buy yourself a gift, Take yourself on a vacation. Do something good for.

Yourself. Just take yourself to dinner or.

Something. Yeah, whatever. It could be dinner, it could be a massage, it could be a day at the spa. Or do something you like to do that sometimes most people don't do what they want to do, they do what their partner wants to do. In other words, I like to go hiking. And so take yourself hiking, but do something nice for you. And if you don't accomplish and of course, what did you learn from the result? And if you don't accomplish it, guess what you do? Go back to step number one, accept and acknowledge that you didn't accomplish it. Step number two, take ownership responsibility. Step three, let go of the emotions. Step four, forgive myself others. Step five, make a new commitment. Step six, action plan a support team. Step seven, celebrate the.

Results. Yeah, and there's a number of different actually research studies that have talked about the importance of celebrating your wins, your results. We had a psychologist, come on. Dr. Ivan Joseph, who talks about. He creates a brag list. When he's going into a new situation, like up for a new job or some setting, he creates a list to remind himself of how powerful he.

Is. Right. That's.

Wonderful. He calls it his brag list. I actually created an acronym out of it. Big results, accomplishments and goals. Write down a list from everything from junior high to high school, college and beyond. Remind yourself of maybe you feel like you haven't done anything big in a while, but you've done it before. Even just accomplishing high school, college or whatever it may.

Be. And the value of that is if your self esteem and if your self worth is a little low, sometimes you need to remind yourself of what you're able to deliver on. Yes. I actually did this with somebody who it's been a while since she had a hit record. It's been a while since she's been on in TV and she was just kind of going in for an audition and she kind of lost her kind of her mojo. And I'm like, think about what you've done. Make a list of 10 things that you are proud of. And can you believe that there are things on that list I never knew that that person did? And I'm like, are you kidding me? You sold out 13 stadiums. What? You did this. What kind of person does that? And she literally went, oh my God, yeah, me. And went and crushed the audition and got the deal that she needed. And it's so important to celebrate your.

Results. Yeah. You gotta remember who we.

Are. Sometimes spend too much time focusing on what we're.

Not. Well, I think living in guilt and resentment takes us downward spiral as opposed to letting it go and moving back into our dreams and our possibilities of what we're going to.

Create.

Yeah. So at the end of the day, breakdowns are actually blessings. It's all how we choose to see.

Them. It's the interpretation, which I think is the key word that goes into all these steps is no matter what happens, we need to interpret it as a blessing for us not happening against us or not in.

Our.

Well. There's two things that I think that are important. One is, is trust the.

Process. Why is it so.

Hard? Because we create Steven Spielberg's screenplay of everything that could go wrong. So trust the process is trusting that everything that's happening in my life is happening in my favor. One of my favorite quotes, life is rigged. In my favorite. It's by roomie and I Heard Arianna Huffington talk about it on her interview with Oprah. Oprah asked her, what's been the key to your success? And Arianna Huffington created Huffington Post. Powerful leader. You've had her on the show and her quote is, life is rigged in my favor. And that woman's been through everything. I mean, it's public that she's been through a divorce and her husband left her for another man. She's had health issues, she's had partners rip her off. And she's like, every single breakdown in my life, I have chosen to interpret it as rigged in my.

Favor.

Yes. Think about how powerful that, like, it's set up for me. It's just a perception. And I think trusting the process is trusting that even though right now it's dark, trust is going to get light. Even though right now we're in a pandemic, trust, we're going to get to the other side. Even though right now your health isn't a challenge, trust, it will become better. Because at the end of the day, it's transforming fear into faith. Fear is the expectation of everything bad that could happen. Faith is the knowing that everything's gonna turn out beautiful. I call it the Peter Pan principle. You know, that is the Peter Pan principle. Peter Pan was. Have you ever saw the movie Hook or any of the incarnations of Peter Pan? There was a scene, at least in Hook, where Peter Pan was trying to fly. And Peter Pan kept crashing and getting frustrated in total breakdown. And his life coach, Tinkerbell, which was Julia Roberts, flies into his ear and goes, peter, what's the problem? And Peter's like, I want to fly. And Tinkerbell says to Peter, well, that's easy. If you want to fly, think happy thoughts. And Peter shifted his mindset and started thinking happy thoughts. And before you know it, he's flying. And as human beings, you want to be happy, think happy thoughts. Because no one can make you think anything. You don't choose to think. So I know it's not easy. Yeah, I know it takes practice, but it takes support. But this at least makes it in a simple step by step process that people can.

Follow. And I think trusting the process is a. Is a great mantra to have backing it with these.

Steps.

Yes. Action, responsibility, accountability. You can't just say, I trust. It's all going to work out. I'm going to sit here.

And. No, no, no, no, no. But you know what? At the end of the day, you got to have faith, you know? And faith is the one thing. I mean, look, when I remember studying man's search for meaning. Viktor Frankl and concentration camp. He goes, the only thing that kept people alive was faith, was having some meaning on the other side, like a reason to live. And I think that, you know, they could take everything away from you, but not the power. You have to have faith and.

To choose and to think positively or create a story of a positive event that could happen, not the negative things we think about all the.

Time. And surround yourself with positive people. That's so important. And if you can't have everyone positive around you, then take.

Responsibility. This is amazing. Chris, you've got, you're on Instagram.

ChrisLeeMotivator.

Yes. You've got a book out, a great book. Abundance and prosperity transform your.

Life. 10 principles of abundance, Prosperity Forward by Lewis.

Howells. Yes, you can get the book on Amazon. You do workshops all around the world. Where can they learn more about a workshop that you might go.

To? Just follow me just on Instagram or my Facebook page. Chris Lee Motivational Trainer okay.

Cool. So follow you there. Get your book. Go check out this man at a workshop. He'll change your life. As he changed my life many times over. Always grateful that you're here. I acknowledge you for being an incredible gift to so many people. So many people love you when you come on here. So we're very grateful for you and this is going to help a lot of people who are dealing with massive breakdown right now. So thank you for clearing it up, making it easy for us to understand. And I love you and appreciate.

You. I love you. I appreciate you and I love your audience. I mean, I get messages from your audience every week. They love you and it's great to be here. And I am excited about.

2021. It's around the corner, everyone's excited. So this is amazing. Thank you Chris. Appreciate.

You. Thank you, Appreciate.

You. Thank you my friends, so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, make sure to spread the message of greatness forward by sharing it with a friend. Lewishouse.com 1049 or just copy and paste this link wherever you're listening. Listening to it on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or any podcast app you're listening to and share it with a friend there as well. Make sure to check us out on YouTube. Subscribe. You can watch full length videos as well and check out some incredible content we have there. Also make sure if you haven't yet, click that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts because when you do that, when you leave a rating and review it actually helps spread the message to more people in the Apple or Spotify ecosystem. So if you got value out of this and you want to help us reach more people and change more lives together, then just subscribe and leave a rating and review. And if you want inspirational messages from me every single week sent to your phone, we've got so many people who love these messages. Just text me right now. The word podcast to 614-350-3960 and I want to leave you with this quote from Charles Bukowski who said, if you have the ability to love, love yourself first. And in a time where so many people hate themselves and don't choose to love themselves first, I think it's one of the greatest gifts you can give to the world is by truly learning to love yourself and fill your cup up first so you have more to give to other people around you. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that I'm super grateful for you, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. Matter. And you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something.

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